Page 60 of Elijah

As we left the shop, Carla saw a friend of hers, so she went ahead of me and Matty. As she did, I felt Matty’s hand curl into mine and squeeze it tightly.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his face full of concern.

“Yes, I’m fine.” I nodded and gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “Honestly.”

“I know this must have been difficult for you.” He cleared his throat and leaned in to kiss my cheek. “And I know I don’t say this often, but I love you.”

“I should hope so, I’m the best sister you’ve got.”

“The only one, unless Dad has got something he needs to tell us.”

We both laughed at the absurd thought of our dad cheating on Mum – it would never happen. A silence fell between us and as we slowly walked toward Carla, who was chatting animatedly to her friend, I felt the need to tell Matty what I’d seen and how I was feeling. Maybe letting it all out would cleanse me in some way and I’d be miraculously cured – or maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe saying the words would only serve to reinforce them and make my heart feel heavier and my lungs fuller.

“When I was paying, I saw Elijah,” I blurted out, as we pulled to a stop a few feet from Carla.

Matty groaned. “Oh fuck, are you okay? Did you want to go and punch his fucking lights out?”

I shook my head, looking down at the pavement, my eyes focused on a piece of chewing gum that had been trodden into the concrete of the path.

“No, we’ve been talking pretty amicably, since we worked together.”

“Oh, you never said.”

“Didn’t really think it was important,” I lied.

I knew exactly why I hadn’t told any of my family, because they’d loved Elijah and he’d hurt them too, and if we were talking, they might get the wrong idea and I couldn’t dash their hopes as well as my own.

“And how’s that going – the talking?” Matty asked, his shoulders straightening and his jaw tensing.

“It’s good,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I promise, we’re behaving like adults and it’s not upsetting me if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Something is, because you’ve been really quiet since you paid and even though you’ve just spent a shit load of money on a pushchair, I don’t believe for one minute it’s your future credit card statement that’s upset you.”

I narrowed my eyes at him and sighed heavily. “Okay, Sherlock. He was with his girlfriend and-.”

“You felt jealous,” he finished for me.

“Yes, a bit.”

Who was I kidding? I felt as though I’d had my heart cut out and fed to the birds. It was so much more than jealousy, it was heartbreak.

“What else?” Matty asked, stooping down his six feet, one inch frame, so he could look into my eyes.

There was no point lying to him, he knew me too well. Plus, hadn’t I decided that sharing my thoughts might help.

“I still love him, Matty,” I blurted out. “I still want him, I still love him, and I’ve realised I was a stupid fucking idiot for not listening to him five years ago. Now, it’s too late, he’s happy with Mia, and I hate it. I hate that she’s moving in with him and I hate that I feel as though he’s still mine and she’s taken him away from me, when actually he hasn’t been mine for five years.”

“And you hate her too,” Matty said with a grin.

“I never said that.” I protested.

“No, but you do. I can see it in your eyes and the way you said ‘Mia’.”

I laughed as he impersonated me.

“Does he know how you feel?”

I shrugged. “He might have an idea, seeing as I tried to tell him one night in Ziggy’s and I think he was going to kiss me.”