Page 21 of Heartbreak Hockey

But the scavenger hunt for him only delayed the moment when I’d have to admit what I already knew.

He was gone.

His jacket wasn’t where I’d tossed it because it was on him floating around wherever he went. Home, I guess.

I found the note on my kitchen counter, where I would have mixed the batter for pancakes as he sat across the marbled countertops from me, squirming on his sore ass and telling me more about himself.

What a load of nonsense I’d conjured up, and for what? A pretty face and a nice ass? I didn’t know a thing about him.

I almost didn’t read the note, but curiosity got the best of me.

Mercy,

I have a confession. I kinda know who you are and I’ve kinda had a crush on you for forever—since it was probably illegal for me to have a crush on you.

I wanted to bring it up all night, but the timing never seemed right. It wasn’t supposed to be a secret, just something I was super embarrassed about admitting to. Did you know you have a hockey card? You do and I have it.

Okay, that’s enough mortification for me.

I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. I found myself wanting to stay, but I couldn’t stay and the more I wanted to stay it became imperative that I leave.

And maybe, well, could you stay away from the pub? That’s a big ask, I know, but I can’t see you.

Thanks for the most amazing night I’ve ever had. It’ll be with me for a long time.

Jack.

(Trouble)

And that’s when I knew how all the men I’ve ever dated felt. Because it wasn’t even that I didn’t want them, I just didn’t want them enough.

Jack wanted me too, but not enough.

It drove home—once again—the most important reason I don’t even fantasize about getting involved with someone. Because while it’s true that I hate hurting men when I inevitably am forced into choosing, I have more experience with being left—abandoned—than I’ll ever need.

I wasn’t enough for Mom to choose me over wherever the hell she fucked off to instead. I’d get up and wait by the damn window every night for a year after she left, thinking that any minute she’d come strutting up the driveway after realizing she’d missed us too damn much.

She didn’t.

Well, I wasn’t going to watch out the window every night for Jack to come back. Fuck him. I took a lighter from the kitchen drawer and let his bullshit goodbye turn to ash along with any stupid ideas I had of keeping him.

* * *

The offer was too good to refuse. Itwasnepotism at its finest, but I’m no saint and my family needed the money so fuck it and bring on the nepotism. I’ll get a fully-furnished condo in one of the buildings Eddie’s parents own in Kelowna. Extended medical and dental, which I could add everyone in the family to. The annual wage had six zeros in it, which is double the norm for an American league coach and I only had to work the season for it. I’ll get a fancy car—goodbye dad van—and I’ll be staying in the best hotels when I’m on the road with the team.

The contract was signed and sealed quickly. Eddie didn’t want to give me the chance to change my mind. All that was left was the goodbye.

Breaking the news to everyone went over like a bag of rocks chucked straight into a stained-glass window. Bea convinced me to tell everyone over dinner at her and Trish’s place.

When we were seated at the long bench table outside, plates piled high with ribs, coleslaw, and mashed potatoes, I sat up taller andding-dingedmy wine glass with a fork. Ari’s eyes were already glassing with tears—didn’t help little brother—and tension blanketed the table. The only help I got was Bea’s encouraging smile.

The baby announcement had already spread through the family and as usual, the little ones were excited for a new sibling and the younger two of the three teens were annoyed, knowing they’d be pitching in when we needed them. No one stays overly annoyed in our family—not about that—and they’ll get over it by the time the baby arrives and protect that babe with the same ferocity they do everyone else.

“We have some family business to take care of,” I began.

I stared at their faces with no idea where to begin even after having planned my speech for days. It’s the norm for them to look to me for guidance, even Bea, even Dad. Every word I say has weight. I try not to think about it most of the time or I won’t say anything, but in that moment, it was all I could think about. Fucking up was not an option.

“Bryce, you’ve been promoted to family elder.”