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CHAPTER NINETEEN

Suki

Even putting away the laundry is better when you’re having lots of great sex. I can’t help smiling as I stack clean, folded pairs of pants in Hallie’s dresser.

I hired an artist to paint a mural on one wall of her bedroom, but we’re still deciding what kind of mural she wants. Her first choice was a mural of Darling with a unicorn horn and a tutu.

Carter was...less than keen on the idea. I told Hallie a mural isn’t something we’ll be changing anytime soon, and it needs to be something she will want in her room for the next few years. She insists she could never tire of anything with Darling on it. We’re at an impasse.

I pick up the toys scattered on her floor and put them in the basket in the corner.

When I get to Charlotte’s room, she’s lying in bed with headphones on, watching something on her iPad. I stack her clean laundry on her dresser for her to put away herself.

Olivia has started doing her own laundry, so I don’t even have to stop by her room. She’s over at a friend’s house for the afternoon.

It’s Sunday, which is becoming my favorite day of the week. I have a beef roast in the slow cooker to make beef enchiladas out of for dinner. Now that the laundry is done, I have about an hour to read.

Picking up little bits of hay from the floor doesn’t even bug me today because I am a thoroughly sexed woman. Orgasms are a daily thing instead of a rarity, like a full moon. I get it all: dirty talk, kisses, poundings and snuggles.

And I’ve learned my lesson on the hay. I got rid of it because it’s too messy. I wanted Darling to have some of the things outdoor pigs have, but he’ll have to settle for just his romps in the mud.

He’s currently caked in it after rolling around in mud during an unusually warm January day on our walk earlier. I normally give him baths, but since today is Carter’s day off, I delegated it to him.

There was only a split second of hesitation before he agreed. He knows better than to bite the hand that jerks him.

When I walk into the family room, humming “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift, I stop the moment I see Carter and Hallie.

He’s sitting on the floor with his legs crossed in front of him, his back against the couch and his gaze on the big-screen TV. Hallie is sitting on a little stool beside him, using dark pink lipstick to color Carter’s nose.

It looks like she went through an entire tube. She drew hearts on his cheeks with it and colored in his entire forehead. His eyelids are covered in something blue and glittery. She used the lipstick to draw long earrings down his earlobes to the side of his neck.

“Doesn’t Uncle Carter look beautiful?” Hallie says, grinning.

“Um...yes, he does.”

Carter glances at me. “She wanted to give me a makeover and I said she could if I could watch the game while she does it.”

I arch my brows and reach into the pocket of my lightweight sweatpants for my phone.

“Can I get a picture of you two?”

Carter lowers his brows. “Only if it stays on your phone and is never posted anywhere.”

“Okay, deal.”

Hallie looks proud of her makeup artistry as she sits down in Carter’s lap, putting an arm around his shoulder. He smiles, too. I feel a pang of wishing Rachel could see this.

“Okay, got my new screensaver,” I say lightly.

I walk into the kitchen, Darling following me. He’s wearing a doggie onesie covered with tacos today. I have to get in all the cute outfits I can before he outgrows the largest size made for dogs.

“Are you hungry, D-man? Do you want a snackie?”

He knows that word well. He snorts in approval and goes over to the pantry.

“Not this time,” I say, opening the refrigerator and taking out a container.

I’ve started keeping pureed pumpkin, roasted sweet potatoes and squash prepped for him. He doesn’t like them as much as Goldfish, but he doesn’t turn them down.

I fix him a plate and set it on the floor. He walks over to it, sniffs it, and then looks back at me.

“That’s my only offer,” I say, shrugging.

He scarfs it. I leave him in the kitchen and go up to the bedroom, eagerly anticipating my hour of reading.

Before I started working two jobs, I read every night. With two jobs, I was too tired. After a full day of caring for the girls and Darling, I’m usually too mentally tired to read. I either watch Carter’s games or scroll mindlessly until I fall asleep.

I lie down and open up the sci-fi romance paperback I’ve heard great things about. I’m about fifteen minutes into it when Carter comes into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

“How’s it going?” he asks.

“Good. How are you?”

He gestures at his face. “I’m gonna go wash this off.”

“Aw, what about Hallie’s hard work?”

“I let her take a picture. I never agreed to leave this shit on my face for hours.”

He goes into the bathroom and I hear him turn on the shower. Less than ten minutes later, he comes back into the bedroom, his face clean and his hair damp. He’s wearing a gray Penn State T-shirt and black athletic shorts. I like him this way, wearing his casual, around-the-house clothes that the rest of the world doesn’t get to see.

He lies down on his side, looking at me. “You’re sexy when you read.”

I look away from my book, smiling at him. “I feel like I’m sexy when you’re horny.”

“I’m horny a hundred percent of the time, so that tracks.”

“Are you angling for a quickie?”

“Nah. Not with the girls awake.”

“Maybe later.”

He hums his disapproval. “Won’t be a quickie, though. Take a nap and a multivitamin, baby, ’cause I need to make up for all the nights I’ll miss with you on my next road trip.”

Tyler used to call me “baby.” It feels different from Carter, but I still feel the stab of betrayal and anger I get every time I think of Tyler.

“I’m going back to the game,” he says, getting out of bed.

“Hey, don’t forget Darling’s bath.”

He groans. “Fuck. Fine. If you aren’t sure how much I love you, that should say it all.”

My heart pounds faster and I meet his gaze. He looks a little alarmed, but then his expression softens.

“Yeah. I do love you, Suki. I wanted to talk to you about us, actually.” He stands at the foot of the bed, crossing his arms. “This isn’t a one-year thing anymore. I want you to stay.”

My brows shoot up. “Stay?”

Aggravation flickers over his face for a split second before he schools his expression back to neutral. “Yeah. Neither one of us is faking anything anymore. I love our family and I want it to be permanent. Don’t you feel the same way?”

I set my book down and take a deep breath. “Where is this coming from? It’s only been a couple of months and we just started sleeping together a few days ago.”

He knits his brows together, the aggravated expression back. “So what? I don’t need any more time to know what I want.”

I pull my knees up to my chest, emotions warring inside me. I swore to myself I’d never blindly fall hard and fast for a man again. I was so depressed and humiliated after Tyler left me it took months to start feeling like myself again.

“I love the girls, and I probably love you, too. But I?—”

“Probably?” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “What the fuck, Suki? I’ve done everything the right way. I haven’t even looked at another woman, I spend all my free time with you guys and I got you something nice for Christmas. What more do you want from me?”

I just look at him in disbelief. “Do you seriously think you get to decide this for me? Because you haven’t looked at another woman for two months , you spend all your free time at home—which you should do, Carter, it doesn’t make you a saint—and you bought me some jewelry?”

“It’s more than I’ve done for any other woman.” His tone is laced with bitterness, fueling my anger.

“I don’t care about other women. We got married because you needed me. It had nothing to do with your feelings for me.”

He puts his hands on his hips, scowling. “I didn’t have any feelings for you then. I do now.”

“Good for fucking you. What about my feelings?”

He scoffs. “Guess it’s good I’m seeing this side of you now. What the fuck? I tell you I love you and this is your reaction? Fuck me, it’s all about you?”

My pulse pounds as I walk closer to him, lowering my voice so the girls can’t hear our argument.

“True or false, Carter? Your feelings for me are at least partially based on how much the girls love me.”

He narrows his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Answer the question.”

“Yeah, it’s true. I love how you are with them. You’re the best thing that’s happened to them since they lost their mom.”

Tears spring to my eyes. It feels amazing to know he thinks that, but it also clouds his feelings for me.

“I don’t want you to be with me just because I’m a great choice to help you raise the girls.” I fight back the tears pooling in my eyes. “I want someone who is completely madly in love with me. Who wants me and no one else.”

“I want you and no one else.”

“How can you know that after two months in a fake marriage?”

He shrugs. “I just do.”

“What if you don’t feel that way in six months? Or in two years?”

“How can anyone know how they’ll feel in two years?”

I swipe the tears from the corners of my eyes. “Everything was going so well. Why did you have to blow it up like that?”

His eyes bulge. “Blow it up? By telling you I’m not faking it anymore and I really do want you to keep being my wife? By telling you I love you? And then you tell me you probably love me. But I’m the one who blew it up.”

“I’m not getting burned again.” My voice breaks with emotion. “You want me to jump in with both feet a few days after we started this thing for real. That’s not fair.”

“I’m not him, Suki. Judge me for my actions alone.”

“I’m not the starry-eyed twenty-two-year-old I was when I met him. We’re shaped by the things that happen to us, good and bad.”

With a bitter one-note hum, he says, “So I have to deal with you not trusting me because of what he did. I have to fix what he broke. Is that what you’re saying?”

His being pissed off about my brokenness is the final straw for me. I point at the closet.

“One of us is packing a bag and going somewhere else for the night. Is it me or you?”

“Oh, okay. Now you want me to leave my own house?”

I walk over to the closet. “No problem, I’ll go.”

He follows me inside. “I’ll fucking go. I have to be at the arena in the morning anyway. I’ll stay at Bash’s.”

I walk out of the closet and out of the bedroom, needing to get away from him. I can’t believe how cold and harsh he was. All because I didn’t fall at his feet like he expected me to.

Fuck him. If he can’t meet me where I’m at and respect how I got here, I’m not even faking a relationship with him anymore. I won’t be able to stand even looking at him.