Page 7 of If the Stars Align

“Good,” he says quietly. “Because neither do I.” His eyes are glistening. “This is a night like any other, remember?”

I nod, and we wrap our arms around each other like we always do and, before I get out of the car, he says, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” like he always does, and we pretend that tomorrow is an ordinary day—and that, when he calls me, he’ll be calling from the house we both grew up in.

Not from a dorm room halfway across the country.

Iback out of Sunny’s driveway. I make the short trip back to my house. But as soon as I get through the door, it starts happening. My chest is tight. My throat is closing.

I race to the kitchen and down a glass of ice cold water. It doesn’t help.

God, I’m so fucking mad at myself.

I wasted the perfect chance. Thegirl of my dreamswas lying on top of me. And the way she looked at me, it was different this time. It felt like love. It was all I could do not to tell her the truth.

But what would Sunny think if I told her I loved her and, “Oh by the way, last night I had sex with someone else?”

Fuck!

I didn’t plan to sleep with Jenna, it just happened. It was her first time.

And mine too.

I’d had other opportunities—I just really wanted to hold out for Sunny. But she’s so hard to read. And we’re about to leave for different colleges. How long could I possibly wait?

I’m such a goddamn idiot.

My heart races. I gasp for breath.

I try again to ground myself.

I find a picture of us on the side of the fridge and reach for it, my hands trembling. We’re sitting on the tire swings that used to be in my backyard. We’d only just met, but we look like we’d been friends forever.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw her. I remember exactly what she looked like in her yellow dress. I didn’t even know her name was Sunny yet, but I knew right away she was the brightest light I’d ever seen. What a relief to find that light after weeks and weeks of darkness.

Months earlier, I found out I was finally going to be a big brother. After I was born, my mom had three miscarriages. So when this baby girl finally came along and stuck, my parents were ecstatic.

But our happiness was short-lived. One day, my mom went to the hospital. And she didn’t come back for days.

And days and days and days.

My heart ached—I remember that. I was convinced I’d never see her again. Never smell the sweet perfume on her skin. Never feel the warmth of her arms around me. Never hear her say how much she thanked her lucky stars for me.

But eventually she did come home, with a smaller belly and no baby. She walked straight up the stairs, went straight to her room, and got straight into bed. And she stayed there for weeks.

When I asked my dad what happened, his bottom lipquivered. He couldn’t find the words. He suggested we go to the pet store and said I could get anything I wanted. I chose a turtle, of all things. For a few weeks, I regretted my decision. But then, everything became clear to me. Because, you know who really loved turtles? Sunny. That turtle is the reason she agreed to come over and play with me.

And when Sunny started coming over, my house felt alive for the first time in months. The sound of laughter echoed in the halls. My mom opened the blinds to let the light in.Finally, she was herself again. Sunny didn’t know it, but she filled a giant hole in the heart of my family. We had needed her as much as she’d needed us.

We needed her.

Ineed her.

My hands are numb.Dammit.

This picture isn’t helping at all.

Everything in this house reminds me of Sunny. That usually makes me happy, but tonight it only reminds me that I royally fucked up.

I’m tempted to head back outside…