Page 37 of Free Fall #1

Dan

T he text from Sejin is unexpected, but welcome. It’s strange how just seeing his name on my phone screen makes me feel like birds are fluttering in my heart. It’s also kind of gross. But I like it.

Papa Bear gave me the afternoon off. I have your keys with me at my place. Text me when you’re outside, and I’ll bring them out to you.

I reply with a thumbs-up and turn to Peggy Jo. “He’s not at Papa Bear. He’s back at his cousin’s house. I’ll have to grab my keys from him there.”

Peggy Jo doesn’t hesitate in her change of direction. She’s so familiar with the area and everyone in this town that, of course, she knows where Martin and Leenie live.

“I was impressed today,” Peggy Jo says as we near the gravel drive that marks their small house. “You didn’t miss on that dyno even once.”

“Told you.”

“But that dyno’s not—”

“Not the Heart Route dyno. I know.”

“What’re your stats on that one?”

I clear my throat. I don’t really want to admit it. They aren’t as good as she’s going to want to hear, and so I shrug and say, “Not bad.”

“Stats, son.”

I open my mouth to say that I’m not her son, but instead I just cough up the number. “Around seventy.”

“Around?”

“Give or take.”

“It’s either seventy or it’s not.”

“Okay, sixty-nine these days.”

“Sixty-nine out of a hundred tries you make it.”

“Yup.” Honestly, it’s a pretty impressive stat. That dyno is ridiculous. But when you’re talking about free soloing, it’s miserable. No one wants those odds.

“What’s your timeline for this again?”

“I want to go up late October or early November before the weather moves in and the rock gets too slippery. I really don’t want to wait until January or February, though the friction might be better then. But…well…the winds.”

“The winds make that a no-go,” she agrees. “Fuck, Dan.”

“I know.”

“This is stupid.”

“So you’ve said before.”

But then she goes and sprays about my accomplishments all over the town. I don’t know what to make of that. Mixed messages have always screwed me up. That’s why I rely on my own inner compass the most in life. It’s never guided me wrong.

“You can’t possibly consider it with a rate of less than ninety-eight.”

“Hmm.” I know Honnold has done some climbs he couldn’t get better than a ninety-five percent chance of success, but that’s way better than sixty-nine. And I don’t have a ton of time left.

Maybe Sejin really is too much of a distraction. If I’m going to make this timeline, I need to be up there drilling the roof and the dyno every damn day. And my rest days should be for rest, not fucking, not going on dates.

I grit my teeth together. I don’t want to walk away from this, though. I’ve never wanted to know so much about another human being in my life. I’ve definitely never wanted to bang a guy over and over and over again…

Do I really have to choose?

“Well?” Peggy Jo asks. “What’s going on in that head of yours? You’re not so pretty when you frown, you know.”

“Maybe I have to let him walk.”

“Sejin?”

I nod.

She sighs. “He’s a wonderful man. Once in a lifetime.”

“So’s this climb.”

“This climb can be done next year. It’s not like there are others scoping it out. No one’s nipping at your heels trying to steal this crown away from you.”

“It’s not about that, anyway.” Though I’d be super pissed if I found out someone free soloed Heart Route before me. After the time I’ve put in? After the effort? All the planning? But even if that happens, I’d still want to do it. I’d still have to prove it to myself.

All I need is me and my own endurance up on that wall. I don’t need anyone else.

Which means I don’t need Sejin.

“I should just end it now,” I say. “Rip the Band-Aid off. Move on. Let him get his dick wet with other hot guys traveling through, and I shouldn’t get my dick wet at all until I’ve accomplished this.”

Peggy Jo doesn’t say anything to that. I get the impression she doesn’t want me to let Sejin walk, but I also know she thinks I have to if I’m really going to send Heart Route this year. I’ve lost too much time already on him. Sixty-nine represents great sex but terrible odds, and I’m not suicidal.

“Alright. I’m going to end it now,” I say as she pulls into Martin and Leenie’s driveway and the house comes into focus in front of me. “I’ll tell him when he gives me my keys.”

“Right now?” she says, eyebrows doing wild things. “Right here?”

I nod.

“Isn’t that a little brutal?”

“Brutal’s good. Brutal’s final.” My heart is pounding. I feel sick. I have to do this, though. Sixty-nine percent when at this stage? It should be closer to ninety at least. I’ve got to get focused for real.

“I see.” Peggy Jo sounds stunned, but I don’t give her a chance to voice her opinion. I get out and walk toward the front door. I know Sejin said to text, but I feel like I should knock, get the keys from him, deliver the news, and get the hell out of Dodge.

I lift my hand just as the door flies open on its own. Jeremiah runs out wearing a party hat and holding a fistful of multicolored balloons. He squeezes past me, squealing with laughter, and Sejin’s right behind him.

“Dan!” He’s wearing a party hat too, there’s white and yellow icing on his face in the shape of a baby’s handprint, and his hair is down, all brightly black and messy. He’s so damn pretty I catch my breath.

“Hey!” he exclaims, a wide, amazing smile on his face as he steadies himself by grabbing my shoulders so he doesn’t run into me.

I gulp.

Holy shit.

It’s the smile.

The smile. The one I’ve always wanted to see directed at me. And it is. Now. Here. It’s mine. That toothy grin, those upside-down moon eyes, that messy joy and affection.

It’s all mine.

He’s mine.

“What—what’s going on?” I say after Sejin presses a sweet, sticky kiss to my mouth and then moves around me to chase after Jeremiah zooming around the yard with the balloons. They aren’t helium-filled, and they drop to the grass with soft bounces as Sejin tackles him and tickles his sides.

“It’s his birthday,” Leenie says from behind me, arms crossed over her chest, smiling fondly at her son and Sejin wrestling in the yard.

“Jeremiah’s?”

“No, Sejin’s.”

Martin appears behind her and comes out to clap me on the shoulder.

“Good to see you again, Dan.” He’s holding Sarah Kate, who chews on a teething ring and stares at me with big, brown eyes that seem to look into my soul.

“Sejin’s gonna need a rescue, I think,” Martin says to Leenie. “I’ll handle it.”

Sarah Kate starts to wail as she’s passed off to her mom, and the squeals from Jeremiah and the cries from the baby mix with Sejin’s laughter and Martin’s chiding attempts to pry his son off Sejin’s squirming body.

I stand stock-still, trying to process the chaos, vaguely aware that Peggy Jo is waiting in the truck.

I’m even more distracted when Sejin lurches up from the ground, birthday hat askew on his head, grass stains on his shirt and jeans, and still wearing that gorgeous smile that I’ve been wanting so badly. It makes my head light.

He rushes toward me and grabs me in another kiss. “Hey, I’m happy to see you,” he says. “Want to come in for cake? We have plenty.”

“Uh…” My mind goes fuzzy taking in all that perfection aimed right at me. I’ve wanted this since I first saw his picture on the app, and now I have it, and it’s even better than I thought it would be. “Cake?”

“Yeah. White on white,” he says, indicating the smear on his face. “And some yellow sugar to make a sun.”

“Oh. Yeah…um, I…” I stare up at him. I’d been planning to do something, hadn’t I? Planning to tell him something important.

“You okay?” He asks, his smile shadowing with concern, shifting from one kind of perfect to another. “Did you hit your head today?”

“No, I’m…I’m fine.” I glance toward the truck. “Peggy Jo—”

He immediately turns and waves to her, motioning for her to get out of the truck and come on over.

“We have enough cake for her too,” he says.

Peggy Jo exits the driver’s side with a smirky grin, but as she approaches, she only says, “Who’s the party for?”

“Sejin!” Jeremiah yells, coming at us full speed with his balloons back in hand. I don’t know what they’re making balloons out of these days, but it must be strong stuff because he’s tossing these around like they’re dodgeballs and, no matter what, they don’t pop.

“Happy birthday to Sejinie!” he sings. “Happy birthday to you!”

“Yes, it’s mine,” Sejin confirms, and catches Jeremiah up in his arms, blows a raspberry on his belly while he squeals, and then puts him down again. He turns to me.

At that, Jeremiah narrows his eyes, snarls, opens his mouth, and lunges my way. Lightning quick, Leenie grabs hold of his arm and leads him inside with a firm scolding. “No biting, young man.”

Peggy Jo laughs. “Do the kids bite you too, Dan? Not just my cats?”

I nod dumbly, staring at Sejin. I’d meant to tell him something. I even remember now what it was, but…

“Come on in,” Martin says to Peggy Jo. “Long time, no see, and we’ve got chips, dip, and lots of cake to spare.”

Peggy Jo follows him into the house, and I’m left gobsmacked on the front stoop with Sejin gazing at me with all that joyful affection that makes my heart feel like it’s been taken over by nesting songbirds in love.

“It’s your birthday?”

“Yup. Twenty-five this year. I’m getting old.”

I slip my fingers over his cheek, grazing over icing and sugar, and then I take hold of a hank of his hair and tug it lightly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You needed to train today.”

“But—”

“No buts. You had things to do. I don’t want to get in your way.”

I lick my lips and tell a massive lie. “Don’t worry. You’re not in my way.” I kiss him. “Happy birthday, Doc.”

He grins against my lips and kisses me again.

I can’t end things with Sejin. No matter if I should, I just can’t.

But I do set him up with Peggy Jo to go look at her place and meet her cats.

If all goes well there, he’ll move into her house by the end of the month, much to Jeremiah’s chagrin.

The kid glares at me the entire conversation, and when his mother isn’t looking, he sneaks over and opens his mouth to expose his baby canines my way in a wordless threat.

I nod at him solemnly. Threat received, buddy, and entirely understood.

I’d bite someone if they tried to take Sejin away from me too.

With that thought, when no one’s looking, I surreptitiously press my own forearm against my teeth and bite myself hard enough to leave a mark. A reminder not to be a fool.

What had I been thinking? I almost lost him. I almost ruined everything. I take a deep, determined breath. I can do this. I can send Heart Route and be with Sejin. I’d be an idiot not to find a way to do both.

I run my fingers over the teeth marks on my arm.

An absolute idiot.