Page 8

CHAPTER 8

KENO

Gay stuff isn’t the only thing I’ve been nervous about. I know I made a really strong argument that was apparently well received and convincing for marrying your friend based on compatibility instead of love, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to love my partner.

It’s been an interesting party in my head as I contemplated Etna’s proposal based on my joke. I do love my best friend. Arguably, I already love Etna far more than anyone else in my life. That means it’s the best of both worlds, right? It’s the best of all worlds.

To be fair, even though sex has honestly been my biggest concern, I’m not disgusted by gay sex. Not in the slightest. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s definitely kind of hot. Especially after doing a week’s worth of research and seeing a lot of gay sex.

I guess my concern is whether we’re going to enjoy it together . What if neither of us likes to bottom? That’s obviously an issue, right? Then there’s a bunch of other stuff that both fascinates and terrifies me. Some of which I only added to the list because, well, it kept coming up. I don’t think at least half of this shit is reserved for gay men. But damn, the things you find when you look up ‘ gay sex ’ or ‘ gay acts ’ or anything with ‘ gay ’ in it.

Suddenly, the world is a very kinky place. And then you turn off safe search and holy hell . I’ve now seen a lot of hard dicks do some very interesting things. It was actually incredibly relieving to find myself getting hard at gay shit, too. It just proved I’m open to more than just hetero sex.

Thank fuck for that.

It hadn’t been all that concerning. Not that part, anyway. At least two of my four drunken kisses have been with a guy. Almost always initiated by me. I’m pretty sure I’m straight-curious on a subconscious level.

Etna’s idea of splitting up tasks was exactly what I needed. I feel far more relaxed and confident about the sex thing, and I’ve learned a lot. Things you don’t think about when you’re having straight sex. I’m both intimidated and excited.

Which means my brain has now become hyperfocused on falling in love with my best friend.

I glance up, raising my eyes above my tablet. We’re in the living room of his house today. I think we’ve both been consciously giving living here a try, and yes, it’s far more practical.

Sure, we do just fine living in small spaces together. But when we have our friends over for games, my place is too small and crowded. When we want our families to come down and stay, my house has a single, tiny guest room and there’s not a lot of room for anything else.

Etna’s house is the smarter option, with three guest rooms and over 3,000 square feet of indoor space. Even without mentioning the double lot of land his house sits on and the very large pool outside, or the outdoor living space with kitchen, dining, and living areas.

He wasn’t wrong. He bought it for very practical reasons that didn’t take away from his ability to enjoy life, either.

However, I think he’s right. Our hearts are on the lake. That’s where our toys are. That’s where we like to spend our downtime.

Etna is reclining on the couch on his own tablet. I watch him, wondering if someday I’ll be brave enough to cuddle up with him. As I study him, I decide I’ve watched enough gay porn to know he’d be a hit. Guys would eat him up over and over again.

I’ve definitely scored here.

A grin climbs my face, though I don’t look away. The more I watch him, the more I think that one day I will be in love with him. I want to be. I want the best of both kinds of marriage—practical and one of love. That can happen, can’t it?

Etna looks up and my heart jumps into my throat at being caught staring. He gives me a smirk. I must look like a deer caught in headlights. My eyes even feel wide and round to myself, so I can only imagine how I’m looking at him.

“You ready?” he asks.

Today is the day we’re exchanging lists. I nod. Yes. That’s totally the reason I’m staring. I was trying to figure out if he was ready.

“Come over here then.”

Dropping my feet to the ground, I cross the space until I’m sitting beside him. Am I too close? Fuck, I’ve never thought about that before. How close do I normally sit beside Etna?

He leans closer and shares his screen, using his finger to show me the list that goes on and on. Setting my tablet down, I take his and read the first few lines. They seem easy enough. Get engaged. Duh. Share the news. Take engagement photos.

I look at Etna, perplexed.

“I was going to leave out some of the things I thought were ridiculous, but on the chance that you might want to do them, I decided to include everything. Keep scrolling.”

Out of curiosity, I scroll down to find the bottom. Down and down and down. “What the fuck?” I say. It takes me like eight full screen swipes until it stops moving. “Seriously?”

“I’m going to go out on a limb here and say we can probably delete like half this shit. There are some very strange things on here that I have to assume are from an older, more traditional time period. Like a hope chest—I’m not even sure what that is. There are things about asking the bride’s father for his blessing and whose side of the family is supposed to contribute what. Who’s supposed to handle which parts of the wedding—parents, mind you.” Etna shakes his head.

“Can we just do it ourselves?” I ask. “No offense, but I don’t trust my parents to plan my wedding.”

“Oh, same. I’d ask Eddy to help because she knows me inside and out, but yeah, no.”

“And… since there are no brides, should we be asking for blessings? Going to be honest, the only thing I can hear in my head—having never met your parents, so this isn’t a reflection of my opinion about them—is someone saying you want my blessing to turn my son gay?”

Etna’s hand lands on my leg and he squeezes. “That’s not going to happen, Keno.”

“I know there are a lot of happy stories. Happy endings. Lots of support and love and… the way it should be. But there are easily an equal number of really ugly, horrible stories about when someone comes out to their parents. I don’t think that’s going to be the case for me, but fuck, what if it is?”

“It won’t be. But if it is with anyone at all , I’m right here. We have a big network of friends who we know will support us. I know my parents will, without question.”

“It’s weird thinking about it because I’m not gay. Yet, I’m going to be coming out like I am. That’s a very… strange, out- of-body experience as it unfolds. Like I’m watching it happen, unsure what to do?”

“You want to rethink this?” Etna asks.

I drop my hand to his and grip him fiercely. “No. Never.”

He presses his shoulder against mine. “We’ll work through it together. Just like we do everything else. But for the record, I don’t think you’re going to have that issue with anyone who matters.”

I nod.

“Also, I think you need to give sexuality a little more attention. We’re not coming out as gay at all, bro. We’re coming out as bisexual.”

“I feel like that’s a lie, too. I don’t like girls and guys.” I press my lips together. “And that’s also a lie, so I guess I’m not sure what the truth is.”

“The truth is that it doesn’t matter. You can call your sexuality yellow and that’s perfectly acceptable. You’re going to hear opinions, but they don’t get to tell you whether how you identify is right or wrong, Keno. Only you can decide that.”

“Are you going to tell your parents and our friends and whatever that you’re bi?”

Etna nods. “Yes. I did some reading, and I called Lo last week when I didn’t find exactly what I was looking for. Sexuality—no matter what you’re identifying as—is a spectrum. A grayscale. One side is heterosexual, and one side is homosexual. You are only attracted to girls at one end and only attracted to boys at the other. But if you’re attracted to even a single person of the same sex, you can—if you choose—identify as bisexual. I’m no longer in the absolute black, but now I’m just a tint of a shade into the gray.”

“You’re attracted to a dude?” I ask.

He grins. “I’m marrying a dude,” he answers, shrugging. “And we’re planning sex stuff, right?”

I nod, cheeks burning. What is wrong with me? We’ve totally talked about sex before. Sure, not with each other, but for fuck’s sake, Keno, get your shit together!

“I think that’s a little in the gray for me.”

“You sound unfazed.”

“I am,” Etna admits. “To tell you the truth, your gender didn’t factor into this at all when I thought about marrying you after you jokingly brought it up. I’m aware you’re a guy. I’m aware you have a dick and what that would mean in the big picture. But it wasn’t a factor. My biggest fear was suggesting it for real and fucking up our friendship if you became horrified by the idea.”

“You can’t think I’d be horrified. I brought it up.”

“You joked about it.”

I nod. Yeah, I guess.

“Look, as far as sexuality goes, look into it. You’re now connected to a ton of queer men and if I recall, there’s at least, like, three bisexuals and pansexuals in that Gays Can Play thing, right?”

Chuckling, I nod. “Yeah. Off the top of my head—Max, Egon, Deryke, Owen, Hector… I might be missing someone.”

“Ren. You didn’t mention him. Isn’t he somewhere in there?” Etna asks.

“I’ve only met him once in passing. But yeah, I guess so.”

“Oh, and I think I just read an article where Hugo Bladen announced he’s actually pansexual, not bisexual,” Etna says.

I lean back on the couch a little more comfortably. There are definitely some people to talk to. It means admitting the truth that I let the media label my sexuality and didn’t bother to contest it. Which I suppose might say a lot about myself, right?

“Your turn,” Eta says, pulling his tablet from my hands.

I reach for mine and turn it on, bringing up my own list and handing him the device. Because I’m waiting for him to get to the parts I wasn’t sure were necessary to add, I’m watching his face more than how he’s scrolling through the screen.

“What’s sounding?” Etna asks.

It’s really fucking hard to keep a straight face. “When you put something into your penis. They get progressively fatter. There are also ribbed ones.”

He looks at me with horror. “What?”

I laugh. “Okay, so I’ll admit that a lot of these things probably don’t belong on the list. However, they were repeat results when I looked up anything having to do with gay sex, though I really don’t think a lot of them are necessarily gay at all. Sounding doesn’t even need a partner, so… yeah.”

“I don’t know what half these words mean,” he admits.

“Which are you looking at?”

“Frotting. Rimming. I think I know what fisting is, but… yeah, nope. Not my ass.”

I laugh. “Frotting is like dry humping, though you can totally do it naked. Dicks together and shit. It looks really hot.”

My mouth shuts abruptly after the last words come out of my mouth. I just said that out loud. Oh, no. Oh no!

Etna doesn’t react, though. Either he didn’t hear it, or he’s reading the room and knows I’m slightly freaking out. When he doesn’t say anything, nor does he look at me, I answer the second thing.

“Rimming would be like eating out a girl, but… a guy’s ass.”

His eyes widen as he looks at me. “You’re kidding, right? They do that?”

I laugh. “Yes. And guys seem to really like it. On both ends—giving and receiving.” I’m not sure he believes me. I laugh some more.

“Uh… no offense, but I’m probably not going to do that.”

At the end of the list are a few other things I copied and pasted onto it. A diet and nutrition schedule for someone who bottoms a lot. How to clean and prep for bottoming. How to prep properly for anal. And of course, some different sex positions.

Etna studies the entire list like he’s going to be tested. He doesn’t look up until he’s reached the bottom.

“Okay,” he says at last. “So… what first?”

“From which list?”

He snorts. “Both. Either.” Etna shakes his head.

“I think maybe we should tell our families first before we… do much. Right? Maybe narrow down both lists a bit and get rid of things we know we’re not doing.”

He nods. “We’ll do that together, and yes. We have what, three days off for Christmas? As much as I’d like to spend it with you, I think maybe this is the time to tell our families.”

“It sucks not to do it together, though, right?” I ask, frowning.

“Definitely. I’m not sure what our other options are, but I’m open to them.”

I nod.

“I think since that’s only just over a week away, we can spend the time weeding through our lists and maybe putting them in some kind of order? For the wedding stuff, we definitely need an order. Some things need to take place before others. I also think maybe there’s some sort of natural progression with sex stuff too. Bases and all that shit to hit before we slide home.”

A snort of laughter escapes as I shake my head. “Yes, right.”

“Also, we should have our test results back by then and pack up our shit and list our homes. You saw the email regarding the real estate agent I found, right? He’s pretty fluent in selling ‘ celebrity ’ homes.” Etna puts air quotes around the word celebrity.

“Yes. I’m good with him.”

“Cool. Then we’ll give him a call tomorrow.”

“I found two homes on this lake that we can look at, too. I already put in a call about them.”

“Sweet.”

Silence fills the room for a minute. We’re still leaning against each other, his shoulder against mine. I wonder if he’s feeling the same… bigness that I am right now.

“This is really happening,” I murmur.

“You scared?” he asks.

“A little.”

“Yeah, same.” He places his hand on my leg again and I get a strange, warm sense that it’s the equivalent of a hug with the way it spreads through me when he leans in a little more. Pressing more of himself against me. “But I’m also really, really fucking happy we’re doing this, Keno.”

I look at him, meeting his eyes. “Me too.”

“For the record, I don’t think I’m going to have an issue getting hard for most of this,” Etna says, lifting my tablet to indicate what he’s referring to. There’s a playful smile on his lips.

Fuck, the things it does to me!