Page 11 of Higher Notes (Chaotic Abyss #2)

Chapter Eleven

Sikes

“Home sweet, temporary home.” Oddly enough, the apartment we’d lived in for years had never truly felt like a home. More of a stop along the way only since we didn’t know what the future held. Now we had everything to look forward to.

“Hey, it’s a roof over your head and very clean.” Jason was spot on with that assessment. Given his home life I felt like a jackass for saying what I did.

“You can take the men out of the military but it’s hard to take a twenty-year regimen out of the men.” Glad to see Snipe lighten up. It was a bit touch-and-go at the airport but when I came back after notifying our therapist he and Jason were talking, and the tension had left his body. Sikes and I had a direct line to the doc, a way to keep each other in check and her notified of any challenges that arose.

I couldn’t remember the last time something triggered Snipe while awake let alone in an airport. Maybe all these changes at once overwhelmed him more than he let on.

No time like the present to get down to it while in the privacy of our place.

“Wanna tell me what happened back there?”

Snipe plopped down on the sofa and sighed.

“Fuck, man, I wish I knew. I mean, we’re around crowds all the time with the principals but yet we’re not, ya know? The civilians are away from the guys and when they sign after the shows they’re kept in an orderly, uniform line. Rocktoberfest we’re surrounded by other guards and bands and the way the tents are set up it reminds me of the barracks, so it’s familiar.”

“We’ve been in airports a million times and you’ve never had this reaction.” At least not to this extent.

“I don’t know. What did the doc say?”

“She’s increasing your med slightly. She called in a new Rx we can pick up tomorrow before we leave. Once we’re settled at Mickey’s she wants to do a zoom call.”

“Can, um, can Jason be on it, too?”

“I think that’s a great idea. We’ll work it around his band’s schedule.”

“My band schedule will work around both your appointments. This is far more important to me and to us.”

Fuck, I loved that man just as much as I loved Snipe.

Our lives had finally come full circle and now Snipe and I had everything we wanted and more.

There wasn’t much here food wise, having cleared the fridge out before we left for Seattle, and it was time to feed my hungry guys.

“All right, we’ve got a busy night ahead of us. I’ll order lunch then we can get to it.” More like an early dinner but it worked just the same.

Snipe and Jason got to work pulling things from the closets and cupboards while I ran to the hardware store and picked up a bundle of boxes and a couple rolls of tape. It was nice to know we didn’t have to deal with any of the big shit. When I got back, the three of us ate then dove into boxing everything up and marked the ones for donation that went with the furniture such as our towels and bedsheets. No reason to bring those. Besides, they were threadbare.

“In the morning we’ll load up what we’re taking with us. Between the three of us it shouldn’t take much time.”

“I’ll clean while you guys load if that works?” Jason offered. “Tag team this shit.”

“Perfect. Then we can turn in the keys after they take the furniture.” I pulled our old duffle bags out of the balcony storage room to stuff our clothes into. This place never really felt like home, not that any place ever had. I held hope that the new life we were embarking upon would change all of that. Those kids had really won me over as had Jason. And poor Dana more than deserved a break. Never knew I was a natural caretaker before the military. Joining was all about getting out of a shitty situation.

First tour in Afghanistan taught me better. Just managed to exchange one shitty situation for another.

I learned so much about myself over those years.

I took it upon myself to watch out for my squad mates and became the mother hen. When the first one died, hit by rogue fire, it gutted me. After that, I was a changed man and taught them everything I could and protected them with my life. That was how I met Snipe. The attraction was instant but damnit if that man didn’t have a deadly aim. We were the perfect pair, and the squad leaders kept us together because of that.

“Anyone want a beer? Might as well finish them off.” They both raised their hands and fell back onto the couch. I grabbed three bottles then tapped mine to theirs as I handed them off. “To new beginnings.”

“To new beginnings!” Jason and Snipe repeated as I joined them on the couch. Jason had his head on Snipe’s shoulder and dropped his legs onto my lap. “I want a nice huge sectional in the new place that we can all sit on and have movie nights.”

“I love that idea.” Jason snuggled up. “Instant family, just add a new boyfriend.”

I nearly shot beer out of my nose. “Funny guy, but yeah, something like that.” And what a wonderful feeling it was. Not the beer part, that is.

“I’m worried about Gabe, though. He’s really disconnected. I hate that we’re leaving right after we get moved in and we’re gone for a long six-month tour. I’m afraid he’s really gonna rebel and put Mom through hell.”

I could see that happening. “I sense a lot of anger in him.”

“Yes, anger he has much of,” freaking Snipe said in a horrific Yoda voice.

“Smart ass.”

“Yes, but he’s our smart ass,” Jason sang. I swore, I could listen to him sing the damn phone book for hours on end. Wait, were phone books still around? His voice drew me in and if I wasn’t careful I lost track of what went on around me. Not good when on the clock for sure. Fizzbo would have my ass if anything happened to our principals. As would I. Failure wasn’t an option in this dojo.

As I glanced around, curled up on the couch with my men, I realized we’d never hung a single anything on the walls. We’d been here for a few years and hadn’t made it ours. Huh, that was telling. It was crazy how one day our eyes suddenly opened and we were like, what the hell, how had this been our life?

Guess it was more of an existence than a life.

Before long, the three of us were relaxed and yawning. I’d just fired off the planned stops along the way to Fizzbo. He’d book the hotels, and we’d keep him up to date throughout the trip. It was important he knew not only where Jason was but his guards as well.

“Let’s get some shut eye. Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day. Jordan messaged he was able to get the truck to come early. Would be great to be on the road before noon.”

Three quick showers later, we were in bed and Jason and Snipe were out in a matter of moments. My mind ran through an endless laundry list of shit I had to do. My biggest fear was that Snipe’s night terrors would hit, and I’d have to get Jason out of the line of fire.

I rolled over to cuddle Jason who turned at the same time to hold Snipe. With Jason between us and my hand on Snipe’s waist, I hoped the connection would be enough to soothe him.

I thought wrong.

First came the twitches and indecipherable murmurs.

At times, it would stop there. Sadly, tonight wasn’t one of those nights.

“Medic! Medic!” he shouted. I grabbed Jason and hurriedly moved us out of bed. Snipe thrashed around, kicking the sheets off as he fought whatever battle his head was in. I fucking hated this and what made it worse was how upset I knew Snipe would be when it passed.

He kicked and screamed then dropped to the ground and huddled in the corner of the room.

“He’s dead! The fucking medic never came. He’s dead!

“Sikes! Sikes! Where are you?” he shouted, but I didn’t dare come near him and instead replied from the opposite side of the room.

“I’m here, Snipe, I’m fine. Are you okay?”

“I-I,” Snipe shook his head and trembled. “Sikes,” he whispered as the tears hit. “Is Jason okay?”

“I am, I’m right here with Snipe.” Sikes’ tears triggered Jason’s. “Can we go to him? I need to hold him.”

“Yeah, now’s good.”

Jason was across the room before I was.

“I’m so broken,” Snipe frantically cried. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, I’m fine. A better question is are you?” When Snipe wouldn’t answer him, Jason forcibly cupped his jaws and turned his head upward. “Are. You. All. Right?”

“No. I’m broken. Just… Just…” More tears fell. “Just leave me.”

“That’s enough!” Jason hollered and we both flinched. “I love you, flaws and all. You think I don’t have any? Well, look again because I do.” I knelt beside them on the floor and wrapped my arms around them. “Sikes and I love you and I’ll be damned if any one of us is leaving.”

We rocked from side to side, the three of us as Snipe caught his breath and regained his bearings. When the sobs subsided and his breaths evened out, I moved us back to bed with Snipe tucked between Jason and I. Tonight was about healing, or at least trying to soothe Snipe’s weary soul. It was inevitable that Jason would be exposed to this side of us, and he handled the situation perfectly. But what exactly was triggering Snipe?

As soon as the pharmacy opened the next morning, I was there. They hadn’t yet filled his new prescription, so I waited while they did. Jason and Snipe were home giving the place a final clean. Snipe had been quiet this morning, more so than usual and I hoped it was only due to embarrassment, and he’d soon work past that.

Along the way back I stopped and picked up breakfast and left a message with our therapist’s receptionist that I’d picked up the new Rx but that there was another episode last night. When I got back the movers had arrived and were already loading the furniture.

“Mmm, coffee. Nectar of the gods.” Jason drew in a big whiff of his cup. “Thank you so much.”

“You are welcome,” I snagged a kiss then handed out the sandwiches and gave Snipe his meds to take. “Dig in. We’ll be on the road in no time.”

Jason refused to throw the bed pillows away, claimed they smelled of us and he was keeping them. Two hours into the drive, he was curled up in the back seat scribbling away in his notebook with the pillows propped behind him.

“Whatcha working on, Jase?” I glanced at him in the rearview mirror, loving it when his handsome face smiled back at me.

“Easton asked us to work on some new songs to start recording at the end of the year. I have a ton I’ve started and never finished but a new one came to me this weekend that I’m almost done with.”

“Sing it to us,” Snipe requested. He’d been far too quiet but I knew his head was likely throbbing after last night. With the new dose in his system, maybe that was part of it, too.

“It’s rough and obviously there’s no music to it. Just remember, it’s a work in progress.”

“What’s it called?”

“Flaws and All.”

You say you’re broken

I say you’re perfect, at least you are in my eyes

You say to leave you behind

I’ll tell ya right now, that ain’t happening

Everyone has flaws and demons they battle

You’re not living life if you’re not

And what’s life without a few bumps along the way

Ignorance is bliss but you’ll never learn if you never live

Chorus:

The chaos in my head clears when you’re around

We’re better together than we are apart

We’ll always be broken but will get through life as one

One, two, three works for me

The three hearts in this bed soothes our savage souls

Some battles are harder to fight

While others are lifelong

We’ll tackle them as they come around

Just know you’re not alone

You’ve been drug through hell and back

Seen things no one should see

Forced to fight battles you had no say in

Your pain and suffering weren’t choices you made

They were ones made for you

Chorus:

The chaos in my head clears when you’re around

We’re better together than we are apart

We’ll always be broken but will get through life as one

One, two, three works for me

The three hearts in this bed soothes our savage souls

(Screamed)

Fuck. The. Haters (haters is drawn out)

Fuck. Them. All.

Fuck. The. Haters (haters is drawn out)

Fuck you for what you’ve done to me

The chaos will never be gone

But with both of you by my side I finally feel alive

Three hearts in one bed have settled this wayward soul

Love may not heal all, but your love is everything to me

Silent tears fell from Snipe’s eyes. Jason wrapped his arms around his seat from behind.

“I love you, Hayden.” It was rare Jason used our real names and in this case it only served to accentuate the love he intended for Snipe to feel.

I took Snipe’s hand in mine. “As do I.”

Jason sang along with the radio and took pics as we drove. His merriment lightened the mood and pushed away the uncomfortable silence.

“Hey, I know this song!” he shouted when Chaotic’s song “I Bleed Too” came on. Snipe and I were treated to a personal concert and we freaking loved it. Snipe was smiling again and air drumming along. These guys were my world, my everything.

We stopped for lunch in Battle Mountain, Nevada, and ended our day in McDermitt, Nevada. Always amazed how worn out the body was after a long day of traveling versus a day packed full of drills. Just don’t tell Fizzbo that or he’d double time our next session.

“Today was eight hours, tomorrow is ten and I’d like to get an early start. Time to get dinner and some shut eye.”

“What constitutes early to you?” Jason asked.

“Want to be on the road by five am.”

“Dude, it’s like midnight now.” His complaints fell on deaf ears and the look I gave him said as much.

“You can sleep in the back seat while I drive and just for the record, it’s eight thirty.”

“Awe, is wittle Jason whining?” Snipe teased him. I loved that his playful side had returned.

“I’m a night owl.”

“Great, night owl. Tomorrow night when we’re in the final leg of driving you can take over while I catch some shut eye.”

“Deal.”

We checked into the hotel and I double-checked the truck bed cover was locked then we walked across the lot to a local joint the hotel recommended. Talk about sticking out like a sore thumb. As soon as we stepped inside, all eyes were on us.

“Take a seat where you want and I’ll be right with you,” the bartender told us. As soon as the patrons looked their fill and sized us up, they returned to their drinks.

My gaze ran through the crowd, as was my usual way and quickly perceived no threats. Sikes and I could take the lot of them if need be, but they appeared to have no use for us, which was how I preferred it.

“Menu’s basic bar food, fellas. Burgers, wings, fries, that sort of thing. What can I get you to drink?”

We each ordered burgers and beers then she wandered behind the bar to fill our drinks.

“Reminds me of some of the dives we played in the early years. Don’t miss that in the least. Having empty beer bottles hurled at the stage was no bueno .” Jason shook his head. “But we’ve all got to start somewhere.”

“True, but the idea of anyone throwing anything at you sets me off.” Snipe’s eyes hadn’t settled since we stepped foot inside. Our training had us automatically selecting the table that sat farthest away from the door with both our backs to the walls. No one was getting anywhere near Jason that set off our version of red flags.

I just had to remind myself we were almost home.

Home.

That simple word now encompassed far more than a place to lay our heads.