Page 14 of Electricity

A ctually being calm was hard.

If I concentrated on everything that was supposed to be there, that I knew I was supposed to see, I could fake being normal-me.

But if I stopped doing that, I didn’t have words for what was happening. Bear with me if none of this makes sense—in the immortal words of Mrs. Jadeberry in the ninth grade, “Just because you’ve passed English, Jessica, doesn’t make you a poet.”

It’s just—I kept having the sensation that my high school was a living thing—and like I was walking in its brain.

Or stomach. Or maybe it was a jellyfish and those two things were the same.

I could feel the waves of electricity pulsing through the walls as lights and computers and air-conditioning turned off and on, and in between classes I was assaulted by sensations like stinging-beeping-rain from all my classmates, that got worse as they neared and faded as they walked away.

The building breathed around me, recharging and discharging, rumbling to life, then slowly falling quiet again—and my classmates were like blood cells, always announcing their presence with their phones that were always on, even when they were in their pockets.

I felt myself detach a little bit, like a loose tooth, barely hanging on—and then Sarah grabbed my arm again, pulling me into biology to sit beside her.

“I heard Liam talked to you,” she whispered.

The world screwed back into place and things were normal and everything I could feel-hear around me dialed back into a muted roar, as I looked at her expectant face. “Yeah—how did you know?”

“I know everything worth knowing,” she said with a catty smile.

Which meant that no one knew Lacey’d been assaulted. If word was out, Sarah was sure to know. I sank back in my desk a little.

What if it was Liam who’d assaulted Lacey? What if it wasn’t? Could Lacey maybe narrow it down for me? What kind of asshole was I for thinking about myself right now? The worst kind.

“So? What’d he say?” she pressed.

“He apologized for his friends being jerks at the Shax last night.”

She waited, then prompted me. “And what’d you say?”

“I…sort of insulted him for hanging out with them.”

Sarah smacked my shoulder. “You’re the worst, Jessica.”

“Definitely.” With Darius’s help I’d gone and blown the first and likely only interaction with Liam I would ever have. But if this past weekend had proven anything—Liam’s type and mine weren’t meant to overlap. No matter how many times I’d seen pictures of his couch.

Ms. Liebel clapped her hands loudly and started class.

Halfway through class we broke into groups by table, to spend time drawing examples of meiosis and mitosis and explain them to one another. Like any good group assignment, most of us talked about other things instead.

“I’m super glad Lacey’s not here today,” Sarah said.

“Why?”

Sarah gave me a look. “You have no idea how much heat I’m taking, Jessie. None.”

“So?”

“Lacey wouldn’t be able to handle it, is what I’m saying.”

Lacey was far stronger than Sarah knew. “Are you deflecting it some?”

“As much as I can. But there’ll be a reckoning of some sort.”

That didn’t sound good. “How—or where?”

“I don’t know. But if she doesn’t start apologizing, from the moment she hits campus next, to everyone she sees, freshmen to senior—she’s over.”

Apologizing? Her? After what had happened??? “What does being over even mean?” I asked through clenched teeth. The shininess was back, as was my headache, in full force.

Sarah gave me a pitying look. “Let’s just hope we don’t have to find out, okay?”

I was going to press her again, but Ms. Liebel clapped her hands again for our attention and started lecturing.

I tried to concentrate, but chromosomal abnormalities didn’t hold my attention the way worrying about Lacey did. I wound up writing to Sarah on the corner of my notebook.

Can I borrow your phone?

Sarah read it, nodded subtly, then waited for Ms. Liebel to look away before handing it into my lap.

“Tell her I’m mad at her,” she whispered, as I typed in her birthday to unlock it.

“Uh, sure thing.” I whispered back. It felt strangely warm in my hands—like Sarah’d handed me a puppy or a kitten to hold instead of plastic and metal.

I could see the denim of my jeans and the faded linoleum of the floor, but if I concentrated just right, letting my eyes relax and my mind wander—there were things shooting out of the phone, and other things were shooting in, like fireflies.

All the time. It was like the lit-tip of a sparkler. Like a firework that felt alive.

I held it for a moment, tapping the screen often enough that it wouldn’t go dark and need a fresh key, marveling. Did anyone, could anyone, else see this? I watched the waves shoot in through my hands and out again, making me a part of it.

I concentrated, blinking back to the real world, and tapped on the message screen, as Sarah watched on, making sure I wasn’t going to open up any of her likely ten thousand texts back and forth with Ryan, when:

Come on its just ur bra?—

pictures of Sarah’s niece playing at the beach ? —

send me pictures?—

a video of a cat tripping ? —

her grandma blowing out eighty candles ? —

bye babe?—

a mirror image of a ripped male torso ? —

I just want to see you naked?—

Lacey, Sarah, and I pouting upwards on a sunny day ? —

forty pictures of not-too-blonde-but-just-blonde-enough hair ? —

its been 2 mnths babe?—

heels with sequins ? —

a wrist striped with lipstick tests ? —

Sarah’s dog Sprite leaping ? —

Sarah’s dog Sprite sleeping ? —

Sarah’s dog Sprite with his head out a car window ? —

“Jessica?” Ms. Liebel asked, startling me.

“Klinefelters,” Sarah whispered.

“Klinefelters,” I repeated, aloud.

“Good,” she said, and scanned the room for her next victim.

I blinked, looking around. Reality—or what I’d always assumed was reality before—looked sharp and harsh.

My head was throbbing and now I wanted to puke.

All those pictures—they were all Sarah’s.

I’d seen them. Why? How? They were still swirling around inside my brain.

And I’d read—downloaded?—every single one of those texts.

I need it. I’m dying.

Too bad, babe.

I was going to be sick. But then the bell rang.

Sarah put her hand out for her phone. I hadn’t managed to text Lacey yet—I tapped the on button and waited for my chance. But it didn’t turn on and the screen wouldn’t light up.

Worse yet it didn’t feel alive anymore. “Shit—Sarah—I think it died.” Literally.

She shouldered her bag and took it from me, trying to turn it on herself. “It had a full charge this morning.” She played with the on button some more.

“I didn’t mean to break it—I didn’t do anything,” I lied. I’d done something, I just didn’t know what. But phones were expensive—if I killed mine, my mom would kill me.

She tossed it into her bag. “I’ll charge it at lunch. And if it doesn’t work then, whatever. I told my dad I wanted the newer model anyways. I’ve got backups.”

A weight lifted from my shoulders. “Cool. Talk to you later?”

“On what phone?” she asked, and then grinned. “Don’t worry, I’ll probably get a new phone before you get ungrounded.” Then she leaned forward. “But if anything— anything —happens in your chem class with Liam, figure out a way to let me know.”

“Keep an eye out for smoke signals rising from the west at 6 PM then,” I said with feigned solemnity.

She laughed. “Bye, babe,” she said, shouldering her bag.

I wondered if Ryan knew that I’d been ‘bye, babe’ first.