Page 12 of Hold Me Closer

"Yeah, I was there. I was the first one at the hospital after they flew you out.

I stayed through your surgery. Stayed until you woke up.

But you didn't want me there, butterfly.

The whole damn time I was trying to get you out of the car, you just kept mumbling not to tell me.

" He exhales a shaking breath, sending static down the line.

"So, once you were awake, I sat outside the hospital.

I stayed until you were released. I couldn't leave, but you didn't want me there, either. "

"Why didn't anyone t-tell me?"

"You were already pissed at me for taking away your choice. I figured if they told you I'd ignored your wishes again, you'd be even more pissed at me, so I asked them not to tell you," he mutters. "And it was my fault you were even on the road that night. I didn't deserve to be there."

A sob catches in my throat, choking me. "T-that's not true. It wasn't your f-fault."

"Yeah, it was, butterfly. You didn't even want me to know about the accident because you were so goddamn mad at me."

I don't remember much about what happened after the accident, but I remember the accident itself with terrifying clarity.

And I remember what I was thinking when I saw headlights rushing toward me in my lane and swerved off the road.

I remember what I was thinking when I slammed into the light pole, too. And it isn't what he thinks.

"I d-didn't want you to k-know because I knew you'd b-blame yourself," I whisper, tears flowing down my cheeks unchecked.

I didn't know how bad it was at the time.

I just remember the absolute certainty that he couldn't find out about it, or he'd blame himself, just like he always did when I got hurt.

I was afraid he'd kill the other driver for hurting me.

But I didn't know I was saying those words out loud.

I didn't know the damage I was doing to him .

God, we did so much fucking damage to each other without even meaning to do it.

Maybe he was right, and we did need time apart.

Maybe we would have destroyed each other if we'd gone on to college together.

I don't know. We were so good together. At least, it felt that way.

But…we depended on each other too much, maybe.

And then, when we didn't have each other, we both fell apart. We couldn't function.

We spent so much of our lives together that we didn't know how to be Nadia without Teo or Teo without Nadia.

I'm not sure if we'll ever fully know how to be those people.

How do you live without half your soul? But we've taught ourselves to be those people as much as possible.

Even when it was excruciating, we learned.

But after six years, maybe it's time to stop forcing ourselves to endure the pain and start trying to learn how to be Nadia and Teo together again.

It's what I've always wanted. And I think, maybe, it's what he's always wanted, too.

We aren't kids anymore. We've broken each other.

We've broken ourselves. And despite everything, neither of us has ever moved on. I think that matters.

We matter.

"Jesus," he rasps. "All this goddamn time…"

"Can we fix it, Teo?"

"I'm sure as hell going to try, butterfly."

"I miss you."

He makes a sound I've never heard—half broken groan, half laugh. "You're killing me, baby. Keep saying shit like that, and we'll be all over the news again tomorrow when I climb through your window in front of the paps stationed outside your house tonight."

"You can't. Zoya is here."

"When does she leave?"

"In the morning."

"I have practice in the morning."

"I have to be at the studio tomorrow afternoon."

"Come over here when you're done," he says. "I'll cook for you. We'll talk."

"Just talk?"

"Fuck no," he growls, making me smile. "If you walk through my door tomorrow, I'm going to put my hands all over you, butterfly. I've been waiting my whole goddamn life to make you mine. I'll wait as long as necessary for you to be ready. But until you are, I don't intend to play fair."

"Wait." I frown. "Are you saying…?"

"Yeah, baby, that's exactly what I'm saying. I waited for you."

"Teo," I whisper, shocked. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. And I don't care if you waited for me or not, Nadia. It doesn't change anything for me, all right? I won't ever hold it against you or judge you for it. After everything we've been through, none of that matters," he says.

"I waited for you, too."

"Fuck," he growls.

"I never wanted…" I swallow hard, gripping the phone tight. "It was always you for me. Even when I didn't want it to be, it was you."

"You gotta stop talking now, butterfly," he groans. "I'm in too much goddamn trouble already to climb through your window on camera."

I bite my lip, fighting a smile. I think he's just crazy enough now to do it. This Teo is a little bit wild. He doesn't keep himself carefully in control like he did when we were kids. He just…does what he wants, regardless of the rules. There's something kind of sexy about that.

"Maybe you don't have to climb through my window to get what you want," I murmur, flipping onto my back. "I'm naked right now."

He growls like a hungry beast. "Right now, butterfly? That gorgeous body is on display right now?"

"Right now," I whisper.

"Fuck. Touch your pussy for me," he pleads. "Let me hear you get yourself off."

"I already did that in the shower."

"Goddammit," he growls. "Were you thinking about me?"

"Yes."

"Did it feel good?"

"So good, Teo."

"Do it again," he orders. "Right now, butterfly. I want you riding your fingers until you're coming all over them."

A thrill goes through me as I slip my free hand down my body, more than willing to give him what he wants. But only if I get what I want, too. "I want to hear you, Teo. Touch yourself."

"You think I'm not?" he groans. "Christ, Nadia. I had my hand on my cock as soon as you said you were naked. I've been imagining myself between your legs, worshipping that pretty little pussy with my fucking tongue."

"When did you get such a filthy mouth?"

"After spending six years dreaming about what I'd do to you with it every night. Touch your pussy, baby. Come all over your fingers for me," he rasps, a hitch in his breath that tells me he's beyond worked up.

I close my eyes, imagining his hand wrapped around his cock, pumping up and down. My thumb rolls over my clit, a soft whimper escaping my lips. God, I want him so damn bad. I want him in this bed with me, his hands all over my body. I want to know what it's like to be his in every way.

"Put your phone on speaker, butterfly. I want to hear how wet you are for me," he commands.

I quickly obey, settling the phone close to my hips to give him what he wants. One finger slips into my opening, and then another. I stretch myself, pumping and twisting, letting him hear how wet I am.

"Ah, goddamn," he groans. "I want that all over me, Nadia. I'm going to fucking wear you like a badge of honor once you let me in that sweet little thing."

"M-maybe I'll wear you too," I gasp, arching into my touch.

"No, baby. I won't be coming on you. I'll be leaving my cum dripping from that hot little hole where it belongs," he pants. "You'll feel me sliding down your legs every time you move."

"Teo," I groan, my core clenching hard at the thought. I'm so close. So damn close. "Please."

"Please, what, butterfly? Tell me what you need."

"Make me come," I beg. "Please."

"How should I do that, hmm? Should I tell you how I'm going to lick that pretty little pussy until you come all over my face?" he asks. "Should I tell you how fucking hard my cock is right now? Should I tell you all the filthy things I've imagined doing to you?"

"Yes." My hips lift off the bed, my inner muscles fluttering.

"In my dreams, I've fucked you every way there is to fuck someone, butterfly. I've shoved my tongue into every hole and feasted until you shattered. You've come on my fingers, my tongue, and my cock over and over," he groans. "But I never come anywhere except that tight little pussy. You know why?"

"W-why?"

"Because in my dreams, I'm planting my kid in you, Nadia. I'm giving you all those babies you always talked about," he rasps. "Every single fucking time I'm in you, I'm breeding you, baby."

His confession sets off a detonation in my womb. I cry out as it sparks an explosion that sweeps me away. Waves of bliss crash through my veins, leaving me gasping his name. I stroke my clit, rocking my hips into my hand over and over.

"Nadia," he groans. "Fuck, Nadia."

Another smaller detonation implodes when I hear him grunt in pleasure.

He's coming too. I grab the phone with my free hand, pulling it close to my ear, not willing to miss a single second, a single sound.

He pants, groaning my name. I squeeze my eyes closed, imagining myself there with him, watching him shake and tremble his way through it.

Pretending that it's landing on me, right between my thighs.

God, I want it so bad. Want him so much it hurts.

"Baby," he breathes. "Fucking hell, baby."

"I know," I whisper, collapsing back on the bed with the phone clutched to my ear. My heart squeezes in a vise. "Tell me this is real, Teo. That I'm not dreaming this time."

"It's real, butterfly. We aren't dreaming this time."

I exhale a shaking breath, my throat burning. "I wish you were here."

"Just say the word, baby."

"You'd really come, wouldn't you? If I needed you?"

"The only reason I've kept my distance is because I thought it was what you wanted and what I deserved.

But not a goddamn thing on this earth would keep me from you if you needed me," he says softly.

"It kills me that you don't know that. I fucked up.

I owe you an apology. Am I an asshole for asking you to wait for me to give it to you in person? "

"You don't owe me an apology," I whisper. "We're both at fault, Teo. We both screwed up. We both hurt each other. I thought you didn't show up. You thought I didn't want you there. And phones work both ways."

"I still owe you an apology," he insists. "You thought I chose football over you. I made you doubt yourself. I was a fucking asshole."

"And I was a scared little girl afraid to lose her best friend," I whisper. "Maybe it's time to let the past be the past. Teo, I…"

I open my mouth to ask him why he didn't show up when I was getting psychiatric care, and then snap my mouth closed again.

For a long time, I thought it was because he didn't care, but I don't think that right now.

I think, maybe, he didn't know. My parents and Zoya didn't tell him because they were trying to protect us both the best way they knew how.

And if that's the case, I don't want to hurt him more now.

Eventually, I have to tell him about it. I know that. But…not yet. Not tonight. I just want to find us without the last six years choking us before we ever have a chance to find out who we can be together now. Is that so wrong?

"No, baby. You were never a scared little girl. You were a fierce little goddess, fighting for what you wanted. I just didn't understand at the time that your dreams were never about what you did. They were always about the people you got to take with you along the way."

Tears sting my eyes, my heart pulsing. He finally gets it. I never needed to conquer the world. That wasn't what brought me joy. It was him and my family. They were my happy place. It never mattered what I did with music so long as I got to experience it with the people who mattered.

Even now, when I have what most people only dream about, it's a hollow sort of victory.

Because I did it alone. I experienced it alone.

My family was there for most of it. But I feel like I did big parts of it in isolation.

Simply because he wasn't with me. I love what I do.

I love performing and singing. I love my band.

But I'd give it all up in a heartbeat for what I really want.

Because a life of love? That was the ultimate dream.

It still is. And it feels more possible now than it has in a long time.