Page 23 of Karma (Deranged Drifters MC #23)

Chapter Twenty-Three

Griffin’s Beach Zane

S itting on the front step of VP’s house, Zane waits, his leg bouncing as he glances at his phone for the fifty-seventh time in the past two minutes.

A familiar yet older version of his daughter walks on the sidewalk by herself, earbuds visible with her hair swept up on the top of her head.

Just like your mom. That woman could find a song for every emotion she ever felt. Every situation in her life could be tied to at least one song. Music healed her soul.

Margaret looks up as she reaches the driveway and stops dead in her tracks when she sees her father. Her eyes widen, and she pulls one of the earbuds out of her ear but remains where she is.

She wears tall socks with black converse shoes, a black and green plaid skirt, and one of Lane’s black band T-shirts tucked in the waistband. A band Zane likely couldn’t name one song of, but Lane could have recited her favorite lyrics.

“Dad?”

“Hey, baby,” Zane says with a tentative smile.

How the fuck did I miss over a year of her life? How the hell could I be so damn selfish?

“What are you doing here?” Margaret asks, her eyes glancing around. “Is Grandpa okay?”

“Grandpa’s fine.”

“You’re home?”

Slowly, he nods his head. “I’m home.”

“For how long?”

He wasn’t delusional enough to think she’d leap right into his arms and tell him how much she missed him, but he held out hope. The venom in her tone makes him flinch as though she tossed something at his face. He deserves all of it, but it still stings.

“For good.”

“If you say so.”

“Margaret, I’m sorry. There’s no good explanation for how I’ve acted or for leaving like I did.”

Crossing her arms over her chest, she squishes the cover of the band on the front of her shirt and glares at him. “Yeah, but you did. You left me to figure out how to get through life without either of my parents.”

“Mar—”

“Here’s a quick recap for you. You know, to get you up to speed.

I got my period. Freaked out, but at least Aunt Lex was able to help after Grandpa panicked.

Even after you tried to kill her. That was fun.

Grandpa and Emma broke up, and she refuses to get back together with him.

Grandpa’s a real ass to Lex, and they don’t speak unless it’s about me. Hmm… What else?”

“I’m such an idiot.”

A sinister smile appears. “Oh, yeah, how could I forget the most important one? There was a little situation caused by the sudden upheaval of my life with Mom dying and my dad running away like a little bitch. Turns out, I have control issues, and with so much out of balance, I focused on the only thing I could.”

Frowning, he shakes his head. “What?”

“Food. Grandpa didn’t even notice. It wasn’t until Lex finally got to see me that she noticed how bad it’d gotten. I was down to seventy-five pounds and she forced me into counseling. I was pissed about it, but she probably saved my life.”

The confession knocks the wind out of Zane, and he can’t force his lungs to take a breath in. His daughter has an eating disorder, and he wasn’t around to help her.

No, I was the cause of it.

“I wanted to live with Lex because I don’t really like Grandpa, but he refused.

Kept saying she’d poison me against you, but she’s the only person who told me you still loved me.

I don’t believe her, but she tries. So, here I am.

Stuck in a house I don’t want to live in with a man I don’t like, and now my father shows up out of the blue saying he’s sorry. Yeah, my life is now complete.”

The sassiness definitely comes from Lex, and Zane’s kind of proud of her for it. “I don’t really know what to say,” he says, his voice hoarse as he finally takes a breath in.

Laughing, Margaret shakes her head. “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? I’m sorry , and I don’t know what to say? Jesus, you’ve had over a fucking year, and that’s the best you can come up with?”

“I lost myself,” he admits, but he knows it sounds weak.

She lifts an eyebrow. “Ya think?”

“Losing your mom the way we did really fucked me up. Brought me back to how it was when I lost my mom because I never learned to deal with those feelings. I spiraled, kid. It makes up for nothing, I know, but leaving was the best thing I could do for you at the time. I wasn’t a dad.”

“Still aren’t, last I checked.”

He nods and sniffles. Looking at her becomes impossible, and he looks at the ground. He wipes at his eyes, hoping she doesn’t notice. The last thing she deserves is to see him completely fall apart.

“I deserve that.”

“You deserve a hell of a lot more than that!” she shouts.

Her bookbag hits the grass, and he looks up to see one pissed off teenager. “Don’t go destroying things because you’re pissed at me.”

“You were terrible! Not only did you try to kill Lex, you were going to drive me on your bike completely blitzed. The things you said… And then you left me!” she says, wiping her eyes angrily. “I promised Mom I’d stand by you because you needed me, but you left me parentless!”

“I was really messed up—”

“So was I!” she screams. “Mom never would have abandoned me. I wish you’d been the one to die instead of her.”

The tears can’t be held back any longer, and he looks at his hands folded in front of him as he leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “Me, too, Kid. Me, too.”

“Did you ever love me?”

Zane snaps up to look at his daughter. “How can you ask me that?”

“How can I not?” Margaret asks. “This doesn’t feel like love. I’ve heard how Grandpa talks about Lex, and that’s not real love, either. But I guess he stuck it out at least.”

I really fucked up if I’m on the same level as my dad.

“I love you more than I love myself. The truth is… I hated myself. It was hard for me to be what you needed because I wished every single day it was me instead of your mom.”

Swallowing, she straightens her back. “You did?”

“She knew how to do everything. How to take care of you. What you needed and when. I was supposed to be the fun parent, and suddenly, I was the only. And I hate to admit this, but looking at you hurt.”

“I hurt you?”

He sniffles and locks eyes with her. “You look so much like your mother, and I miss her so goddamn much. The way you talk and walk and act is all her, and it was hard because I’m still so angry with her. She left us, kid, and I’m so fucking angry.”

“She didn’t have a choice, Dad. No matter what you think, or how you feel about Lex, Mom wasn’t getting better. She gave us everything she had.”

“It doesn’t mean the feelings go away. The last thing I wanted to do was take out my anger on you, and I knew I was about to. That’s why I had to turn it on others, but the truth is that I screwed up. I really screwed up, kid. More than I ever thought I could.”

“You hurt others because you didn’t want to take your anger out on me?”

The anger falls away, and she looks at him with curiosity instead. Just like her mother, Margaret tries to understand others while Zane makes assumptions and reacts. Thank God you take after her, baby.

“The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you, but I know I did. I scared myself that day at Lex’s house because I saw what I was capable of. It was like I had no control over myself, and it scared the hell out of me.”

“Why?”

“Because it meant I could hurt you. I’d never recover if I did that, but it’s a bullshit excuse because I did hurt you. Probably in a worse way.”

Margaret sighs and slumps her shoulders. “You scared me, too. But I needed my dad. I needed someone, and I suddenly had no one. Lex tried, but it’s not the same. And Grandpa wouldn’t let her.”

Sniffling, he wipes his eyes. “She’s a better person than I’ll ever be.”

She holds her shirt out a bit to showcase it for him. “She took me to this concert. This was Mom’s favorite band, and they had a farewell tour. It was a surprise for Mom’s birthday.”

He thought it was one of his wife’s shirts, but it’s not. Lex took Margaret out for Lane’s birthday to celebrate. Something he should have done.

“She and a few other old ladies took me, and somehow, someway, Lex got them to dedicate Mom’s favorite song to me. For those four minutes, I felt Mom with me. It was the best four minutes I’ve had since she died.”

Her hand flies to her mouth as she muffles her sob, and Zane hates how much his daughter suffered alone. He did, too, but he should have been here. For her, he should have climbed out of the hole he felt he was being buried alive in.

“I’m going to make it up to you, baby. I swear, I will figure out how to do that. You mean more to me than I can ever put into words, and I’m so fucking sorry. So sorry.”

When Margaret runs up and throws herself into his arms, Zane’s nothing short of surprised. She hugs him tightly, her hot tears hitting his neck, and he just holds her as she cries.

“I don’t know if you want to come home or not, but I cleaned up the house. Stocked the fridge and mowed the lawn. Whenever you’re ready, the door’s always open for you.”

“You promise you won’t leave me again?”

“Never. It’s you and me. We’re stuck with each other, and I will do whatever I can to make up for the last year and a half.”

Leaning back, she wipes her eyes. “I forgive you.”

“No, I haven’t—”

“I do,” she says. “That’s what my therapist tells me. Lex and I have gone to a few sessions together, and she’s shared how she’s wasted too much time wanting closure that will never come. She forgives you for how you treated her, but it’s not for you. It’s for her.”

“I don’t want her to forgive me, either.”

She smiles. “You don’t really get a say in it. Holding onto pain and anger only creates a personal hell for yourself.”

“You’re too damn smart, you know that?” he asks, laughing and wipes her fresh tears.

“It’ll only take me a minute to pack up my stuff. I’ve been praying you’d come back and take me home since you left. This isn’t my home, and I didn’t want to make it one.”

“I’ll wait,” he says. “Unless you need help.”

Standing up straight, she shakes her head. “I’m okay. I don’t know if you can put it on your bike, though.”

“I’ll carry it to the house.”

She runs up past him towards the door, but she stops and turns to him. “Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“I miss her.”

“Me, too, kid. Every single day.”

“I missed you, too.”

Zane stares as she disappears inside. He doesn’t deserve any of this, but he refuses to take it for granted. It bothers him how little his father was able to make this a home for her. A safe space.

Am I really that surprised what I’ve learned?

Looking up at the sky, he smiles as tears slide down his cheeks. “I’m gonna make you proud, baby. And I’m going to stop being a disappointment, Mom. This is for both of you as much as it is for Margaret. And me.”