Page 32 of Irreverent (The Marked Saga #7)

I felt empty and disconnected on the drive back from Temple. While I knew I had done the right thing trading away the only card I had left in exchange for Trace’s life, there was still something hollowing about knowing you just signed away your soul. Granted, it wasn’t set in stone. I could potentially become the Fourth Horseman, stop Nikki and her spawn of Lucifer, and then have my life handed back to me with a pretty bow.

But I knew that was about as likely to happen as Nikki joining the nunnery was.

No. Chances were this wasn’t going to fare well for me in the end. The Horsemen had come here for a reason and when that reason was no more, they were going to disappear back to the nonexistent state they’d come from, and I was probably going to get dragged right along with them.

Anxiety whirled under my skin as I drove through the town mindlessly. I wondered if I’d have enough time to do all the things I wanted to do. To finish school and graduate. To take a trip somewhere. To see that adoring look in Dominic’s eyes again…

What would he think of the choice I made if that time ever came? Would he resent me for making him feel again only to leave him in the end? And what about Trace? My soulmate. My first love. Would he feel the same way as Dominic?

Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure I was doing the right thing by them. It seemed wrong to try to drag them back from the absolute darkness they were residing in only to walk out on both of them in the end.

But what other choice did I have? I couldn’t leave them in the state they were in. I couldn’t go on knowing I didn’t do absolutely everything within my power to save them. Because I knew they would both do the same for me.

In a heartbeat.

Besides, time would eventually heal their wounds. They could go on and live happy, full lives.

Maybe even fall in love again…

Glancing up at my surroundings, I realized that I had somehow managed to drive myself home and park my car in front of the Blackburn Estate even though I’d meant to go to school. Apparently, trigonometry really wasn’t all that important in the face of becoming the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse.

It was just as well.

What I needed to do was to retreat into myself for a little bit while I tried to find a way to come to terms with what I had just signed myself up for, and when I was done with that, I needed to get my affairs in order in the event that this thing ended badly for me.

Locking up my car, I walked up the stairs and paused on the front stoop. How was I going to explain this to Tessa and Gabriel? Neither one of them seemed to think becoming the Fourth Horseman was a good idea when we’d discussed my options. Would they try to stop me? Do something stupid to sabotage my deal with William?

The door swung open, jolting me out of my private thoughts as my gaze flew up to meet Gabriel’s. He was standing a couple of feet away from the door, out of direct sunlight with his brows dropped low over his green eyes.

“Why are you standing outside the door?”

he asked, fully perplexed.

“I wasn’t. I mean, I got distracted. I was looking for my keys,”

I said, throwing out a couple lies in the hopes that one might stick. I gave him a funny look. “How did you know I was standing out here anyway?”

“I…had a feeling,”

he said, stepping back so that I could join him inside the foyer.

I furrowed a doubtful brow at him. “A feeling?”

“I felt your anxiety,”

he admitted, watching me as I shucked off my school blazer and tossed it on the bench.

“Seriously?”

I let that sink in for a beat. “Damn. We really are bonded.”

“I thought you were going to school?”

“I was…but then I got sick. A stomachache.”

He searched my face for a beat and then gave me a look that told me he wasn’t buying my story. “Does this stomachache have anything to do with your meeting at Temple?”

Turning on my heel, I marched into the house toward the kitchen. Mostly so he couldn’t get a read on my eyes when I lied to him. “No. The meeting went great. They’re giving me more time to think about the whole Horseman thing.”

“They are?”

he asked, the doubt ringing heavy in his tone. I didn’t need to see Gabriel’s face to know he was having a hard time buying that one too.

“Yup.”

I opened up the fridge and grabbed some orange juice. “And they’re going to be helping us with Trace. William’s assigning his best Casters as we speak,” I added as I pulled out a glass from the cabinet, keeping my lying face away from view.

“Jemma,”

said Gabriel, gently taking my arm and turning me to face him. He plucked the jug of orange juice from my hand and then the empty glass from the other before setting them both down on the counter behind me. “Why am I getting the distinct feeling that you’re not telling me everything?”

I stared at him as though he were speaking a foreign language. Mostly, I was trying to block the connection between us so that he couldn’t get a good read on me. “You’re being paranoid, Gabriel.”

“Am I?”

“Yes,”

I insisted, forcing myself to laugh through my words in order to appear light and happy. “The meeting went great. Everything is falling into place. Would you just relax for once and enjoy it while it lasts?”

He studied me curiously as I did my best to keep the fa?ade going. In my heart of hearts, it sucked having to be back in that lonely space where I was lying to everyone around me. But I knew I couldn’t let Gabriel or anyone else know about the deal I had made. I couldn’t risk anyone or anything getting in the way.

Even if that meant I had to lie through my teeth.

“Okay?”

I asked, forcing my smile to stay stretched across my face.

“Okay,”

he mirrored, though his eyes never stopped searching or prying into my own for the truth.

“That’s the spirit,”

I said, patting his chest as I walked around him. “Now if you don’t mind, I think I need to go and sleep off this stomach bug.”

And with that, I bolted from him and the kitchen, not even bothering to take the orange juice on my way out.

***

Away from prying eyes, I locked my bedroom door behind myself and then slid all the way to the ground, pulling my knees up to my chest. I promised myself that I was just going to give myself five minutes to completely lose my shit. Five minutes to be angry at the cards I’d been dealt. Five minutes to be terrified of the deal I’d made and what would become of my life when this thing was all over. Five minutes to cry.

And when those five minutes were up, I was going to crawl back to my feet, wipe my mascara-streaked eyes and handle it like the powerful Slayer I knew myself to be. All I had to do was put one foot in front of the other, deal with one disaster at a time, and I would make it to the other side of this storm.

I’d done it before.

But you had the Amulet then. Death was off the table. The chance for a happily ever after was always still there.

I chased away the dark, sobering thoughts that sought to remind me just how far up shit’s creek I’d drifted. So, I wasn’t going to get everything I dreamed of. I wasn’t going to get my happily ever after with either one of the men I loved. Was I really that surprised? When had things ever gone right for me anyway?

It was just as well really. I could never choose between the two of them anyway. It would have been like choosing between my heart and my lungs. Impossible. Unfathomable. Suicide even.

Maybe this was for the best. Maybe this was the most perfect, macabre ending for the wildest ride of my life. Because maybe I was only ever meant to know them and love them, but never keep them. Maybe this had been fate’s plan all along.

I blew out a jagged breath as warm tears spilled down my cheeks.

Fuck, was I going to miss them though.