Page 22

In the darkness of my dream, I walk along the edge of the ocean.

Warm water splashes my feet as the waves roll quietly over the sand.

There should be a gentle, soothing sound.

The sound of water. The sound of the wind.

Anything? But I can’t hear a thing. I press my fingers against my ears and shake my head, scrunching my nose in confusing.

The silence is heavy. It’s pressing into me like led.

As I take my next step, my foot begins to sink.

I gasp. My own panic is ringing in my ears. Tugging, trying to lift my leg and it sinks deeper. Looking down at the ground, I can’t see it—because my belly is so swollen its blocking my view. A moment ago, it wasn’t even a bump and now it’s growing like a balloon.

But I can feel the sand sucking me into the cold depth of the earth.

I scream and fall backwards as I fight against it.

Pressing my hands into the ground, I try to push away from it—but now my hands are sinking too.

The sad rises around me, the ocean still silent and ignoring my pleas for help. No matter how loud I shout, the vast salty blue water is ignorant of my desperation. The sand is up around my waist, swallowing my belly and the baby growing inside me.

It’s up around my breasts, and I can’t move my arms.

It’s higher still—my throat feeling the cold grains as they surround me.

I open my mouth to scream and sand pours in, flooding my lungs, dry and rough and scraping against my flesh.

My eyes shoot open as my body jolts awake. I cough, reaching up to touch my throat.

It was just a dream.

I reassure myself twice. Three times.

Nico is sleeping next to me. When I move, in his sleep, he just reaches out and pulls me a little closer to his body. Settling back down with his arms wrapped around me is reassuring and safe.

But in the back of my mind, I’m filled with worry as I press my hand over my belly. Can I really say that I’m safe? The mafia world is dangerous.

I lie in the dark, thinking about his little brother.

Thinking about the pain of losing someone you love.

How do you pick yourself up and carry on after that?

My dream is still in my head, the dry feeling of sand is scratching at my throat. I wonder what it means?

I close my eyes to stop the tears from rolling onto the pillow. Worrying about my baby makes me wonder if I can stay with Nico. Suppose I’m making the right choice as a mother.

A blinking red light on the nightstand tells me it’s three in the morning.

I snuggle closer to Nico, and he stirs awake.

“Hi, angel.” He whispers, his voice deep and seductive. “Do you need anything?” he asks, worried about me even when he’s only half awake.

“No, go back to sleep, I just had a bad dream,” I whisper back.

He brushes his hand over my waist and then around my stomach again. I do feel safe. I shouldn’t, but I do.

Did we meet at the wrong time?

Is there another universe out there where Nico and I can be together and fall deeper in love without worry for our future?

I close my eyes, thinking of that timeline.

I struggle to fall asleep ,and I end up fidgeting and restless. His body pressed against mine is flooding me with need. Desire builds the longer I lie awake, and I tell myself to ignore it.

Nico’s soothing voice drifts over me. I’m keeping him awake with all my wiggling.

“My angel, they are only bad dreams, nothing can reach you here.”

I want to believe him.

His hand moves over my body, distracting me.

He takes a deep breath and the heat of it against the back of my neck causes my skin to flare with goosebumps.

I shift my ass, pressing it against his groin. I can’t fight the desire anymore.

His cock is already hard.

My heart races as I rock my ass against him, inviting him to take me.

His fingers tighten over my hip, gripping me as though he’s pleading with me never to leave. I gasp, reaching back and running my hand through his hair as he buries his face in the curve of my shoulder and traces his lips over my skin.

His fingers thread in the waistband of my sweatpants, and he pulls them down my body. I wiggle, kicking them away from my legs.

Our quiet, gentle movements become more frantic as he tugs his own pants off. He’s breathing heavily, his hands are grabbing at me, desperate and fighting for control. I don’t want control anymore. I want to feel everything. I want him, I want his entire body against mine.

He rolls me over onto my stomach as he moves on top of me. Lifting my ass into the air he keeps my legs pressed together as he spreads his legs over mine, kneeling with his knees on either side of mine he brushes his hand over my back, down my spine, across the curve of my ass.

“Your perfection is my drug, Serafina.” He growls. “I will never get enough of you.”

He grabs my ass and spreads my cheeks apart, pressing his fingers into my pussy.

“So perfect. I love looking at you.” He murmurs, sliding his fingers in and out of my pussy.

I groan against the pillow, arching my ass higher towards him.

He growls in pleasure as he takes his cock in his hand and rubs it over me, letting the smooth, monstrous size of him tease me as he presses against me and then moves away.

“Please, Nico, please fuck me,” I whisper.

The guttural sound of desperation he makes when he hears those words is like an animal, wild with desire.

His cock plunges into me, pushing deep as it penetrates my body and I cry out with relief.

He wraps his hands around my hips to hold me steady and begins to pound into me, utterly lost in the pleasure of it.

My fingers dig into the sheets, ripping at them, clinging on to my sanity as though I were about to lose it.

I cry out, muffled sounds of feverish lust against the pillows.

“Angel, please, let me keep you.” He growls as he pushes into me. “Stay with me.” He thrusts forward again.

His arm slips around my waist, and he pulls me onto my knees as he presses my back against his chest. His body is solid, like a rock wall, wrapped around me and holding me safe.

He thrusts upward into me as his hand slides up my stomach, over my breasts, teasing my nipples and finally locking around my throat. I tilt my head back against his shoulder. My hair falls loose and wild over us.

He moves my head to the side with his hands on my neck and leans over me, letting the heat of his breath and the seductive whisper of his words tease me.

“You are everything I’ve ever dreamed of. You are my entire world, angel.” He murmurs between thrusts as his cock moves inside me.

I gasp and my lips part, my body starting to shake as I fight for control. I don’t want this to end yet. I want to hold onto this moment. This perfection. His cock inside me. His lips against me.

I want this to last forever.

His other hand slips over my stomach and pushes between my legs.

No.

Wait.

His finger brushes over my clit and I cry out.

My legs begin to shake uncontrollably as he pushes deeper.

My pussy tighten over him and he groans in pleasure. His cock is rigid now, so hard it’s almost too big for me.

He moves faster, desperate, chasing—

I fall forward on the bed, and he lies over me, each thrust pushing my face against the mattress. He fucks me so hard the bed jolts across the floor until ecstasy slams into both of us at the same time.

I scream, every muscle going taut and then pulsing, throbbing, releasing—

I can barely breathe.

Nico shifts off me, pulling me up against his chest again, the curve of my back fitting perfectly into him.

What if I just stayed here?

What if I never left, and I let him love me, and I was happy?

I close my eyes and wish—but no matter how hard I wish, the wish is tainted with reality, and that reality won’t wash away, no matter how hard I cry.

My baby doesn’t deserve this life.

If I make the choice to stay with him, I am making that same choice for my child, and that would not be fair of me to force them to grow up in a world I don’t understand.

The mafia is no place for children.

What kind of a mother would I be?

What kind of person would I be?

The sob shakes me, and Nico pulls me closer. “Angel?” he whispers.

“Nico, I can’t do this.” I cry.

I feel the shaky breath he takes. His body tenses, and he can’t speak.

I’m fighting every cell in my mind, every synapse firing and arguing and telling me I can’t do this. I can’t leave him. I can’t because it will destroy my heart.

But the truth is that if I stay, it will destroy the life of my baby. I will live in constant fear of something happening.

“What do you want, Serafina? What do you need?” he asks with pain in his voice as though he already knows what I’ll say.

“I need you to let me go,” I whisper, barely a sound, too soft to hear.

“I can’t—“ he’s crying. It shatters my heart.

“You have to.”

We don’t speak again, but we stay wrapped in each other until the morning light filters into his bedroom. These last moments with him will be forever etched into my memory. Into my heart.

For the last hours of the night, I’m still fighting with myself, wondering if I’m making the right choice. But no matter how I argue against my choice, my logic always wins over my heart, and I know I have to do the right thing for my baby.

Neither of us sleeps.

Not wanting to waste one second.

When the room is too bright to ignore, Nico gently kisses my neck.

“I’ll make us some tea. Then you can come downstairs, and we can decide our way forward.”

I nod. If I speak now, I’ll cry. I’ll tell him I’ve changed my mind.

But I can’t change my mind.

In the shower, I take my time, letting the hot water clear my thoughts and prepare me for the things I have to do next. Regardless of my heart, I have to be strong now. Stronger than I’ve ever been in my life.

It would be easy for me to convince myself that staying with Nico is the right thing. But that’s my heart. Not my strength.

He is my weakness.

I have to accept that.

The only thing that matters now is my baby.

I walk into the kitchen with my head held high. I will force myself to go numb if that’s what it takes to get through this. I’m ready to argue with him, because I’m sure he will try and talk me out of my decision.

But as I enter, he hangs up a call he was on and smiles at me.

“I’ve arranged a safe house for you. They are going to prepare it this morning. You will have everything you need. And if you need anything else—anything at all—you can call me.” He steps towards me, hesitates, but then does it anyway.

Nico pulls me into his arms and holds me quietly.

I wrap my arms around his waist and lean my cheek against his chest.

“Thank you for understanding,” I whisper.

He sighs and replies. “I’ll do anything for you, Sera.”

We eat breakfast in miserable silence. My heart aches in ways I couldn’t imagine, and Nico keeps watching me with hope—I can see he is waiting for me to change my mind. The guilt of being the one who has to make this choice for our baby is heavy to carry.

At eleven, he drives me to the safe house.

Walking around it, I feel like I’m back in that dream. I’m so far away from the life I used to know. The one I recognize.

He hands me the key and a new phone with a new number that is untraceable.

“My number is already saved on there. So are my brothers and my sisters. You can call any one of us. We’ll be there for you.”

I press my lips together, fighting tears.

“Thanks,” I murmur.

“Maybe, if you don’t mind—just text me tonight to let me know you’re ok.”

“I will.” I nod.

“Every night?”

I nod, smiling.

Nico takes a deep breath and a step backwards.

“I’ll see you around, my angel.” He says as he turns his back and walks towards the door.

My feet are cemented to the floor as my eyes follow him.

He lets himself out, and the door swings closed behind him.

As soon as it clicks, the lock engages, and a sense of loneliness grabs my heart and rips it in two.

I sit down on the floor, exactly where I am, and pull my knees up to my chin. With tight sobbing breathes, I let the fear and pain pour out of me in a river of tears.

I cry until I’m too exhausted to be sad anymore.

My heart is numb, and my head is empty.

Then I walk into the bedroom and collapse onto the bed to sleep.

At least when I’m sleeping, I don’t have to hurt.