Page 24 of Hastings (Brothers in Arms #15)
CHAPTER 24
M adelyn had gone to bed suspiciously early, with a lingering glance at Stephen, who blushed and wouldn’t meet anyone’s eyes. Hastings knew immediately they had plans for later. He sat in the parlor as dusk turned to dark contemplating Stephen reading a book and wondering when he ought to make his move, before Stephen and Madelyn had their little secret rendezvous or after. If he did it before, well then, he’d get his first, wouldn’t he? And that was a nice thought. But he’d just be warming him up for Madelyn, wouldn’t he? And if he waited until after, well, he wouldn’t know how long a wait that might be, but Stephen would be hot and bothered and ready for more, if he was like Hastings.
Never having planned the seduction of a man, Hastings was in relatively new territory. Honestly, he’d never had to work at seducing anyone before. His type was fast women who knew what they wanted and if he gave the go-ahead the game was on. He wondered if Madelyn was that type. With other women, Hastings usually just showed up, pounced on them and the rest came naturally. Madelyn didn’t seem the pouncing kind, although she hadn’t seemed to mind Stephen’s abrupt kiss today.
As far as Stephen went, well, an inexperienced country parson was out of Hastings’s depth. And Stephen was inexperienced, no matter what he’d said this afternoon about being with a woman. Hastings’s guess was it was some camp follower during the war, which was quite a long time ago. Stephen had revealed a little of what he liked in the maze and with Madelyn. Very little up-front work before getting down to business. Don’t think, don’t ask, just do, which was Hastings’s specialty. Most people made love the way they wanted to be made love to. Their first kiss in the maze had the same quality to it. It had just happened without premeditation on either of their parts. Of course, Hastings was doing some serious premeditation now, but Stephen wasn’t. At least not about Hastings.
His biggest worry was that if he pounced on Stephen now then he wouldn’t go to Madelyn after. Hastings had vowed, to himself at least, that he wouldn’t ruin it for her. So, the best way to make Stephen see that he could have them both was to let him go to Madelyn and then approach him after.
“Would you stop staring at me?” Stephen asked, not looking up from his book. “It’s unnerving.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” Stephen snapped his book closed and looked at his watch.
“Why is it making you nervous?” Hastings asked, wondering what time he was supposed to meet Madelyn. It was only half past ten. That seemed early.
“Because people staring at me makes me nervous.” Stephen sounded exasperated. “It either indicates that something is wrong with me, or something is wrong with them, and neither is pleasant.”
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.” Hastings grinned at Stephen’s suspicious look.
“Then what’s wrong with you?” he asked.
“I was wondering if I should kiss you now or wait until after your secret rendezvous with Madelyn.” There . Hastings had hit on the correct plan. Let Stephen go to Madelyn, but make sure he’s thinking about Hastings, too. He was impressed with his own brilliance.
“Whether you should kiss me now ?” Stephen asked, shock in his voice. “You have hardly paid a moment’s attention to me since the maze, and now you want to kiss me?” He stood up and put his book down on the seat and then faced Hastings. “We should talk about what happened earlier today. Is this because I kissed Madelyn? Some sort of jealous retribution? If you don’t want me, I can’t have anyone? Or are you trying to make me forget her because you want her?”
“Me? I don’t want her. Well, not like you do.”
Stephen laughed at his denial. “Yes, you keep telling yourself that, but it is patently obvious to anyone else.”
“How? How is it obvious?”
“The way you look at her, the way you’ve begun trying to take care of her, like at supper tonight.”
“It’s my job to take care of her,” he argued.
“Not like that.” Stephen tipped his head to the side and regarded him as if he were trying to solve a puzzle. “Can’t you tell the difference? Or do you always worry about whether the people you’re guarding are eating enough?”
“It’s my job to protect her.” His argument sounded weak to his own ears.
“Yes, but it’s not your job to make her happy, is it? And that’s what you’ve been trying to do. Reading books with her, making sure she eats enough, letting me kiss her. You don’t even argue with her anymore. Not a single protest to my having an assignation with her later.” Stephen walked over to stand in front of him. “Is this attraction to me simply a reaction, a denial, of your attraction to her?”
“No,” Hastings said firmly. “I wasn’t sleeping naked in your bed every night before she came here because I was preemptively denying her when I didn’t know she existed. And I am not jealous of her.”
“You were drunk.” Stephen sighed and started to turn away. “It’s all right, Hastings. Really it is. If you just give your feelings for her a chance, you will make her happy.”
Hastings grabbed his arm and turned him back around. “ You make her happy,” he told him. “I can see it in her face every time she looks at you. And you at her. If you want her, I want her for you.” He let go of him and took a step back. “It’s better for you. Better than me.” He looked away. “Look, part of my job, protecting her, you probably aren’t going to like me much afterward.” He met Stephen’s gaze. “I’m going to have to kill somebody. There’s only one reason Sir Barnabas sends someone to me and doesn’t tell me not to kill anyone. And that’s because he knows there’s someone who needs killing.”
“You can’t know that.” Stephen grabbed his forearms and shook him. “You can’t know that will happen.”
“Yes, I can.” And Hastings did know. He’d been dancing around it in his head for weeks. “And I have to find out who. I have to interrogate her and dig all her secrets out, and she’s going to hate it. She’s going to hate me. And she might even hate you because you’re going to let me. So, I let her have the last few weeks. I let her have you. She deserves it because I can tell that she’s had a rough go of it, and I understand that. I understand wanting the fantasy of you and this place. But neither of us can have it. Not for long anyway. Don’t you see?”
Stephen cupped Hastings’s face in his hands. “I’m not a fantasy. I’m a man. How many times must I tell you that?”
“The two don’t cancel each other out,” Hastings told him. “I know you’re a man. I’ve never wanted a man like I want you. And frankly I don’t understand it. You are the very antithesis of me. Everything about you is soft and kind and good and I am not, nor have I ever been, any of those things.” He shook his head, but Stephen didn’t let go. “You make me want impossible things.”
Stephen wrapped his arms around Hastings then, and pulled his head down as he moved even closer, pressing their bodies together from chest to toes. “Now I want to kiss you ,” he whispered. “And just so you know, nothing is impossible.”