Page 12 of Is It Wrong to Escape My Fate? (Dealing With Fate #1)

What better way to talk about my issues than over food?

“That’s why you suddenly acted differently,” Mia lamented as she spooned mashed potatoes into her mouth. “I thought it was a side effect of that weird fever weeks ago. You went from quiet and reserved to enthusiastic and excited over the little things.”

Robin and Reuben remained silent as they sat on either side of me but ate their lunch as I requested.

“I mean, I really liked the change,” Mia admitted, looking apologetic. “You asked me on the way to Aerahelm, and all the while I was worried you’d regress if I pointed it out.”

I remembered the conversation all too clearly, and I had a slight panic attack then, too.

Unfortunately, I still wasn’t truthful a hundred percent. I couldn’t. Not without knowing the repercussions.

“Did you somehow go through something traumatic while you were under our watch?” Robin mumbled from my right, poking at his food. “We can’t even know if you don’t remember anything.”

“We were too focused on training to pay attention to you.” Reuben gripped his fork so tight his knuckles turned white. “It’s our fault this happened to you.”

“No!” I took both of their free hands in mine, surprising them. “Never think that. We will eventually figure this out, but never think this is your fault. Besides, I am fine ... mostly.”

They both looked at me worriedly but kept their hands tucked in my grasp.

I glanced at Elias, seated with us right next to Mia. He was having his lunch too, and as he met my eyes, I implored him through our shared look to help me reassure my bodyguards that I would be fine.

He stared back with raised eyebrows, silent. Of course he wouldn’t get it; it wasn’t like he could read my mind.

“Did I really change that much?” I changed the topic and directed the question to Mia. I swallowed first before asking, “Like I’m a different person?”

“It’s not so much a different person, more like a different facet of you?” Mia answered as she drank her juice. “You’re still you, Miss Bea. Only livelier. More, err, unpredictable? More confident with yourself.”

I turned to my knights to get their input, but they stayed quiet. When I turned to Elias, he shrugged. “It’s been several years since I last saw you, so I can only compare you to my old memories. Very inaccurate.” He smiled. “If it makes you feel better, I like you the way you are right now.”

Somehow, it did make me feel better. Even though I didn’t deserve it.

My knights remained quiet as we finished our lunch, and I couldn’t help but feel I had seriously fucked something up.

When we returned to my dorm room, sans Elias, Mia began her daily chores while I called my knights to my bedroom. We needed to have a serious conversation.

While guarding my secret.

I sat on my bed as they stood in front of me. “Now that we’re alone, tell me what you really think.” I crossed my arms on my chest to show a little bit of authority.

Robin immediately went down on his knees. “It feels wrong for me to feel this way! I’m so sorry, Bea. I should’ve said something!”

“What are you talking about?” I gasped. I didn’t understand why they continued to feel guilty in my situation. I reached for him, but Reuben caught my hand instead, as he too, knelt on the floor on one knee.

“We knew something changed with you from the very first time you met us after your fever,” he admitted. “And much like Mia, we like this newer version of you. I apologize for our selfishness.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Selfishness?”

Robin answered, “We were selfish for only thinking of ourselves. We didn’t stop to consider the possibility of you getting hurt as the cause of your change. It was as if nothing else mattered because we were only looking out for our own interests.”

“Even if we like the new you, we would’ve done anything to make sure no harm ever falls on you,” Reuben added. “We dedicate our lives to you, Bea. Please never forget that.”

What the hell was happening? I felt even more guilty for making them believe I only had a malfunctioning memory, and not the fact that I was a completely different entity.

This was the only way to prevent anyone from knowing. If the Kingdom discovered a presence detached from this universe, would they treat me as a pariah like the Demon Lord?

Would the Kingdom try to kill me?

Nobody could ever know.

In the meantime, I needed to indulge them so they stopped blaming themselves.

“I forgive you both,” I said, trying to mean it.

“What’s in the past is in the past. I promise that if I remember what caused this change, I will immediately let you know.

We can worry about it then. Right now, I need my twin knights back, please? ”

Robin smiled lopsidedly before he dropped his head on my lap. “We don’t deserve you, angel.”

“Thank you,” Reuben also smiled, planting a chaste kiss on the hand he was holding.

I cleared my throat as I patted Robin’s short silver hair.

“If I say something weird, tell me, alright? Just imagine me as someone learning the ropes again.” More like for the first time.

I was thankful that Mia and my knights were more than willing to answer my questions about the world whenever I had them.

Wait … now that I thought about it, if all three of them realized I wasn’t my usual self, then that explained why they engaged with my questions. I was an idiot to think I could’ve fooled them this whole time, when they would’ve already memorized my mannerisms and personality.

I could understand not recognizing the change from my pseudo-parents — they rarely saw me since they were busy running the barony — or Alec, who I only saw once or twice a year during his entire schooling. Much more for others who hadn’t seen me since my debutante ball.

Being a recluse worked out in my favor.

“We’ll help you recover your memories,” Reuben promised, and that was the best that I should get. I shouldn’t ask for anything more from them.

God, I couldn’t wait to get back to the real world.

Deceiving people wasn’t really fun. The guilt alone was eating me up from the inside.

Even those times when I hooked up with random strangers, I had always been true to myself.

I never made shit up so they’d find me more attractive.

It was the real me or bust, and if they didn’t like it, then that was their loss.

Being stuck here was the antithesis to my principle.

It was fun discovering a new world though, right?

It would be funnier if I didn’t have to pretend to be somebody else. And didn’t have to argue with my own brain.

Technically, I was being true to myself in a way. That was how my companions figured out I wasn’t exactly the same.

Still not me .

I am me.

I clutched my head with my hands. Really not a pleasant experience arguing with myself.

“Sorry, I think I need to lie down for a bit,” I told my knights, who were watching me with distraught looks. “I have a headache.”

“Are your memories coming back?” Robin asked, both hopeful and hesitant.

“It won’t be that easy,” Reuben scoffed, and the two of them helped me onto my bed, fluffing my pillows first before laying me down.

“Thank you, babes,” I mumbled, closing my eyes.

When I came to, it was already dark, judging from the sky through my window. How long did I sleep? I didn’t plan on taking a nap, but as soon as my head hit the pillow, I quite literally passed out.

Was it time to have dinner? I hoped they’d eaten already and didn’t wait for me. I didn’t like people to be hungry because of me.

Pushing myself up slowly, I made sure my head wasn’t throbbing with pain.

“Bea …” a voice whispered from the shadows of my room that had my hackles rising. My eyes hadn’t adjusted to the dark, and I couldn’t see anyone. I grabbed a pillow and held it like a weapon. Was it my imagination?

I remained still, willing my heart and my breathing to calm. My eyes darted everywhere as I waited for them to adjust to the darkness.

When I could make out shapes, I bided my time, listening for someone else’s breathing, but there was none. Hallucinations, seriously ? Maybe I was that hungry for dinner already.

I reached for the lamp and turned it on with a touch — enchanted with magic was always the explanation for something that would be technologically advanced in my world — and the glow it provided lit up my room enough to show no one was hiding in dark corners.

My entire dorm was spelled to only let trusted people inside, as a standard arrangement by the administration for all students. No one could just sneak in … right?

I woke up in time for dinner, after all. As the four of us walked into the dining hall, Mia kept to my side this time, whispering information I didn’t ask for, but still appreciated.

“That’s Lady Cecilia Valonde,” she murmured, gesturing to the lady who called me a pleb the first night I was here. “A duke’s second daughter, older than you by one year.” She had long, beautiful lilac hair, and she moved with a grace befitting a noble. No wonder she looked down on me.

“Lady Kathel and Lady Mera,” Mia continued, referring to the two other women with Cecilia.

It was Mera, with curly ginger hair and vivid green eyes, who told me about my disaster of a debutante ball.

“A count’s daughter and a viscount’s third daughter, respectively.

Lady Kathel once made you cry during one of the usual tea parties. ”

I had no recollection of that. Looking at her, I wouldn’t even think it was possible, with her petite stature and long, blonde hair plaited into two.

“Oh! Lady Cecilia used to be betrothed to the Crown Prince,” Mia gossiped, lowering her voice, “But the Prince absolutely refused it. He threw a tantrum, according to the maids. Almost lost one big battle with how much he defied the arrangement. It only happened last year.”

“Do you think it explains why she’s always moody?” I gossiped back while Mia giggled. Even though I had very little interest in nobility, it was a funny image for a Crown Prince to throw tantrums. I wondered if he laid on the floor and flailed his arms and legs like a toddler.

I couldn’t imagine any reason to refuse marriage with a beautiful woman, though. And if my knowledge of noble rankings was right, a duke’s daughter was only one step below a prince. Cecilia seemed as princessy as one could get.

The three ladies picked out their food, while their maids and the servers catered to them.

Normally, I would try to befriend them despite their rough initial treatment of me, because god knows every girl needs to be a girl’s girl.

But I couldn’t afford to form friendships that I would potentially leave behind.

Handling Mia, my knights, and Elias was already tough enough.

“I finally caught you,” someone said before my knights intercepted him. Robin and Reuben glared at Amos, suspicion wafting off them.

My throat dried up at the sight of him. “Amos.” Eli’s older brother had always stayed away from me as I spent time in their manor. Wasn’t it supposed to be like that even here? I convinced my rational mind it was okay to fuck this man because he avoided me when around other people.

“I tried to guess last night when you’d be here for dinner,” he laughed, as if my bodyguards weren’t standing between us. “I’m glad I got it right this time.”

Oh, no.

No.

“It’s good to see you too, Amos.” I dismissed him, walking away while Mia watched me from the corner of her eye, and my bodyguards surrounded me.

It didn’t deter Amos from following. “I was thinking it’d be nice to have dinner together.”

“Why would my lady have dinner with you, Lord Amos Drakon?” Reuben finally spoke up, stopping our entire group and earning a few onlookers. I wanted to sink into the floor and disappear.

Amos chuckled as if affronted, glancing between my knights before on me. “Why wouldn’t she? Bea’s my —”

“Amos.” I stopped him before he said anything stupid. I didn’t know exactly what he was about to say, but I had a pretty good idea what it could be. “Whatever it is you’re thinking, please cease it.”

He actually seemed hurt and confused, and holy fuck, please don’t look at me like that.

“Sunshine, I don’t understand,” he mumbled, eyebrows furrowing. “I thought we had a connection.”

“Connection?” Robin echoed, glaring harder at him.

But Amos only stared at me. “Talk to me, Bea. Please.”

Honestly, I agreed; we needed to get things straight between us. “We’ll talk, but not here, not now,” I conceded, mindful of the number of ears listening to our conversation. “For now, let’s have dinner. Separately.”

Amos nodded in silence before sauntering out of the dining hall, making heads turn. He didn’t make a show of it, but his presence commanded it, anyway.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. Even as he walked away, I couldn’t help but watch his fine ass. What was it about him that physically attracted me so much? One look at him and I was immediately turned on.

I was so fucked.

“What in the heavens was that?” Reuben growled at the same time Elias appeared, asking, “What did my brother want?”

Oh, for the love of god.

“Interesting turn of events,” someone commented from a nearby table, and when I glanced over, Samuel Grimwald watched with a smug face, the angle of his seat perfectly capturing our entire conversation.

Ignoring them all, I turned to Mia. “Let’s blow this joint.”

“Huh?” She looked so confused it was hilarious.

I pulled her away from this group of attractive men because I was starting to learn I had a very serious weakness with trying to escape this world.