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A jangly ringtone suddenly pierces the moment and I literally run to my desk to answer my phone. I look at the caller. Paul. I stare at the screen for a really long time. No, not now. Not ever.

‘Don’t you want to get that?’ he asks me.

I look up at Charlie and sigh. ‘It’s just spam. Let it ring.’

He pauses as my ringtone keeps sounding. ‘I’ll leave you to it. Merci beaucoup, Mademoiselle.’

I don’t know what to tell him. It’s like the wiring in my brain is all tangled. My phone still glowing on my desk tells me that much. ‘De nada, Senor Shaw.’

He walks away, leaving me standing in my classroom, turning to look back at me one last time.

Charlie

‘Oh, he’s a little angel. He would never do that, he’s such a nice boy. You must have mistaken him for someone else,’ a teacher in the staffroom mimics. ‘No, your kid’s a gobby, disrespectful twat, sort him out.’

I must admit, I do like the staffroom here, the sheer bedlam of this large space, the way I can lose myself listening to all the different conversations.

It’s been a super quick way to learn who the troublemakers are, who’s dated who, and all the quirks and personalities of the different members of staff.

There are the swearers (hello, History), that one teacher who thinks he’s down with all the kids, the cynics, the Diet Coke addicts.

I especially like Kim in art who told me she labels her milk as breast milk so no one will steal it.

My staff buddy, Ed, invites me here every Thursday for a catch up which usually involves some sort of cake.

The man wasn’t joking. He can bake and that Mia girl he’s married to is super lucky.

‘So Seville soon?’ Ed asks, passing his Tupperware over my way. Today it’s some sort of rhubarb and custard crumble slice and it’s bloody magnificent.

‘Yep, the school trip beckons. Pray for me,’ I say.

‘I will get my rosary beads out.’ I like Ed.

He is very dry but has kept to his word with this staff buddy thing and regularly sends me emails.

I hope that whatever length of time I spend here, he may become a friend of sorts.

I just need to learn how to broach that without looking too keen.

Asking someone to be your friend is almost as hard as asking someone out sometimes.

We’re not in a school playground. I mean, we are but not like that. ‘Who else is going?’

‘Lee, Fraser from German and then Jackie from HR and her husband, Mark?’ I inform him.

‘Mark the gatekeeper. He’s good value on a trip.

We took him to the Science Museum once and he spins a good yarn.

On a one-hour coach trip, he managed to tell the kids he was once in Fleetwood Mac, scored a winning goal for Borussia Dortmund in the seventies and once got arrested for stealing a zebra. ’

I laugh but the truth is I need a Mark, I need this trip. I need a break from the emotional chaos I’ve felt since seeing Suzie. Even though school trips are usually anything but peaceful, and jam-packed with activity, it will be the escape and distraction I need.

‘And how’s everything with the Year 8s now? Sorted?’

He speaks of a class I have on Tuesday afternoons straight after lunch when they’ve consumed what can only be a full bag of sugar each.

‘Reset my expectations, changed the seating plan, threw one out the window…’

‘Scare tactics like that are a winner. Light beatings always help too.’

I told you. Dry. I smile. ‘Noted.’

‘Oh, I spoke to Julie on data and she’ll send you an email. And you asked about detentions. It’s basically up to you and your department.’

‘I tend to set mine on fish-and-chip day in the canteen since that gets them even angrier,’ a voice intervenes.

It’s Beth, Suzie’s cousin, who to be fair I haven’t spoken to a lot since I arrived here.

She’s kept her distance and I don’t know if this means she disapproves of me.

She helps herself to one of Ed’s cakes and sits down on the lime green sofa to join us. ‘Carlos…’ she says, in my direction.

Ed laughs. ‘Of course, you know Beth because…’ He waggles his finger around between the two of us and I look curiously over at Ed, who it would seem has terrible poker face.

He realises and suddenly appears apologetic.

‘I’m married to Mia and Mia thrives off gossip and she and Beth are in English and all they do over there is just chit-chat. Slackers department, really.’

Beth narrows her eyes at Ed but turns to me awkwardly.

‘Sorry,’ Beth says. ‘We haven’t had a chance to chat.

’ I wonder whether I should be afraid. I can’t read her look.

I can imagine all those cousins are quite a protective force to be reckoned with.

‘I just can’t believe it’s you in this school.

That bloke from holiday. We were all starting to think we hallucinated you because of the heat and now you’re here.

You honestly had no idea who she was? That she was a teacher?

’ she asks me. ‘I mean what are the odds, Ed?’

‘Minuscule,’ he replies.

Her tone sounds suspicious and I have no idea how to counter that.

‘How much has Suzie told you about me then?’ I’ve only been in this staffroom for a few weeks but I know far too much about people I don’t really know.

I know there’s a maths teacher called Zoe who’s getting married next summer and that Robert in Science has an awful time with his ingrown toenails.

‘Well, your name isn’t Carlos. It’s Charlie.’

‘This is true.’

‘You’re not good at decorating your classroom,’ Beth adds.

‘That is also not a lie.’

‘And you’ve stolen her best stapler.’

‘LIES! It was on loan, I am no thief.’

Ed laughs but Beth can’t keep eye contact.

I realise that beyond these small details she knows far too much about me.

If we rewind this, this is the same person who I met on a bench in a Mallorcan plaza, the same person who saw me after I’d had sex with her cousin and she most likely heard all about that sex.

It was a girls’ holiday – I saw the empty wine bottles in the kitchen, and their brazen unsubtlety when I first arrived at the villa.

Suzie most likely spoke about my penis, all the moves, all the positions.

My face goes a little hot at the thought of what Beth knows, and how much Ed and Mia know as a consequence.

‘Do you like her?’ Beth asks me. The question catches me off guard, but I like how she doesn’t beat around the bush.

‘Why? What has she said?’

‘She’s said things,’ Beth says. In an instant, I realise that if Suzie spoke to her cousins about the good sex then it’s likely she’s told them about the bad sex too, which is a tad mortifying.

The way Beth has flared her nostrils at me lets me know the answer to that question.

I’m not too sure I like the fact this has been broadcast. I’ve told no one for the shame of it.

How was it described to her? Was this done for laughs?

Ed looks between both of us. Mate, you’re married.

You’re safe. I bet no one in here has gossiped about your sex life.

‘Things…’ I repeat.

Beth realises that maybe she’s given too much away. ‘Well, it wasn’t Suzie. It was my sister, Lucy. Suzie told her what happened and…’

‘So, it’s a family discussion, is it?’ I ask. I really hope this isn’t on a WhatsApp group. Or they were at least kind about my penis.

‘What happened then?’ Ed asks casually, biting into another one of his baked slices.

‘Oh,’ Beth says, looking at me, knowing the only honourable thing to do in this case is lie. ‘They went on a date and it kind of…fell flat?’

I don’t think I like her intonation at the end of that.

‘That’s a shame,’ Ed says, kindly. ‘Is it the stress of the new job?’

I wave my hands about. ‘No, no, no…not flat like that…just the chemistry was a bit off.’

‘Oh, then I apologise,’ Ed says, then frowns. ‘But from the way Mia described it, didn’t you two have pretty acrobatic sex in Mallorca?’

Beth chokes a little and I feel my face heat up again. I am starting to wonder how much Suzie told people about our little dalliance. I don’t mind good reviews, but how does Ed know to use the word acrobatic?

‘Well, it wasn’t Cirque de Soleil but…yeah, we had a nice time in Mallorca.’

‘But since meeting here?’

‘No somersaults.’ Not even a forward roll, mate.

But despite how that went, I see the spark.

I feel it when I stand next to her on a desk, smiling, putting up bunting, jesting at the way she names her pens.

But then I think back to her flat, I think of the way she flinched when I touched her shoulder and I have no idea what’s happening.

It’s like doing a forward roll but ending up facing the other way and not knowing how you achieved it.

‘She also told me about your family situation,’ Beth says a little more sincerely, and I tense up.

Ed doesn’t seem overtly curious so I will assume he’s also in on this as they both give me tight-lipped smiles to show their approval of my character.

Joke about bad sex, good sex and anything you like about me, but the fact they’ve gossiped about the saddest part of my life and my siblings hits a protective big brother nerve.

Beth can tell this doesn’t sit easy with me.

She nudges Ed who offers me more cake. I don’t turn that down.

‘I’m sorry. That was insensitive of me.’

‘Please don’t apologise,’ I say, dusting crumbs off my trousers. ‘Your cousin likes to talk though, eh?’