Page 44

KELLER

“You’re lost in thought tonight,” Alana says.

It’s been two months since we started seeing each other again.

We’re on my couch after a night of having dinner since today was a cause for celebration.

That was Alana’s doing entirely, after I was released for light duty today.

My girl is beside me, and it’s been a great couple of months. And Jace is with my parents tonight.

“Yeah, we should talk.” Alana’s body locks up at those words. God, son of a bitch, I’m being struck down for saying those words together, but I have a sister, so I know what those words coming out of my mouth can mean coming from some men.

“Okay.” She lifts her body rather quickly. Her head was on my lap, my fingers gliding through her hair as we watched a cooking show on the television.

“Fuck, not like that, never like that, okay?” I resituate us so she’s straddling my lap and I’m cupping her cheeks so she can see the truth in my eyes.

“Well, you kind of can’t blame a girl, though.” She still has a look of worry on her face.

“No, I can’t, not when I haven’t verbalized where I see this going between the two of us.

Before I do that, though, I need to let you in on my past. The reason I was so closed off in the first place, well, it’s mine and Jace’s.

Shit that still comes up at night for Jace, too.

” I watch as her body softens and a look of concern and empathy takes over.

“What do you mean? Is he okay?” How I ever thought Alana was just another woman, I have no idea.

“He is now. It wasn’t always that way. I’m not proud of the man I was when his mom was pregnant.

We were off and on, trying to make it work, hating each other in the process.

I lost a big part of myself along the way, buried myself in work.

You know that about me already.” I take a breath before getting to the heart of the problem, fucking worried this is a major deal breaker in Alana’s eyes.

“Okay, that’s normal. I mean, we haven’t really touched on my past, but my parents were never together. My grandparents practically raised me, you know that.” Alana’s grandparents are a hoot. You can tell how much they love her and pretty much took Jace as their own, too.

“I know that. I haven’t told you the worst of it.” Her hands go to my shirt, moving it out of the way, so her fingers find skin, soothing me with her touches.

“Then tell me so I can understand. I’m not going anywhere, promise.”

“Here it goes. The last time I saw Anna, Jace’s mom, she was hell-bent on coming after me with a kitchen knife during one fight too many over her not eating enough for Jace.

Shit, Alana, when she told me she was pregnant with Jace, it was the happiest time of my life and the shittiest all in one, knowing there was no way I was in love with her.

I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet.

Anna was ready to get an abortion if we didn’t have a relationship.

There’s no way I wanted that. God, I loved that boy before I met him, so I tried.

It clearly didn’t work, and when I got the call that she was in the hospital,”—that day hits like it was yesterday—“I walked into that hospital, told the labor and delivery team who I was, and the doctor took me to the side. Christ, she was delivering Jace early, so I figured that was the issue, knowing she was only thirty-four weeks, but when he told me she tested positive for cocaine, I was knocked on my ass. And she was doing it off and on throughout her pregnancy. I had no idea, Alana, none. If I had known, my ass would have stayed with her, not let her do that shit until Jace was born. So, instead of our boy being this happy and healthy still coming early boy, he was born addicted to cocaine.” I drop my head, needing a fucking minute to just breathe.

“Keller, look at me, sweetheart, please.” Alana’s hands leave my waist and move to the back of my head.

I slowly pull my head back up. “That says nothing horrible about you, not at all. I know to the marrow of my bones that if you’d known, you would have done anything in your power to help Anna.

It says everything about her that she would endanger your sweet little boy.

God, he’s not even mine, and I would be protective to every depth of my being.

What happened is not on you. It’s not your fault. ”

“Yeah, sometimes, it’s hard not to carry the burden, so before Jace was even born, my parents, siblings, everyone was there.

I stepped out, called the family attorney, and had him draw up two sets of papers.

One was her giving me temporary custody while I put her through rehab, the other was for her to sign over custody, giving her a lump sum in the process.

You can guess which one she chose. Cut me to the core.

Anna went with option two, hours after Jace was born, didn’t even look at him, didn’t hold him.

All she wanted was drugs. I found out after she signed the papers that she voluntarily checked herself out against doctors’ orders, and she’s been gone ever since.

That’s why I was such a dick. I knew in the back of my head that not all women are like Anna, but I somehow lumped them all together just the same.

I’m sorry, Alana, so damn sorry.” This woman, she doesn’t say a word, but she doesn’t have to either.

Instead, she wraps me up in her arms, buries her face in my throat, and lets me breathe her presence in, and it’s exactly what I need after getting everything off my chest.