Page 22 of Karma (Deranged Drifters MC #23)

Chapter Twenty-Two

Griffin’s Beach Zane

W alking into the cemetery, Zane pauses and lets out a shaky breath before moving to stand before his mother’s grave. It’s been years since he last visited her, but he hasn’t been able to get her off his mind since Lane died.

“Hey, Mom,” he says and bends down to rest his hand on the cool stone. “It’s been a while since I stopped by. I’m sorry about that. Turns out, I’ve been pretty angry with you for a long time… I just never realized it.”

A branch breaks from behind him, and he turns to see Lex’s mom walking away. The last person he expected to see at his mom’s grave was the woman his father moved on with, and he has conflicting feelings about it.

“Emma?”

“I’m leaving,” Emma James says without turning around.

He runs up to her and stares at the two bouquets of flowers in her hand and with confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“Your mother’s birthday is tomorrow,” she says, backing away to put distance between them. “I put flowers on her grave every year. If I wasn’t in town, I had them delivered. And the other is for Lane.”

Blinking, he stares at the flowers. Yellow roses and daisies were his mother’s favorites. And Lane loved lilies. “You remember their favorite flowers?”

“Whether you want to believe it or not, Zane, Maggie and I were friends. I would’ve given up what I had with your father if she could have just beaten the cancer.”

Tears sting his eyes. “How did you and VP end up together? The time overlaps, and… That’s what’s hard for me to wrap my head around.”

“Your mom pushed it,” she says. “I was attracted to Nash almost immediately, but I would never have betrayed my friendship with your mom. She was a very special woman. She approached us and convinced us. She didn’t want you two to be alone.”

Swallowing, he tries to process this. “She wanted you together before she died?”

“She asked me to take care of you both when she was gone. I tried to keep that promise, but…”

“I didn’t let you,” he says when she trails off and closes his eyes. Opening them, he sighs. “I made it impossible.”

She hands him the flowers for his mother. “I loved her. Watching her die like she did was painful for all of us. I wish it didn’t happen. I can only imagine how devastating it was for you.”

“It’s hard to think that it may not have been the cancer that killed her.”

“What?”

Frowning, Zane studies her face. Emma should know this, shouldn’t she? “Didn’t VP tell you?”

“I haven’t talked to your father since the wed—”

“Wait, you didn’t get married after I left?”

Emma looks at the ground and shakes her head. “I couldn’t do it.”

“Emma, I’m sorry. I was in a bad place and living on alcohol. It made everything so much worse, and I had no right—”

“It was more than that. Your father isn’t the man I thought he was.”

Sniffling, he runs a hand over his face. “What do you mean?”

“It became clear that he has always and will always turn a blind eye to… to the way you treat Lex. I understand why you hate me. It wasn’t going to change how much I loved you, but I always thought he at least saw what you did to your sister.

Whether he did anything or not, that was a separate situation. ”

“I don’t understand.”

She swallows, lets out a shaky breath, and moves another step backwards. “He was shocked at the way you reacted to the wedding. Lex and I both told him you wouldn’t be happy, but he didn’t think you’d do anything.”

“I shouldn’t have.”

“Lex pointed out that it’s the exact reaction you had to every birthday party I tried to throw for her. He looked us dead in the eyes and said it was never that bad.”

It hurts to hear. Everything Emma says is true, and Zane knows he’s been a total bastard to the women who tried to help him for most of his life. “I took everything out on her.”

“You did. When he said that, I lost it. I always believed he loved Lex and just didn’t feel he could express it. Either he changed, or I’ve been wrong about him Lex’s entire life. At this point, I don’t really know.”

“Mom may have been poisoned,” he says, not really sure of the best response to Emma’s assessment of his father. He has no defense.

Her eyes widen, and he’s struck by how much she looks like Lex. He and Phillip look like VP, but Lex looks very much like her mother.

“What?”

“Did you ever know about Phillip? Or, Nero?”

“Not until Lex was attacked.”

He blinks, and it hits him. “You didn’t have protection detail?”

“Why would I need that?”

“Because he targeted women with blonde hair and blue eyes.”

Stunned, she gapes at him. “Really?”

What the fuck happened to you, Dad? This isn’t you.

“Yeah, his own mother had blonde hair and blue eyes. She was one of his first victims, but my mom may have been his first. Another confession our brother made to Lex. He wanted to kill us, and he told her that he replaced Mom’s medicine with poison.”

“How old was he?”

“Um, he would’ve been, like, ten or eleven, I think. I don’t know how much we should trust the word of a psychopath, but I do remember him.” He lets out an awkward chuckle. “I thought he was my imaginary friend.”

Her jaw drops, and she just gapes at him. He can’t really blame her for not having a response. What does someone say to that?”

“It kind of changed my perspective on things. Plus, the time away has really forced me to face my actions. I really am sorry, Emma. I’ve been angry most of my life, and I’ve taken it out on everyone who didn’t deserve it because I never felt right being angry with Mom. Or Lane.”

Emma sighs. “It has to be difficult to be upset with them when they’re not here anymore. But them not being here is exactly why you’re upset. It’s like getting so angry you cry, but then you become angry you’re crying, and you can’t get out of the cycle of madness.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, I guess so. Look, I know you tried, and I appreciate it. Especially because I sure as hell don’t deserve it. I’ve really fucked up my life, and I’m scared I’ve done too much damage to come back from.”

“I think it’ll take time, but I think you can redeem yourself. If you really want to.” Holding up the lilies, she gives him a small smile. “I’m going to set these on Lane’s grave, and then I’ll be gone. You should spend time with them.”

Emma walks over to set the lilies down against Lane’s headstone, kisses her fingers, and taps them on the top before walking away.

Sniffling, Zane walks over and sets the flowers beside Margaret’s headstone, and he kicks himself for not thinking to bring anything. It feels like his mom just watched the encounter with Emma, and he doesn’t know what else to say to her right now.

“Hey, baby,” he says as he walks the few feet to Lane’s grave. “It’s been too long since I was last here, but I guess you can say I hit rock bottom. Crashed my bike, did some pretty bad damage to myself, but this is the first time in a long time I’ve felt something besides anger.”

Tears sting his eyes again, and he blinks them away. The last thing he wants to do is cry, but he suspects it’s pointless to stop them. Not when he has yet to read the letter Lex gave him.

“I’m so fucking pissed at you for leaving me,” he says, his voice lowering to a whisper. “I know it’s not your fault, but this wasn’t supposed to be our ending.”

He looks up at the night sky and replays the last months of her life. How she’d told him she didn’t want to fight anymore and made Lex her power of attorney. Watching her fade away were the worst moments of his entire life.

“I hate feeling powerless, and you took away any power I had to help you. I had to just… I don’t even know.

Watch you die, I guess. That really fucked me up.

I miss you so goddamn much that I ache. Sometimes, I can’t move because of how much it hurts missing you.

But the times when it’s better, and I can focus on something other than missing you, I feel guilty. ”

Sniffling, he wipes his eyes and opens the letter. His breath hitches at the familiar handwriting. Why didn’t she write him as many letters as Margaret? Maybe he could have pushed past the grief faster.

Zane,

I hope Lex was able to give you this letter soon after my funeral, but I have a feeling it’s taken at least a year.

Hopefully not much longer. I had very strict instructions for her.

She’d know when you were ready to move on.

Now, if I know you, you’re struggling with the guilt.

You feel like you’re betraying me, but the truth is, I need you to move on.

You aren’t good alone, baby. And Margaret deserves a mother figure in her life.

Falling in love with someone doesn’t take away the love we had.

Falling in love with another woman means I’ve done my job and taught you that it’s okay to open your heart that tends to close itself off.

You may get hurt, but you may find your forever.

The same one we thought we’d have, and it’s okay.

I want this for you and for our daughter.

I need you to show her it’s all okay. My only request is that you don’t forget me.

It’s okay if you don’t think about me every day, but I want Margaret to look back and remember the years we spent as a family.

Even if it’s just my birthday. Do me a favor, baby.

Don’t let my death be a day of mourning.

In fact, I’d rather you both forget it altogether.

Celebrate me and welcome the woman you’re ready to let into your heart to the family.

Let her know I’m happy for you two. Unless it’s a club bunny.

If that’s the case, she won’t be around long.

Like I mentioned, I gave Lex specific instructions.

Our love made me so happy, and I will be happy watching over you as you find a way to love again.

Find your happiness. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.

Even when I was scared and wanted to run, knowing how much it would hurt you if I left held me back.

You deserve only happiness in this world, my love.

Love you forever, Lane

“I’ll never forget you. You’re a big part of who I am, good and bad, and I love you. Even though Lex is done with my ass, she saw my struggle with Anne and kept her promise to you.”

Zane chuckles and wipes at his tears. His wife always knew him better than he knew himself.

“You’re right. I feel like I’m betraying you when I’m with her. But I do need to move on, baby. I am no good alone.”

His lip trembles as he stares at her letter, some of his guilt lifting. He swallows and tries to gather his strength. This has been incredibly difficult, and he’s not really sure where to go from here.

“I don’t think I ever really moved on after Mom died, and I don’t want that for Margaret. She doesn’t deserve the anger I’ve held onto my entire life. You set a better example for her than I ever did. Thank you for being a good mom, baby. Even from beyond the grave.”

Heading to his motorcycle, he lets out a shaky breath and looks up at the sky one last time. Both women watch over him, and it kills him to know how disappointed his mother has been in him for so long. And Lane shares that sentiment.

It’s time to try to redeem myself. And there’s only one place to start.