Page 9 of Grand Master

The constant tapping at his phone made me want to snatch it and hurl it against the wall.

“Darius?” I forced a small laugh that sounded like I was choking since my throat was still dry from my nap.

“You mad at me or something?” I cocked my head to the side.

Usually, he would at least try to act like he wanted to engage with me, tonight he was cold as ice.

“Not now, Mira.” He waved his hand in the air like I was a fly annoyingly buzzing around in his face.

I felt the painful sting behind my eyes; I blinked it away fast, not wanting to cry before work.

I turned away from him with a heavy feeling in my chest, as I stripped down to nothing.

Once I was under the water, I let it sting my scalp first then run down my back with my head bowed in defeat.

I hated how I felt, it became an everyday thing.

I felt robotic, same schedule, routine, and sadness coursing through me.

I desperately wanted something to change, starting with my relationship with Darius.

He was the one that got me out of my depression and made me feel like something again.

He was changing, and I tried to understand that sometimes we as imperfect humans change and go through things that we don’t open up about until it’s too late.

I wanted to be understanding and work through the change that had taken place in my relationship with Darius.

“What can I do to make you fall in love with me again?” I asked loud enough over the shower, for him to hear me.

I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down the drain along with the water that beat against my skin.

His silence pressed at my chest until I thought I’d collapse in the shower.

I played my own voice back in my head, and realized that it sounded small, and pathetic as fuck.

I hated how I sounded, hated that I even asked but deep down I needed to know.

I wanted to change whatever I could to get the old Darius back.

I had begged him enough to love me the way that I needed. I opened every wound for him, let him kiss my scars and make me empty promises that I believed would come true. I let him in, and he ended up tearing through the sane parts of me.

The water drowned out the response that I desperately wanted to hear from him. I could still feel his eyes on his phone and not on me since I entered the bathroom. I pressed my forehead to the cold tile and sobbed lowly.

Minutes later I got myself together and in check. I picked up my head and scrubbed myself until my skin felt raw. Once I rinsed off, I stepped out of the shower and snatched the towel from the rack to dry off. Darius locked his phone and stretched his long legs in front of him.

“I’m not in love with you any more Mira.” He studied my face to get my reaction, but I had none.

On the inside, I wanted to drop down to my knees and cry until I fell asleep. I felt what he just said for over a year now. It was something about hearing the words out loud that pained me worse.

“I know that, but I love you. I asked what I could do to change that so we can work through this together and get back to the old us. I can quit playing the violin at the club after tonight. It’s Friday and I could make enough in tips to cover the rent for us.

After I quit, we need to re do our spending budget until we figure something out financially ? —”

“Mira…you are a good woman. I think the mistake I made was feeling sorry for you then wanting to fuck you, when we first met. I understand that I was your first, and that your feelings are stronger for me. I just don’t want to be here anymore, and I hate to hurt you but it’s going to come out sooner than later… ” He swallowed down then stood.

I cringed watching him pathetically grab tissue to wipe his ass.

I looked away not wanting to see the shit on the tissue paper, next I’d witness him probably not wash his filthy hands after digging in his ass.

I could feel it in my soul that he planned on crushing me right where I stood.

I planted my feet against the tile floor to prepare myself for whatever he was getting ready to say to me.

Just like I thought, he flushed the toilet and didn’t even turn to the sink to wash his hands.

“I have twin girls on the way.” Darius stated proudly.

“I’ve been in love with Tylaniah for two years now. I want to marry her; I even start my career in a month and will be moving to Victorville. She bought a house out there for the both of us. I can’t keep making her ? —”

“What?” I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked my eyes rapidly at him in disbelief.

He was talking fast; I needed him to slow it down. Maybe I was hearing him wrong.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you correctly.” My left eye twitched as I cleared my throat.

“You heard me, this has been going on for years now. After the first year, her and I got more serious. She has more life to her; she’s also in good shape and don’t work her ass off every hour of the day so she has the time to spend with me. She makes me feel ? —”

“Like a fucking man? Is that what you wanted to say? Cause you’re not one! Actually… You’re far from a man.” I frowned in disbelief.

“I really love you, even now. I still love you. I’m crushed Darius and somewhere deep inside of me is trying to find some resolution for our relationship.

I have to forgive you, and I will. You should have forgiven me before you cheated on me.

You never thought about why I worked so much and didn’t have the time?

” I laughed out in disbelief, feeling like all of what I’ve been doing was for nothing.

“You never were man enough to pick up more hours at your good paying job so we wouldn’t be in a hell hole of financial debt! You hit me with this ? —”

“Mira—”

“Shut the fuck up!” I snapped balling my fists at my sides.

I no longer cared about holding the towel to cover myself either.

It dropped to the floor as I glared at Darius.

It’s crazy how you refuse to see all of the imperfections to a person you fell for.

Now, I saw it all. While Darius was handsome with nutmeg smooth skin, he appeared so fucking ugly right now.

“You should have forgiven me for gaining weight under stress, although when you met me, I was close to the same size! Forgive me for being a so-called ride or die! I didn’t want to be put out on the streets since you hardly paid your part of the rent, in which I never complained about because I never wanted to make you feel less than.

I forgave you for no longer making me feel secure as your woman.

The flowers stopped, I forgave, the intimacy, the love, and compliments that made me feel good.

I forgave it all.” My voice cracked as my tears fell down rapidly.

“I even forgave you in the beginning, right after you took my virginity…. After watching so much porn, I realized that your dick is small as hell, and you would probably never be able to reach my spot.” I chuckled bitterly.

“You see, Darius? I forgave so much with you, while remaining loyal and loving you. There were so many things that I disliked but didn’t complain about, especially if it couldn’t be helped.

Yet, I can’t get the same fucking decency.

I’ll hurt from this and may never get over it…

At the end of the day…this shit got to end.

I still have to go to work, to make enough tips to cover the rent.

While you go play in some pregnant bitch face and plan out your future with. Fuck you.” I spat out.

I walked out of the bathroom with my head held high, it felt so heavy, including my heart, but there was no point in breaking down in front of him again.

What would I do? Beg him? Begging wouldn’t get rid of the baby that him and some other woman created.

This was just another hard pill to swallow that life forced down my throat.

My vision blurred, my heart slammed in my chest so hard it hurt.

I refused to sit with this pain tonight.

I stood in the middle of my room conflicted, then my body moved before my mind could argue.

I walked over to our small walk-in closet then shut it softly behind me.

I knelt on the soft carpet and reached behind a stack of old shoe boxes that I never wore.

My fingers trembled impatiently as I pulled the smaller Nike shoe box from the back of the closet against the wall.

Reaching inside of the dirty sneaker, I sighed out of relief when I found the small, taped-up pouch that I kept just in case I got to the point of what I felt now.

Anxiety, overwhelmed with life, and needing an escape.

I stared at it like it was a loaded gun.

Maybe to others it was, but right now, it felt like salvation and the cure for what I was currently feeling.

“You shouldn’t even do it.” I whispered to myself.

On a day-to-day basis, all I had was me.

I talked to myself out loud shamelessly because I had to be my own voice of reasoning.

Although I told myself I shouldn’t, my hands already opened the baggie full of powder, pure cocaine powder that wasn’t cut.

I could only get it from the Eastside like I’ve been doing for years now.

It was my first love, the scent of it was nostalgic for me.

I hadn’t touched it in months, fought like hell against it because deep down I knew my mom would be disappointed in me.

I couldn’t help that it was the only thing that made me feel good in a life full of sadness.

I moved quickly, reached back into the Nike box and pulled out a magazine.

I wanted a couple of long thick lines to snort up tonight before the club.

I had extra baggies inside of the left shoe as well.

Mentally, I already planned to take the extra bag because I would need extra bumps of it all night long to keep my insides numb while I played.

I dumped the entire small baggie of powder out on top of the magazine then quickly got up to lock the closet door.

“Fuck! My stomach won’t stop hurting.” Darius shouted from outside the bathroom which meant he was standing in our room heading back inside to shit again.

He must have eaten milk and cookies knowing it messes up his stomach, I thought to myself in disgust. I settled back on the floor in front of the magazine and grabbed an old dollar bill and an old credit card that I kept inside of the worn Nike box.

Quickly I created thick long lines of powder then rolled up the dollar bill precisely.

I leaned in, careful not to exhale and blow the substance away.

With the dollar bill halfway inside of my nose, I pressed down on my right nostril and sniffed deeply.

The rush hit me before I could take on the second line.

I sat up for a couple of seconds, took some of the powder and rubbed it back in forth on my lower gums then leaned back in for the second and third line.

I tilted my head back and swallowed down the taste that I grown addicted too.

My mouth went numb as I looked up at the ceiling with a satisfied smirk covering my face. My pain dulled. The sharp edge of betrayal got softer, and the best part about it was my tears stopped as my body started to hum.

“Fuck his bitch ass.” I said louder than what I should have but didn’t give a damn.

The void that Darius was trying to force upon me didn’t feel like it was swallowing me whole anymore.

For the moment, I didn’t feel like the woman who got played by a man who had twins on the way.

I wasn’t the woman made of trauma since thirteen, heartbreak, and loneliness. I didn’t feel like anything, just air.

I waited for that unstoppable feeling to come.

The feeling where I felt like a bad bitch that Darius should have felt blessed to have.

I went into the other shoe and made sure to get the extra baggie that I would take bumps of on the way to work to prevent my mental from crashing whenever I came down from the high, I currently felt in the moment.

I made sure to put everything back with perfect precision and left back out of the closet.

I dressed for the club while Darius pussy ass stayed tucked in the bathroom. As I grabbed my violin case, he came out of the bathroom not even looking my way.

“Fucking coward.” I mumbled loud enough for him to hear me.

I put on my hoodie and walked out of the house. I no longer felt tired, ready, and in desperate need of more sleep. It felt like I could conquer the world without pain.

“The only good thing I got is my violin… I can still make something sound beautiful even if everything else feels ugly inside and around me.”