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TWELVE

zina

B eing with Giovanni was not something I planned, but it isn’t something I regret either.

My heart has been dragged all the way back in time, and it’s flooded with those same feelings I felt all those years ago.

I still love him.

I never stopped.

No matter how hard I pretend that I’m over it, it’s always been there.

I focused on being a mother and raising my son and working hard to keep our lives together - but Giovanni has always been there, like a shadow hovering over me.

And after what happened in the office yesterday - everything has resurfaced.

It hurts.

But it’s also beautiful.

It also makes me smile.

He’s the one who kissed me. He’s the one who started it. The moment he kissed me I was lost to him. And now, even though I’m terrified of how I feel, I’m unable to deny it.

I still love him.

Realizing this has made me even more determined to prove to him that I’m innocent of everything I’m being accused of. I hate the fact that he believed the message he received. Whoever sent it is a coward. For all I know it could be one of his sons. But that would be the best-case scenario.

The worst-case scenario is that one of his rivals is up to something. Whoever is messing with his shipments - maybe they are behind everything else as well.

I stare up at the camera as it moves, staying in line with me as I walk down the hallway.

I wonder -

If someone inside the house is watching me - and I go into a section of the mansion that I’ve been forbidden to explore - surely they will come and stop me. They wouldn’t just sit by and let me get away with that.

My heart flips with tension as I march towards the forbidden wing, towards the room I’ve never been in.

The door is locked, but I stand on my tiptoes to try to reach the top of the frame where I can see the key peeking out.

I take off my shoe and throw it up at the key until, after three attempts, I manage to knock it down.

I’m very aware of the camera watching me.

The blinking red light is like a silent alarm in the corner of my vision.

The key slips into the lock and clicks when I turn it. The handle turns all the way and I push the door open. With one glance at the camera, I step into the forbidden room. My heart is racing.

I thought I would find documents. Work folders, secret files - something like that. But instead I find a room that obviously used to belong to Bella.

For a moment I just stare at everything in disbelief. It’s like a secret shine to her. A memory of everything she was. A beautiful display of everything she meant to Giovanni and her family.

My chest tightens.

I walk deeper into the room, my eyes roaming over all of her beautiful things.

It smells of fresh flowers and delicate perfume. Unmistakably feminine., and even though she’s been gone a while, someone has been keeping it clean from dust and airing it out.

I walk slowly around the room, my heart strangely tight, aching with jealously because I never had a chance to be loved by Giovanni in the way that he loved her.

Why was she so lucky?

Why didn’t I deserve the same love?

My fingertips brush over an ornate book with a pearl cover. I open it and let the pages drift through my fingers. A diary. Her careful, neat cursive looks elegant and beautiful on every page.

I close it roughly, not wanting to read her words. Scared that it will upset me more. I’m already on the verge of tears.

I swallow, trying to push back the lump forming in my throat.

Dresses hang on a railing near the window. Silk, velvet, lace and carefully hand stitched beaded designs. Each dress is exquisite. Far more beautiful than anything I was ever able to afford.

I wonder if he held her, danced with her to romantic music while she wore these - his hands brushing over her body as he stared down at her with love in his eyes.

I sigh softly and move on, looking at her small selection of first edition books. Romance. Sweet stories with sweet endings.

I never liked romance novels. They seem like a taunting jibe at something I would never have.

On the dressing table her jewelry box is open, and I dip my fingers inside, gently lifting the most gorgeous necklace from it.

I hold it up, letting the clear white diamonds catch the sunlight splashing through the window. The light bounces off the stones and dances over the walls around me.

“She wore it on our wedding day.” His voice is full of pain.

I spin towards him with a fright, still holding the necklace. He’s standing just inside the door way.

He closes his eyes for a moment, and I see the agony of losing her, etched into every muscle of his body.

It hurts me to see him hurting. But at the same time I hate the fact that he’s hurting because he misses her when I’m standing right in front of him.

I push aside the pain I feel, the haunting rejection that has followed me my entire life -

Carefully I put the necklace back. “It’s so beautiful. She was very lucky to live the life she had with you.” I say quietly. “She was lucky to have your love, Giovanni.”

When I turn towards him again, he is pressing his fingers into his eyes, fighting tears.

“Gio - “ I say his name gently.

He shakes his head, unable to speak. The necklaces has brought back memories he wasn’t prepared for. This space overwhelms him with emotions.

Stepping close to him I slip my arms around his waist and rest my face against his chest. His scent is so masculine, so enticing, I close my eyes and let it steal me away. “I’m sorry.” I whisper, losing myself in dark musk and forests of pine.

He wraps his arms around me too, leaning forward he rests his chin on top of my head and for the briefest of moments - he lets me comfort him.

But it doesn’t last long.

His body goes stiff against mine. Rigid and cold. He drops his arms away, pushing me back.

“What the fuck are you doing in Bella’s room. This is not for you to see.” He snarls angrily.

“I’m sorry, Gio - I didn’t know it was her room - I was - I was just?—”

“You were snooping where you aren’t welcome, Zina.” He growls angrily.

“I was wondering what it would be like to have been her. To have felt your love.” I mutter quietly.

His eyes soften as he stares at me. He takes a deep breath, but then pushes away whatever he was thinking and shoots heated anger at me again.

“You will never be her, Zina. She was the love of my life.”

I storm up to him and grab his shirt in my hands. I pull and with deep frustration and tears in my eyes I shake him. He doesn’t move, but he watches me as I say. “She’s gone, Giovanni. She’s gone and you’re still pushing me away. Why can’t you give me a chance?” I sound pathetic. Like I’m begging someone to love me. I hate the way the words spill from my lips, a weakness I never wanted to show the world.

I’ve been strong for sixteen years - but being with him again has shattered that strength. Leaving me vulnerable.

Giovanni lets out a sharp breath and pries my fingers from his shirt.

“I came here to remember Bella, not to deal with you.” He snaps.

I step away from him, hurt by his harsh words.

“So, you pushed me away then - and you’re doing it again now. That day you left me - you did it so coldly it broke me to pieces. You treated me as though I was nothing but trash - you tried to make me believe that you never loved me in the first place, but I know you did, Giovanni. Say whatever the hell you want to try to ease your mind - but I know you loved me once . And if you weren’t so stupid and stubborn now, you would give me a chance.”

“No.” He snaps, glaring at me.

The air between us sparks with tension. Static spiking at my heart.

I wanted him to leave her for me.

I thought he was going to. I believed him. I was planning my life with him. But he chose her. And it seems he will always choose her.

The hurt shifts inside me - turning into a jealous rage.

“I don’t ever want to find you in this room again, Zina.” Giovanni warns me.

“Or what? You’ll break my heart by telling me everything was a lie? It’s too late for that. You’ve already destroyed my belief in love.” I snap at him.

It’s not true though.

I wish I didn’t believe in love anymore - but how can I say that when I love him so deeply.

“Get out.” He snarls.

I close my eyes and turn my face away from him.

When I open them again, I don’t look at him.

I walk out of his wife shrine. Away from her memory, her heavy presence, her ability to overpower me despite the fact that she’s dead and gone.

Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I run up to my bedroom and slam the door shut.

I lean against the back of it, slowly sinking to the ground, pulling my knees against my chest I bury my face against my folded arms and let everything spill out of me.

I cry without restraint. I don’t care who hears me or who is bothered by my pain.

I cry until I have no more energy left. Until my eyes are dry and burning and I can barely keep them open anymore.

When I’m too tired to be anything but numb, I stand up and walk over to my bed, kicking my shoes off along the way, I tug the covers off and climb beneath them.

All I want is for him to see how much I love him. How much I have always loved him.

A blind man can see he wants me too - but he won’t let himself love me. Why? Why don’t I deserve it? Why am I not good enough?

Why am I not worth his admiration?

I thought I couldn’t cry anymore but as pain floods my heart again my tears spill onto the pillow.

I roll over to bury my face against the soft fabric, muffling the sounds of my heartache.

Hours go by before I’m able to drag myself up and climb into a shower. Dinner is being served soon and I want to be there for Guido .

He’s always been my reason to keep going - and he can be my reason now.