Page 23

She’s been gone for three days and apart from one message each night, just before she goes to sleep, I have not been in contact with her.

I never knew it would be this hard to honor her wish.

Every day is a battle between my heart and my head.

In my heart, I’m raging, furious, disgusted with myself that I let her leave so easily.

In my head, I’m aware that caging her would have torn us apart. This is the only way. Letting her go was my only chance of ever winning her back.

But the fear of never being that close to her again is crippling me.

“Alright, I think that’s everything,” Luka says, glancing down at the meeting notes.

Rodion nods and stands up. “Great. Let me know when that shipment is out.”

“Will do.”

Around me, the guys chat about things we have to do while I sit, silent and heavy, staring straight ahead.

My family has tried to be there for me, but what can they do to unbreak my heart? They can’t help me.

I’ve been doing my best to focus on the bratva business and my offices, but no matter what I do, she’s on my mind.

Someone slaps their hand against my shoulder, squeezing tightly.

“You doing ok, man?” I look up into Radmir’s eyes. His smile is genuine.

“I’m good.” I lie.

“We’re heading out to see the new range of SUVs we’re ordering for the workforce. Do you want to tag along for the ride?”

“No, thanks, man. I’ve got some things I need to do.” I lie again.

“No problem. Will you give me a call this evening once you've looked at the details of the new Andrei lead?”

“Of course. I’ll do that.”

Why does everything sound so robotic? So empty. Void of life. I guess it’s because the one thing that will make me feel alive has left.

He squeezes my shoulder again and then lets go, leaving me to my thoughts and my pain.

A new lead about Andrei should excite me. A chance to find my little brother's best friend. A chance to do right by him.

But it doesn’t.

There is no heart in anything anymore.

The days are empty, and I spend most of them wanting it to end so that I can go to sleep and stop my heartache.

I listen to people. I reply. I don’t add anything valuable to conversations.

Often, I find myself staring into space without thinking at all.

Although I do think—I think about her while I try desperately not to think about her.

It’s like my entire life is falling apart, and I’m not even trying to stop it. I’m just watching it happen.

“You keen to join us for a drink tonight?” Arkady asks. I look up and realize everyone else has left and we are the last two here.

Shit. I should get going.

Standing up, I gather my things, slipping my phone into my pocket, glancing at the screen with a flicker of hope that she might have messaged me. She hasn’t though.

“Dude, did you hear me?” Arkady sighs.

“Mm?” I ask, looking up at him. “Sorry, what?”

“For fuck sake.” He chuckles. “You’re losing your mind, man, over a girl. Come for a drink tonight. It’ll be good for you.”

I shake my head. “No, thanks. I’m going over the new lead and then—“

“Fuck off. You are coming for a drink tonight. Eight o'clock, at the Lava Lounge. If you’re not there at eight, I will come to your place and drag you out myself.”

“Fuck sakes.” I huff.

“You know I’ll do it.” He chuckles.

“I’ll be there.” I snap, annoyed that he’s putting me in this position. But in the back of my mind, my logic tells me to appreciate my family. To appreciate the effort they are all putting in to try and help me through this.

It’s not working.

But the fact that they are there for me is what counts.

I’ll go for a drink.

I’ll sit there in silence.

I’ll go home.

It will ease their worry to see me out and about and doing normal things. They are worried about me. My sisters have been calling every day, three times a day, to check up on me. My brothers are constantly asking me if I need anything.

If I could find a way to make them believe that I was fine, just so that they’d leave me alone, I would do it. But I can’t fake happiness.

I’m numb, empty, and hollow inside without Sera.

Arkady glares at me one last time. It’s a warning and I nod in response. “I’ll be there, man. I promise.”

“Good.” He says.

I watch him walk away, and when he’s far enough ahead, I leave as well. This way, I can walk down to my car alone.

Another day is dragging by with my eyes on the clock. Time drags when she’s not with me. I wish she were waiting at home for me.

Working on the lead for Andrei doesn’t bring me any satisfaction, and in the end, it’s another dead end. Radmir answers the phone with hope in his voice when I call him.

“Hey, Nico, what can you tell me?” He asks cheerfully. It’s funny how people try and sound more upbeat when they know you’re down as though they’re trying to be happy enough for both of you.

“Hey, man. I spoke to Pollock and Denver. They both took a tour of that underground club. It was completely empty.”

“Well, ye. It would only open around one, maybe two in the morning?”

“No, I mean it wasn’t operating. There were homeless guys sleeping in the DJ booth and behind the bar.

Broken bottles coated in dust. It’s been closed for months.

It’s not even like we could make the assumption that they saw us coming and made a run for it in the last couple of days.

That club hasn’t had people or music in it for ages.

Never mind Adrian. Just in case though, they did a full sweep of the whole place, thinking maybe they’d find evidence that he was hiding there at one point. But we came up with nothing.”

“Shit.” He sighs, frustrated. “I really thought this was a good lead. Alright. I’ll go back to the guys and get them to change direction. This fucking guy has to be somewhere. He can’t have vanished into thin air.”

“Alright. Let me know.” I say.

After the call, I look down at my phone and groan loudly.

“Seven-thirty.” I sigh.

I'd better get going. Ark will definitely rock up here, and he wouldn’t be quiet about it. I’m too tired to deal with his chaos.

It’s early enough in the evening to find a decent parking spot outside the bar. My feet crunch against the cold ground as I walk towards the entrance of Lava Lounge. A bouncer nods in greeting and steps aside, pulling the door open for me.

“Evening, Mr. Andreev.” He says, his voice gruff.

“Evening, Killian,” I reply as I step past him.

Inside the warmth of the club, I shrug my coat off and hand it to the smiling young woman standing near the coat racks. Her long, bleached blonde hair is glowing pink in the red lights.

“Mr. Andreev. Your brothers are here, in booth three.” She says, tilting her head towards the booths.

I nod.

As I step past her, she blocks my path. She lifts her dark brown eyes towards me and smiles shyly. “You never called me.” She says.

Shit. I forgot she gave me her number. It was a few months ago already. I never had any intention of calling her, but I could at least have sent a message to let her down easy.

“Sorry, Melissa, I’ve been busy,” I say with disinterest, hoping she’ll catch the hint. The last thing I want to deal with now is this.

“Will you call me tonight?” She asks, brushing her hand over my chest.

I catch her wrist and stop her, shaking my head. “No, I won’t be calling you,” I say sternly.

She knots her brows and scrunches her nose, a sour expression tainting her otherwise pretty face.

“No problem. I have other options.” She snaps, her entire mood shifting.

“Lucky them.” I muse.

She huffs and turns her back on me, so I step around her and head towards my brothers. There is laughter coming from the booth as I approach.

Stepping inside, they turn towards me, and Arkady jumps up, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, his beer almost spilling.

“Yes. I knew you’d come.” He cheers.

Luka and Yilian shift up, making space for me.

Luka hands me a shot of tequila.

“No, man, not tonight,” I say, refusing it.

“Just fucking do it.” He snaps.

I clench my jaw. Whatever. What difference does it make anyway? Maybe the alcohol will numb the pain.

I throw the shot back and Arkady instantly hands me another.

“What the hell—“ I murmur.

“You need to catch up.”

I toss it back as well.

My eyes close as I feel the alcohol burn down my throat. When I open them, Yilian is handing me a beer.

I take a long sip to wash away the tequila.

“How are you doing, man?” Luka asks.

“He’s fucking fine.” Arkady answers on my behalf. “She’s just a girl.”

Luka clears his throat loudly and throws Ark a severe glare.

He’s clueless. He always has been. Wild, unpredictable, and clueless.

He thinks life is this joyous rollercoaster of mayhem and luck.

I’m not even offended by his comment, because it’s Ark.

He doesn’t know better. He has girls falling at his feet, but he’s never experienced love.

Not like that. Family, sure. But not the haunting love of a woman.

Neither had I, though, until I met Serafina.

Serafina.

At nine, she messages me to say goodnight.

These evening messages have been something I really look forward to, but also something that makes me feel worse because I can’t just reply and start a conversation and ask her questions.

This one simple message emphasizes the fact that we are so far apart from each other.

I’m a little drunk, so I don’t reply with my usual ‘sleep well, because worried I might say something stupid.

The night drags on and the shots flow freely. I drink more and more, waiting for it to numb me. Waiting impatiently for that blissful moment where I don’t care anymore.

But instead of relief, I get heavier and heavier with thoughts of her.

Around eleven, Ark leans over and punches me in the shoulder.

“You’re a miserable son of a bitch.” He laughs.

Luka punches Ark. “That’s our mother you’re talking about, idiot.”

“Right.” He laughs. “But seriously, Nico, you need to explain this to me because I don’t get it—“

“Get what?” I huff, regretting coming tonight.

“Why do guys get so hung up on girls? There are literally hundreds of them. You can have a new one tomorrow—hell, you can have a new one tonight if you want. Why are you sulking over just one of them?”

Luka shakes his head and throws a look at Yilian, who shrugs.

“Dude—“ I sigh. “If you don’t get it, then you don’t get it. It doesn’t matter.”

I’m way too drunk to answer him. How can I explain love anyway? It’s too big for words. There is too much of it—it’s too heavy. It’s killing me.

Standing up, I sway a bit, my legs are like jelly. It’s been a long time since I drank that amount, especially in such a short time.

“You might want to sit down before you face plant.” Luka muses.

“Nah, man, I need to get home.” I sigh, holding the wall of the booth for stability.

“Did you Uber here?”

“No, my car’s out front.”

“That’s not going to happen.” He stands up too. “I’ll get an Uber for you. Leave me with your keys and I’ll get one of the guys to drop your car off later.”

“Ye,” I mutter. “Thanks.”

Not long after that, I’m in the back of an Uber wondering how I got there.

Fuck.

I’m drunk.

Too drunk.

I don’t like being out of control like this.

The driver pulls up outside my building, and I stagger out of the car towards the entrance, digging in my pocket for the keys.

It takes all of my concentration to get inside, into the elevator.

I press the wrong button twice, eventually needing to close one eye to focus enough to hit the right button.

Because of that stupidity, I’m forced to take a long trip up to the top floor, with the elevator stopping on two floors that I really didn’t need to go to.

The movement of the elevator makes my head spin, so I close my eyes and lean against the mirrored wall. Fucking Arkady.

He’s incredible—in so many ways—and then in others he’s just a fucking moron.

I wonder if he’ll ever grow up and stop being this wild, out-of-control version of himself.

Maybe not. Maybe I don’t want him to.

Maybe, just maybe, we all need an Arkady in our lives to keep us on our toes.

I stagger towards my front door and fumble with the lock until it swings open.

Home.

It’s not a home without her.

It’s just a space.

Unable to walk anymore, I collapse onto the sofa and dig my phone out of my pocket. This is the last thing I should be doing—but I dial her number and click the phone to loudspeaker, letting it rest on my chest while it rings.

“Nico?” Her sleepy voice comes drifting through the phone, and immediately, I smile.

“He,y beautiful.” I stammer.

“Are you ok?” She asks.

“Yeah, I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you. Are you doing alright there?”

“Have you been drinking? You sound different.”

I pull my mouth to the side. “Mm. I had a few drinks with the guys.” I admit.

“A few?”

“ A lot.”

Silence fills the seconds that tick by.

When I speak again, my voice is tight with pain. “I miss you so much, Sera.” I hate sounding this week.

“I’m sorry, I know, I just—“

“No. I’m the one who's sorry. I shouldn’t have called you.” I clear my throat and desperately try to focus on something—anything.

“Nico, you don’t sound ok at all. Should I call Luka? Maybe he should come over and check on you?”

“No, no. I just left him at the club. I’m tired. I’m going straight to bed. I’m really sorry I disturbed you. I just wanted to—I wanted—it doesn’t matter what I wanted. Good night, my angel. Uh—Serafina. Um. Good night, Serafina.”

Fuck. Stop talking.

“Nico, I’m worried about you.” She says again.

“It’s ok. I promise I’m fine.” I laugh, but it comes out sounding dark and ominous. “Do you want to go for coffee tomorrow?” Why would I ask that? Of course, she doesn’t want to go for coffee.

“I do—it’s just—maybe it’s too soon—“

“You’re right. It is too soon. But listen, I want you to know that I’ll wait for you, no matter how long it takes, I’m waiting for you. I won’t push. When you’re ready, I’m here. Ok?”

“Ok.” She replies, barely a whisper. “Good night, Nico. Please go to bed. And drink some water.”

“Good night, my angel.”

The line goes silent, and I’m alone again.

Alone in my space. Alone in my mind.

Utterly alone.

Her words are like a dagger in my heart. It’s too soon.

What if she ’ s never ready?

What if she never lets me back into her heart, and she moves on? I’ll be left behind. I’ll never be able to get over her. I’ll never be able to move past this.

But if that’s what she decides she needs, I have to honor it. What choice do I have?

But how can I let her and my baby go?

It’s impossible.

It’s terrifying.

I pick up one of the thrown pillows and press it over my face.

Sleep.

Escape this pain and sleep.