Page 27 of Karma (Deranged Drifters MC #23)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Griffin’s Beach Zane

L eaving Anne and Margaret at the house to finish packing while Zane walks into the clubhouse feels weird.

It became apparent he’d never be able to move forward and start fresh in the house he shared with Lane, and they all decided it would be best to move into a new place. The three of them together.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Venom calls.

It feels strange standing in the clubhouse, but it feels even stranger not wearing any leather. Most of life feels strange without his leather.

“Colt said I could stop by,” Zane says and groans inwardly at how lame that sounds.

I called in a favor with the President, who happens to be my brother-in-law, who hates me to lock me in a room with the rest of you who fucking hate me, too. But, hey, Colt said it was okay!

He called Colt two hours ago to ask if he could come to Church some night to apologize to everyone. What he hadn’t expected was to be told to show up tonight to do it. He’d banked on having a few more days, at least, to get his thoughts together.

“This better be quick,” Ky says. “Staring at your face too long is likely to rile up a bunch of us, and you may not be walking out of here.”

Now that was what he expected. “Don’t worry, it won’t take long.”

“Are we all waiting for an engraved invitation, or are we heading in?” Colt asks as he walks past Zane with a glare that sets off a million warning bells inside his head.

Alarm bells. This may have been a mistake, but he knows it has to be done.

He’s the last to walk into the room, and part of him wants to leave the door open. Not that any old lady in the main room, one of which he’s never seen before, would do anything to help him.

“Thanks for letting me crash the party,” Zane says and gives a quick yet forced smile. “There’s so much I need to say, but I’m kind of drawing a blank.”

“Good think you decided to do this, huh?” Shep says and cracks his neck.

How quickly Zane forgot how many loyal friends his sister has in this room. She’s done something for almost everyone in here at one point or another, himself included.

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out and laughs. “It doesn’t sound like it’s enough, but it’s the simplest way I can put it.

I fucked up. For too long, I’ve been pissed at the world, and the only person who helped ease that anger fucking died on me.

My entire world flipped on its head, and I didn’t know what the fuck to do. ”

Some of the faces change from pissed to slightly angry. More than a few of them understand how it feels to lose a woman and how it affects a man wearing the leather. Especially when they lose their woman to death.

Zane locks eyes with Diesel. While he knows the pain of having a wife taken from him, he’s also fiercely loyal to Lex. He needs the older man to understand how sorry he is. That he’s committed to making a change.

“I’ve been allowed to take my feelings out on people who don’t deserve it, and that was never okay. Nothing I did or said to Lex or Emma can ever be changed. I have a million excuses, but that’s all they are. Just excuses.”

No one says a word, and Zane wishes this was just a dream. This is worse than the ones where he’s naked in high school, standing in front of the class to recite an essay he forgot to write. Totally exposed.

“It never felt right to be angry with my mom when she died, and it still feels wrong to be angry with Lane. Even though I had every reason to be angry with VP, I couldn’t allow myself to be angry with the parent who was left. That pretty much left Emma and Lex as my targets.”

“Because that makes a lot of fucking sense,” Ty says.

“I’m thankful no one in here really knows what it’s like to watch the person you love die like that, and even though it was so beyond wrong, I didn’t have a fucking clue how to cope.

Lex didn’t always push back, and Emma only did when it came to her daughter.

It felt like it was okay even though it wasn’t. ”

He glances sympathetically towards his father who has the glares shifting to him instead. VP returns an angry and betrayed stare at Zane.

“My goal isn’t to deflect my bad decisions and horrible actions. I own every one of them, but I hope you can understand the reason behind it. Just a little. It’ll never make it right.”

“We all know you never learned how to cope properly,” Jennings says.

“When I lost Lane, it really felt like the world fucked me over. I hated everyone, but I hated myself most of all. It happened all over again, and once again, I was left to pick up the pieces.”

Looking at the ground, Zane clenches his fists to stop himself from crying. His nails dig into his palms and give him something else to focus on.

“It felt like it was my fault. To lose two of the most important women in my life to cancer. That I’d caused it somehow. Worse than that, though, I still feel like it should have been me instead.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, but it does at the same time,” Jennings says. “We all would be lost without our women, and you had to sit by and watch yours fade away. None of us ever felt you weren’t entitled to your feelings.”

“You just didn’t have the right to take your feelings out on my wife,” Colt says, a hard, steely glare aimed right at Zane.

“And you sure as fuck didn’t have a right to destroy the clubhouse because you were pissed about a wedding.

But even more than that, you didn’t have a right to abandon your daughter. ”

He nods and stares at the ground, continuing to will himself not to cry. The last thing Zane wants is sympathy or pity. “I know. I thought about Margaret every day, and I called at least once a week to check on her. Make sure she was as okay as she could be.”

“Wait, what?” Ky asks and leans forward to look at VP. “You told us you didn’t know how or where he was.”

“It’s not important, is it?” VP asks. “Everything’s fine now.”

“I had to leave,” Zane says, hoping to save his father.

“I was so drunk and high the day I showed up at your house, Colt, that I would have killed Lex. I’m not proud of it, and I’m trying to find a way to atone for what I did.

That was the moment I knew I was a danger to my daughter, and she wasn’t safe with me. ”

“I fucking told you!” Colt shouts. “But noooo, your son is always in control. He’d never do that to his sister. You fucking blind motherfucker.”

Diesel waves a hand in the air. “What do you mean when you say Margaret wasn’t safe with you?”

“I came to take her home on my bike when I was completely blitzed out of my fucking mind, and then I tried to kill my sister for stepping in to keep her safe. I needed to get my shit together before I did something I couldn’t come back from.

To be a father to her. Not entirely sure I know what I’m doing now, but I’m trying. ”

“What would make us believe you’ve actually changed?” Shep asks.

Zane swallows and sighs. “I’ve stopped drinking. I don’t think I have a problem now that I’m learning how to cope with my feelings, but I wrecked my bike. Broke my femur. And, uh, I… I met someone.”

“You’re trying to apologize because of a woman. And what happens when she leaves your ass? Will you go back to using your sister as a punching bag?”

Shaking his head, he shifts from foot to foot. It’s a logical question, and he can’t blame anyone for thinking this. Hell, he’s thought about it, too.

“No, I had a lot of time to do nothing but think. Lane was right. I’ve avoided being angry at the wrong people for too long. The night I went to see Lex, I saw Emma at my mom’s grave, and we talked. It’s hard to admit, but I see how wrong I’ve been for most of my life. But I was.”

“What did Emma say that changed your mind?” Colt asks, leaning back in his chair with an air of disbelief around him.

It hits Zane how out of his mind he’s been for so long. He barely remembers his brother-in-law in the President’s seat at the head of the table. The regime change suits him, and Zane’s actually happy for him. Even if it’s what cost him his leather.

“She only ever wanted to be there for me, and I only ever wanted to make her life hell. I don’t know if I can make up for it, but I’m going to try. If she’s willing to let me.”

“And what about Lex?”

“If it’s okay, I’d like to stop by the house tonight. I have something to give her, and I owe her and Lucas a real apology.”

Everyone looks around at each other, but no one says a word after Colt nods his head. Zane doesn’t have much else to say, so he begins to inch towards the door. Awkwardly.

“Uh, thanks for hearing me out and not killing me on sight. It’s still a little hard to look at myself in the mirror, but I can’t just ignore my mistakes if I want to be a better man. A man Lane always knew I could be.”

Colt gives him a hard look. “Wait in the main room, and we’ll head to the house together. If you go too early, your daughter may become an orphan. Lucas still wants your head on a stick.”

“Wait,” Jennings says. “You should stay for what TK and I want to put on the table.”

It’s a test, but Zane accepts the challenge. He leans against the door and nods. “Okay.”

“What’s going on, Jennings?” Colt asks.

“As you know, your father and I were putting VP through a series of tests to see just how far off the deep end he’s gone.”

“You what?” VP growls.

TK just laughs and shakes his head. “You’re barely keeping your head above water. I don’t know what happened to you, man, but you gotta change.”

“And this needs to be brought to the table?”

“I propose we officially put VP on a six-month probation. If he doesn’t shape up and change his attitude, we strip him of his leather,” Jennings says.

Looking at Colt, Zane sees him staring at the former heads of the table with surprise. “This is what you meant when you said it was best if I could claim ignorance?”

“Yes,” TK says. “And I second the motion.”

“What the fuck?” VP growls. “Fucking traitors!”

“We’ll take a vote,” Colt says.

Standing, VP shakes his head. “Fuck you will! I’ve spent over thirty years in this fucking club—”

“Dad, shut up and sit down. I had to wreck my bike and break one of the most difficult bones to break before I saw the disaster I was making of my life. This is your wreck, and you need to listen to them. They’re giving you a chance. For the love of God, put your pride aside and take it.”

“Fucking traitors,” he mutters and sits.

“You can go out there now,” Colt says, but he gives Zane a strange look. One Zane doesn’t particularly like.

He steps out of the Chapel and leans against the closed doors. He lets out a loud sigh, thankful that part is over. And he made it out alive.

“You think you’re safe just because you made it out of that room in one piece?” Melanie asks, her arms crossed as she walks up to him. “You pissed us off, too, you know.”

“Oh, I have no doubt,” he says as Felicity walks up to join her. He looks around for the familiar redhead. It’s always a blonde, brunette, and redhead. “Where’s Autumn?”

“Gone.”

Blinking, he looks at her in shock. Rocco was in the room, and he oddly looked annoyed with Zane, too. Rocco’s never been a big fan of Lex, but Zane supposes he doesn’t have to like someone to side with right over wrong.

“She left Rocco? Man, I never thought she’d be the one to leave.”

“She didn’t.”

He studies the two women before it dawns on him. “Wait, she was the rat?”

“How do you know about that?” Felicity asks.

“Lex told me. She said it wasn’t a member, but I… fuck. Never would have seen that one.”

“We didn’t, either.”

The doors open, and he whips around in time to catch the leather tossed at him. He looks at Colt in confusion. “What’s this?”

“You’re back, if you want. But make no mistake, Zane… There will be no third chance. I will take your daughter in after I make her a fucking orphan if you pull even a sliver of the shit you’ve already done,” Colt says with a growl.

“Your daddy can’t save you next time,” Venom says. “He’s currently on notice, and we might fucking bury him right next to you.”

Zane stares at the kutte in his hands. Clearly, Colt and Venom weren’t on the winning side of this vote, but he still feels a sense of pride. It’s a member kutte. It doesn’t say PROSPECT. Some of them think he can turn his life around.

“Understood.”