Page 34 of Forbidden Billionaires: Vol. 11

Friday

“What about a bomb?” Rob said from the back seat as Ian drove us toward Professor McCarty’s house.

“No,” Ian said firmly and hit his turn signal.

“Boo, you whore.”

“Did you just call me a whore?”

“If the shoe fits.”

Ian laughed. “Think smaller.”

“You’re a teensy little baby whore.”

“Wow. No. I meant about the bomb. Why are you being so mean?”

“Because you won’t show me the footage of Penny!”

“Not happening,” I said.

“Gah!”

“Just come up with a smaller prank,” Ian said. “And I’ll go along with it. I’m the only one that’s not drunk so I have to give the okay.”

“Fine. I’m thinking smaller. So…dynamite?”

Ian shook his head. “Smaller.”

“A candle?”

“Let’s forget about lighting anything on fire,” I said. “I just want to kick his ass.”

“No, we have to pull something epic.” Rob poked his head through the gap in the front seats. “What if we get a chainsaw and…”

“We’re not cutting anyone into pieces,” Ian said. “Smaller, Rob.”

“Ian always ruins all my fun. Can’t we do this without him?”

“Ian’s the only one sober enough to drive,” I said. “Besides, he’s great at secret missions. What do you think we should do, Ian?”

“I don’t know. Something nondestructive that won’t get us arrested.”

“Here’s the plan,” Rob said. “We break into his house and fill his washing machine with way too much detergent so the bubbles…”

“Or we could not break in,” Ian said. “Let’s just toilet paper his house or something.”

Rob nodded. “A classic. I like it. But maybe we can still break in after. Oh and back to the bomb thing…”

“No fires,” Ian said.

“You didn’t let me finish. If we put some dynamite in his pipes they’ll explode.

And then when the bubbles unleash from the washing machine they’ll just keep growing and growing.

He won’t be able to see a damn thing. And the bubbles will get into his mouth.

Which is good. Because he should wash his mouth out after being an ass and hitting on Penny. ”

“I kinda like that,” I said.

Ian glanced at me for a second. “You want to put dynamite in the man’s pipes? Where do you two even think you’d be able to get dynamite?”

“The grocery store?” Rob asked.

Ian laughed.

“What’s funny?”

“Wow. When was the last time either of you went grocery shopping?”

I shrugged. “You know Ellen does that for me.”

“Rich people,” Ian said with a shake of his head. “You know what? If they have dynamite at the grocery store, I’ll let you get it. This will be very entertaining for me.”

“Score!” Rob lifted his hand for me.

I high-fived him and pulled up the directions to the closest grocery store that was still open. We pulled into the parking lot a few minutes later.

“Okay, so what do we need?” Rob asked. “Definitely a whole cart of laundry detergent. And toilet paper for Ian’s lame plan.” He grabbed a cart and climbed into it.

“Why are you getting into the cart?” Ian said. “You’re not a baby.”

“I want to rest my legs in case we have to run from the cops later.”

Ian shook his head as I started pushing Rob into the grocery store. Tonight felt like I was in college again. And I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. I was still really upset about that pervy professor. But that didn’t mean this couldn’t be fun.

“Kind sir,” Rob said and leaned out the side of the cart, almost knocking it over. “Where do you keep the dynamite?”

The guy just gave us a weird look and kept walking.

“He doesn’t work here,” Ian said.

“How do you know? He looks like a grocery store person to me.”

“What does that even mean?”

“He had a vest on.”

“Not with the store logo. It was just a normal vest.”

Rob shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not a vest man myself. Hey you!” he yelled at someone else that wasn’t an employee. “Do you have any firecrackers?”

Ian stepped in front of the cart. “Before you harass anyone else, I’m just going to cut to the chase.

They don’t sell dynamite or firecrackers in grocery stores.

And I’m shocked that neither of you knew that.

Just because you’re rich doesn’t mean you shouldn’t know that grocery stores are for groceries . Think smaller, Rob.”

“I have it!” Rob stood up in the cart. “Flaming poo.”

I laughed.

Ian groaned.

“We have to,” I said. “McCarty is a piece of shit.”

“Yeah he is!” Rob yelled. “To the lighter aisle!”

I started running, pushing the cart and Rob toward a random aisle. Because I’d never been in this fucking store before. Which reminded me… “Rob,” I said and took a sharp left turn, almost making him fly out and hit a shelf. “I have to take you to the dollar store.”

“What is a dollar store?”

“A store where everything costs a dollar. It’s crazy.” We turned down another aisle.

“You’re lying. That doesn’t exist.”

“I swear it’s a thing. I found a piggy bank there. And a million other things. We’ll go there after we light McCarty on fire.”

“We’re not lighting anything on fire!” Ian yelled after us. “Both of you stop it.”

“Never!” yelled Rob at the top of his lungs.

***

We pulled to a stop a few houses down from the piece of shit.

“Who’s going to poop in the grocery bag?” Rob asked.

“I don’t have to go,” Ian and I both said at the same time.

“Liars. You do it, Ian.” Rob pulled the lighter out of the paper bag and then threw the empty bag at Ian.

“I seriously don’t have to go.” He pushed the bag back into Rob’s hands.

“Well, fuck,” Rob said. “I don’t have to go either. We need tacos.”

“Ground beef doesn’t exactly look or smell like shit,” I said.

“I know that! But they always go right through me. Hit the drive-thru, Ian.”

“But we’re already here…”

“Drive-thru, Ian! Stat! One of us needs to shit in this bag or I refuse to get out of the car.”

Ian glanced at me. “It might be best if he stays in the car anyway.”

“What?” Rob slapped the back of his head. “No man left behind. Drive-thru then we circle back and follow through with the plan.”

I nodded my head.

“We’re going to get arrested,” Ian said and pulled away from the curb again. “And I call dibs on Ellen for my one call.”

“It’s fine, Penny will bail us out. Right, James? Because I can’t go to prison again.” He shuddered. “And we are doing this for her.”

I wasn’t so sure about that. Yes, I wanted to stand up for her. But I also just really wanted to kill McCarty.

***

“Don’t look at me!” Rob yelled from the back seat.

“Do you really have to do that in my new car?” Ian asked.

“Do you want me to do it on the street? You said you didn’t want to be arrested, smart ass.”

“And you’d think you’d be able to shit better in public after being in Costa Rican prison.”

I snickered.

“Just don’t look at me. I’m a sensitive shitter.” He groaned. “Fuck, it’s still not coming. Taco me again.” He put his hand up to the front.

I handed him yet another taco from the to-go bag. “Are you sure you want another one? You’ve already had five.”

“I’m sacrificing my body for the sake of a perfect prank. Oh it’s coming!”

Ian pretended to vomit and rolled down the windows.

“Luckily we bought all that toilet paper. Smart move, Ian.” He grabbed a roll out of the packaging.

“Mhm,” Ian said and stuck his head out the window.

“Should have bought wet wipes though. It’s a little messy back here.”

“I swear to God if you get it on my seats you have to pay for it to be detailed.”

“Yeah, whatever, James will pay for it. But I’m done and I don’t think it splooged out of the bag or anything. But the bag is a straight mess. The perfect consistency to really squish under a bare foot.”

Ian gagged.

“McCarty is going to be smelling like my shit for days. High-five!” He put his hand through the seats.

“Nope,” I said. I didn’t want shit on my hand. “But thank you for doing it.”

“Any time, man.” He burped. “We might end up with two bags…”

“No, everyone out of the car,” Ian said.

We all climbed out and grabbed as many rolls of toilet paper and laundry detergent as we could carry.

“I still don’t think we should break into his house,” Ian said.

“We gotta stick to the plan.” Rob dropped everything in his hands onto the front lawn and tiptoed up to the window. He peered inside. “Oh. My. God. Jackpot.”

“What?” I asked and walked over to the window too.

“He has a daughter.” He pointed inside.

It was pretty dark inside, but the room had some spotlighting over a framed family portrait. It looked like McCarty had a daughter about Penny’s age. And that just made what he’d done a thousand times worse.

“She’s pretty,” Ian said.

Rob shrugged. “Eh. She’s okay.”

I stared back at Rob. The blonde in the picture was exactly Rob’s type. Normally he’d be all over that. “She is pretty,” I agreed.

“Eh,” he said again. “She has nothing on that girl at the bar back there.”

“The one reading?”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “She was so fucking gorgeous. And smart too. This McCarty girl looks dumb. There aren’t even any bookshelves in this room. Shame on that professor for raising an uneducated girl.”

Um. Okay then. “So where do we start? The toilet paper or…”

“No,” Rob said. “New twist. One of us has to step up and sleep with his daughter for revenge.”

Ian laughed. “Have fun with that.”

“Not me,” Rob said. “I’m not attracted to her. It has to be one of you.”

I held up my hands. “I’m with Penny.”

“Great. Ian will do it. Fuck her real good and take a picture. We’ll mail it to him later.”

Ian laughed again. “No fucking way. You do it.”

“I already forced this shit. I’m not forcing sexual chemistry too.”

“Let’s just forget about the daughter,” I said. “We can leave her out of this.”

Rob shook his head. “If you say so. But it would make him really mad.”

Yeah, probably. But I didn’t really want to make him mad. I wanted him to just stop being a creep. “Let’s just focus on the plan.” I grabbed the end of a roll of toilet paper and threw it over a nearby tree.

Ian followed my lead as Rob tried to open the window to break in.

“It’s locked!” he said.

“Did you think it would be open?” I grabbed another roll of toilet paper off the grass.

“I thought it might be. Let’s try the front door.” He walked up and turned the door knob.

An alarm immediately started blaring inside the house.

“What the fuck?!” Ian hissed. “Abort mission! You guys are more wasted than I realized.”

“I gotta leave the shit!” Rob pulled a lighter out of his pocket and tried to set the bag on fire.

A light upstairs turned on.

“We gotta go!” Ian yelled. “Now!”

“Not until I punch him,” I said and stepped up beside Rob. Another light had turned on inside.

“What is wrong with you guys! You set off an alarm! The cops are probably already on the way!”

“Got it,” Rob said and tossed the flaming bag of shit onto the doorstep right as the door opened.

McCarty stepped out. “What the hell is going on?!” He stared down at the fire and then started to stomp on it to put it out.

I smiled.

“Ah! What’s that smell?!” he yelled and shook his foot as the blaze climbed up his pant leg. He screamed like a little girl.

“He’s on fire!” Ian yelled.

“Yeah he is!” Rob cheered.

“Ahhh!” McCarty yelled. He tried to run forward, but his face found my fist.

“You piece of shit!” I said and punched him again. “If you touch Penny like that again, I’m going to fucking kill you. Or if you even say one fucking word to her.”

“James? Is that you?” he asked as he slapped his pants. He normally wore glasses, but they weren’t on his face.

“Burn in hell!” Rob yelled.

McCarty tried to stop drop and roll, but he just smothered his pants in shit.

I leaned down and punched him again. And again. And again. His pants finally stopped burning, but they were in tatters, hanging off his tighty-whities.

“Enough,” Ian said and grabbed my arm before I could do any more damage to his ugly mug.

“Who are you people?” McCarty yelled. He still couldn’t see anything and now there was blood smeared on his face.

“Your worst fucking nightmare,” Rob said.

Sirens wailed in the distance.

“And if you tell anyone we were here, we’re all going to take turns fucking your daughter.”

“What the hell?!”

“And she’ll be calling me daddy instead of you, you little bitch.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“We have to go!” Ian yelled.

But I didn’t want McCarty to not know who had done this. I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him closer. “Can you see me now, you old prick?”

“James…”

“You heard me before, right? Don’t ever talk to my girl again. Are we clear? Because this was nothing compared to what my crazy brother wanted to do. So if you so much as look at Penny again we’ll be back.”

He nodded.

“And don’t creep on any other students either.”

“You’re one to talk,” he said.

Okay, he had a death wish. I would have punched him again, but Rob threw one of the unused bottles of laundry detergent at him instead. Right in the groin.

McCarty wheezed and bent over. “Okay,” he groaned. “Okay, just leave me alone.”

“Take that!” Rob said. “And remember what I said! If the cops show up at our place your daughter will be choking on my cock tomorrow night!”

“That’s enough,” Ian said and grabbed our arms and pulled us off the front porch.

The sirens grew louder.

Rob tripped over one of the many bottles of laundry detergent we’d left scattered throughout the yard as we ran to the car. We all climbed in and Ian put his foot down on the gas.

“Damn it,” Rob said. “We didn’t get to turn his house into bubbles or blow it up. And Ian didn’t even fuck his daughter.”

“But his legs were completely covered in your shit,” I said with a laugh. And I got to punch him several times. I cracked my knuckles.

Rob laughed. “Yeah. That was pretty epic. But he better keep his mouth shut, because I only want that bookworm from the bar to call me daddy.”