Page 91 of Kicks

The smile dropped when he considered how she would be viewing the latest turn of events in the mess he called his life.

“Sorry it’s been a while,” he said out loud. “Things have got a bit crazy.”

The breeze rustled the hedge behind him. He gazed down at the small stone. How could a lifetime of love be reduced to that.

When the undertaker had brought her ashes, that was all he’d been able to fixate on. How small the box was. That couldn’t contain the larger-than-life presence of his mother. For a moment he had thought they’d made a mistake.

As the country was still in the grips of the pandemic, the funeral had been limited to Billy, Crystal, Harry and Kim. After, they’d parted awkwardly at the gates and Billy had taken a shocked Crystal home. He had been terrified at taking on such a responsibility. In the same way that he was looking at the future right at that moment.

“I’ve done my best by her,” he said, absentmindedly stroking the edge of the stone. “I bet you wouldn’t let her go on her own to the other end of the country. At fifteen years old.”

He stopped and grinned.

“Almost sixteen as she keeps reminding me. But what else can I do? This opportunity is so big. She would never forgive me if I put a spanner in the works.”

Billy rested his forehead on his knees. Everything felt overwhelming. A tear escaped and dropped to the grass below.

It could join the countless others he’d shed at this tiny patch of land that had presumed to contain one of the most important people he’d ever known.

“It’s not just that,” he said.

Another tear.

“I miss you.”

His whole body yearned to feel those soft hands on his arm. To smell her floral scent as she hugged any problem away. There wasn’t anything on earth that could compare to his mother’s arms. Even now, four years on, it was too painful to accept that he would never experience them again.

“I met someone,” he continued. “I really thought he was different. More bloody fool me.”

Now he wouldn’t have got away with that in her presence. No matter how upset he was. She would have swatted him over the head with the nearest implement and told him off for swearing.

He wiped his nose and looked up. The real world was still there. In all its glory. Still missing his mother.

“What’s the point?” he said. “You can’t help me. He’s turned out to be a liar. I can’t risk someone like that disrupting Crystal’s life. She needs all my support right now.”

Then it struck him.

“What if I go with her?” he said. This time it was more to himself than his mother. “It could be the change I need.”

Billy got to his feet. A plan was forming.

“I’ve got to go, Mum. I’ll come back soon.”

He blew a kiss and went back the way he had come. He wasn’t finished with the garden of remembrance just yet. In a strangetwist of fate, five minutes’ walk away lay the plaque to Leanne Morrison.

When he got there, he noticed it was full of flowers. It always had a display. No matter what time of the year.

Billy stood in front of it. He had never met seventeen-year-old Leanne. Yet their lives had become so linked, he felt as though he knew her. So much so that he always visited on his way back from visiting his mother.

“Hello, Leanne,” he said.

He remembered when he’d first heard her name. The day the police had broken down the door and dragged his snivelling stepfather out in handcuffs. The name hadn’t meant anything to him in those days. Now he knew her to be a decent kid who had been studying hard to become a vet. All that had changed when fucking Brian had decided he could drive to the off-licence for more booze when Billy’s mother had refused.

No matter what Billy had said to her, his mother had taken the guilt to her grave.

“He’s back,” Billy continued. “I needed to let you know. Fucking bastard came straight to Brighton.”

“Who are you?”