Page 5

CHAPTER 5

XANDER

“W e eliminated a little over five hundred miles in the bottom most edge of the southwest quadrant of our search area yesterday.” The brown-haired mage points out the area on the large map laid out on the table. As a piss-poor consolation prize for not going after Briar ourselves, the mage is keeping us up-to-date on the search.

While five hundred miles of progress seems good, it’ll take roughly fourteen days to clear the whole area at this rate. That means Briar could be stuck with the Knights for two weeks. I clench my jaw as I try not to imagine what they could do to her in that time. Her anguished scream when I was shot rings in my head and superimposes over the image of the Knights hurting her.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I do the best I can to push the image out of my thoughts before both my wolf and I lose it.

“Thanks for the update,” Saint chimes in when neither my brothers nor I say anything.

Kai opts to silently glare at the search area, like the force of his displeasure alone can find Briar. Bastian leans back in his chair, looking like he doesn’t have a care in the world. His eyes swimming with worry tell a different story, though.

And me? I’m sitting here like the broody asshole I was until I met Briar. In the space of a few months, she saw me in a way no one had in more than a decade. She saw through the snark and anger and aloofness that I use as a shield to keep people away. She saw how much I was hurting, even when I didn’t acknowledge it to myself. Briar had more patience for me than I deserved, and, for some unknown reason, she decided I was worthy of her love.

Not getting a chance to tell her that I’ve fallen for her makes my wolf howl mournfully in my mind. My chest feels like a two-ton dumbbell is crushing it at the thought of never being able to let her know how I feel.

It feels like the walls are closing in on me as I think about all the ways I was an asshole to Briar and all the things I should’ve done differently. She certainly deserved a hell of a lot better than how I treated her.

Forking a rough hand through my blond hair, the urge to run away from all the worry about my mate gets the better of me. “Are we done here? Or do you need us for something else?” My voice comes out sharper than I mean, but I’m past the point of caring.

My abrupt question makes the mage from Elemental Security raise his eyebrows at me. “You’re free to go. I’ll have an update for everyone who wants to hear it around seven tonight.” I give him a jerky nod as I shove up from my seat and stalk out of the room. As I’m leaving, I hear the mage say, “If you have a moment, McAlister, I could use another set of eyes on these field reports.”

I guess the two mages patched things up. Saint absolutely losing it at the other mage yesterday caught me by surprise. Since Briar came crashing into our lives, I’ve been the one with a short fuse. Instead of calming Bastian or Kai down, I’ve needed them to tell me to get my shit together on more than one occasion. It was easy to fall back into the peacekeeper role I’ve taken on for the past almost fifteen years and tell Saint to cool it.

Not bothering to stay to see how Saint responds, I purposely stride through our pack house, only offering a tight-lipped smile or small nod to those I pass. Usually, I’d try to talk with the people who work around the house, but I’m not in the right headspace at the moment.

Taking the wooden stairs two at a time, I practically sprint down to the basement and to our workout room. Since everything I’m feeling is too much to bottle up, I need an outlet. Pounding on the punching bag is the only one I can think of.

I yank at the buttons of my navy shirt, not caring that I tear a few off in my haste to get out of my restrictive dress clothes I threw on out of habit, forgetting for a brief moment that nothing about life right now is normal. I couldn’t be bothered to change once I realized, a mistake which I’ve regretted the whole meeting. I kick off my black oxfords but keep on my charcoal suit pants and white undershirt as I pad over the black mats to the stereo system. Hooking up my phone, I hit shuffle. The first notes of “Mr. Forgettable” by David Kushner start playing as I line up with the punching bag.

Not bothering to tape up my hands, I start hitting the bag as hard as I can. The repetitive thump of my knuckles striking the black leather lulls me into a sort of trance as I let all of my worry and heartache and fear for Briar pour out of me.

I lose track of time, continuing to punch even when my arms feel like Jello and sweat drips into my eyes, stinging them. I only stop to brush my hair out of my vision when I’m struggling to see the bag. Impatiently shoving my fingers through the damp strands, I’m surprised to see blood smeared on my knuckles. Inspecting both hands, I notice my knuckles are split and weeping crimson liquid.

Shrugging because the damage doesn’t matter to me, I’m about to get back to pounding on the bag when my gaze clashes with Kai’s in the mirror. He’s leaning against the wall behind me, his arms crossed. While he looks casual in his jeans, tee, and slouched posture, his navy eyes are sharp as he watches me.

He arches a black brow at me. “You done?”

I shrug. “Maybe. I don’t know. You gonna stop me if I’m not?” Apparently punching the bag isn’t doing enough because I find myself trying to goad Kai into a fight.

His lips tip up into a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “No. Unlike with Bastian, I don’t have to worry about you doing irreparable harm.” He pauses in thought for a moment as his gaze roves over me. “Or do I?”

I clench my fists, which causes the skin on my hands to split further. Warm blood drips down my fingers onto the floor as I try to force down my frustration at myself. While I’m trying to listen to Briar’s advice that what happened to Bastian wasn’t my fault, I still don’t feel like I deserve anyone’s concern. Making my family worry about me just makes me feel like a failure. “I’m fine,” I grit out.

Kai barks out a laugh devoid of humor. “You’re not fine. Don’t fucking lie to me, Xander.” His eyes flash the amber of his wolf for a moment before he forces his beast back down. Remorse shines in his gaze as he pushes off the wall and walks over to me. “I know we’ve all been so focused on Bastian that we ignored how you were doing. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express how damn sorry I am to you for turning a blind eye to your pain. It can’t make up for it, but I’m here for you now.”

A lump forms in my throat at Kai’s genuine concern. Not knowing what to do with it, I try to brush him off. “You have enough on your plate without worrying about me.” I refrain from insisting again that I’m fine because I don’t want to provoke his wolf. While I’d happily go a round with human Kai, his wolf would tear me to shreds without a second thought if he felt like I was disrespecting him.

Kai shakes his head in exasperation. “I don’t care about what’s on my plate. None of it will ever matter more than my family. All I really have the capacity to give a fuck about right now anyway is you, Bastian, Briar, our parents, and even her mage. Despite how I’ve acted, I do care about you, Xander.”

A ghost of a smile crosses my lips at how put out Kai sounds about caring about Saint. We all care about him because Briar does. But, more than that, he’s shown himself to be a pretty good guy who’s endlessly devoted to our mate. Even I’m warming up to the mage, which isn’t something I ever thought I’d say. Of all the supernatural species, mages and their elitism are my least favorite.

I meet his gaze briefly before staring down at my hands because I’m not good at expressing any emotion other than frustration. “I know you care about me, Kai.”

“Then why won’t you let me, or anyone else, help you?” His voice is exasperated as he stretches his arm up to hold the top of the bag so he can lean against it.

“Because I don’t feel like I deserve your help,” I whisper.

“Why?” he prods. Normally, Kai would let it drop the first time I said I was fine. He wouldn’t push for an answer because he had too many other fires to put out. It’s weird having him care so much about how I’m doing, but it’s kind of nice.

“Because I wasn’t there for Bastian and now Briar,” I admit. It feels like acid burning down my throat admitting how badly I failed two of the most important people in the world to me. “If I can’t protect the people I care about, what use am I?”

Because all that matters is that I’m useful. That’s why people keep me around because of what I can do for them. Without that, why would anyone want me?

“First, nothing about what happened with Bastian was your fault. Second…” Kai breaks off and scrubs a hand over his face. “We all played a role with Briar and the Knights. It wasn’t your fault she got taken. It sure as hell wasn’t your fault she’s so fucking strong and was able to alpha order us. There wasn’t anything we could do in that situation. But we should’ve been more mindful of the Knights, and we should’ve taken backup. That’s not just on you. It’s on all of us. All we can do is learn from it and do better next time. As for what use you are, your value isn’t determined by what you do, Xander. It’s determined by who you are, and I’m incredibly proud of the man you’ve become and that I get to call you my brother.”

Warmth bubbles in my chest at Kai’s words. I never knew how much it would mean to hear that he’s proud of me. The warmth doesn’t last long. My blood turns to ice in my veins as I voice my biggest fear. “What if we can’t bring her home? What if we’re too late?”

“That’s not an option,” Kai growls, his voice vibrating with the power of his wolf. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t look him in the eyes right now with how much dominance is pouring off him. He sucks in a breath before continuing without his wolf leaking out. “I can’t function in a world without her, and Briar needs all of us right now. I have to believe we’ll find her and bring her home before it’s too late.”

I nod because that’s what we all have to believe, I guess. Wallowing in the what-ifs and dwelling on the if only doesn’t help my mate any. She needs us to have our shit together so we’re ready to go against the Knights when we do finally find her.

“Wanna go a round in the ring?” I know Kai’s just as on edge as I am. We could both blow off a little steam.

He flashes me a savage grin and heads to the mats we have set up. I snort at his eagerness and follow him over, fully prepared to get my ass handed to me as I try desperately not to think about what happens if we can’t find Briar in time.