Page 28 of Gay for Pray (Arport Sacred Sacrament University #1)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Theodore

“NEXT, THEODORE, PLEASE,” PROFESSOR Demsky says.

I rise from my seat near the front of the classroom, but I don’t head up to give my presentation. Instead, I pause, casting a look over my shoulder.

Jude meets my eyes, and I wait. A question lingers in his gaze, and he mouths the words, “Are you sure?”

I nod. I’m sure. I’m absolutely sure, not a single trickle of doubt anywhere in my body.

That doesn’t prevent my stomach from fluttering when he rises and heads to the front of the classroom.

I join him, and we face the class. That one guy who laughed when Jude and I became partners, the bouncer from the party, sneers instead of smirking when he sees us standing at the head of the class together.

He looks like he might protest, the way he protested when I entered that disastrous party.

Seriously, what is his problem with me? The rest of our classmates have no idea what’s going on, but Professor Demsky does, and her gaze contains even more questions than Jude’s did.

I give her the same nod I offered Jude, a gesture of absolute surety.

I’ve made my choice.

We pull up our presentation to project it on the board.

All of the information is there. Our research is thorough, our arguments well articulated.

We didn’t phone in a second of this. We both knew that if we were going to do this, we were going to do it so right that Professor Demsky had no choice but to give us top marks for our presentation on predestination.

“In Christianity,” I say, “predestination proposes that God has predetermined who to save, and therefore salvation rests within God’s eternal decree. It proposes the existence of a divine plan that is absolutely immutable.

“But both religious and secular philosophers have pushed back against this doctrine, arguing that God intentionally gave us free will and let us choose our own paths. Many argue against the idea that God would have chosen who to save and who to damn before He even created the earth. If he gave us free will, they say, then He must have wanted us to exercise that free will.”

And I will. I’ll choose my own path, no matter what my father believes my destiny is.

Taking that leap nearly broke me, but the moment I stepped off the cliff, I felt like I was flying instead of falling.

I’ve never felt so free in my life, and while it’s partially terrifying, that sensation comes from the huge, wide open future suddenly stretching before me, a future I get to choose for myself instead of having someone else decide it for me.

Jude takes over explaining the secular arguments in favor of free will.

He did all of that research himself, and I watch him present it in awe.

He’s confident and easy, totally relaxed even standing up in front of a room full of people.

If anything, he glows, lighting up as all the attention turns on him.

I wonder again why someone like this would persist so long with someone like me, someone so different from him, someone who pushed him away again and again.

The second he found me in the pews the other day and offered me a chance at redemption, however, there was only one possible choice.

By the time we finish our presentation, I can’t feel my legs. Adrenaline courses through my body because what I just did wasn’t simply an assignment for a class. It was a statement to my father.

Other pairs go up and present, but I don’t hear them.

I’m too busy replaying what Jude and I just did, and what it could mean.

I’m sure I’ll know the moment my father finds out about this.

He’ll be sure to call and tell me what an awful, damning choice I made.

He doesn’t even know the half of it. I didn’t simply choose to do a project with my assigned partner; I chose Jude himself, and fear of my father won’t change that.

When class ends, Professor Demsky calls me to her desk. I motion for Jude to come with me. The professor glances between us, but doesn’t object.

“So, Theodore,” she starts.

I spare her from having to explain my own father to me. “I know, Professor Demsky.”

“I’ll have to tell him.”

“I understand.”

She must see my resolve on my face because her exasperation melts into a smile.

“You two did good work on this,” she says. “I haven’t read your papers yet, but if they’re half as well researched as your presentation, I imagine you’ll both be pleased with your grades. You made a good team.”

She says it as though she knows, as though she can tell by looking at us that we…

Well, maybe she can. Maybe you can’t help but be obvious when you care about someone.

Some old instinct wants to flinch away from the suggestion in Professor Demsky’s voice, but I fight it down.

I’m going to need to learn not to listen to that voice the way I have for my whole life.

This is a new me and a new chapter, and it starts right here in this classroom.

“I’m sorry to put you in this position,” I say. “This isn’t your job, ma’am. I only wanted to complete the assignment as you instructed us to.”

“It’s not your fault, Theodore, and your father isn’t my first nosy parent. Don’t you worry about any of that. Worry about your studies. And…”

A quick glance between Jude and I, a mere flicker of her eyes, but it seems to say, “Worry about this .”

Impulsively, I take Jude’s hand. He flinches with surprise, but when I squeeze, he squeezes in return.

“Thank you, Professor. I will.”

“Good,” she says. “Now, I have some grading to do, and don’t think I won’t be absolutely fair despite the circumstances.”

“Of course, Professor.”

I turn to go, taking Jude with me, but Professor Demsky calls out to me before we make it to the door.

“If you need help talking to your father,” she says, “you let me know.”

Warmth seeps through my chest, and a genuine smile spreads across my face. “I will. Thank you, Professor.”

Then I leave the classroom, still clasping Jude’s hand.

“You sure you want to do that?” he says with a note of mocking in his voice.

I squeeze his hand again. “Yes, I’m pretty damn sure.”

“Hand holding and spicy language? Presentations really get you going. I should have known that’s what does it for you.”

I snort a laugh, smiling over at him. “Thank you for doing that.”

The mirth drops out of his light eyes. “I wasn’t the one taking a risk in there. That was all you, Theo. All I had to do was stand there.”

I shake my head before he finishes. “I’m sure you know what my father will think about this…and you.”

His grimaces, but hides it swiftly. I’m watching him while he watches the path ahead of us, trusting him to lead me. I don’t care about the beautiful afternoon, the warm weather, the other students filtering past us. Jude consumes my focus.

He takes a breath before he starts. “I’ve met people like your dad before.

Trust me. He is far from the first.” He glances aside at me.

“I made a choice back in high school about how I would live my life, and people like your father have never managed to change my mind. So don’t worry about me, okay? I’m used to this.”

“You shouldn’t have to be.”

The thought of people like my father bullying Jude for who he is stabs through my chest.

“What about you?” Jude says. “Are you okay? Are you going to be okay when your father finds out?”

We’ve avoided this topic, spending the week focusing only on the project itself, but now there’s nothing to buffer us from it any longer.

Still, as I gaze at the man walking beside me, the fear I might have expected to feel in this moment is absent.

There’s a flutter of nerves, certainly, but none of that bone-chilling, soul-crushing fear I might expect.

“Yeah,” I say, “I’m ready. In fact, I’m starting to realize that I was more scared before. All that hiding, all that lying, that was the scary stuff. Now that I’ve decided to stop…I’m weirdly okay.”

“It makes sense,” Jude says.

“It does?”

“Yeah, you’re free now. And even if the future is scary and uncertain, even if it might be hard, there’s strength in knowing who you are, in being free of people who want to control you, in standing up for yourself.

And I’ll be with you, Theo. Seriously. No matter what.

If you need to figure out how to pay for school, I can help you apply for aid.

Mom and I are pros at this point. We can find part-time jobs together.

We’ll figure it out. You aren’t alone. I never caught that asshole who dosed you, but not for lack of trying. I’ll always be by your side, okay?”

A lump clogs my throat. I didn’t realize I was waiting for those words all semester, perhaps all my life.

Have I ever been so truly, deeply not alone?

Before, I would have said I have my family, but I don’t know if that’s true.

I’m about to find out, I suppose. Maybe my sister Lucy will have my back, but maybe she won’t.

She’s applying for college, and if my parents disown me for this, she might be leery of facing the same fate.

But I do know one thing. I do know that what Jude says is true. Whatever comes next, he’ll be here with me. I won’t be alone even if my whole family hates me for choosing him.

I stop him right there on one of the broadest, busiest paths in the whole campus.

Towering trees shade us, though warmth seeps between the canopies.

Students filter past us, most too busy to feel anything but annoyance about two people standing in the middle of the path.

The world moves on around us, not just this lively university, but the broader world as well, and I have to wonder why it’s such a big damn deal for me to love Jude in the midst of all that.

I decide I don’t really care.

I cup his face in my hands and lean down to kiss him.

He murmurs with surprise, but clings to my shirt and kisses me back, rising up a little to reach me.

We haven’t done much of this lately, keeping our focus on our project.

Our hands and eyes might have wandered during some of those study sessions, but after our project requirements changed—and then changed right back—we didn’t have as much time as we might have liked for… other types of study.

Now, I soak him in like the trees soaking in the Southern Californian sunlight. A breeze caresses us on the way past. I swear birds start singing in the branches, the whole world narrowing to this moment between Jude and I.

He’s smiling when I pull away. I don’t release him, cupping his face and staring down into his bright, mischievous eyes, eyes that promise all sorts of adventures that might not be suitable for the middle of the campus.

In the back of my mind, it dawns on me that no one shouted in outrage as we kissed.

No one really seemed to care at all. Despite this being a Catholic university, most students here are more worried about themselves than whatever I might be doing.

Growing up with my father, I would have found that hard to believe, but here I am.

“So,” Jude says, chewing on his bottom lip, “now that we’ve gotten that project out of the way…”

The way he tugs on that lip makes me want to seize it between my teeth, but I hold myself back, taking his hand instead.

“Yes,” I say. “Hell yes, actually.”

He laughs. “I’ll warn Nick. I sure hope he’s got somewhere to be because once I get my hands on you, God himself won’t be able to stop me.”

Amen.