Page 9 of Emerald Moon (Pitch Mountain Pack #2)

six

Jo felt like they were moving through sludge on the path down to Violet Moon. The past few days had gone by in a blur of being busy at the bakery, sleeping on the couch after work, and going to bed earlier than usual without reading anything.

When they felt like this, they ran an internal systems check to see if everything was functioning correctly and if they were just in a funk or if this was a touch of a depressive episode.

That morning, they’d decided that while their confidence hadn’t taken a hit yet, they were running low on motivation to do anything they enjoyed, their mind felt foggy, their body was heavy, and staying awake was a chore.

Taking a shower and brushing their hair had been tossed out the window so they could focus on using what little energy they had to do what they needed to do.

Jo had no idea how, after all these years, these episodes still snuck up on them. They knew what to look for! Yet they never felt prepared for any of them. Maybe it was impossible to be ready.

The one upside the past few days had been texting with Cass.

Apparently Krista had informed her that calling in reply to a text wasn’t always the best thing to do, and they’d been texting throughout the day and into the night.

There was also the fact that Cass had suggested they start a shared playlist so she could listen to more Dolly Parton and Jo could hear more of what Cass was into.

They were texting about it as Jo walked to the bakery.

What was the one Dolly song about the coat?

Coat of Many Colors!

Oh that song rips my heart out in the best way

It makes me wish my family was better ha

Adding it to the playlist now! What are you adding?

Some Dvo?ák. Actually his entire American Quartet.

I listened to it once while driving through the Midwest and it was an experience.

I’m also adding some Japanese rock Krista introduced me to, too. And some Tegan and Sara. Actually, a lot, but I’m holding myself back. I’ve seen them in concert three times. I wish it was more.

You’ve probably already heard it all.

Add away!

Even if I’ve heard it, I’ll love it

The more, the merrier!

The exclamation points were a lie. Nothing about Jo felt like exclaiming at the moment, and nothing about them felt like having a shift at the bakery either.

They knew that they could explain that they were feeling awful and someone in the pack would cover for them, but it wasn’t like Jo was sick.

This was just what happened. Jo had highs.

Jo had lows. This was a low. Knowing it was happening didn’t make it any less bad, and there was no concoction of vitamins or exercise that would magically make everything better, no matter how many well-intentioned, but ultimately very annoying people might have told them so in the past. Medicine had absolutely helped — Jo would never willingly go back to how they were before — but it didn’t cure everything.

No, Jo just had to get through it. They’d sleep and stare into space instead of reading because they couldn’t focus, and one day they’d wake up a little better, then the next day a little better than that, and then they’d be back.

As they approached the bakery, they slowed, looking for Dolly. It was hot in the mid-afternoon sun, and Jo didn’t see her. They hoped she’d found a cool spot to lie down for a little while. Making a mental note to refill her water, they cracked open the back door.

They grabbed their clean apron from a hook by the door and dragged themselves over to their station where some strawberries were waiting for them.

Emmaline glanced up from her work. “Hey there, Jo.”

“Hey.”

She looked them up and down. “Have you eaten yet today?”

Jo’s eyes wandered to the left as they thought.

“Took too long, so the answer must be no. Go grab something out of the cases out front before you get started.”

“I’m alright. Promise.” Jo smiled physically, but didn’t feel it any other way.

“Nothing a slightly-stale hand pie can’t make better.” She made a shooing motion with her hands. “Scoot, scoot.”

Jo shuffled their feet through the swinging doors to the front. The noise hit them first. Jo had used to work out front — even enjoyed it at times — but now they couldn’t stand it, especially when they felt like they were floating outside of reality, untethered to anything real.

“Just grabbing a pie. Emmaline’s orders,” they said to Lock as they passed by.

He glanced their way in between customers. “Go for the turkey bacon or the cheddar ones. They’re the closest to being too stale to sell, but those two batches came out awesome this afternoon, so you should totally grab one.”

“Thanks!” They mustered all the cheer they could because they were genuinely grateful for everyone’s kindness, it was just hard to show it right now. Grabbing a turkey bacon hand pie, Jo gave Lock a pat on the back and returned to the peace of the kitchen.

They spent their shift trying as hard as they could to focus.

When Emmaline tried to chat, they did their best to sound like a regular person, but it was too hard to do both at the same time.

They got a lot less done than usual by the time Billie arrived, and guilt gnawed at their stomach. They were slowing everyone else down.

There was no way they were going to bake macarons tonight, so they hung their apron and stepped out into the dark, hoping to spot Dolly. The food they’d set out was gone, as was a good bit of the water, but there was no sign of the cat anywhere.

Jo sat in the grass and scrolled on their phone, waiting to catch sight of her.

The longer they waited, the more awful they felt.

It was silly, but they needed to pet that cat.

Dolly had apparently become an emotional support cat without either of them knowing it.

They were just about to leave when Jo felt a little head brush against the back of their arm.

“Oh thank goodness. There you are. You have no idea how much I needed to see you today.” Jo patted her fluffy head and scratched behind her ears as Dolly’s tail perked up.

Getting out some treats and toys, they told the white cat all about the past few days — how they felt awful, but the pack was full of kind people, and they’d been talking to a nice new friend named Cass.

“You’d like her. She’s very calm and level-headed. Not like me. But I guess she gets nervous like me, so maybe we’re not too different. I’m just, like, wild and trying to hide it when I’m nervous but she’s all chill and honest about it.”

Dolly crawled into their lap. Though it was still far too humid and hot outside to have a cat in their lap, even with the sun setting hours ago, Jo was more than happy to let her stay as long as she wanted to be there.

“You know what? I’m going to do it,” they said, petting her from her head down to her tail. “I’m going to ask Alpha Parisa if you can come live with us. I want you to have a home. With me.”

Jo was grateful for the quiet calm in their bedroom with Wil. They chatted as Wil worked on a new painting and Jo dozed on their bed after giving up on trying to read.

“You seemed to have made it through the day okay,” Wil said, putting a brush to her canvas, “but I know better than to trust how things seem. How are you really doing?”

They flopped an arm over the side of the bed and sighed.

“I feel like a steamroller ran me over, to be honest. Everything hurts, like, just a little, in a way where I’m like ‘is it all in my head or does stuff actually hurt?’ Trying to think right now is just not happening.

I want to read, but I can’t focus. And I feel super guilty about not pulling my weight in the pack today.

” They glanced over at Wil. “That about sums it up.”

She kept working on her painting. “If there’s one thing you don’t give yourself credit for, it’s how much you go through your day like you feel fine when you actually feel awful.

Which —“ She set down her brush and looked over at Jo. “I actually don’t know if I should encourage that or not. Seems to me like if you’re feeling bad, you could give yourself some grace. ”

“But I feel bad every other week or so. What am I going to do? Make everyone pick up my slack all the time?”

Wil shrugged. “Name one person in this pack who would mind helping you out.”

“Billie. Harry.” Jo puffed out a quiet laugh. “But no, you’re right. They’d put up a fuss, but they wouldn’t actually mind. Look, I know all that is rationally true, but it doesn’t change how I feel about everything.”

When they joined the pack, Jo ended up with the type of family they’d always wished for, but it didn’t mean they didn’t have twenty-nine years of experience prior to joining that had taught them they were responsible for themselves and couldn’t lean on anyone.

June had been there, to some degree, but as the older sibling, Jo had felt like they couldn’t burden June with what was bothering them, so they just kept going like everything was fine.

“I get it,” she said. “You know how bad I am at asking for help, myself. I just know good advice when I hear it, even if I don’t follow it.”

“Mood,” Jo agreed. “It’s so much easier to tell a friend to take care of themselves and do what they need to do, or not do something for a while, but doing it for yourself? Forget it.”

Their phone buzzed on the bed and Jo picked it up. It was Krista.

I miss you! Wanna go get coffee tomorrow before work?

It was tempting, but Jo barely had the energy to make it through work and their pack chores, let alone adding an outing with a friend. On the other hand, sometimes seeing a friend made the fog and the gloom a little more bearable.

Rain check? Not feeling the best right now

Jo sent the message and tossed the phone back on the bed.

As Wil got back to her painting, Jo figured the one thing they could do was add songs to their shared playlist with Cass — something besides Dolly. Maybe it was time to share some emo bands or some metal.

Scrolling through the list, it looked like Cass had added some earlier in the day — a violin concerto titled “Butterfly Lovers” and a bunch of what they recognized to be Motown favorites.

From “Baby I Need Your Loving” to “Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I’m Yours)”, the songs slipped in and out of their mind as they read the titles, each one lifting their mood a little.

Their eyes landed on the Marvin Gaye classic, “Let’s Get it On,” and they felt a swoop in their stomach that they blamed on the potential embarrassment of belting out the lyrics to this in the car with Cass one day.

Nope, that would be a hard skip. Not because it wasn’t a great song, but because that was something you listened to alone, not with a friend in the car, unless Jo wanted to get so red in the face that they ceased to be human.

Jo swapped back over to their own playlists for ideas and began adding some emo favorites, starting with “Welcome to the Black Parade” because they could identify that song from the very first note, so Cass needed to, too. They added several more, then got out their phone to text her.

I added more songs for you

Thanks for the ones you added!

Hope you have a good night!

“No, you know what? I’ve decided,” Wil said, breaking Jo’s train of thought.

“We both could stand to do better at asking for help. So I’m going to start and then you’re going to do it, too.

” She pointed her paintbrush in Jo’s direction.

“I’m participating in that big, group art show downtown in a few months and I want you to be there. Can you come?”

“Yeah, of course. I was going to come anyway, but now I’ll super promise to be there.” Jo usually went to Wil’s shows, but this was the first time she had asked for them to be there.

“Thanks. There’s someone in my artist group that’s got me a bit worked up and frustrated, and if you’re there, I’ll feel better. Your turn,” she kept pointing the paintbrush.

“I don’t need help.”

“Liar.” Wil laughed. “Try again.”

“Fine.” They thought about what could help them get through tomorrow.

“I can do my shift or I can do all my chores, but I can’t do both of them well.

If I do both, they’re getting done really half-assed, no matter how hard I try.

So —“ Jo groaned, not wanting to finish the sentence.

“Can the pack, like, figure out a way to help me with the chore part at least tomorrow?”

“Done. We’ll make it work. What do you have tomorrow?”

“Dish duty for lunch and dinner again and sweeping the hardwood because somehow, even though we’re not wolves all the time, there’s fur everywhere.” They glanced over at Wil. “You sure people don’t mind?”

Wil smiled. “No one ever minds. It’s what a pack is for, you know.”

“Thanks.” Jo smiled back and picked up their phone. They might not feel like doing anything, they might not even enjoy doing very much in their current state, but hauling their body out of bed to get a coffee with Krista might be a good idea.

Actually, hanging out sounds good

Just tell me when you wanna meet

I assume we’re drinking vampire coffee

bc it’s always vampire coffee time

“Okay, well now I have plans for tomorrow, so I’m going to bed.”

“It’s not even midnight,” Wil pointed out.

“And I’ve been ready to sleep since, like, nine, and I’m wearing comfy clothes. I’m out.”

“Need me to dim my light?” she asked, reaching for the knob on her lamp.

Jo shook their head. “Keep working. I’ll be fine. Night, Wil.”

“Good night,” she replied. “I hope tomorrow brings a better brain day.”

“Me, too. It likely won’t, but me, too.”

Their phone buzzed. It was Cass.

Thank you. I’ll check them out soon.

Sleep well.

You, too! Good night!

As they started to fall asleep, and doubts crept back into their mind, Jo clung to the knowledge that they had friends and a whole pack family.

Their brain might not be cooperating, and they might feel like hell mentally and physically, but it was an objective truth that they were surrounded by great people. Their brain might tell them they were a burden and too much to deal with, but there were plenty of people that cared for them.