Page 39 of Habibi: Always and Forever

He was so out of it he didn’t even ask any questions when Eian patted him on the shoulder then went right into our bedroom and sat by the cribs.

He let me guide him down the stairs, give him a thermos full of coffee, then pack him up in warm clothes so we could go out with Oscar and Tony.

Connor is already awake and waiting for us by the sidewalk, so I guess Eian called him? But I don’t focus on him besides nodding his way—and I make a mental note to thank him later for the early wake up—I just get right into it with Teddy.

“Look, I know you love MP, and you’re proud of what you’ve built, as you should be. You love creating your delicious masterpieces, but I just want us to talk so I can be sure you went back to work so early because of the right reasons.”

“I told you—” he starts, but he’s looking ahead at Oscar who’s pulling on his leash like always, and Tony is only egging him on—another menace.

“I know what you told me.” I interrupt him with an easy tone.

“But I want you to remember that I know you, that you’re the man of my dreams, and that I’ve had this feeling in my gut that what you said isn’t all there is to it.

I just want you to talk to me, look me in the eyes and tell me getting the bakery ready for when you do take time off is all there is to it, or tell me what’s been bothering you. .. if there is something.”

I leave it at that when we reach the edge of the little park we like to bring the boys to, and wrap an arm around his shoulders, letting him think things through until he can tell me whatever is on his mind.

It takes him a long time. Long enough for us to do two laps around the park until we find a bench and our boys lie down by our feet happily enough. Oscar sits closer than normal to Tony, trying to steal some of his warmth I bet, and I just keep holding Teddy, hoping he’ll unburden himself.

“I’m worried,” he finally whispers.

“About what?” I ask, just as quietly.

“That I’m going to somehow transfer my worries to them.” That confession hits me right in the heart.

I hate that he thinks he has to shield our children from himself.

“Teddy,” I murmur, not knowing right now what to say except... “You’re a great Dad.” Yeah, it’s only been two weeks, but he’s been locked in since the third trimester of the pregnancy and has been so excited. He doesn’t look excited or happy now, and that breaks my heart.

“I don’t want them to feel how worried I am all the time,” he says, and this time I can hear the fear in his voice.

“They say babies can tell if you’re calm, right?

That they can feel your emotions. I don’t want them to learn to fear, not until they have to, but right now.

.. They’re so little, Mike.” His breath catches and he turns to me, finally, and buries his face against my chest.

I hold him while he lets it all out.

“All parents worry, Teddy,” I murmur, leaning down so my mouth is right by his ear.

“That’s just a fact of life. Sure, you worry more than most people, because you have anxiety, but that doesn’t mean you can transfer it to them.

” I don’t think telling him his feelings are irrational will help right now.

It does in other situations, but not right now.

“But I can tell you those boys love you already. They’re always so happy and calm when you’re around.

They always fall right asleep in your arms, Teddy.

That means they feel safe with you, doesn’t it? ”

“I guess,” he grumbles. “I just don’t want to fuck them up.”

Well then... I guess it’s time to be more rational.

“First of all, you’re not fucked up, so you can’t fuck them up by being around them, Theo.

” I don’t use his nickname so he knows I’m dead serious, and I know I’ve succeeded when he straightens up quickly.

His eyes meet mine, and though there are still tears in them, there’s also a new focus that tells me he’s really listening.

“You and I also know that just being around your kids doesn’t make you a parent, right?

” I ask pointedly. His father was around way less than his mother and he only has contact with one of them for a reason.

“But what matters is that you love them, you show them your love, and you are there . Always. No one can love them like you do, not even me, because we’re different, but we’re their dads, and they deserve to have us both there for them.

I’m not telling you this to slap at you for going back to work, because that really isn’t something I would ever begrudge you.

Our jobs are important to both of us. But I think you want to have more time with them right now, and that’s why I’m bringing this up. ”

“I do want that.”

I relax significantly at his words, and he lays his head on my shoulder then. I know there’s more he wants to say, so again, I give him time.

“I feel like shit now, though.”

I thought that might happen because I know him, but still I ask.

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to be okay being away from them,” he whispers.

“I know you did, but I don’t think that happens easily or just because you decide it.

And you also wanted it to keep them safe.

The thoughts that led you to that weren’t rational, but you still had good intentions, so there’s nothing to feel shitty about.

” I turn my head and kiss the top of his head. “There’s nothing shitty about you.”

He scoffs and shakes his head.

“I freak out every second day and I’ve been acting like an asshole to our sons, Mike. Some day you’re going to get sick of gently reminding me of what the reality is, and I can’t blame you.”

It hurts that he doesn’t have the ironclad faith in my love that I have in his, and I need to think of ways to show him how devoted I am to him, but what hurts more is how certain he sounds.

So I pull my arm away and stand, just to fall down on my knees in front of him.

The concrete is wet and cold, but all I care about is Teddy’s bright eyes shining on me like two sad little beacons.

“Theodore Harrison Crawford. You are the most amazing man and father. I’m sad that you think there’s anything about you to get tired of, but I know I can’t really do much to change that.

All I can do is show you every day that you’re the only person who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Besides Mac and Harry of course. I want to grow old with you and have us shouting at each other in sixty years because we can’t hear shit anymore.

I want us to experience every stage of our sons’ lives together.

I want to be the one who reassures you and reminds you what logic is.

I want that privilege, and I want you. Always. ”

“God, Mike,” he sobs.

“Nothing about your anxiety is your fault. It’s Mary’s fault,” I remind him, I hate to speak his mother’s name, but I need him to remember.

“She’s the one who made your life a living hell, but you survived , Teddy.

You and that beautiful brain of yours figured out a way to keep going.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, especially not something you can’t really change from one day to the next.

You go to therapy and you have ups and downs like everyone else.

But you still do the work. And I think it’s part of my work to pull you in when you drift away.

I love that work, Teddy. Don’t you ever think I don’t.

I love that I’m the one who knows you best, and I love that you lean on me and trust me. I love you.”

I take a deep breath and release it slowly, while Teddy swipes at his eyes and running nose. I don’t like seeing him cry, ever, but I know sometimes it’s necessary.

“So I’m asking you, Teddy. Will you let me be your anchor?

Will you have faith that I’m there to catch you every time you stumble?

I will cheer you on when you walk confidently beside me, and I’ll be forever worshipping your baking.

And I’ll tell you I adore you every day for the rest of my life, or at least I’ll try. ”

“You don’t h-have to te-tell me every d-day,” he stutters, and I beam at him and lean in to kiss his wet cheek. “You’re perfect even when you’re not perfect, Mike,” he says softly. “But yes, I’ll do my best to stop beating myself up for leaning on you. And I like that anchor metaphor.”

“I thought it was a good one too,” I tease him softly.

He reaches up to cup my cheek.

“Let’s go home to our boys,” he murmurs, and this time he’s the one kissing me.

“Let’s,” I agree, and I stand then pull him to his feet. “Maybe we can convince Eian to make something for us,” I quip, and Teddy laughs at that, clearly mocking my hopeful tone.

“We have a better shot of growing wings on our way back home.”

That might be true, but dreaming never hurt anyone.

“Maybe we can get him to babysit for a few hours so we can sleep in.”

“Oh, yes.” He’s excited now, and I can see it in his eyes and his wide smile.

I take his hand and we begin our way back.

“And I should call Ria to let her know I’m going to take my parental leave after all.”

“All right, Teddy.”

I lean down and kiss his cheek. The surprised smile I get in return is better than oxygen and blood. It really is what gives me life.

* * *

R ead Mike and Theo’s standalone story here: You Started It