Page 209 of Jagged Souls

“I need you,” I rasp.

He looks at me softly. “Not if you have her.”

But I might not have her. I might have lost her for good given all the things I’ve done, and I fucking understand it. I failed to save her. I took her magic. She thinks I made the choice to take her fucking eyes. To hurt her again despite my promises.

So she believes Antonio. Believes him to be her savior. The one who hasn’t lied to her because she isn’t of the right mind to see his words for the lies they are.

What if I choose? What if I give up on myson, and she just leaves?

Pure agony rushes through me. I can handle her walking away from me to be happy somewhere else. But I can’t do it while also losing Rudy. Can’t stomach it. Can’t handle it. I start to hyperventilate. Can’t hold back the tears.

“Aw, look at the big man cry,” Antonio mocks.

I ignore him, keeping my eye on Rudy. A silent question.Can you control your magic?

Pain flashes in his eyes. He shakes his head.

And I break.

Chaos magic isn’t like regular magic; it doesn’t wait to be commanded. It’s wild and unpredictable, and it will latch on to every one of our fears, bringing them to life. If he tries to use even a little, to poke a hole in his tight control, the magic will burst free.

And my greatest fear is losing them all. Micha, Rudy, all my other brothers, my mother, Dayne, Lou, and Stefaan. Everyone I care about, everyone my wife cares about could be killed in an instant, wiped from this world by Rudy’s magic.

I can try to focus on a different fear of mine, pull up the line-dancing goats that I’ve conditioned myself into being afraid of just for him. But I know Dayne’s greatest fear is losing Micha. Antonio’s too. And I don’t want to know what horrible things Eduardo can come up with. Or Terra – one of the strongest disease witches in the last two hundred years.

And then there’s Rudy’s fear.

The whole world gone. His body rotting with decay. But he’s still alive, left to wander alone in perpetual pain. Left to scream into a void that will never answer back.

Perhaps he is not strong enough to make that reality true for the whole Seven Planes or even this world. But he is strong enough to take out an entire city. Entire islands that might be nearby. Or kill off all the fish and other creatures in the sea around us, causing a devastating effect for the world. It’s why he doesn’t come with us on missions. Why he’s so godsdamn careful with his magic.

With chaos magic comes chaos.

Comes death.

He tries to smile at me again.I’m ready.

But I’m not.

Gods fucking dammit. I’mnot.

Dayne groans, finally coming to, and my attention pulls to him.

His shoulders jerk as he tugs on his binds. He isn’t nailed down like I am, just chained. He even still has his hands – though they’re tied together so he can’t use them.

“Fuck!” It’s a sudden shout full of fear. He knows where he is. His head snaps up, his eyes wild with a remembered panic, a childhood of trauma and terror-filled pain. I’m sure he’s looking for Eduardo, but they land on me and freeze. I can sense his heart beat running wild. The Craving lunges in my belly, wanting him to run. Wanting me to chase. My teeth start to ache, but I fight it back. If I make the choice when I’m mindless…

“Shit,” Dayne says. “I’m sorry.” Sorry for getting caught. Sorry for ending up here. He’s the only one who could feel where I was through the tattoo. Now my brothers have no hope in saving us. In saving Micha. He’s doomed us all, and a part of me wants to punish him for that, to let him feel the consequences of his mistake by picking him.

But he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me.

None of them would be.

If anyone should die, it should be me.

“Kill me,” I say.

“So you can get her in the next life?” the werewolf scoffs. “No.”