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23

Luke

S ebastian and I skate side by side, making slow, lazy laps around the rink. Kids race one another, and parents watch from the sidelines, happy to have a reprieve from entertaining them for the day. When Alice first told me about the family skate event, I wasn’t super pleased about having to attend. Social gatherings aren’t necessarily my strong suit.

But so far, people have been friendly and given me space. None of the dads have approached to talk about my glory days, and I have to admit, the kids are pretty entertaining to watch.

“What’s Sierra up to today?” I ask my brother.

“She has book club.”

“All day?”

He shakes his head with a heavy sigh. “They make it an all day thing, man. They do games, make themed food, it’s a whole production.”

I snort but can totally picture Sierra eating that shit up. “Well, it was nice of you to still come. I appreciate it.”

He smiles at me, and in a flash, all I can see is our mother in his smile. She always smiled like that. Unabashed, with her entire face. Maybe it’s the charity gala tonight that’s bringing more memories of her to the surface.

“Of course,” Sebastian says. “It’s nice to see some of my boys here, too.” A few of Seb’s students and players are circling the ice as well, helping some of the younger kids along.

Alice waves as we pass her by. She and Jenna stopped over to say hi when we first arrived but have since been making the rounds and chatting with the attendees. Jenna has kept our interactions to a minimum since I made it clear that she was never going to get anything besides a professional relationship out of me. But she’s a good coach, and Alice respects her opinion, so we keep it cordial. Plus in these sorts of situations where we’re supposed to connect with the community, she’s a good representative.

“Hey, Coach!”

Both Seb and I turn our heads, but it’s a feminine voice, so instantly I know it’s one of my athletes. However, by the higher pitch, I know it’s not the one I find myself hearing in my head over and over.

I wave at Aubrey and signal for Seb to hold up. “Hey,” I answer as we pause by the boards. “Aubrey, this is my brother, Sebastian. Sebastian, this is Aubrey, our center on the first line.”

Sebastian extends his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

“Have a good Christmas?” I ask her.

“It was great,” she says as she fiddles with her long hair down her shoulder. “Kinda sucked to cut it short to come back for this, but I’m headed home as soon as the gala is done tonight.”

Kinda sucked to have the honor to be only one of two athletes chosen to be here? I bite my tongue, not engaging.

Especially not as Lennon walks up to the boards and stops beside Aubrey. Her hair falls in loose curls, and her hazel eyes instantly falter when she notices me.

“Hey,” Aubrey says and steps to the side to make more room for her. “Ready to go?”

Lennon nods and wrings her hands. Her nails are painted a deep crimson, and I don’t know why I’m suddenly noticing details like that.

Sebastian raises his brow at me, as if waiting for something.

“Seb, this is Lennon,” I say and clear my throat when the words sound garbled. “Lennon, this is my brother.”

“Ahh.” He grins and again offers her his hand. “It’s great to finally meet you. I wanted an introduction after the last game, but this one ushered us out before we could.”

Lennon winces and plays with the string of her Haulton sweatshirt. “It’s nice to meet you, as well. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be.” He jabs my side. “This one’s fault. You had an incredible game. You better not be letting him take all the credit for it.”

Lennon suppresses a grin and says, “Oh trust me, I’m not.”

Our last conversation flashes through my head like a nightmare. When she asked me if I was jealous, I don’t know what I was more angry at: the fact that she had the audacity to ask me that, or the fact that I am?

Was .

Was jealous.

Not anymore. I’ve smothered that stupid, stupid part of my brain over the last week we’ve spent apart for the holidays.

I can admit I was a dick to her in that moment, and by the hint of malice in her eye every time she looks at me, I know she’s still pissed. But that’s better than the way she was starting to look at me. It had to be shut down.

“You guys better get out and skate before Alice just sees you chatting away,” I tell the two of them. I don’t wait to see if they listen. Grabbing Seb’s arm, I push off the boards and continue with our laps.

We chat while we skate, and it feels good to spend some one-on-one time with him. We used to double date any chance we could when I was married, but since the incident and divorce, it’s rare to spend more than a dinner together every few months.

Sebastian spots a couple parents of kids from his team and excuses himself to go talk with them for a bit. I decide to take a break and sit on the bench, which we’ve kept blocked off to keep people from going in for the day.

The smell of ice as it’s carved up by blades is almost meditative as I lean back and observe. Gleeful shrieks and a few cries echo around the rink as kids chase each other or fall down and need their parents help getting back up.

Lennon whizzes by, a squealing little girl between her legs as they pick up speed. They both laugh and the little girl clings to Lennon’s hands with pink mittens. Lennon says something to her I don’t catch, but the little girl nods eagerly, and Lennon easily lifts her up and spins her around. Her dark hair flows in the air underneath her black beanie, and the little girl kicks her skates excitedly.

They both look so happy, so free, and I wonder what it’s like to feel that kind of joy without restraint. Everyone around here looks to be having the time of their lives, and there’s this odd sort of disconnect for me. I try to think back on the last time I ever felt truly happy, and all the memories that come forward are hockey related.

Have I always been so blinded by my love for the sport, that I never tried to find any sense of fun in any other aspects of my life? The realization is sort of…sad.

Lennon sets her down once more and continues on, making another few laps with the girl before her mom pulls her from the ice. But Lennon isn’t allowed even a moment to catch her breath before a little boy approaches her on wobbly legs. She kneels down to his level, talking to him for a moment, before she stands and takes his hand. Together, they make slow progress on the rink, but Lennon doesn’t show a hint of impatience.

She’s effortlessly connecting with the kids. No wonder Alice asked her to be one of the team representatives for the event. They flock to her and follow her around like little ducklings as she skates lap after lap, never stopping to take a break. It stirs something inside me I don’t want to acknowledge. Pricks at feelings I’m constantly burying in cement.

But it’s not just my own fucked up feelings for my athlete that the sight is stirring up. Seeing her with kids, seeing all the families here, it makes me think of what I almost had but gave up with Elle. She had been ready for a baby shortly after signing our marriage license. I get it. At that point, we had already been together for years.

But I wasn’t there. Mentally or physically. I know a lot of the guys in the league have families and make it work, but hockey was my first love. My number one priority. And even though Elle was content with being second to that, it still made me feel like shit. Add in a baby?

I didn’t want to put that burden on her, or myself.

There are very few things I regret in life, but wasting so many years of Elle’s life is one of them. The divorce, though? That was a mercy kill for her. And hopefully she’s come to understand that over the past few years.

I could still be married, maybe have a kid of my own with her, and we could be one of the families here at the skate. I would’ve traded in my car for an SUV, have a house instead of an apartment, and a wife instead of an ex.

But maybe I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Just like Lennon said.