Page 97 of Kicks

“She deserves it,” he said, eventually. “I would like to see her, you know.”

This was the part that Billy worried the most about. He had no right to deprive Crystal of a father. No matter how useless.

“Not yet,” Billy replied. “She’s going to a summer camp up north. Get yourself settled somewhere. Not Brighton. Then we’ll see.”

“Really?”

“It goes against every fibre in my being but yes. I’ll tell her what’s happening and that you’ll write to her with your details. It’s her decision after that. I’ll tell you this. If you do anything to hurt or disappoint her, I’ll send Harry on his own.”

Brian got off the wall. “Where am I supposed to go?”

“In all honesty, I really don’t give a shit,” Billy said. “I’ve raised your daughter and put my own life on hold this past four years. If you think I have the appetite to manage you, then you’re very much mistaken.”

Billy too hopped down from the wall.

“Keep in touch.”

He walked away.

“Billy,” Brian called after him.

Billy closed his eyes. Why was he dragging this out?

“What?” he asked, turning to face his stepfather.

“You’ve grown into a decent man,” Brian said. “Your mother would be proud.”

Exhaustion washed over Billy. He certainly didn’t have the strength to argue with Brian.

“I hope so.”

He had no intention of waiting any longer. Instead, he retraced his steps onto the promenade. By the time he reached the seafront, the tears were flowing freely.

In a strange way, even saying goodbye to Brian was like losing another connection to his mother. In the last four years, he had thrown himself into caring for his sister and keeping the business afloat. Perhaps he hadn’t truly dealt with the loss of his mum.

His feet pounded the pavement as he stormed toward town. The only solution was to keep moving and not let the thoughts get to him.

Of course, every time he relaxed, his mind would stray. Eddie’s smiling face appeared in his mind’s eye. Eddie. The man who he had thought could play a part in the next phase of Billy’s life. The man who lied to get his own way. Maybe he had inherited his mother’s terrible choices when it came to men.

He found himself at the pier entrance. He marvelled at how excited he had been the last time he’d been there. How his body had reacted to seeing Eddie before him.

Against his better judgement, he turned onto the wooden structure. A few people were in the arcade. He wandered down, remembering the conversation he’d had with Eddie that day.

Little had he known then what the rest of that afternoon would entail. He would have been ten times as nervous. Still, it had been worth it.

When he reached the end, he stared out to sea. It stretched on forever. The magnitude of it all made Billy and his problems seem insignificant.

He must keep sight of what needed to be done. He’d played out half of his plan perfectly. Now for the second half.

Steeling himself, he went to make the walk back to town. There, in front of him, was the carousel.

This time Billy couldn’t stop the tears. He turned to the choppy waters again and let the wind claim them.

How he longed to scream. Just throw his head back and let all the rage and frustration out. If he did that, he would probably be arrested.

Instead, he gripped the barrier hard and squeezed his eyes shut.

You can bear this.