Page 32 of Hastings (Brothers in Arms #15)
CHAPTER 32
“A nd do I make your heart sing?” Hastings demanded as he reached them and grabbed Maddy, dragging her into his arms. He bent her over slightly, holding one arm captive behind her back and it made her heart race in anticipation.
“You make it roar,” she told him. She reached up with her free hand and grabbed his lapel and pulled him down and kissed him.
The kiss was as good as she remembered. She did want Hastings, a shameful thing she’d only admitted to herself as she’d watched him and Stephen yesterday, and now, after their encounter this afternoon, she just wanted him more. He’d fascinated her from the start, like a caged beast, and she’d reacted as she always had to powerful men, with a knee to the groin and an instinctual avoidance. But he kept coming back and she couldn’t get away from him until she hadn’t wanted to. She’d watched him transform under Stephen’s regard and she wanted that, she wanted to be a part of it, of Stephen’s warm regard and the transformation he could ignite. She wanted to be transformed. And she had been.
She trusted Hastings and Stephen in a way she’d never trusted anyone. She knew they’d protect her, not just her life, but her secrets and her fears and even her weaknesses. She could be weak with them and not worry they’d take advantage of her. She could admire flowers in the garden and read books and they wouldn’t mock her. She could confess how much she wanted them, and they wouldn’t hurt her or take advantage. It was freeing, the idea that she could be herself and not have to pretend to be something else, something someone else had created because she wasn’t good enough. Here, with them, she was good enough.
Stephen stepped up behind her and freed her arm from Hastings’s grip. He softly held her hand as he slid their arms around Hastings’s waist and then he kissed her neck. She whimpered and Hastings broke the kiss, breathing heavily.
“Christ, yes,” he said, his voice sounding like he had rocks in his throat. “Are you sure?” he asked, and Maddy wasn’t sure if he was asking her or Stephen.
“Yes,” she said. “Yes. Please.”
“Stephen?” he asked.
“Oh, yes,” Stephen said, and he did sound sure, no more hesitation as there’d been a few minutes ago. What had changed? Was it what she said?
“Why?” Hastings asked, and she knew he was wondering the same things she was.
“Because I was lying to myself that I could live without it,” Stephen said. “I’ve been torturing myself for weeks over my attraction and growing feelings for you both. For a long time I’ve been, first and foremost, a man of the church. And I couldn’t reconcile those feelings, my desires, with that man. The thing is, I’ve been telling you both I’m a man first, not a saint, yet I was still treating myself like I had to be one. A saint, I mean. And that isn’t true. I’ve counseled others on their desires, assured them it was natural and right and good, and I wasn’t allowing myself the same leniency. I was determined to be the man that everyone else wanted me to be, a paragon of virtue who had to be protected—from the harsh realities of life, of desire, of emotions—that I forgot to simply be myself. To accept myself.” He rested his forehead against the side of Maddy’s head. “I want this. I want you both. This is who I am.”
“That’s exactly how I feel,” Maddy whispered. “I was so worried about being that thing other people were demanding—a lady, whatever that means. But I’m also a woman, and I need this in a way I’ve never let myself need something before. I feel like you two know me better than anyone ever has, and isn’t that odd, us having just met and all? But you want me . You want Maddy, and that thrills and excites me and also scares the hell out of me, the freedom of it. The freedom to tell you I want you.” I love you.
“You’re both daft,” Hastings said. “I knew who you both were from the start. And Maddy, I’ve already admitted I didn’t trust you at first.”
“You shouldn’t have,” she told him honestly. “I’m a villain, Hastings. As much as Stephen’s been a saint, I’ve been the very devil.” It felt so bloody good to admit that. Someday she’d tell them how very awful she’d been. That she’d gone from picking pockets as a child to killing for Davy Bales and Bleecker when they demanded it.
Before she’d even finished speaking Hastings was shaking his head. “No, you’re not. I am. And you’d both best remember it. As wonderful as this is, it’s still a fantasy. There is not a happy ending here for us.” He let them go, pushing their arms from around his waist. “I need you both to acknowledge that before we go any further. I’ll not do this under false pretenses.”
Maddy wasn’t about to let this slip through her fingers. Not when she knew he was speaking the truth. “I know,” she said softly.
“I know you think that,” Stephen said. “I know you both do.”
Hastings gave Stephen a skeptical look. “That’s not exactly what I asked for.”
“You’ve asked for a lot of things,” Stephen said, snuggling Maddy into his body, rubbing his cheek in her hair and kissing her neck. Maddy watched Hastings react to it, his cheeks growing flushed as he frowned.
She reached out a hand and put it on the bare chest exposed by his open shirt.
“You are both trying to distract me,” Hastings said. He put his hand over hers and stepped in close to her again. “And I’m going to let you.”
Stephen huffed a laugh against her neck. “I thought you might,” he murmured. He slid his hands up and cupped Maddy’s breasts, and she gasped at how good it felt. He began to knead them, that firm touch she’d taught him in the garden, and it felt like a flame inside her was growing hotter and stronger.
“I’ve been with a woman once in my life,” Stephen whispered in her ear. “It was a dismal failure, if I’m being honest, and there was no warmth or intimacy to it. So, someone better tell me what to do.” The knowledge that she would be the first woman he would take to bed as a real lover, the first to learn the secrets of him and the first to share hers with him, made every touch more exciting.
Hastings stepped into her, pressing himself against her so that she felt his erection on her stomach through her clothes. Then he grabbed the side of Stephen’s head even as he slid his hand around Maddy and cupped her bottom, holding her to him.
“Telling you what to do is one of my favorite things,” Hastings growled, and then he kissed Stephen, and Maddy thought she’d faint from the rush of desire that went straight from her head to her sex.