Page 21 of Gay for Pray (Arport Sacred Sacrament University #1)
Chapter Twenty-One
Jude
I KNEW IT WAS coming, but that doesn’t make it suck less when Theo pronounces me a dirty secret he’ll do his best to forget.
Rejection isn’t enough to stop me eyeing him up at every opportunity.
My body and heart are out of alignment on this one, and it’s only a matter of time before my body decides my heart can take another hit if it means getting my mouth on Theo.
I’m only hurting myself more in the long run, but that’s yet to stop my bad decisions.
I’m a complete idiot, but when that blond jerk opens his mouth and sings, I sneak a glance at him from my place on the other side of the choir arrangement.
Even with the whole choir singing together, I hear nothing but him, that low, strong bass that holds the whole arrangement together and thrums through my chest.
Mr. Jones takes us through the song, dragging out the last note before letting us drop into silence.
For a moment, quiet fills the practice room, the very same practice room where I hooked up with Theo for the first time.
The memory fills me with things my heart cringes away from, but it’s rapidly losing the battle for control.
Even when he rejected me, Theo dropped a crumb suggesting we could keep this going as long as it was a secret, and that’s a crumb I’m stupid enough to scoop up.
“You’re sounding great, everyone,” Mr. Jones says.
“This song will be part of the concert, so make sure you’ve got it down.
This is a rare opportunity to allow the outside community join us for Mass, so treat it like a special occasion.
Invite any friends and family who’d like to come worship with us. ”
Even if Mom wanted to worship, she couldn’t take the time off work or afford the expense of traveling here from our home in Utah. It’s the same reason I don’t go home during breaks. It’s simply too expensive for us.
The same won’t be true for Theo, which is the whole reason he’s running from me.
We’ve barely gotten started, and already the world’s expectations are ripping him away from me.
Then again, he must have known before he ever kissed me that he couldn’t be gay.
He’s trying to become a priest, and even deacons who have families don’t have those kinds of families.
This was doomed from the start, but I thought I might get a little more time to enjoy him before it imploded.
The risk isn’t only to his career. Even as an undergrad, my mere presence could smudge him.
I’m out, very obviously out. I don’t try to hide it.
I don’t act differently for the sake of other people.
If his parents saw us exchange so much as a handshake, the gay would be too potent for them to ignore.
“We have a few more practices between now and the concert,” Mr. Jones says. “It’s imperative that you attend every one of those practices, or let me know if you can’t so I can keep you updated on any changes to the arrangement.”
His eyes sweep over the choir as he issues this pronouncement, and I swear they linger a little longer on me and Nick and Theo. We’re the only truants here, though thankfully no one has put it together that we were all absent for basically the same reason that fateful Sunday.
That look probably rattles Theo, judging by how jumpy he was when we met up on Tuesday to talk about our philosophy project.
I could stick my fingers in that wound and try to hurt him the way he’s hurting me, but instead I all but throw myself out of that practice room when Mr. Jones dismisses us.
Theo doesn’t want to interact in public, and while I don’t owe him any kindness, I don’t have to be a complete jerk either.
He’s dealing with complications I can’t possibly understand, even if I think he’s being an ass about managing them.
Before I can do anything stupid, I get myself out of the practice room with Nick, who’s just as eager to leave as me. He glances back once as we slip out of the church’s side door, almost stumbling over his own feet in the process.
Then I see where he’s looking. It’s that freshman again, the small guy with the dark hair and dangling earrings. He’s on the higher end of the scale, and usually stands in front of Nick during practice.
I nudge Nick with my elbow, both to get his attention back to where he’s walking and to distract myself by teasing him. “So, finally got your eye on someone, huh?”
“What?” he says. He blinks, visibly shaking himself. “No. What?”
“Come on, I’ve seen you checking out that guy before.”
Nick scoffs. “Whatever. He’s just another choir boy. Probably not even gay.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
More straight guys wear earrings than in the past, but the freshman definitely gives off queer vibes. If we were anywhere but a giant Catholic university, I’d say it was a sure thing, but in a place like this you never really know.
“Don’t count yourself out yet,” I say. “Crazier things have happened.”
I’m trying to be encouraging, but my remark dredges up my own situation.
My shitty, horrible situation in which I’ve found the perfect guy but he’s going to run away to be a priest. I can’t understand that choice.
He’s clearly not straight. I promised him an education, but Theo was a natural.
His body took over, and it knew exactly what to do.
I bet it would know what to do in other scenarios as well, scenarios I’ve been playing over and over in my head.
I’ve been trying to wait for the right time, but it’s seeming increasingly likely we’ll never experience the right time.
We might not even experience a whole semester together.
If I’m going to get a shot at more, it’ll be by brute force.
“I’m thinking of quitting, actually,” Nick says.
“Wait, what?” His words knock me back into the present.
“It’s just all this getting up early on Sunday shit,” Nick says. “It sucks. We can’t really do this every Sunday, right?”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re supposed to be partying and having fun.”
“Singing is fun.”
He shoots me a withering look. “It’s not this fun. What’s going on with you? I figured by now you’d be as ready to get out of this as I am. You’ve even got your mystery man to occupy you. You need this even less than I do.”
If only. He has no idea how simultaneously close to and far from the mark he is.
“Don’t quit yet,” I say, ignoring the bulk of his argument. “At least give it a whole semester. If it sucks that much, we can bail next semester.”
“And waste a whole half a year? That’s easy for you to say. You’re actually getting laid. I’m not. I’ve got way more at stake here.”
He waits for me to break, but when I don’t, he huffs and shrugs. “Fine, one semester, but if it still sucks then I’m out of here. You can have your stuffy choir. We might not last that long anyway. Choir Boy will definitely get us kicked out the next time we miss a practice.”
I hold in a whole host of reactions at that one.
“Choir Boy” missed out on the same Mass we did, and for reasons Nick wouldn’t believe even if I told him.
He knows Theo got fucked up at that party, but he assumes I put the guy to bed and got him right back out of bed as quickly as I could.
I haven’t been brave enough to correct that assumption.
If Nick knew how long Theo stayed with me, or about that kiss, he’d probably think I lost my mind.
“Anyway, I’ve got good news for you,” Nick says. “I gotta go home for a family thing on Friday. You and your mystery man have the place to yourselves until Saturday night.”
That should be good news indeed. It should be great news. A couple days ago, I’d already be reaching for my phone. Now, I’m not so sure Theo will take me up on the offer. If he does, I should probably go for it, for everything, take what I really want while it’s still (briefly) within reach.
“Thanks,” I say.
“Thanks? That’s it? I thought you’d be more excited than that.”
“I haven’t even asked the guy if he’s free yet. I’ll be excited when he says yes.”
“Dude, he’s a college student. What the hell else is he doing on a Friday night? Studying?”
Nick chuckles, but the laughter dies in my throat before it can reach my mouth. Theo may very well turn me down for exactly that reason.
If Nick thinks anything of my reaction, he doesn’t bring it up, and soon we reach the place in the path where we need to split so he can head to class.
I don’t take my phone out of my pocket until I’m sure I’m alone, then I hesitate over the keyboard.
Will Theo say yes? It could be too big of a risk even when we’re completely alone in my dorm.
What if someone saw him heading to my room?
I type out the message almost spitefully, asking him if he’s free “to study” on Friday night, when my roommate will be away and we can work on our project without any outside interruptions.
I expect him to say no despite the coded language, but for a long time, all I receive in response is silence.
Maybe that’s all I’ll ever get. I should probably start bracing myself for disappointment, but I was stupid enough to text him this invitation, so clearly even outright rejection isn’t enough to teach me a damn thing.
Okay.
The response comes after a long delay, and it contains nothing but that single word, complete with a foreboding period.
The elation that should follow a “yes” never arrives.
I don’t know why Theo agreed. I have no clue what’s going through his head.
The conflict must be intense, but apparently not intense enough for him to swear off seeing me entirely.
That doesn’t soothe the sting whatsoever.
All it means is that I’m a toy, a temporary diversion, a sin, but one small enough that he believes he can brush me away and clear his soul.
As for me, I’ve got bigger plans for Theo.
No, not for him. I’m going to do this for myself.
Last year, I couldn’t find a guy at all.
This semester, I’ve found a damn priest. Somehow getting laid isn’t fixing anything, so I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands.
He can treat me like a toy, but I’m plenty capable of doing the same.
He’s nothing but a hot, firm body and good hands.
He’s nothing but a pretty face and soft lips and a useful cock.
I don’t need him to care about me in order to get my needs met.
He wants this to be impersonal and distant?
Fine. I can do impersonal and distant. I can keep my heart out of this and let him run away when the weight of his sins grows too heavy to bear.
In the meantime, I’m going to show him exactly what he’s missing.