Page 81 of Goode Vibrations
“Totally. Completely, and in every way.” I laughed, a soft huff. “It didn’t start out that way, though. We’re very much alike in that, in how we use and approach sex. So that’s where it started, where it went for us, just naturally.”
“So what changed?”
“We got to a point very quickly where it was obvious to both of us that it wasn’t just physical. But neither of us knew how to open up. How to let anyone in.”
“That’s hard to do.”
“Very. So we went separate ways. In Dubuque, Wisconsin.”
She covered her face. “I can’t believe I let youandTorie hitchhike across the entire continent. I’m a horrible mother.”
“You’re not. We’re adults, Mom. What were you going to do? Ground us?”
“Went and got you, that’s what I should’ve done.”
“And you think I would’ve allowed it? You think Torie would’ve?”
Mom laughed ruefully. “No, I suppose not.” She eyed me. “But you’re only eighteen, not even nineteen yet. Legally an adult, but…still so young. So much could have gone wrong.”
“I survived New York City alone at sixteen, Mom.”
Another head shake. “Don’t remind me. I feel like a bad mom as it is.”
“Stop, for real. I’m here. I’m fine. Torie’s fine.”
“No, she’s not. She misses Rhys.” A sigh. “I was hoping that would work out for her. He was a wonderful young man.”
“It still may. And I think this is good for her, from what I’ve gathered in talking to her.”
“True.” She laughed and patted my leg. “We’re off topic. Errol. And how is he different?”
“We agreed to not have sex for a while. So we can figure out how to have a relationship thatisn’tpredicated on sex.”
Mom nodded, making a surprised face. “Wow. Okay.” A long, meaningful look. “And? How’s it going?”
I cackled. “Fucking hard as hell, that’s how. You said nothing is TMI, but I think all you really need to know is that we’re…definitelycompatible in that department. A littletoocompatible, maybe. Which makes this that much harder. But it’s for the best. I’ve learned to be vulnerable. We’ve talked about Dad and how his dying affected me, and all of us. We’ve talked about everything, honestly, big and small and in between. It’s funny how much there is to talk about when sex is off the table.”
“It can confuse things, that’s for sure.” She stared out the oval window at the dark clouds beneath, a thunderstorm below us crackling with bursts of lightning. “That was a very complicated thing, for Lucas and me.”
My impulse was to gag and make jokes, but this was a side of Mom I’d never seen—Mom as a woman, not just Mom. “Yeah?”
She nodded. “Oh yes, very. It was complicated enough for me as it was. Your father and I…um…things had been…difficult, even before his death.”
“You said nothing under the rug, Mom.”
She nodded. “I did.” A pause. “He wasn’t healthy, for one thing, and that made things difficult. But our relationship was…”
“He may have been present, as in he didn’t move away, but he left us all the same, Mom.”
She nodded. “Exactly. And that includes me, his wife. Romantically, sexually, he just…gave up. Which left me in a very confused place until I moved here. And that was when I met Lucas, and I felt so confused about being attracted to him.”
“Like a betrayal of Dad, even though Dad had given up on youandhad died?”
A nod. “Yeah, exactly. Knowing something logically doesn’t make it any easier, emotionally. So, it took time to let myself…feel things.” She smiled at me. “This is where things might be TMI, but I made the rule, so…here goes. Lucas made me feel things I’d never felt, Poppy. Not with your father, not ever. And that was extra confusing, because I was with Darren my whole adult life. I thought I understood myself, sexually. Turns out, I didn’t. Lucas showed me things about myself that…well, that make me feel more myself and more alive than ever before.”
“You do seem happier than I’ve ever known you.”
“You know why?”