Page 22 of Gideon’s Gratitude (Love in Mission City #5)

Chapter Nine

Gideon

S tupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Don’t call yourself stupid.

Yeah, whatever.

I’d never let the kids get away with using the word.

Especially directed at themselves, although directed at others was just as bad.

I detested the word. Everyone learned differently.

I’d never been formally diagnosed with a learning disorder, but through conversations with Leo—when he was first starting university and learning so much great stuff—I figured out my brain didn’t work the same way.

Language wasn’t my strength, but I did okay at math.

Certainly well enough to do my job at the docks.

When Melodie came home with us, I made a pledge to read to her every night. And I had. Without fail. Even when I was at my worst. Even when I was newly home from the hospital and nearly immobilized by the agony. Even then.

In the early years, the books were easy. Lots of pictures. Small words.

Recently the books had been getting harder. I’d read them ahead of time to make sure I understood and could pronounce each word. She was already reading some of the simple stories back to me, and I’d been encouraging her to read to Trevor. Those had been truly magical times.

Was she still reading every night? Leo was busy. If he didn’t do it, might the nanny? The woman’d been hired after I left, and I was not allowed any contact with her. I was completely shut out of my children’s lives.

Pain radiated in my chest. Not the dull ache I endured with my back muscles. Nor the sharp pain that shot through my spine. This agony was from within. Emotional manifested as physical.

A word I’d learned from a counselor at the pain clinic. Sometimes the pain really was all in my head.

Again, I turned my back to the spray and let the water pound on my shoulders.

Why the fuck did I break down? Yes, the upset over the kids was to be expected. Today’s visit had gone better than the previous few because of Archer’s quick thinking. The kids loved the effects.

Ask him to teach me.

It’d been an ice breaker. A way to make the kids laugh. And Leo hadn’t approved. But, hell, he didn’t approve of anything. Nothing I did was ever good enough.

I lathered my hair. I probably didn’t need to, and my shoulders would ache, but I wanted to make a good first impression on Kennedy.

And you want Archer to notice .

Something tells me I’ve already caught his attention.

Do you think?

The straight lawyer.

And yet…

There’d been a moment, as Archer touched my cheek, when something passed between the two of us. Something I struggled to put into words. Words—not my strong suit.

I was a man of action. Actions spoke louder than words, right? A man needed to be counted on to do the right thing.

What is the right thing?

I didn’t know. Certainly acting upon the attraction—the one-way attraction—was a recipe for disaster. I’d likely lose the only friend I had.

But—and this was a big but—what if I read the situation right? What if the big lawyer was attracted to me? Was bi or in the closet or pan or something else that didn’t preclude an intimate relationship with a man?

Would you even know what to do?

Uh…no. Twenty years in a relationship with the same person—my first and only, no less—left me with no major experience. No way to read another man’s intentions. No way to know if I could even respond.

It’s an erection. For fuck’s sake, what’s the big deal?

You know it is.

The accident hadn’t damaged me in that way, but my libido had taken a nose-dive and had yet to recover. Leo and I managed a few times, but between my pain and lack of interest, as well as Leo’s impatience, it hadn’t been fun. Not like it used to be.

More heartache. More pain .

We’d been good together. Fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. It’d been as natural as breathing.

I shut off the water and attempted to shut down those thoughts. I’m over Leo. I’m so over Leo. Even if he wants me back, which he never would do, I wouldn’t go.

Trust had been broken. On both sides. Repairs of that magnitude were impossible. Or at least in my estimation. Too many unforgivable things had been said.

On both sides.

I could own that. I’d lashed back when Leo’d gone after me. Had clawed back in the face of something so monumental as losing my family.

As I padded into my room, I contemplated. What did one wear to a counseling session? I had no fancy clothes. I owned one suit and hadn’t worn it since before the accident. Some fancy event Leo’d been expected to attend. I’d been out of place, but I’d tried to hold my own. Be an asset to Leo.

That suit would never fit today. Losing thirty pounds, mostly muscle, didn’t lend itself to looking good. Ill-fitting, at best. I owned one pair of khaki pants but faced the same dilemma. I owned a belt, but that’d only go so far.

Jeans and a button-down shirt. I could roll up the sleeves, and it’d been tight before, so hopefully wasn’t too big now.

What difference does it make?

If the woman didn’t judge me on my appearance, she’d have plenty more to pick from. My reaction to the accident, the night I wanted to forget, Leo booting me…so many low points, I’d lost count.

You can do this. I told Archer, so I could suck it up and tell Kennedy. I was strong enough for this, right?

Not likely .

But the prospect of seeing Melodie and Trevor lit something inside me. The need to connect. The need to see more of my children than just through a computer screen. A year. It’d been over a year since I’d held them in my arms.

Stretching to pull on the shirt set off twinges, but nothing unbearable. My jeans were a newer pair. Money I’d been loath to spend, but I needed clothes that fit. Wouldn’t do to have my pants drop and to moon the neighbors.

Okay, maybe it’d be okay with one neighbor. The man who kept coming back. The man I could fall for. The man who held me when all felt lost.

The man whose pupils had widened when we touched. Archer’s hand was soft. The hand of a man who worked with his mind, not his body. That touch soothed me. Even went so far as to heal part of my broken heart. My battered soul.

But for how long? Whatever Archer was hiding from, he’d be called back to the city eventually.

And yes, we were now neighbours, but that would be a weekend thing.

And the man would entertain his family or rich friends or lawyer buddies.

He’d forget all about the pathetic guy next door who couldn’t tie his boots without pain.

The man who had nothing to give.

Still, as I checked my reflection in the mirror, I hesitated.

I didn’t have time to shave. Hadn’t done so for several days.

I rubbed my hands through my scruff. Facial hair itched.

Which was why, despite the hassle, I shaved almost every day.

A way to prove to myself that I still breathed. That I still lived.

Archer was clean-shaven today and had just a hint of lingering shaving-foam smell. Not the same as Leo’s, thank God. That’d be too painful a reminder.

“We should get going.” Archer’s words carried from downstairs .

Showtime.

I tried to walk down the stairs with some enthusiasm, but clearly Archer saw right through me.

The man held my coat, and Lucky sat next to him, staring up adoringly.

“Does he know we’re going out?”

“He’s definitely hopeful.”

To my surprise, Archer held out the coat and helped me into it. An oddly intimate gesture, but one truly appreciated.

“I moved the SUV over here, so you shouldn’t get too wet.”

Only now did I notice his hair shone darker than usual. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I know. But I consider it self-preservation. The less time Lucky spends in the forest, the less forest in my car.” He scratched behind the dog’s ears. “And he’s taken care of. Let me put on my coat, and then we can go.”

Just like that. He’d taken care of everything.

I slipped into my boots with no laces while Archer tied his and put on his coat. We both donned hoods.

The rain was nearly torrential as we sprinted.

Archer held the door to the back seat for Lucky, who flew in.

Within moments, we two humans were loaded in as well.

“This is nuts.” Archer pushed his hood back and pressed the button to start his vehicle.

Ah, one of the fancier ones. I couldn’t fathom not using a key to start my car.

I’d been impressed when I bought a car with automatic locks, automatic brakes, and automatic windows.

No a/c, and the heating was questionable, but she ran, and that was all that mattered.

This SUV? A work of beauty. One I barely noted last night.

But we hadn’t been facing torrential rain. “Wait. ”

Archer cocked his head.

“I need to get Lucky’s harness. I’ll be right back.”

Lucky whined as I leapt out of the dry SUV and hustled over to my car.

I was quick to unhook the safety contraption and to move back to the SUV as fast as I could.

The dog eyed me as I hooked it up to the back seat belt and then allowed me to hook him into it.

Then I slid into the front seat, now quite soaked.

“I checked the weather forecast.” Archer glanced at me. “The meteorologist said we’re into another atmospheric river. I’d never heard of these things before the flood.”

The once-in-a-hundred-years flood that had destroyed so much of our beautiful province. Coupled with the yearly fire season. Now, the province burned or drowned for much of the year.

“Did they say when it’d end?”

“Tomorrow.” Archer peered through the windshield.

“Make sure to get back to your hotel as soon as you can.” Guilt beset me. “I mean, we don’t have as many trees fall when it’s just rain, but it happens.”

“I believe you promised me dinner.”

I hit my forehead with the heel of my hand.

Archer placed a gentle hand on my thigh before pulling it back to the steering wheel.

For safety.

Because otherwise, I would’ve held it in place. Would’ve wanted it to stay there forever.

“I put the ribs in the crock pot. I located a recipe in the stack and followed the instructions. ”