Page 46 of Free Fall #1

Dan

I hang by my fingertips and toes from the roof of the large Heart Formation in the side of El Capitan—the formation that gives the main route I’m doing its name.

I’m focused entirely on levering myself up over the lip, which will put me in the next part of the climb—the straight up, vertical granite with tiny, razor-sharp finger holds.

It’ll be the most dangerous part, aside from the dyno and the roof itself, because I’m not going to be able to rest from that point onward to the top.

If it starts to rain, if I’ve misjudged the weather and it gets a little too humid, or too hot…

Well.

I tug myself up over the lip, and grip the sharp, narrow crimps enough to hook my toes into the good footholds I’ve located at this juncture.

They were necessary to find because I do need to stop here, catch my breath, and get my wits about me before carrying on.

The problem with choosing this location to mount the lip of the roof is it leaves the “safety ledge” I’ve scoped out below a few meters too far to the left if I pump out.

But it’s all a mental game. In some ways, I realized a few weeks ago, the safety ledge is holding me back in confidence with the roof.

I haven’t wanted to leave the range it allows for, knowing that if I fall and land on the ledge, I’ll only be very badly hurt and not necessarily dead.

In refusing to leave that area, I’ve limited myself in terms of my choice in holds starting up the next pitch.

This limit placed on my choices is a nod to the kind of caution Sejin, Rye, and Peggy Jo want me to embrace, and it’s keeping me from realizing my dream. I see that now as I rest for a long moment, cheek to rock face, breathing in and out, taking in the evergreens and the vast exposure below.

“That was sick,” Rye enthuses. “You’re such a badass, Dan. A terrifying, mind-blowing badass.”

I grunt before giving him the signal that I’m ready to come back down.

The rope keeps me safe as I start the treacherous downclimb back over the lip and the roof, and even though I’m on the rope, and thus safe as houses, I still breathe a sigh of relief when I’m positioned over that ledge again.

So, yeah, a security blanket. I need to ditch it entirely.

“Let’s talk risks here,” Rye says, as I draw in above him to start the pitch again.

I want to run through it one last time before calling it a day.

“This is the second crux of the route. What’s your plan if you start to pump out on the climb over the lip?

I see you’ve got a nice place to rest there, but…

” Rye bites his lip and squints up at the roof.

“Maybe the thing to do, just to be safe, is—”

He looks down below where the ledge is a traverse climb less than a full pitch away. “Just take a little detour on the way up.”

“You mean extend the route to rest?”

“Yeah. I think if you go into these pitches directly after those below, the risks for a mistake, or pumping out, go up exponentially. A cozy ten-minute rest on that ledge would go a long way to alleviating that. Hell, you could stash some water and food there, enough to refuel. Take a piss off the side. That sort of thing.”

I consider it.

“There’s no reason to rush up the route,” Rye points out. “There’s no one trying to do what you’re doing, no record to beat, or even to set. This will be the first—and possibly last—free solo of Heart Route in history. You don’t have to try to beat Honnold’s time on Free Rider.”

I blink at him. How he knows that Alex Honnold’s time is currently flashing in my head as the goal to beat, I don’t know. I guess Rye knows me better than I realized. But it’s not like he’s wrong. He has a good idea. It’s one I’ve considered in the past, but written off as somehow…weak.

But it’s not weak to need food, water, and a little rest to perform your best. I know this when I’m taking a rest day from training, and I should know it on the route too.

“Yeah,” I agree. “That’s a good plan.”

Rye’s eyes light up like he hadn’t expected me to agree to it at all.

“What? I’m not an idiot, and I’ve considered it before. I just…” I point at the traverse. “It’s not like it’s an easy jot over to the ledge. It might make more sense to overshoot and then do a downclimb to it.”

Rye’s throat bobs with a convulsive swallow. Downclimbs are always difficult—fighting the pull of gravity like that—and during a free solo they’re considered exceptionally risky. But what about this route isn’t exceptionally risky?

“What’s the problem with the traverse?” he asks, cupping a hand over his eyes to look more closely at the route. “It’s got a decent-sized flake.”

“It’s not a stable one, though. The last thing I need is to pull the rock off and—” I use my hand to demonstrate my plunge to El Cap’s floor.

“It can’t be that unstable,” he insists. “Not as inherently unstable as downclimbing.”

Then he tries to demonstrate this to me by heading out onto the traverse. I watch quietly and don’t argue, but he’s not even six feet out there before the flake creaks ominously, and he looks up at me with wide eyes. “Fuck.”

I nod. “And I weigh more than you.”

“Yeah. Okay, so…the downclimb.” He makes his way back across with shaky hands. He might be strapped in, but pulling a rock off onto yourself can do real damage no matter the stability of the ropes.

“Is it worth the risk or do I just need to trust my training?” I ask.

“I don’t know. When I thought you could do the traverse, it made sense, but now…” Rye shakes his head and chalks up his fingers. “I just don’t know. It’s like eggs sunny-side up or over easy, you know? They’re both eggs.”

“Mm.”

My phone begins to vibrate, and checking the screen, I smile.

It’s the photo Sejin set for his number, a photo of us from that first sunrise on Pothole Dome.

It’s wild how that seems both like forever ago and just yesterday.

Sejin and I have only been seeing each other for a little over a month and a half, but I feel like he’s already become the most important part of my life outside of climbing.

It’s a vulnerable feeling, and so new too.

No doubt about it, Sejin’s a liability, and I don’t fucking care.

I check that my phone is secured before I answer. “Hey, Doc, what’s up?”

“Are you safe to talk?” he asks, like always when he knows I’m out on the wall.

“Yup.” I wouldn’t answer if I wasn’t, but he’s always going to check, and I don’t mind the feeling of affection that comes over me when he does.

“I just got back to Peggy Jo’s and it’s so nice and quiet. No screaming kids.”

“Yowling cats, though.”

“No, they’re all asleep. Muggs is on my lap.”

“Mm.” I look out over the exposure. The evergreens are so far down they look like a swath of fake Christmas trees for dollhouses. I do wish Sejin could stomach it up here. I’d like him to see this view and love it the way I do.

“Anyway, remember how you have that toy? The one you showed me a few weeks ago for, uh, orgasm denial? And I said no, but you said yes?”

“Yeah? The ball stretcher?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Do you want to try it now?” I glance down at Rye who’s got one eyebrow cocked up with amused interest.

“No. But I bought a toy today from that new shop on the outskirts of town…”

“Oh?” I try not to be disappointed. I’d thought about suggesting he and I go there together to pick something out, but I hadn’t gotten around to it.

I’m definitely not disappointed by the idea of another new toy, though.

I’m all for having fun with a naked Sejin in any way possible.

There’s literally nothing he could have bought that I’d be unwilling to play with when it comes to him.

“Yeah. So, I want you to use the ball stretcher at the same time as this new toy.”

“Is this your way of saying you want me to come home now?”

He laughs, and the little bells ring up and down my spine again. I can imagine him ensconced on Peggy Jo’s couch with a cat on his lap, his eyes squeezed in laughter, and his wide smile taking up the bottom half of his face. God, I want to be home so I can kiss him.

“It’s my way of saying be careful up there and don’t get too banged up. I have plans for us tonight.”

“I’m all for these plans, baby,” I say quietly, looking anywhere but at Rye as I use the cheesier pet name that seems to tumble out of my mouth whenever my heart squeezes with affection like this.

“When can I expect you?”

I glance at the sun in the sky, then back at the rock. I’d intended to attempt the downclimb we’d just discussed, and then the roof again. But now…

“What kind of toy is it?”

Rye laughs from down below.

“Trying to decide how much of a hurry to be in?” Sejin giggles.

“You know it.”

“It’s for me to know, and you to find out.”

“Tease.”

Sejin giggles again, and I want to reach through the phone and lay kisses all up and down his long throat and beg him to never stop laughing like that for me. “I’ll be waiting here for you.”

“I’ll be home by sunset. There are a few things I need to do first.”

“Home,” Sejin says. “I like the sound of that.”

I swallow and blink up at the bright sun, blaming it for the sudden, odd prickle in my eyes. “Me too,” I admit, and I must have surprised him as much as I surprised myself because he gasps lightly.

“I’ll be waiting,” Sejin says again, and I feel almost dizzy with the rough lust in his voice. It’s a good thing I’m strapped in today—the ropes hold me up as my knees go weak.

“I have to head back,” I say, pocketing my phone and not meeting Rye’s knowing gaze. “What’s your schedule like tomorrow? Want to try this again?”

“I’m open. Assuming you can climb after whatever Sejin has planned for you.”

I smirk. “I’ll meet you back here tomorrow then. Let’s pack it in.”