Page 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Suki

“What’s that glow under your covers?”

I know exactly what it is. Charlotte is supposed to be off her phone and in bed by nine thirty, but it’s not the first time I’ve caught her on it when I snuck up to her door to check in on her around 10:00 p.m.

The glow quickly disappears. “It’s nothing.”

I step into her room, closing the door so I know the other girls can’t hear me. I hate having to be stern with the girls, but sometimes it’s necessary. “Hey, I don’t lie to you. Please treat me with the same respect I treat you with.”

There’s a pause, and then, “I was on my phone. Sorry, Suki.”

“I appreciate the honesty. If it happens again, I’m going to start taking your phone away every night at nine.”

She sighs. “Okay.”

“Night, Charlotte.”

“Good night.”

I leave her room, holding back a smile. Charlotte reminds me so much of my brother Nate. When my mom married my stepdad when I was three, my stepdad was a widowed father of three boys, and Nate’s the middle one. He pushed our parents’ boundaries as far as he could, but he was still a good kid.

I peek into Hallie’s room and see she’s curled up on her side with her arms wrapped around her favorite stuffed bear, George. I tiptoe in and cover her back up, then pull her door almost all the way closed. She likes me to leave it cracked with the hallway light on in case she wakes up and gets scared.

We had a quiet evening at home. I made beef stew and mashed potatoes for dinner and helped all three of them with homework, and then we watched The Great British Baking Show , our new before-bed ritual. We all get into Carter’s king-size bed and snuggle up under the covers with popcorn.

Olivia seemed down tonight. So even though she’s in bed with the lights out, I walk into her room to check on her. She seems to be sleeping soundly, and I’m about to turn around and leave the room when I see her shoulders shudder slightly.

“Olivia?” I rush to crouch beside her. “What’s wrong?”

My heart races with fear that she’s having a seizure, but then I see that she’s crying. She sniffles and wipes her cheeks with her fingers.

“I’m fine.”

I reach over to her bedside table and switch on the lamp. Her splotchy face is illuminated by the light’s soft glow.

“You aren’t fine. What’s going on?” I stroke a hand over her head, smoothing her hair.

“Tomorrow’s my birthday,” she says softly.

My eyes fly open in alarm. Why the hell didn’t Carter tell me? He was supposed to be home from his road trip by five this evening, but he texted me that his team was having plane issues and it would be more like eleven. I was planning to go sleep at home and come back in the morning, but if I’d known tomorrow was Olivia’s birthday, I would have been planning for it today.

I have no gifts for her. No cake. I imagine myself giving Carter the dick punch he deserves, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.

I’ll figure something out tomorrow. For now, I have to figure out why Olivia is so upset.

“Are you unhappy about your birthday?” I ask gently.

Fresh tears well in her eyes and she whispers, “I don’t want a birthday without my mom.”

It guts me. Seeing the girls mourn a mom who so obviously loved them more than anything is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

“Did your mom make your birthdays special?”

“Yeah. She always sings us ‘Happy Birthday’ at the exact time we were born. I was born at 4:24 p.m.”

When I feel like I don’t know how to handle the grief the girls are going through, I ask myself what my mom would do. She always told me not to shove my feelings down. To feel them, good or bad.

I sit on the edge of Olivia’s bed, turning to face her. “That had to be one of the happiest moments of her life. Meeting you for the first time.”

She sniffles. “She was in labor for sixteen hours. She cried when she held me.”

“I think your mom would still want you to have a birthday, even if she can’t be here to celebrate it with you.”

I can tell she’s holding back tears as she responds. “I’ll just think about her and cry.”

I put a hand on her shoulder. “That’s okay. My dad died when I was one. I don’t remember him, but I still cry when I see pictures of him and think about him.”

“Really?”

“My mom says sometimes tears are love overflowing out of you.”

“I miss my mom.”

“What would feel better for you? A birthday like you would have celebrated with your mom, or something different?”

She considers. “Something different.”

“How about if you stay home from school tomorrow and we start your birthday with some chocolate chip waffles?”

She’s quiet for so long I think she’s going to say no, but finally, she says, “I like waffles.”

“Then waffles it is.” I don’t usually hug and kiss Olivia, but something makes me lean down and kiss the top of her head. “And then we’ll do whatever sounds fun to you.”

I stand up and smooth a hand over the covers she has pulled up over her shoulders. I wish I had something wise and comforting to say, but I think I should let her feel sad. Hopefully I can make tomorrow into more than a day she just gets through.

“Good night,” I say softly.

“Night, Suki.”

I switch off the lamp and leave the room, closing the door behind me. When I get downstairs to the kitchen, I unload the dishwasher and wipe down the counters.

Though I know I should sit down and relax, I can’t. I’m too angry at Carter. I don’t know which will piss me off more--if he doesn’t know tomorrow is Olivia’s birthday or if he knows and forgot to tell me.

It’s no wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He’s too self-centered to think of anyone else’s wants and needs. The guy probably looks at selfies when he jerks off.

I want to rant over this to Mara, but that’ll just get me even more worked up. So, I organize the pantry instead. The pantry is bigger than my bathroom at my apartment, but Carter doesn’t have anything sorted. He’s clearly a bulk shopper; there are cases stacked on cases of Goldfish crackers, fruit snacks and juice boxes.

The mental image of Carter pushing a flatbed through Costco and loading it up with the girls’ favorite snacks softens me slightly.

No, Suki. No softening. He deserves a swift fist to the dick. Full stop.

I lose track of time, and when he walks from the door connecting the garage to the kitchen a little after eleven, the kitchen table is filled with things I moved there so I can organize.

His brow furrows as he says, “Hey.”

“Hi.” My tone is crisp, but I’m proud of how little bite it has. I’m so restrained.

“How are the girls?”

“Good. Olivia’s pretty upset about tomorrow, though.”

The wrinkle between his brows deepens. “What’s going on tomorrow?”

I narrow my eyes in an icy glare. “Her birthday.”

His eyes widen and he takes a couple seconds to respond. “Fuck. Her birthday.”

“You completely forgot?” I whisper-hiss, walking over to him with a less-than-restrained scowl. “You are mind-blowingly selfish. Like...how do you even do it?” I throw my hands in the air. “Do you practice this level of arrogance, or are you just gifted?”

His lips part with surprise as he returns my glare. “Do you usually talk to your bosses this way?”

“My boss .” I roll my eyes and cross my arms. “Fire me if you want--it would be another staggeringly selfish move on your part. I never met Rachel, but I guarantee she’d be letting you have it right now if she were here.”

He flinches and I feel a little guilty. I’ve spent the past hour getting angrier and angrier and I just unleashed a fire hose of fury on him. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose.

“Okay, you’re right,” I say softly. “That wasn’t my place.”

He puts a palm up, looking sheepish. “No, you’re right. I should have put calendar reminders on my phone. I’ll do that before I go to bed tonight.”

I nod, a little lightheaded as it sinks in that I didn’t just get myself fired from the job I desperately need.

“I told her she can miss school tomorrow and I’ll make her favorite waffles and take her to do whatever sounds fun.”

“Is she upset because she knows I forgot about it?”

My heart sinks as I remember finding Olivia crying. “No, she was very upset when I went to check on her at ten and that’s why I found out tomorrow is her birthday. She said she doesn’t want to have a birthday without her mom.”

Emotions flood Carter’s eyes and he looks away. It hits me that my assumptions about him were wrong. He’s devastated--about his sister, the pain her oldest daughter is in, or both.

He clears his throat. “If you can give me two hours, I’ll make an appearance at practice and then spend the day with her.”

“I don’t mind doing it. I’ll make sure she has fun.”

He nods. “I know you would. Honestly, Suki...” He still can’t meet my eyes. “You’re the best thing that has happened for the girls since Rachel died.” He clears his throat again and I realize he’s trying to keep himself from crying. “I appreciate everything you do for them and I know I should be telling you that. I want to do whatever I can to have a special day with Olivia.”

That’s...not the callous response I was expecting. “I think that’s a great idea.”

He nods and meets my gaze. I notice the dark circles beneath his eyes for the first time and can’t help feeling sympathy for him. He looks like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“Is there...anything else I can help with?” I ask.

He scoffs, a corner of his lips lifting in a smile. “You want to marry me?”

I tilt my head, confused. “Sorry, what?”

He sighs heavily and walks over to the fridge to get some water. Then he comes over to me, speaking in a low tone meant only for the two of us.

“The girls’ dad hasn’t seen them since Hallie was a baby. He’s a complete deadbeat. Never helped Rachel with anything after he left. My attorney told me I should adopt the girls to protect against him coming after them in the future, and he’s fighting it. He says he wants full custody--in Alaska, with him and his girlfriend.”

My jaw drops. “Alaska? No. You can’t let this happen. The girls are already having a hard enough time.”

“I know. And I know I’m not...nurturing or whatever, but the girls will always be my priority. I don’t date and I don’t plan to as long as I’m raising them. I’ll do anything to keep them safe and happy.”

I’m so floored by the bombshell he just dropped that I don’t even react to his assessment of himself as not nurturing or whatever . “Why does their father have this sudden interest? Where has he been all these years?”

Carter’s gaze darkens. “Money. He wants my sister’s life insurance money.”

“I’m not a violent person, but I’m feeling very violent at this moment.”

“Yeah, I felt the same way when I heard. My attorney told me I need to have my aunt come for a weekend visit as soon as possible to beef up my case that I have family around, and that if I have a girlfriend I’ve considered marrying, now is the time.”

“What? No! Carter, you can’t marry some random woman the girls don’t even know. That’s--”

I gesture wildly, unable to think of a strong enough word.

“I know,” he interjects. “That’s why I thought of you.”

I just gape at him. “You were serious? I thought that was a stressed-out quip.”

“I don’t know what else to do. Nancy--she’s the weekend nanny--she...well, I don’t know how to be tactful about it. She has a big hairy mole on her cheek and she’s pushing sixty years old. No one would buy me marrying her.”

I laugh. “You could tell them she’s the only one who will put up with your personality.”

He frowns. “I guess the gloves are staying off, then. Great.”

I shrug. “The gloves can go back on when you get your shit together.”

“Do I seem like I have any hope of that?”

“I mean...not at all.”

He sighs softly. “Just give it some thought. I thought about it the whole way home, and it could work. It would just be a marriage on paper to us, but we would have to sell it to everyone else. We could definitely handle that. And the girls love you.”

“Right, but it’s marriage . That’s real.”

“I’ll pay you. A lot. And we can quietly divorce in a year or two--after the adoption is finalized.”

I can’t help it--the mention of money makes my ears perk up. I’m more than a hundred and eighty thousand dollars in debt, thanks to Tyler and his adult toy disaster.

But the girls. I have to think of the girls. “Don’t you think it would be hard for the girls to lose their stepmom when we divorced?”

Carter’s expression is grim. “I know, I don’t want that for them, either. But I have to go with the best of two imperfect scenarios. Rachel wanted me to raise them if she couldn’t. She knew what a douchebag Chad is.”

I just look at him, running out of arguments against this insane idea.

His tone is imploring when he says, “Think about it, okay? I’ll pay you five hundred thousand dollars if you do it. It’s not about me or you. It’s about the girls. I’d marry a fucking chair to keep them here instead of Alaska.”

“You really know how to sweet-talk a girl.” I roll my eyes again. “I’ll think about it, but...I’ll think about it. That’s all I’m saying right now. Give me a couple of days.”

I can’t marry Carter. It’s the craziest thing anyone’s ever suggested to me.

But...a lot of money is on the line. And more importantly, the futures of the three little girls I’ve already grown to love.

I have to at least think about it.