Page 38 of Habibi: Always and Forever

MIKE & THEO AS PARENTS

THEO

L ooking down at Mac, who’s sleeping peacefully in my arms, I’m filled with love and dread. Though the love does outweigh the dread by a long shot, it’s still there.

Always there.

A sigh leaves me. I can’t help it.

If there’s one thing I’m sure of now that I’ve met him and Harry, it’s that I will do whatever I can—and I know I’m able to do almost anything—to make sure they never feel any dread in their lives.

I know a lot of things are inevitable.

Loss, heartbreak, disappointment, embarrassment... all those nasty things that are ultimately somewhat useful to make us into better humans—at least most of us.

But dread... no.

Never.

With Mike by my side, I know these boys have the potential to grow up to be the bravest people I’ve ever known, just like their other dad.

I’ve only known them for twenty damn minutes, but I know I would adopt some of my ruthless uncle’s traits for them.

I would move heaven and earth for them...

I would?—

“They’re perfect,” Mike whispers with tears in his eyes.

“They are,” I agree easily. “They look like you.” I have to smile up at him. His blush is also perfect.

We didn’t know which of us was the one who’d biologically fathered them, and if it wasn’t so blatantly obvious, I doubt either of us would even care to mention it, but seeing these two little humans who look exactly like the baby pictures Mike’s mom has shown us, I can’t help but be relieved.

I don’t really feel the need to keep my bloodline going—though I know my sister Iris does, so she’ll take care of it—and I know neither does Mike, but I’m still happier than I’ve been since the day I married my cuddly giant.

Even with the damned dread.

And speaking of, there comes a knock at the door.

“Can I come in?” I hear Dad’s voice and love him even more now for some reason.

“Yes,” Mike calls out, his voice full of emotion because he knows what’s about to happen. “When other people cry, I cry, Teddy,” he told me when we settled on the names and had a talk about when to tell Dad.

Now the time’s here, and it dawns on me.

If this is what Dad felt when I was born and he held me for the first time, then I can’t imagine the hell he’s been through, being unable to beat my demons back for me because of the truth I wouldn’t let him see.

I don’t know what to do with this feeling, so many feelings in fact, but when he opens the door and I see him, it doesn’t matter.

I don’t have to deal with anything right now. Nothing but what’s in front of me.

“Come in and meet your grandsons, Grandpa,” I say, my voice betraying the tears that are about to spill.

“Harry,” Mike says, full-on sobbing, but he gets the words out. “Meet Harry.”

It takes Dad a moment, a full three seconds, but when it dawns on him, a breath catches in his throat as he looks up at Mike.

Then he only has eyes for his namesake, and the first Crawford of his generation—that kind of thing is important to Dad, I know, so I let him have his moment while Iris comes over to me.

She doesn’t even look at me, her attention only on our other son.

“And who are you, precious angel?” she coos and holds out a finger to Mac’s hand.

“He’s Mac,” I tell her softly, and we both watch in wonder when Mac closes his tiny little fingers around her big one.

“He’s strong,” she says in a watery chuckle.

He already is... and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure he never forgets it.

* * *

MIKE

I have never in my life been this tired and this awake at the same time.

I’ve had amazing days before, and life-changing, miracle-filled nights—I’ve won Super Bowls, I found Teddy again and found a way to make him fall in love with me, and I got married... but this, how can I describe it?

How can I still stand?

How can I even blink at this point?

How is it that I still can’t fucking sleep?

It’s only been twelve hours since I met Mac and Harry and I am beyond enthralled by them.

Every miniscule movement, every tiny whimper is enough to keep my eyes open.

I should definitely be sleeping.

Teddy is sleeping, and I know I have so many sleepless nights ahead of me, but one more couldn’t hurt, right?

* * *

W rong.

So, so wrong.

I whimper the same way my sons did the night after they were born, and push myself to keep walking to the elevator of our brownstone by sheer will—I can’t bother taking the two flights of stairs down to the kitchen to get some coffee.

Actually, we should just bring the coffee machine up here, or buy another one. .. that’s an idea.

I get hit by three hundred pound men for a living for fuck’s sake. I almost fucking died in the middle of a field when I was tackled from all sides at the same time, and I can say with so much certainty , that was easier than taking care of two newborn babies.

Babies who have no issues peeing on you, puking on you, or shitting so impressively that it runs up their backs.

That wouldn’t even be a problem if they could at least see the humor in it. I’m pretty sure I’d give a kidney to hear them laugh for the first time, but my little dudes are just two weeks old—they do not find any of it funny.

They’re a bit demanding, those two, and I can’t say I blame them.

But fuck, they’re cute.

I just spent an hour changing, feeding, dressing, and putting them to sleep, and though I was so tired already, I couldn’t look away for fifteen minutes while they slept in their cribs.

Impressively, Teddy didn’t stir once after I assured him I had it under control.

I see the clock on the microwave when I step into the kitchen, and realize he has to go to work in less than an hour.

It’s going to be his second day back, and I still think he should take more time off—for him, not for me—but since he’s going to be taking the brunt of it during the season, he said he wants to make sure the bakery is ready for his new working hours come this fall.

I get that, of course, but that’s six months away... He has time. And I saw how much being away from Mac and Harry affected him when he got home yesterday.

I start the coffee machine and think about how to broach the subject.

My Teddy loves his bakery—maybe as much as I do, not sure yet. His treats are literal gifts from the gods, and he makes people happy every day with his delicious creations.

Not only is he an amazing pastry chef, but he also really loves it. It brings him a kind of peace that nothing else does, but I don’t really believe that’s why he’s going back to work so soon.

I think he’s... hell, I don’t even want to think it.

I hate that he can be so hard on himself, but knowing that even if I’m wrong and he does want to go back to work, I need us to have a conversation about it—a serious one—to be able to put the matter to rest.

And to be able to do that, we need time...

Now, it’s four in the damn morning, I’m wide fucking awake, and Teddy should be getting up soon, so I go ahead and make myself a cup of coffee, and then make a call.

“What?” He spits out the word as soon as he answers, but he doesn’t sound grumpy so I think he’s just worried about us—like always.

“Do you wanna come babysit for an hour or so?” I ask without preamble.

Teddy’s uncle likes me, I know this, but he doesn’t love my special brand of humor, especially not this late... or early, whatever.

“Really?” he asks, and the honest boyish delight in his voice baffles me.

His moods turn on a dime, but I’m glad he’s never mean to us.

And he hadn’t been able to visit us in the hospital at all because... well, the whole secret uncle who’s a mob boss thing.

Though I suppose he’s only a second uncle? Do those even exist? Is it uncle once removed since he’s Harrison’s cousin?

I don’t fucking know and frankly don’t care.

Harrison has told us he and Eian grew up together, almost like brothers, and so Iris and Teddy treat him like their uncle and that’s that.

But back to the thing... He couldn’t go to the hospital to meet Mac and Harry because we definitely don’t need anyone finding out we’re family—that’s a decades-old secret that could fuck up a lot of people’s lives.

In any case, he hasn’t been able to visit with the boys as much as he clearly wants to if his demands for pictures are anything to go by, but it’s still dark out, and he has a way of moving through the city completely undetected, so why not ask then take Teddy out for a walk with our boys?

Our other boys. Our dogs, our first children... I reach for my coffee. I need more of that.

“Yeah, come over as soon as you can.” He hangs up without another word.

Definitely more coffee.

* * *

“N o, you can’t scare him,” I whisper urgently at Eian as he walks right by me and up the stairs.

I rush around them and get on the elevator.

It’s stupid but it will get me up to our room faster.

The man is a menace, I swear.

He’s turning his head from side to side when the doors open on the second floor.

“Where are they? Where’s Theo?” I guess it’s a good thing he doesn’t have the layout plans for our home...

“They’re all in the same room.” I put myself in front of him, and though I’m more than a head taller than he is, I still make myself bigger.

He’s not gonna intimidate me right now. “If you scare Teddy, he’s gonna scream and wake them up, and if you do that, it’s gonna piss me off.

And since I know you didn’t bring any of your damn guns with you into my home, we both know I can take you in a fight, so calm the fuck down, let me go in there and wake Teddy up, and then you can go in too. ”

“You’re no fun,” he grumbles, but he takes a tiny step back in acceptance.

“I’m always fun, you just don’t appreciate me,” I quip and turn my nose up before heading into the bedroom.

* * *

T eddy was confused as hell, naturally.

His alarm hadn’t gone off and he couldn’t even remember when the babies woke up a while ago, so it took some coaxing to get him out of bed, but I managed.