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I mmy sucked in a breath.

There was a part of her that wondered if she was dreaming. Maybe she’d been knocked unconscious.

But if she wasn’t dreaming . . .

“I couldn’t imagine being happy without you . . . without either of you.” She glanced over at Tobias, then back to Jenner. “Why did you never tell me how you felt?”

“Because I’m completely fucked in the head.”

That was not what she’d been expecting Jenner to say. “What?”

Another humorless chuckle. “Turns out, my father really messed me up. Not that it’s entirely his fault .

. . but I . . . I tried my hardest to see you as someone innocent, as my sister.

You were untouchable and I had to remember that .

. . because touching you would be wrong. I couldn’t defile you.”

“Defile me? What are you talking about?” she asked. He was making no sense.

“Remember how I used to sneak into your bedroom at night at the Camp?”

“Yes, of course. You said that your father hurt you. I wish I’d known that back then, although sometimes I’d hear you grunt in pain. I guess I was too scared to ask you what was going on in case you didn’t want to tell me.”

“There was nothing you could’ve done, baby,” he told her. “And you’re right, I probably wouldn’t have told you.”

“Oh, I could have thought of something,” she said in a dark voice. “I would have found something to do to that asshole.”

“Then I’m glad you didn’t know,” he told her firmly. “Because the last thing I would’ve wanted was you getting caught and punished.”

“I can’t believe he hit you. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I wish I could have protected you.” She felt terrible that she hadn’t even known. Had she been too self-involved to notice the pain he was going through?

“Hey, listen to me.” He cupped the side of her face, turning it toward him. “None of what happened to me is on you.”

“I’m your friend. I never want you to hurt,” she told him.

“And I feel the same about you,” Jenner told her. “And it fucking guts me that I’m the one who has hurt you. I hate that I have caused you pain. I don’t even fucking deserve you.”

“Don’t say that. You do deserve me.”

“I don’t, baby. But I’m trying to make it so I do. Which is why I’ve been going back to therapy.”

“You have been? How did I not know that?” she asked.

“I haven’t told anyone but Sampson. He spoke to me a while ago about the way I was treating you. Therapy is making me realize exactly how screwed up I am.” He sat on the side of the bed facing her and Tobias did the same on her other side.

“I don’t think you’re allowed to call yourself screwed up,” she told him.

“Don’t care,” he replied. “It’s what I am. My father, God. What a fucking piece of work. I was never strong enough, smart enough, tough enough. He always told me I was too sensitive, too weak. He would want me to do these things . . . things that weren’t right.”

“Like what?” she asked.

“Like helping him punish members of the cult that had been disobedient. If a man broke the rules, then he’d often punish their wife or daughter.”

“How?” Tobias asked in a tight voice.

“He’d hurt them physically. Break a finger or toe. Worse if they’d done something really bad. When I refused to help him, then he’d punish me as well. He used to tell me how I would never measure up to Sampson. He was the golden child.”

“Did Sampson ever help him?” Tobias asked.

“No, not that I know of. I think he was slightly scared of Sampson. From an early age, Sampson was a big guy and he was protective. He wouldn’t have been able to help our father hurt others.”

“But you couldn’t either,” Tobias pointed out.

“No, but I was weak. Scrawny. I couldn’t fight back physically, I had to just take the beatings he dished out when I refused to help him.

I swore to myself that if we ever got free of the cult, I’d get myself into a position where no one could hurt me again.

Where none of us would ever be reliant on anyone else. ”

“And you did that,” Immy said.

“Yeah. But . . . shit. It has never been enough, you know?”

“No. What do you mean?” she asked, confused.

“When we left the cult we had nothing. Our parents relied on charity and I hated it. I wanted better for all of us. I hated all of us being separated. And then we all moved into that house together. Remember it?”

“Yeah, I loved that place,” she said.

Jenner blinked, giving her a shocked look. “What do you mean, you loved it? That place was shit. There was mold growing inside. It was so damp and cold and in a terrible area of town. We wouldn’t even let you walk around outside on your own. And you were always getting sick.”

“Yeah, that part wasn’t much fun,” she said, turning to look at Tobias. “The mold was terrible. It would get into my lungs and I’d get bronchitis or pneumonia.”

“I needed to get us out of there. Get you out of there,” Jenner said. “It wasn’t safe for you there. I can’t believe you liked it.”

“I didn’t like being ill all the time,” she told him. “But I liked the fact that we all spent a lot of time together. I got to take care of you all. I got to see you all every day. Now, I don’t see any of you that much.” Shoot, she shouldn’t have said that. “Sorry.”

“Immy, you don’t have to apologize every time you say something that you think will upset me,” Jenner told her.

“I don’t like to upset you, though.” She didn’t like upsetting people, but especially the two of them.

“Yeah? You don’t worry when you put slime in my shoes, or fake dog puke in my bed, do you?” Jenner asked.

“That’s different.”

“Why? Because your Little does those things?” Jenner guessed. “And your Little doesn’t feel bad about creating mischief?”

“I don’t think I want to reply to that.” But it wasn’t something she’d actually considered. Did her Little play those pranks?

Maybe.

And was that why she didn’t feel guilty when she did those things?

Also, maybe.

Every other time that she’d say or do something she then regretted, she’d feel so bad. But maybe in Little headspace, she didn’t feel so guilty.

“All I wanted was to get us out of there,” Jenner told her.

“To make us secure. To ensure that no one could ever have control over us again. I figured that to do that, I needed money. So I started to do whatever I could to push my career. Recording songs, doing gigs. When things started to take off and we moved, I thought I might have felt better. But the pressure mounted. Everyone’s jobs except for Isaiah’s, Maeve’s, and Cat’s depended on me being successful, on me staying successful.

I wanted to ensure that you all had what you needed.

So I had to make myself more famous, earn more money.

I needed to feel in control, not of all of you, but of the world. And to be in control, you need money.”

“Oh, Jenner. Why did you never tell us any of this?” she asked, horrified by all the worry and stress he’d taken on his shoulders.

“I couldn’t. I know you guys would have tried to reassure me, but I felt like everything was my burden to bear.

That’s why I hired Lauren. I thought she could take my career to the next level, so we’d never have to worry about anything again.

And she did, but it took me away from you all the time and I hated that.

Christ, if I’d known that she was actively trying to keep us apart . . . ”

“I wish we’d known how stressed you were,” she told him. “So you were trying to grow your career so we’d all be secure, so you felt more in control of the world around us.”

“Yeah, but . . . there’s more. I wish that was it, but it’s not. And this part is worse. My father wasn’t just abusing me physically.”

“What do you mean?” she whispered.

She tried to sit up, letting out a small moan of pain.

Jenner grasped hold of her shoulder. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to sit up,” she pointed out grouchily. Shoot. Why did she sound like such a grump? That wasn’t her. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to sound grouchy.”

“You’re entitled to be a bit grouchy,” Tobias told her gruffly. “And you don’t have to apologize.”

“Yes, but if you want to sit up, this bed is one of those electric ones. Here, let me do it.” Jenner hit a button so she could slowly sit.

Okay, she had to admit that was easier than trying to sit.

“That better, baby?” Jenner asked.

“Yes, thanks.”

“I don’t know if I should tell you all of this. You need to rest. I’m surprised the nurse hasn’t been in to kick us out.”

“No!” she cried. “I don’t want either of you to leave.”

“You don’t want us to leave, then we won’t,” Tobias told her.

“But they’ll make you.”

Tobias just smiled. “Like to see them try.”

Uh-oh.

That sounded ominous. The last thing they needed was for Tobias to get arrested.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure we can figure it out,” Jenner told her.

“Tell me, Jenner. Please,” she begged.

“My father used to boast about how you were going to be his next wife.”

She tensed, then groaned as pain shot through her. They really needed to give her better drugs.

Mind you, they probably didn’t expect her to get news like she’d just gotten.

She certainly hadn’t expected Jenner to say that.

“Shit. Fuck. I knew I should have waited,” Jenner said. Standing, he hovered over her. “Shall I get the nurse? Tobias?”

“I’ll get her,” Tobias said, moving toward the door.

“No, wait!” she cried. “I’m all right. I just . . . need a moment.”

“You need more painkillers,” Jenner told her firmly.

“I don’t . . . I’m fine. Just give me a moment.” She stayed still and tried to relax, just breathing in and out slowly. “Tell me what you mean.”

“He planned to take you as his next wife. Or that’s what he told me. I think it was to get a reaction, I’m not sure it was actually true. But he seemed to figure out how much you meant to me. And he used you to control me.”

“Oh God.” Now she felt really ill. And it had nothing to do with her injuries. “Jenner . . .”