Page 61 of Electricity

I landed on my bed and curled up into a tight ball. If I hated her so much why did I have to love her so hard? I grabbed fistfuls of sheets and sobbed into them, from my gut, doing that quiet crying thing where I was screaming, as silently as I could.

“Jessie?”

I twisted and saw my little sister, peeking in through the door. She saw me seeing her and reached a finger in to wave it at me like a tiny worm.

“You aren’t mad, are you?” she whispered.

I was. I was horribly pissed off with every fiber of my being: at being trapped in this sad and powerless body, at being totally dependent on my mom for everything, at school for making me learn facts I’d never use, and at everyone in school for not waking up and seeing the truth about Danny when it was right in front of their eyes.

High school might as well’ve been a jail where we sat out sentences for four years, praying to be granted freedom for good behavior at the end of it.

“Are you?” Allie asked again, her voice rising.

“What do you think?” I said.

She retracted her finger. “Sorry, Jessie,” she said. And she had the wisdom to close the door instead of coming in to bug me.

I woke up the next morning and checked my phone. There were still a few straggling texts telling me to fuck myself or other inanimate objects. It was like they weren’t even trying anymore.

I set the phone down and decided against showering. Just getting to school would be an accomplishment today—although Darius would be there. At the thought of seeing him some small part of me felt light.

And then my mother opened up my door.

“Good morning?” I guessed hopefully, although I could tell by looking at her it wouldn’t be.

“You’re staying home,” she said, flatly.

“What?”

“Your grades’ll be fine—I have chores planned for you.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding?” she said and held out her hand, snapping fingers. “And give me your phone. I don’t want you whining on insta-whatever about what an awful parent I am.”

I hesitantly handed my phone over. Without it, how would I plan tonight? But I couldn’t act like I cared, or she’d know that I cared and?—

“You can start in the kitchen. Clean out the fridge. Everything, I mean it—and when you’re done, come tell me.”

“O-kay,” I said, and waited until she was out of striking range to go into the hall.

By the time Lacey came to pick me up and knocked, I was scrubbing grout in the bathroom, and I heard my mother calmly explain that I was too sick to go to school today. Lacey sounded confused, but didn’t break rank, and I was abandoned.

Mopping wasn’t enough, I had to scrub the kitchen floor on my hands and knees. When the kitchen was done she made me start in on the bathroom, and halfway through the morning she went outside to smoke. The second she left I dove under my bed for the laptop—and logged onto ZB to message Lacey.

Grounded!!!!

My password is: orangecat

Do what you have to without me!

Then I raced to my mother’s bedroom to replace the laptop under her bed where it should’ve been all along. I heard the door open and ran to her closet, starting to sort the laundry on her floor into quick piles and she caught me on her way back.

“Did I tell you to do laundry?”

“No—I was just thinking it needed to be done,” I said, all innocence and smiles.

“The only thing you’re supposed to think about today is how sorry you are for upsetting me,” she said. “Is the bathroom spotless?”

“I still have more.”

“Get back in there,” she said, her voice low, her arm an exclamation point.

By the end of the day, I was one pissed off Cinderella, and whatever surface I was scrubbing at was my mother’s face.

I wished I could figure out a way to run away, but where could I go if I did?

I didn’t have Darius’s stash of money, or relatives in other states—my dad’s house didn’t ‘have room’ for us to even visit, muchless move in.

If I went to Lacey’s, my mom would find me, same for Sarah, only it’d take a little longer.

I knew what summer was like in Kansas—winter too.

Neither of them were fit seasons for living outdoors.

No one except for me gave a shit about my brain, and only pervs cared about my body.

I ground my teeth and scrubbed at a stain on our carpet harder, and then my mom stormed out, phone in hand.

Mine, not hers, I realized as she shook it at me. “Who are all these from?”

I blinked, and realized she’d meant the texts. “I don’t know.”

“Then why are they sending them?” She was still shaking my phone, like she could strangle the senders on the far side.

“They think that I’m the hacker that ruined prom.”

“Why on earth would they think that?”

“They’re idiots? I don’t know.” I rocked back onto my heels.

“Well—that’s enough of that.”

“Why?” I said, standing, my knees sore.

“Because we’re going to the police.”

I almost laughed, but caught myself in time. “And telling them what?” I asked, sounding sincere instead of sarcastic.

My mother paused, trying to come up with something rational.

“Mom, if I knew who they were, I’d’ve told you. As it is, I don’t think there’s anything the cops can do.”

“Is this why you’ve been acting weird?”

“Believe it or not, I’ve been trying to act normal.” I wiped pruning hands against my thighs. “High school’s changed a lot, Mom. It’s a lot harder now than it was when you went.”

“It was still pretty hard back then.”

I nodded. She looked as exhausted as I felt, and I knew I hadn’t been the only person crying last night. “I love you, Momma. Can this just be over? I don’t want to miss any more classes tomorrow.”

“You’re still grounded.”

“I know.”

She looked at my phone again. “You still want to go back there? After all this shit?”

“Amazingly, yes.”

“Sometimes, I think you’re even tougher than I am.”

I had thoughts on that that weren’t worth sharing. But I was sure navigating a smoke-filled bar every night letting drunk guys lech on me for tips wasn’t easy. “We’re tough in different ways.”

A portion of her anger wilted. “Finish up the living room floor then, and then read a book or something.”

“Thanks, Momma.”

The book that I read? The Count of Monte Cristo.

I had found some semblance of zen by the time Allie got home from school.

Lacey would’ve gotten my message and she had Darius to back her up.

It was in their hands now. And Mason would get back a failing grade on his test today, which’d only serve to remind him of what’d happen if he didn’t play along.

I heard Allie creep in, drop off her bag, and go back outside—I could hear her playing tag through my open and currently screen-less window. A storm was blowing in, moving enough air to mimic a ceiling fan, riffling through the homework scattered in piles across my floor.

Dinner was a subdued affair, both my mother and I performing our conventional roles, like the playbook hadn’t been torn to pieces by both of us and burned recently.

Then I went and sat down on the couch and played with Allie’s hair while we watched the evening news on TV.

I wondered if after tonight what we’d done would show up on TV—if they’d send out Rebecca Molange.

After news and another hour of random TV, my mother stood to go get ready, and when she was, she returned to the living room. “I can’t have you leave again, Jessie.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

“Your promises don’t mean much right now.”

“You can handcuff Allie and me together?” I said lightly. My mother didn’t smile.

“You forget that not only are you hurting me, but you’re hurting Allie, too. She needs to be able to count on you. And if you set a bad example for her—you may be smart enough to stay out of trouble, but she’s young.”

My sister and I had markedly different priorities. As much as we’d talked about Stranger Danger, if someone in a van offered her candy and a pink dress— “I know, I know.”

“Hey,” Allie protested, belatedly realizing she was being disparaged.

“I’ll stay right here. On the couch. I’ll—I can send you hourly texts of me on the couch. Like we did for prom.”

“And that turned out so well.”

“Hey, I was home on time.”

My mother sighed like she was left with no good options. “Okay,” she said, and fished her own phone out of her purse, handing it to me.

“What?”

“I don’t think you have all your friend’s numbers memorized—but you do know mine.”

A phone was better than no phone. “Fine,” I agreed.

Allie and I said good-bye and waved as she went out the door. Then, like always, Allie swiped the remote for the TV.

“Allie, come on.”

“Just one show!” she said, because it always worked.

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, and got up. My book was in my bedroom. Currently, Edmond Dantes had nothing on me. I flipped the light switch on and there was Lacey.

“What the hell!” I said, louder than I meant because I’d almost had a heart attack.

“We saw your mom take off and came to rescue you!” she whispered then looked around. “It’s a lot easier sneaking in now that Razor’s gone.”

“You’re gonna get me busted!” I hissed.

“It’s going down tonight, Jessie—at Darius’s uncle’s place. Mason’s meeting us there and so are the girls from ZB—but we have to be there by eight or none of this is gonna happen.”

“I can’t leave Allie alone again, Lacey—at least not before she goes to sleep,” I said, crowding her back.

She grabbed at me. “You have to come with us. You’re the reason this is working—everyone saw your message on ZB, Jessie—and your bag. These girls trust you. They know you’re real, and you mean it. You have to be there.”

The front door slammed, and when I heard footsteps in the hall, I knew who it was I’d heard. “Jessie! Where’s your charger!” my mother bellowed.

I pushed Lacey toward the window. “Lacey, go.”

She stopped letting me push her back. “I need you, Jessie—I can’t do this alone.”

The world paused around me. So often in life decisions you made had consequences you couldn’t see—what would’ve happened if you’d sat at that other lunch table in third grade? If you hadn’t missed the field trip with the bus crash?—but this one’s were clear.

“I’ll be out in a second,” I said, just as the door to my room opened.

“Jessie, didn’t you hear me? Where’s your damn charger?” my mother said, then saw Lacey throwing herself out the window into the backyard. Her eyes flicked straight to me.

“I’m so sorry, Momma,” I said, running for the open window and hurling myself straight through. I bellyflopped onto the dirt outside, feeling all the air leave my lungs in a whush .

“Jessica!” my mother yelled sharply from inside my room. “JESSICA!”

Lacey helped me up to standing.

“SohelpmeifyouleavenowJessiedon’tbothercomingback!” my mother howled.

“I love you but I have to go!” I panted as Lacey dragged me around the side of the house.

My mother stuck her head out the window to see us. “I’m telling your mother about this, Lacey!”

“Please don’t—she might try to kill herself again!” Lacey called back, and then we were running and out of shouting distance.

We threw ourselves in to Darius’s waiting car, Lacey in the front seat, me in the back. I lay there instead of getting on a seatbelt, still trying to catch my breath.