Page 36 of Ghost of a Chance

H is dad again. She understood why he hadn’t gone all into it at first. But as they had grown closer, he should have mentioned it. Victor knew it was a big deal to Paul at the time of his death. Hearing now that they had been trying to finish it for Jasper’s mom just reinforced that.

She had to separate her lover from the man she was working with. There was no time for hurt feelings. This could be a solid lead to unraveling whose spirit was trapped in the book.

“Tell me more about what exactly you were doing?” Pulling her notebook closer to her, she picked up her pen ready to jot it down. She thought better with pen and paper than she did on the keyboard.

She’d been ticked from the moment Victor had told her about Jasper and Paul. Mainly because he’d lied to her once more but also because she’d trusted him.

Letting him sleep in her freaking bed because he’d made her feel safe enough to invite him. Now she realized that she’d been played. Who knew what he really felt for her, if anything.

She’d tried to get over her own walls. He had his own.

He hadn’t bothered to hide them. But because of that sweet, sexy way of his she’d just sort of taken to him like she did Chewie.

She’d simplified him. He was complicated but he seemed to emote in big chunks so she’d thought… that he’d finally let it all out.

She had more baggage…well, that wasn’t fair. They hadn’t lived the same life and he was lugging stuff around too.

“It was sort of what we discussed the other day. Dad’s theory was in a fictional world, could it work there, but he hadn’t had time to really do much research before he died.”

Jasper’s voice was low, despondent almost. It took all of her hurt to keep her from reaching out and taking his hand. He needed her but she needed to get this sorted before she figured out what was going on with the two of them.

“As you know physics isn’t really my thing. But it was Paul’s. I asked him to help come up with a fictional way this could work so I could finish the story. He got into it and started looking over the notes my mom had sent,” he said. “I don’t always get it.”

“That’s not the only time you don’t comprehend,” she said, unable to keep herself on the task of just taking notes.

“You’re right.”

“Don’t agree with me, I’m still mad at you.”

“Fine, but I’m sorry I didn’t mention this before. When it comes to my dad…it’s hard because I want to just pretend that it’s cool that I’ve never known him, but I’m not. Mom will talk about him all the time but it’s not what I want to do. Not sure I’m explaining it right.”

Of course he was. Who could resist the longing and sadness in his voice? Not her. She hadn’t been kidding about still being mad. She was petty enough to want to hold on to it longer.

“You’re explaining it fine. I get it. Truly I do but this is important and it gives us another link to Paul, which is helpful.”

He rubbed the back of his neck like he did when he got tense.

She hated that she was softening. Had been since the moment he’d mentioned his dad.

If there was one thing she understood better than most it was how a missing person could take up more of your life than the people who were in it every day.

For her there were questions that she’d never asked her mom. Hadn’t wanted to hurt her mom by even bringing it up. Mistakenly she’d thought that maybe it was easier for Jasper because his dad had died.

Dillon Henson had left her because he didn’t want to be a father, Jasper Cotton senior hadn’t had a choice. In her mind it had seemed clearer…simpler. But when emotions were involved nothing was that simple.

“I’m not…” She wanted to say she wasn’t mad but she was. “I get why you didn’t want to talk about him. We have had a lot of talks about ourselves and you never brought this up.”

That was it. The real reason for her anger. She got that she had walls. But she had let him in. She thought he’d recognize that when she’d invited him to sleep in her bed. Why hadn’t he?

“I’m sorry. You are right to be mad. What does it say about me that I didn’t even feel bad about keeping it to myself until Victor told you… It should have been me.”

“It says you’re human.” She did that too. She hadn’t mentioned that her psychic talent wasn’t really a thing and Aza hadn’t really cleared it up. Kirsty felt like she was back to square one with that.

“Thanks. I had wondered about that.”

She gave him the smile she knew he wanted but inside everything was tight. Her heart was beating steadily but there was a sense of panic in her stomach. Like she’d let him in and she shouldn’t have.

One-night stands had been her gold standard for relationships until him. Something that had felt like growth until now. The hurt lashing her heart made her doubt it.

She hated that. Hated it enough to cut herself out of his life. Go back to being people who’d slept together and had a puzzle to finish solving. That was it.

Except her fingers still longed to touch him. Her eyes lingered on his mouth and her heart ached at the thought of not sharing a bed with him again.

* * *

The way she watched him now…he was pretty sure she was going to be majorly pumping the brakes. He didn’t blame her. After all, he’d lied about something big but another part was almost certain she’d been waiting for him to screw up.

Waiting for a chance to push him away.

There was nothing cowardly about her, but when it came to personal relationships she was wary. If he hadn’t been so tied up in himself he would have realized that she wouldn’t be able to get around this one.

“I haven’t touched the story since Paul died…”

“That’s not what’s bothering me. I invited you to sleep with me. I’ve always slept alone…you had to know I thought we were on the same page,” she said.

“Same page. Are we business partners or in a relationship.”

Her mouth got even tighter, and glancing down at her notepad he saw there was a row of skull and crossbones running down the length of it. “There’s usually honesty between both partners.”

“Fair enough. But I’ve come clean now.”

“Heard that from you before.”

He wanted to slam his fist down on the table but stopped himself and just clenched his hands instead. “I’m trying to be open but most of the people I’ve cared about…well, Paul and my dad are dead. I’m not keeping stuff from you to hurt you. I wish you could see that.”

“If you were just a jerk I’d walk away no problem, but you’re not. You talk to me about Star Wars and sit next to me when I write. Try to get into a trance to talk to the dead… That guy isn’t one I thought had to keep secrets.”

God, the truth hurt. He couldn’t keep being defensive. He had to tell her what he felt. Show her why he’d be scared.

“There are maybe a handful of people on this planet I care for and you are one of them.”

“Thank you. I care about you too,” she said quietly. “I’m not just hanging on to my anger to be a bitch. Sex with you, that’s easy and fun and no regrets. Sleeping with you is something else. Maybe we moved too fast. There is so much else going on.

“You are dealing with the past and the grief you never let yourself express when Paul died. I think you need to process that first.”

She was right. But that didn’t change the way he felt about her. Or the fact that she was shoving him away.

“Probably. But there is a part of me that believes you were waiting for me to mess up.”

She opened her mouth and then closed it. Her arms wrapped more tightly around her chest as she took several deep breaths.

Yeah, that was a bit on the nose. But he wasn’t the only one who was fumbling their way around here and making mistakes. She was too.

“When you care for another person the way I do about you…you give them some grace. Take the screwups but stay together. If not, what’s the point of letting anyone in?” he asked.

She was too important to him to just let her walk away. Though she’d stay to finish this thing with the textbook, it wouldn’t be the same. She was already wrapping herself back into her armor and retreating. The energy in the room had changed in the last thirty minutes.

For the first time he didn’t feel her curiosity and her passion. She’d shut down. Completely locked herself away.

“You’re right.” The words were softly spoken and quiet.

“Great, because being right is what matters,” he said sarcastically.

“Hear me out. I’ve been sitting over here acting like the injured party when there are things I haven’t told you.”

What?

“Anything big?” he queried, wanting to know if her secret like his had nothing to do with who they were now.

* * *

Jasper had knocked her off from the first. Pushing her in ways she doubted he’d recognize. Tapping her into the supernatural in a way she’d honestly never expected.

He was right, she had been waiting. She’d found her nice, safe routine and settled into her life. Writing books that gave her a chance to live out her favorite goth girl fantasies. Living next to her mom who’d step in if things got too tough.

Just existing until she’d gone back to his place and they’d kissed. Magic had wrapped around her as steadily as Jasper’s arms had. That ghost had tied the two of them together and as reluctant as she’d been to come on this trip…it had been the adventure she’d always secretly craved.

It was easy to point to Jasper. You lied to me. But she’d never been honest. He’d been counting on her to help him with the ghost and she’d never had the ability to do it.

At some point, that should have been made clear to him. Her emotional hideaway was a big comfy sweater that she could tug down to cover her knees when she drew them up to her chest. Just a place where she bundled into herself and hid.

But there was no hiding from Jasper. He pushed her with things like his smile and his big, furry dog. Nothing that had anything to do with why she was scared to really let him in.

That fear came from deep inside. From being a child that one parent didn’t want. She could even understand that her father had promised them he’d be a crappy family member because he truly only cared for himself.

It took a lot to admit that…she got it. It was a him thing not a her thing, but still that feeling of not being good enough remained.

A kernel deep inside of her that had been reinforced over time by the relationships she’d allowed herself to fall into. Larry in high school and Buck in college. That had been it. Two risky moves and she’d retreated. And they’d let her.

But Jasper wasn’t letting her. He sat across the table from her, looking anxious and sad and worried and mad. Showing her all his emotions without censoring himself because that was how he reacted.

His father had been taken from him and he still took chances. Sure, he sort of rolled over everything in his path and today seeing him with Victor she realized there was still so much to this man she was coming to care for that she didn’t know. But it was all good things.

What if there was nothing good left for him to discover about her?

She looked just like her mom and had always feared that meant that inside she was just like her dad. True, her relationships had ended for things other than her being selfish but she’d picked men who she knew weren’t looking for long-term.

“Are you just going to stare at me?”

“No. I don’t really believe I have any psychic ability. That thing in Chicago was me starting my period and needing a quick escape. Until I came to this house I had never experienced anything remotely paranormal.”

Shaking his head he stood up and put his hands on the table and leaned over toward her. “Why did you pretend with me?”

“You sort of left me no choice…but now… I don’t know. I’m hearing a voice from that textbook. Paranormal shit is happening all over the place. Now I’m connected to it and to you.”

Turning away from her he put his head against the wall behind him. “You think that’s why we got together? The ghost?”

The words were muffled but she heard them clearly.

“No. I mean not for me, but maybe for you. I’m different and probably seem exciting to you.”

“For the love of— You are the most frustrating woman I’ve ever met,” he said, and pivoted to face her. “I like that you are unique and that you don’t play nice. I like you for you.”

All of the fear and uncertainty she’d felt about finally telling him dissipated. “I like you too.”

“But it scares me that you’ll use that excuse to keep me at arm’s length now. I see you, Kirsty. I see the woman you want to be with your temporary tattoos, walking into bookstores, talking to strangers and unraveling puzzles like your fictional character does. And that frightens you.”

“Seeing me is the last thing I want you to do.” It wasn’t lost on her that the conversation had turned entirely personal and not about the ghost at all. Maybe it had never been about that.

“Why the hell not? You don’t want to be invisible, Kirsty.”

It had taken her a long time to feel comfortable in her skin. Telling him that there were things about herself she didn’t like…wasn’t what she wanted to do. But she’d demanded honesty from him and he’d delivered it in spades.

“There are things I don’t like about myself. You’re not wrong when you said I was looking for you to screw up. Waiting and watching so I could be right to not let myself feel safe in your arms. To not let myself admit how much you mean to me. There, happy?”

“I mean thanks for the truth, but honestly do you think so little of me that you think a few flaws would make me not like you?”

“It’s not a few flaws. I am really judgy and I hold on to my anger. I’m not going to pretend I can just let things go. I’m mad you didn’t tell me about the short story and how you were working with Paul even knowing I hadn’t told you I have no psychic ability.”

As soon as the words left her mouth the overhead lights flickered and then a bulb exploded at the other end of the table.

“The ghost disagrees,” Jasper said.

He came around the table and pulled her into his arms. “You can’t scare me off.”