Page 86 of Goode to Be Bad
“Why are you naked?”
He grinned. “Well, I only been skinny-dipping once before, and it was at night in a lake and I was a kid. There ain’t nobody for a couple hundred miles, and I figured hell, why not? It’s fun. Freeing.”
“So why am I wearing a bikini?”
He shrugged. “Wanted to provide you with some options.”
He glanced over his shoulder. “Here we are.”
“Where?” All I could see was a patch of ocean just like the rest of it. The island in the distance, the hut a little closer, and not a thing else anywhere.
He quit swimming and somehow was resting on…a sandbank, shallow enough that we could sit on it and be up to our waist in water. “Came out here earlier, just to hang out while you were sleepin’. Peaceful out here.”
I slid off him and sat in the water. Stared around me at the utterly serene setting. “Thank you,” I said.
“For what?”
“Taking care of me. Bringing me here.” I swallowed hard, choking up. “For…for being you.”
He brushed at my cheek. “I won’t say it, because I don’t want to freak you out. But…I care about you.”
That didn’t help my mixed-up emotional state; made it way worse—because I had only one possible response. “I…it’s selfish. But…I wouldn’t mind if you…if you told me how you feel.”
“Why’s it selfish?”
I stared out at the water rather than at him. “Because I…I can’t give you that back. I just don’t know how, Myles. I want to. I swear to god, I do. But I don’t know fuckinghow.”
He nodded. “Well. You don’t have to know how. We can figure that out. That’s why we’re here, Lex, to figure things out.” He pivoted, brought me so I was sitting between his knees. “I love you, Alexandra.”
Tears. A lot of them. “I hate crying. I never cry.”
“Why?”
“Because it…it doesn’t do anything. Makes things worse.”
“There’s a reason.”
I nodded. “It’s…tied up with everything else.”
He was quiet a long, long time. He reached out, slowly untied the neck of my suit top. “Doing this so you can feel true freedom, not as a sexual advance. Just so you know.” The back of it. The sides of the suit bottoms. Plucked both pieces off me and let them float away. “Tide’ll bring ’em to the shore, and we’ll get ’em later.”
It was freeing. Exhilarating.
I couldn’t help but grin. “I’ll be right back.”
I kicked off the sandbank and swam around. It was the best feeling in the world—like nothing else. I’d been skinny-dipping—in lakes, private pools, hotel pools; my personality was all about being a daredevil, an exhibitionist. But this was different. No one to impress or be caught by, just me and Myles and the seagulls. The seagulls didn’t care, and Myles was in love with me.
I swam back to him. Let my legs dangle in the deeper water with my upper torso on the sandbank. “Is there a difference between loving me and being in love?”
He tilted his head; let his eyes rake over my body. Nodded after a minute. “Being in love can be temporary. I can say I was in love with Britt Aubrey. We both knew that was nothing but a fling, but there were feelings. I coulda seen myself with her. But it was physical. She was gorgeous and we were both young people with the world at our feet and careers to conquer. It was a rush, wild and fun. But not much more. It’d have faded. Excitement over her body would have eventually gone away, lust for her with it. When that’s gone, what’s left?”
I hated the sound of that. “So what’s that mean for me? You’re gonna get bored of me?”
He shook his head slowly. “No, Lex. Yes, your body is far and away better than hers. But even you will age. Someday you’ll be past your prime and getting old. So will I. And what’s left then is what matters.” He splashed water idly. “I knowyou, Lex. Your soul. Your mind. More than just your body, more than just your humor or your flirty nature or your incessant need for sex. I know that you’re afraid. That you’re hurt. I know that under the bold girl with the big brass balls is someone sweet and kind and tender and even shy. I know you love performing more than anything, but you don’t think you can have it, that you’re good enough, that you deserve the attention. I know you have things you’re literallydyingto not be secret anymore. But you’re too afraid to trust me. Because you’ve been hurt, bad. Somebody fucked you up, Lex. I see it. I don’t need the story to know that. I know you need me to prove to you again and again that I’m here, and that I ain’t goin’ fuckin’ nowhere. No matter what.”
“You didn’t answer the question.” I kicked gently, floating. “If attraction fades, if physical desire fades, what’s left?”
“That’s the difference between loving you and being in love. We ain’t had sex in, what, two weeks? For folks like us who have hyperactive sex drives, that’s alongfuckin’ time. And it’s taught me a hell of a lot about how I feel about you. Because what’s left, in terms of my feelings for you, without sex, is raw emotion. And the drive todoand tobethat’s more than feelings. Because even feelings ain’t enough. To hear my dad tell it, he loved my mom somethin’ fierce. And she him. But she had demons, I guess, and couldn’t and wouldn’t wrestle ’em, or let Dad help her. Don’t know what it was, because Dad would only talk about Ma when he was lit, and he wasn’t often alone with me when he was like that. They loved each other, is my point. But it wasn’t enough. She ran off on us because she couldn’t handle it. Him, me, us, life, I don’t fuckin’ know. I just know pure emotional love wasn’t enough.”