Page 17 of It’s A Little Bit Bunny (Fangs on Ice #4)

Sixteen

Nikolai

L ife kept me away from Jules for the next month.

I travelled to the next game with the team. They played the Rimburg Ravens.

We had only just arrived at the rink in Rimburg when Jerke held me back.

“Lorenz? I want you to get changed and join the team for training.”

Fuck yes!

I’d been prepared to hang out on the bench. In record time I had changed, taped my stick, and sharpened my blades.

I could have cried when Bo beamed at the sight of me.

“Dammit, it’s good to have you back, Kleiner.” We chased each other up the rink, passing a puck between us. Arne soon joined us, trying to block our path. He stole my puck and passed it to Nate, who accepted it easily, and dodged Luis, our rookie, and took his shot. Guns barely deflected it. Then our centre was back. He passed to Max, who feigned a shot, passed back and—“YES!” A beaming Decks hugged Max and Arne to celebrate his goal, and Bo and I joined the group hug.

God, it’s so good to be back.

Bo and I doubled down on them. We’d always been a great team.

Jerke smirked at me when I left the ice, drenched in sweat but grinning madly.

“Lorenz?”

“Yes, Coach?”

“Are you ready for some ice time tonight, son?”

“Yes! Of course I am.”

“Good.” He contemplated me for a moment. “It was good to see you play today.”

“It felt good.”

Like it did before the depression hit me.

Coach Jerke seemed to know what was on my mind. “We’ll get there again. I believe in you.”

“Thanks, Coach.” I choked on the words, turned, and followed the rest of the team into the locker room.

I’d almost forgotten how fucking good it felt to have a stadium full of fans cheering you on. Or how fantastic winning felt, and how much it turned me on.

I was glad to have my own room for the night. Jules was on my mind when I stood in the shower, rivulets of hot water running down my body. I squeezed some body wash out of the bottle and spread it all over my length.

Fuck .

I shut my eyes and leaned my forehead against the cool tiles and angled my body so the water wouldn’t wash away the foam.

I fucked my slippery fist. God. The lewd sounds of my hand flying up and down my cock made me even harder.

I thought of Jules’ lean chest peeking out from the laces of his tunic and the strawberry red freckles dotting his skin. I bet his nipples were the same colour…

“Fuuuck,” I groaned, hips snapping forward as my climax rammed into me. My cum splattered on the tiles. I stroked myself through it, breathing hard.

You’re fucking starved, Nik.

I wasn’t proud that I’d wanked to the thought of Jules. But after this dry spell, I had to take whatever got me going. Once I’d rinsed off, I cleaned the wall and turned off the water.

I pulled on a pair of boxers—dick-to-hotel-sheets contact was the worst—and collapsed into bed.

God, I’m wiped.

I started the recording of the storm I listened to every night on Kraken Video and fell asleep almost immediately.

It reminded me of the summer storm raging in Jules’ forest, and how safe I had felt in his home.

The summer storm video was what saved my ass over the next couple of weeks. Dr Schmidt hadn’t exaggerated. The testing he put me through was one of the most taxing and difficult things I had ever done in my entire life. They made me revisit my childhood and made me talk about my father when all I had ever done was suppress every last memory of that man for the past twenty-odd years.

They made me dig through my school years and through all the painful shit I had ever experienced. I hated the part that tested my intelligence. I wasn’t dumb, I knew that. But the anxiety I had answering the questions was out of this world. What if they tell you there is nothing wrong with your brain, and you’re just bananas?

It took them a week to finalise my results, and it was one of Dr Schmidt’s colleagues who gave me the news.

“Mr Lorenz, it was pretty clear. We can say with certainty that you have ADHD.” All the tension left my body. And only afterwards, as relief flooded me, did I realise how much I had feared that it was all just in my head.

“Okay, I don’t know if I should be happy or sad now.” It was the truth. I didn’t know how to react. All of me was strangely numb, as if I was watching as a bystander.

“That is completely normal. We experience that a lot with late diagnosed patients. It will take some time for you to wrap your head around everything. Take your time, Mr. Lorenz.” She gave me a kind smile.

“What does that mean for my job?”

“You play professional hockey, right?” The therapist asked me, checking a note she had made on my file. “Yes, I play for the Pumas.”

“My professional suggestion, although I am not your coach of course, would be to go back to your routine as soon as possible. It can be helpful to have a break, especially when you are dealing with what you’ve been going through. But we recommend structure. And from what I can guess there are very few jobs that provide a stable schedule the way professional sports do.”

“So you think I’m cleared to play again?”

“As I said, I am not your coach. I can only draw from my experience in working with neurodivergent patients for the past fifteen years.”

“Yes, then give me that, please,” I asked her impatiently. At first, yes, it had been a relief not having to do anything, not having to perform. But fuck, I needed to play again so badly.

“From experience and my personal opinion as a therapist, I would say yes. I think it would do you good to have that rhythm in your life again. If you feel ready, that is.” Her kind smile reminded me of my mum, even though we weren’t that far apart in age.

“Thank you.”

She nodded.

“All the best to you, Mr Lorenz. Perhaps I’ll come and watch one of your games.”

I grabbed my bag and got to my feet. “If you ever need tickets, let me know. If you’re allowed to accept that.”

“Oh, no. It’s fine.” She chuckled as she put all the papers into one neat pile. “Perhaps I’ll bring Dr Schmidt along. I bet he’s never been to a game either.”

“Enjoy your first hockey experience, then.” I grinned at her “I hope we win when you come to watch us play.”

“With you back on the team, I’m sure you will.”

I didn’t go back home after the appointment but went to a fast food place around the corner from the hospital. I ordered myself the largest coffee they had on their menu and hid in one of the booths. The tests and that appointment had robbed me of all my feelings.

For the better part of half an hour, I wondered if I should get in my car and drive out to the labyrinth. Perhaps being with Jules would help me fill the emptiness inside me. You’re fucking selfish!

If I couldn’t understand my feelings, how could I expect Jules to handle them with me? It wasn’t that I didn’t want to burden him with my problems. First I had to wrap my head around them, see a bit clearer.

I only wanted to go back once I wasn’t an emotional mess anymore.

I miss him but don’t want him to have to pick up my pieces.

Jerke wasn’t ready to have me back on the roster yet, but we agreed that I would train as if I was going to play the next game. And it helped, as it always had done. The exertion kept the intrusive thoughts at bay.

You’ll have to look at them eventually, Nik.

I went on daily walks and searched for pottery classes in Veitsreuth. And before I went to sleep at night I listened to the summer storm on my phone, pretending I was back in Jules’ house, safe and sound, while the world outside the windows ended and was reborn.