Page 64 of Hush

Goodbye.

Chapter 15

June 24th

Tom drank a full bottle of wine Tuesday night and stared at the pictures of him and Mike in Rock Creek Park until his eyes finally slipped closed after two AM. His alarm went off way, way too early, and his head ached as he downed four cups of water. God, his mouth felt like something had died in it.

Part of him wanted to call in sick and wallow, but another part of him, the part that had pushed him forward for twenty-five years, moved him through his routine. Got him showered and dressed and out the door after feeding Etta Mae. Etta Mae was grumpy, snorting at him when he gave her a goodbye kiss. She hadn’t liked being kept up past her bedtime, and she was going to drool on his couch all day as revenge.

He was at the gym just a few minutes off his usual time, and then into the pool. Swimming helped calm his nerves, soothe his rattled heart. Routine, normalcy. His life moving on.

At the Annex, Mike’s door was shut again, but that was to be expected. He shut his own and settled in to work. What was done was done. He needed to move past Mike, past his failed crush. That started today.

So he was more than a little surprised when, just after four PM, knocks sounded on his door and Mike poked his head into his office.

Tom’s jaw dropped.

Mike didn’t wait for an invitation. He barged in and shut the door behind him.

God, he looked terrible, even worse than the night before. Like he hadn’t slept, not at all, since the weekend. He looked like Etta Mae, all blotchy-red hangdog eyes and droopy skin. Tom stood slowly, speechless.

“Nothing happened, Tom,” Mike said in a rush. “I’m just afraid.”

He found his brain, but his mouth refused to work. “Afraid?” he echoed

“Tom…” Mike screwed up his face and turned away, burying his face in his hands. “God,” he groaned, behind his fingers. He faced Tom again, breathing hard. Raw, naked pain leached from every pore. “Ifellfor you, Tom. I fellsofucking hard for you. Youaremy fairy tale. You’reeverything, Jesus, everything that I’veeverwanted. Ever dreamed of. But you’resoout of my league. You’re kind, way, way smarter than everyone, and so damn hot. Why are you even interested in me? You’re perfect. Totally perfect. But—”

The bottom fell out of Tom’s world.

Mike’s breath shuddered. “But… you’re my fairy tale, and you’rejustcoming out. You’rejustgiving yourself permission to be you.” Slowly, Mike stepped forward, as if drawn to Tom. “If we continue, I’m going to fall even more for you. If we keep going. If we…” His jaw trembled. “And I’m afraid you will want something different. You’re going to want to date other guys. Live the life you were denied. Have fun, like you should have been allowed to. You can’t know who you want to be with forever yet because you haven’t had the chance to look, the chance to live. I’m afraid you’re going to want something simple. Something casual. And I’m going to wanteverything.” He swallowed. “Everything, ever after, withyou, and you alone. You’re going to break me, Tom.” He cringed, and his face twisted, his lips pressed together, his eyes squeezed shut.

Tom opened and shut his mouth, and then opened and shut it again. A tornado raged in his heart, in his soul. Too many thoughts, too many words, clamoring for freedom. But, in the center of himself, conviction. Conviction, and certainty, a certainty he so rarely ever felt. Certainty was not something that was a part of his life. His was a life of measures, of going beyond a reasonable doubt, of just enough evidence to sway. Certainty was a rare, precious thing.

“I know who I want,” he breathed. Like the same magnetic force that had pulled Mike to him, he was pulled to Mike. “I knowexactlywho I want. Who I have fallen for. And…” He tried to smile. “He’s not my first guy.”

Mike reared back. He blinked, and then blinked again.

“I had a boyfriend in college. And, much later, after I fell for this great guy who I knew I hadnochance with, I decided to try and open up a bit. I’ve been onGrindMe. Crash and burned onGrindMe, actually.” He chuckled. “I met some men onSpark. We talked. But they all had the same problem.”

Mike looked like Tom had smacked him with a two-by-four, had driven a car right into his gut.

“None of the men wereyou.Youare the man I want.”

“Tom…”

“I want this. I want to try. I want to try foreverythingwith you. I can’t read the future. I can’t promise you it will work out, that it’s together forever before we even give it a chance, but… let’s try…us.”

It was Mike’s turn to struggle for words, to struggle for something to say. His chin quivered. “If we… if we sleep together—”

Tom cupped Mike’s cheek, stroking over his stubble. He traced Mike’s face with his gaze, mapping his exhaustion, his fears, his hopes, all written in the lines of his face and the panicked brightness of his eyes. “Come home with me,” he whispered. “Tonight.”

Mike’s eyes fluttered closed, and he breathed out, his whole body shaking. He nodded.

There was no way any work was happening for either of them after that. Tom grabbed his jacket and briefcase as Mike closed up his office. Silently, they met in the hallway and headed down the central stairs together. Mike kept stealing wide-eyed glances at Tom, his lips parted, breathing fast through his mouth.

They headed for the secured parking garage where judges, U.S. Attorneys, and federal agents parked. Two security guards were smoking near a rattling box fan, and they nodded as Mike guided him toward his car.

As soon as the car doors shut, Mike lunged across the center console and grabbed Tom, wrapping his hands around Tom’s face and tugging him close. His kiss was hungry, desperate, and Mike whimpered when Tom kissed back, equally as needy. Tom’s hands drifted down, smoothing over Mike’s chest, down and around his ribs. His fingers bumped into Mike’s shoulder holster, the heavy weight of his gun.