Page 79 of Healing Conviction
“Pix, fuck.” His arms surrounded her, and she felt a warm tear trail down her cheek. “What happened wasn’t because ofyou.”
“Iknowthat, but I didn’t believe it then.” She shuddered into his shirt, muffling her words. “I’ve felt so guilty, Drake. I thought you were gonna die because of me. Ihurtso much inside, but everyone else needed me, so I pushed it down. My hair, my eyes… it felt like the only way I could express myself, I guess. This”—she tugged her hair and waved her hands at her eyes— “my hair and eyes are actually natural now. Actually, my hair is from a box, but it’s the same color, just a little faded. I used to wear colored contacts. Violet ones, actually. Don’t get me wrong, I like my natural hair and eyes. But once I left home, I loved how wild I could be, the different people I could pretend to be. Being differentwasme. But I guess somewhere along the way, I stopped letting people see underneath too.”
“You became the chameleon.”
She nodded. “I’m the happy-go-lucky girl with wild hair, an owl purse, and nonprescription glasses over colored contacts. I love to take care of people, and I love to make people smile. But it becomes a shield at some point. I can hide behind what I really feel. Because when you give people your feelings, you give them the reins. They can use you, manipulate you, control you—”
“—hurt you. Like the people in your past.”
“Yes. Yes, exactly.”
He sat for a minute before speaking again and the pain in his voice nearly broke her all over again. “Do you think I’ll hurt you?”
She breathed deeply. “I nearly fell apart over you once and I didn’t even know you. Turning into the shell of a person who basically lived for everyone else. Now that I do? I’m afraid I’ll lose myself in you entirely, just to make you happy. And that might hurt me more than anything.”
“Nora, you don’t trust me by now to call you out on that shit? Is all this why you don’t give in to your feelings? Why you ignore them?”
She nodded. “I was the mood moderator. I still am. It’s a role I’ve always had. It’s always been easier to deal with other people’s dreams and hopes and moods than my own. Growing up with my mom. Everything was my fault. I learned to walk on eggshells and that anticipating and fending off other people’s moods was easier than sharing mine. And whenever Ididshare mine, they were invalidated. I felt like I didn’t matter. Same thing withhim, but with him it was worse because I let it happen.”
“You were thirteen, Pix.”
She gave a sad smile. “I know. But I still feel responsible. That nothingness he made me into, I don’t think it ever went away. You make me feel…more, for the first time. Like I’m something someone wants to know. And that’s terrifying. It makes me afraid that one day I won’t be enough. You, Drake… you are the only one who sees me. You see all of me. What if all of me isn’t enough for you?”
He held her face in his hands and bore his stormy ocean eyes into hers. “You’re right. All of you will never be enough.” Her heart seized until he shook his head. “Not because I want morefromyou, but because I’ll never get enoughofyou. Do you understand?”
She bit her upper lip, trying hard to think of how she could explain it to him. “I think… I think you could tell me that forever, and I’m afraid I’d still never believe it.”
He sighed. “I don’t know how to convince you, Pix.” He swiped his hand through his hair. “You and Matt. You said last night that you never slept with him.”
She frowned at the change of topic but nodded. “We only made out, like once. And it was after…”
“After what?”
“After he told me you wouldn’t wake up again.”
“Shit. He took advantage of you?” Drake’s hands were tight on her waist, but she shook her head.
“No, he didn’t. He’d been flirting with me for months, he’d been transferred to your unit and he was someone I felt I could talk to when I was tired of you not talking back. I couldn’t have been more forceful with the friend zoning, but it felt good to have someone who didn’t have a ton of other major shit going on. At the time, Ellie was recovering from her trauma, Jules was pregnant, and I was helping survivors day in and day out. It didn’t feel right to… right to complain, but he listened.”
“Yeah, until his tongue was down your fucking throat.”
She waved her hand at him with a smirk. “Come on Drake, don’t be so PB and jelly. I’ve actually had sex with you. It was just kissing with Matt. Basically a fling, and one I immediately regretted.”
Instead of relaxing like she thought he would, Drake tensed. “But youkissedhim.”
She nodded slowly, not sure what he was getting at. “Yeah… but I’veslept, like literally and sexually, with you.”
“Yeah, but you’ve never kissed me.” She stilled and the wind in the leaves was the only sound around them as she waited, not sure what to say. “If Matt was a fling you regret, then what the fuck am I?” Her mouth opened and shut and she searched in her mind for what to say, averting her eyes, but he gently pulled her face back to him. “AmInothing?”
She gasped at the question. “No. Of course not.” Being nothing was one of her worst fears, she absolutely didn’t want Draco to feel that way.
“Then what am I? Tell me, Pix. Because I don’t think I’ll be able to handle just being a fling—”
“You’re not a fling… and… and that’s the problem.”
“What’s that mean?” She wanted to answer, desperately. But the words never came out. He dropped his hand from her face and shook his head.
“See, I wouldn’t have hesitated, baby.” She rolled her lips inward, silently cursing herself. “I wouldn’t have hesitated because it’s easy for me to say that you’reeverythingto me, Pix. I love you. I think I have since the first time you made me laugh.”