Page 49 of Fear of Love (Falling #3)

LYDIA

I glared at my phone, willing it to ring. Two days passed since I last spoke to Landon. Two days since he walked away. I wish I was angry over him not calling or texting me, but I did this to myself. I really had no one else to blame.

I wanted nothing more than to contact him, but seeing as my text yesterday went unanswered, I didn’t think he’d answer. The moment he walked away, I knew I fucked up. All he asked was for me to open up and tell him about Jared and my past. Like a complete idiot, I decided not to.

My hand pulsed, but I ignored it. I did a shit job at keeping up with my meds for the pain, almost like it was penance for hurting Landon. I even had to force myself to eat, thanks to the rock in my stomach.

“Hey.” Susie, my head editor, appeared in the doorway of my office, making me jump in my chair. “Sorry.” She gave me a sheepish smile.

Pretending that I wasn’t longingly staring at my phone, I turned to face her. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to see if you had the article for the animal sanctuary. For some reason, I can’t find it,” she stated.

“Yeah, I’ll send it over to you right now.” It would give me something to do other than think about Landon. Which I’d done all day instead of actually working.

“Thanks.” She started to slip out the door before pausing. “You okay?”

“I’m all good, just busy with the upcoming issue.” I didn’t even believe the lie. “I’ll see you at the wedding, right?”

“Yeah, we’ll be there.”

After Susie left, I turned back to my computer, trying my hardest not to look at my phone for the hundredth time. Sending the animal sanctuary article over only took two seconds, and then I was back where I began.

I leaned back in my chair, letting out an audible groan.

I didn’t know what to do. Everything was a major clusterfuck, and I didn’t know how to fix it.

I knew I told Landon I didn’t want anyone to know we were messing around, but all I wanted was to talk to my girls, even if they gave me shit for sneaking around behind their backs.

Unable to sit any longer, I sent a text to Josie.

Lydia: Would it be okay if I came over?

Josie texted back almost instantly.

Josie: Of course. Everything okay?

Lydia: I’ll tell you when I get there.

I quickly texted Susie to tell her I was leaving, and that once everyone was finished with their work, they could leave as well.

When she replied and asked why, I kept it vague.

Within minutes, I had my purse and phone in hand as I hightailed it out of my office.

I felt my employees eyes on me as I all but ran out of the building to my car.

The guilt I felt keeping this secret from my best friends grew tenfold as I drove toward Josie’s. Between that, and the thought of losing Landon for good, my chest feel like someone was squeezing it in their fist. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was having a heart attack.

I didn’t realize I had gotten so used to spending my days with Landon—meeting up after work, going over to the rink to watch him teach the kids to skate. It had all become part of my routine.

How had two months already passed? How had I fallen for him so quickly? The answers came before I even asked the questions. I fell for Landon long before ever admitting it to myself.

By the time I pulled up to Josie’s building, I was on the verge of crying. The elevator ride felt like it took ages as I blinked away the tears. My chest felt like it was caving in under the weight of it all.

The moment Josie opened her door, I lost the battle of keeping my emotions in.

“I messed up, Jo,” I cried, tears falling down my face.

“Oh, Lyd.” She tugged me through the door and into a hug. I was beyond caring how pathetic I looked as I clung to Josie.

“Oh, sweetie.” I felt two more sets of hands rubbing my back. I didn’t have to look to know Tasha and Mila were here as well. I wasn’t surprised. Josie probably texted them an SOS after I said I was coming. The first red flag was probably me leaving work at two o’clock in the afternoon.

“I’ll get us some wine,” Tasha said before heading for the kitchen while Josie, Mila, and I made our way into the living room. Wyatt stood off to the side, eyes darting between us like he wasn’t sure what to do.

I would have laughed at his expression if I didn’t see the similarities he shared with his brother. Instead, it just made fresh tears roll down my cheeks.

Josie shot him a look. “Babe, it’s girl time.”

“I’m just gonna…” He jerked his thumb toward the door. Within seconds, he had his jacket and keys in hand before he left. Once he was gone, I took a seat on the couch, Mila taking my purse and putting it off to the side.

“Want to tell us what happened?” Mila asked softly, rubbing my back as I used my left hand to wipe my face. Tasha appeared with four empty wine glasses in hand, a full bottle tucked under her arm.

They all crowded around me, offering silent support. They handed me a glass and filled it while I tried to decide where to start. There was so much to say but all I could think about was them hating me for keeping it from them.

“Lydia,” Josie prodded gently.

The words slipped out. “I’m in love with Landon.”

All three of them were silent. Their eyes wide but not looking as surprised as I thought they would. I waited for them to say something.

“That’s…” Mila started, only to pause.

“Okay…” Tasha gave a small nod, also not sure what to say.

“Want to start from the beginning?” Josie offered, looking confused as to why I was so upset.

“For the past two months, Landon and I have been hanging out.”

“Hanging out as in…” Tasha prodded.

“Hooking up,” I said quietly. I wanted for them to show their upset, or at least be surprised, but instead, they seemed… happy?

“Why aren’t you guys freaking out?” I questioned, looking at each of them. They really weren’t surprised?

“Oh, hun.” Mila squeezed my knee. “You guys aren’t as sly as you think. At the hockey game, you two were basically eye fucking each other. Landon barely looked away from you.”

“And at the after party, both you and Landon suddenly disappeared. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together.” Tasha sent me a sympathetic look.

I shouldn’t have been surprised they figured it out. I mean, we had a whole group chat- Bang Bet Club- dedicated to betting on Tasha and Trevor, so of course they were onto me. Every time I made up an excuse, they knew I was lying and with Landon.

“Why aren’t you guys mad?”

“Why would we be?” Josie looked at me with raised eyebrows. “We’ve been waiting for you two to get together for two years now.”

“You’ve both had this love-hate relationship going since you met,” Tasha pointed out.

“Is that why you’re upset? Because you didn’t tell us?” Mila asked.

“No. I mean, it’s part of it.” My gaze went back to my untouched wine, tears once again pricking my eyes. “I think I lost him.”

They stayed silent as I opened up and told them everything from the beginning.

Who Jared really was and what exactly happened six years ago, the first night Landon and I slept together, how he was the one who took me to the hospital and stayed by my side for forty-eight hours, and finally, the conversation Landon and I had two nights ago.

“Lydia.” The tone from Josie was enough to tell me I royally fucked up and not just with Landon. “Why didn’t you tell any of us this?”

My left hand played with the edge of the cast, eyes downcast.

“I don’t know. I guess I just never wanted to think about it.” Now that I told them about my past, I didn’t know why I kept it a secret. Just getting it off my chest made me feel lighter. I held everything in for so long that I forgot what it was like not to struggle alone.

“If I had known, I wouldn’t have forced you to do all these things for the wedding,” Josie started to say, but I quickly shook my head.

“No, don’t. It’s my fault for not saying anything sooner.

You can’t read my mind.” I reached out and squeezed her hand.

“Helping with the wedding was never a problem.” It might have brought up unwanted memories, but I’d never not help my best friend marry the love of her life, regardless of my past.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner,” I apologized.

“Don’t be. We all have our own baggage. You should never feel like you have to share if you don’t want to,” Tasha said, her inner counselor coming out. “But the real question is why didn’t you tell Landon?”

“I don’t know.” I wish I had an actual reason for why I didn’t.

“Can I say something from an outside perspective?” Mila asked. At my nod, she moved to fully face me on the couch.

“I think you are so scared of everyone leaving that you push them away before they can. You’ve always had walls up, and as soon as someone gets close to them, you back away.

It’s not a bad thing,” she quickly added, “but sometimes you need to trust that the person you’re with isn’t going to leave.

You need to trust that we,” Mila gestured to Josie and Tasha, “aren’t going to leave. We’re here for the long haul.”

“Your three-month free trial ended years ago,” Tasha joked.

“And same goes for Landon.” Josie took over.

“He might be an asshole at times, but he isn’t the type to bail.

Hell, look at what he’s done for his family.

He could have easily left when he went to uni, but he stayed around to take care of Evelyn, Wyatt, and Mateo.

He worked a shitty job just so Wyatt could live his dream. ”

I knew what she was saying was true, but that stupid voice in my head kept saying, ‘no, he’s going to leave you like everyone else.

’ Years of being alone, of being left by anyone I got close to, made my walls sky high.

Made it so I didn’t trust people easily.

I knew it wasn’t healthy but having something so engrained in me it was hard to stop being that way.

I didn’t want to be like that anymore, though. I didn’t want to push everyone away. I kept these three amazing women at arm’s length, and yet, they were still here, dropping everything for me.

“I’m sorry for being so distant.” Once again, tears filled my eyes. All I did the last few days was cry, and I hated it.

“Don’t be sorry.” Mila shot me a soft smile.

“We love you.” Josie wrapped her arms around my shoulders before Mila and Tasha tackled me into a hug. I squeezed them all tighter, vowing to be a better friend.

Once we were all settled back into the couch, Mila asked, “What are you going to do?”

“I have no clue.”

“You need to ask yourself three questions.” At Tasha’s words, I turned my head to look at her, waiting for her to continue. “Are you over Jared?” When I opened my mouth to say ‘hell yes,’ Tasha put her hand up to stop me.

“I don’t mean if you’re still in love with him. I mean, are you over what he did to you? You need to accept it happened and decide if you’re going to continue letting it affect you. You don’t need to forgive him. You don’t need forgiveness to move on.” Tasha’s words pierced my chest.

She was right. I needed to accept the past and move on from it. I needed to stop letting it control my life.

“Then you need to ask if you love Landon. If you can see yourself with him.”

I knew I was falling for him, but was I in love with him? I knew the answer.

“And finally, if you are in love with him, what are you going to do to get him back?”