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34

THE STALKER

“ G et in there, boy.” Large hands shove me inside the shower so hard I slam into the wall. That’s going to leave another bruise.

“Dad,” I whimper, teeth chattering. “The w-w-water. I-It’s f-f-freezing.”

He imitates me in a high-pitched voice, his nasty whiskey-smelling breath washing over me, making me feel nauseous. I scream when he grabs me by the ear. “Shut the fuck up, you little wimp.” He adjusts his grip, shaking me. My head rolls around on my shoulders like a rag doll. “You deserve this punishment. I saw what you were doing.”

“I-I w-w-wasn’t d-doing a-a-anything.” My voice is pleading, barely able to get the words out as the freezing cold water makes my teeth chatter, my body shaking like a leaf from cold and fear.

“You were playing Barbie dolls like a damn sissy with that neighbor girl!” He raises his hand, and I cringe. “Don’t lie to me, boy.”

I wasn’t playing with them, but I knew he wouldn’t believe me.

Jason’s sister, Abigail, couldn’t get the dress off her Barbie, and she started screaming and crying. She’s a bit of a diva. I took the Barbie from her to get the dress off so she could change her clothes and stop wailing.

If I tell my dad that, he’ll think I’m lying. And the punishment will be worse.

Swallowing hard, I tell him what he wants to hear, hoping that will make him happy. Looking down at my feet, I whisper, “I was playing Barbie dolls with her,” My body is numb, more concerned about the punishment he will dish out than the freezing water right now.

“I’m gonna teach you a lesson you’ll never forget,” he sneers, his bloodshot eyes leering at me. “Ain’t no son of mine going to play with dolls like some gay boy.”

Tears stream down my face as he slams me against the wall, seeing stars from how hard he shoved me. He turns off the water, then hands me a towel. “Now get out of the damn shower. You’re wastin’ water.”

I stumble as I try to push off the wall, the room spinning.

“Jagger.” He grabs me hard, yanking me out of the shower. But my foot is still inside the claw tub my mom used to love, and the sound of a bone snapping, reminding me of the tree limbs breaking off during an ice storm, makes me lose my breath. Overwhelming pain runs through my body, causing me to release a bloodcurdling scream.

“Shut the hell up!” His hand slaps me hard, and I drop to the floor, my foot bent at an odd angle beneath me. “You scream like a girl.”

He punches me in the nose, and blood spurts out of it, spraying the room.

And then, mercifully, everything goes black.

B olting awake, sweat covers my body. As reality washes over me, I realize Maddie is sitting up beside me, stroking my hair.

“I’m sorry I woke you, baby girl.” My voice rasps, my heart still hammering inside my chest.

“It’s fine, Jagger.” Her voice is soothing as she gently plays with my hair. It’s comforting, reminding me of when my mom used to hold me and play with my hair.

“Can I…” I swallow hard, feeling foolish. “Can I lay my head on your chest?”

“Of course.” She fluffs the pillows behind her, then holds her arms out. Sliding down the mattress, I curl up against her, my head on her soft breasts. Her steady heartbeat is soothing beneath my skin. She wraps her arms around me, her fingers gently running through my hair.

“That feels so good,” I say against her skin. Her touch is soothing, and as I breathe her in, it’s different from the way my mom used to hold me. For one thing, I wasn’t against her bare breasts, unless I was an infant and I don’t remember that. For another, Maddie’s touch is that of a lover.

With a sigh, I tell her about my dream. She holds me, her fingers still stroking my hair, as she pressed gentle kisses against my skin.

Then I say, “Social workers came and went, yet they never saved me. Instead of removing me from the house and finding me a new place to stay, they bought my dad’s grieving husband routine. He told them I was a disturbed child who was undergoing intense therapy because I was a pathological liar who hurt myself to get attention. He’d start weeping uncontrollably, telling them he couldn’t lose me, too.” Heaving out a long, disappointed sigh, I say, “And they believed him.”

Maddie’s voice is tearful as she says, “The system definitely failed you.”

My laugh is brittle. “Understatement.” My thoughts race inside my head, another secret I’ve been keeping from her. “Maddie. I have something to tell you.”

“Sure. What is it?”

I heave out a breath. “There’s a reason I said we were meant to be. Beyond just what I feel. It relates to something I heard you telling Ashlynn when you spent the night at her apartment.” She looks down at me, and I tilt my head up to hers, chuckling. “Stalker, remember? I forgot to tell you this one when I listed all the times and ways I stalked you.” Lowering my head to her chest, I press a kiss above her heart. The I meet her eyes. “I was on my motorcycle, watching you through binoculars until it got dark. Then I snuck over to the windows and listened to the two of you talk as a movie played in the background.”

She nods. “I remember that… well, not you peering in through the windows, stalker.” She grins, shaking her head. “I don’t remember what I told Ashlynn, though. Other than I had an incredibly hot stalker.”

My smile widens. “I heard that. I nearly climbed through the window when you said that.”

Her eyes are wide. “Thank goodness you didn’t. Ashlynn probably would have called the cops.”

I chuckle. “That’s what stopped me.” Growing serious, I say, “Something happened when I was a kid.

Something so simple that impacted me. Saved me.”

Closing my eyes, I recount the story to her as the memory flows through my head.

S itting on my hands, I tried not to squirm around from anticipation as my dad drove us to Falls Creek Park. There’s a huge playground that I’ve always loved, and although I’m nine years old, soon to be ten, and should be too grown up to be this excited, the past six months of my life have eradicated my childhood permanently.

Since my mom’s death, I’ve had to grow up far too quickly. My father spent the majority of his time too drunk from alcohol or high from pain medication to care for me. Most days, he forgets all about me, lost in his memories of my mom, leaving me to fend for myself. I prefer those days to the ones where he remembers me. The slightest thing sets him off. My body is littered with bruises and scars from the punishment he regularly doles out.

It was stupid of my dad to try to save my mom. He’s a fireman and knew better. Her car was completely engulfed in flames. I’d heard the captain of the fire department tell my dad that when he came to our house to check on us. He scolded my dad for acting rashly and jumping into the flames, suffering third and even fourth degree burns on his body as a result.

Swallowing hard, I listened from the small balcony upstairs, my heart pounding inside my chest, sadness overwhelming me. I knew why my dad did it. He wanted to die because I wasn’t enough for him. He knew my mom was dead when he saw her car engulfed in flames, but still he tried to get to her. Because he couldn’t stand to live without her.

I came back to reality when my dad flipped the coffee table over, screaming at the chief to mind his own fucking business. That confirmed what I knew all along. My dad was obsessed with my mom and now that she was gone, he had nothing to live for.

Not even me.

Shaking off the memories as my dad turned his truck into the parking lot, I straightened in my seat, my greedy eyes drinking in the huge playground, the kids happily playing on the various equipment.

When my dad parked and I slid out of the truck, I took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of pine from the woods surrounding the park.

My dad walked around his truck, stopping in front of me. “I need you to do me a huge favor.” He placed his huge hand on my small shoulder. “I need you to go play for a little while. I need to go… Run some errands,” he finished weakly, his gaze flitting around, making sure no one could overhear him. “I’ll be back. If anyone asks where I am, I went to the restroom.” He shot me a loaded look that conveyed how much trouble I’d be in if I didn’t listen.

I tried to hide my trembling body as I nodded. I’d experienced enough abuse to know the repercussions would be severe if I didn’t do exactly as he said.

“Good boy, Jagger. I’ll be back soon.”

Then he jumped back inside the truck and took off.

I stood there, watching him go, loneliness overwhelming me as I turned to the park, seeing all the kids playing together, parents littering the benches or some close to the little ones, keeping a watchful eye on them.

Tears filled my eyes, but I quickly brushed them away. I once had two, loving parents who cared for me.

Not anymore.

Releasing a huge sigh, I walked toward a vacant swing, figuring I needed to make the most of my time here. Who knows when I’ll come back here, if ever.

Sitting on the swing, I moved my legs, making it go higher and faster. The warm sun felt good on my skin as the air flowed through my dark hair, lifting it from my forehead. I closed my eyes, and it felt like I was flying.

I pretended I was somewhere far away from there. Away from death and neglect, beatings, and hunger. Somewhere safe, where no one could hurt me.

Until I heard her sobbing.

My eyes flew open, landing on a little girl who looked to be about five-ish. A boy was gripping her by the hair. She was screaming and crying, trying to twist away from him.

My feet drug along the ground until I was able to slow the swing, my gaze locked on them. As soon as I could safely jump off, I did, hurrying toward them.

“What’s the problem?” My voice was menacing as I stared at the boy, who was probably a year or two younger than me. Even though I was a skinny kid, my body was packed with lean muscle. Plus, I had a temper that easily scared most kids, so I didn’t need to rely on physical size to be intimidating.

The boy pales, releasing the little girl’s hair. “She wants to get on the swings, but she’s too little.”

“That’s not true,” she squeaked, her eyes moving to mine, then glaring at him. “He wanted to get on the swing after I said I was getting on it. I ran ahead, trying to beat him, but he grabbed my hair and pulled me back.” She rubbed her head before she crossed her arms over her chest, her big honey eyes pleading with me to believe her.

“Pumpkin. Are you okay?” A man came running over, his hair a shade darker than hers. He squatted down, studying her with the same big, honey-colored eyes as the little girl.

That must be her father.

She nodded. “Yes, now that this nice boy is here.” She gives me a smile before turning and pointing at the boy who caused her pain. “Jacob pulled my hair because I wanted to get on the swing. He decided he wanted to swing after I said I was going to.”

“Jacob, that isn’t nice to pull a little girl’s hair to keep her off the swings,” The man said, his voice firm but gentle. He didn’t scream like my dad, making me like him.

“Sorry.” Jacob looked at the ground, his chin on his chest.

“Do you think you can play nice, Jacob? If not, you won’t be able to play with her anymore,” the man says to the boy.

He nods. “Yes, sir.”

“Okay.” He pinches the little girl’s cheeks gently, then tickles her. “Do you want to go swing now, pumpkin?”

She giggled, squirming as he tickled her, then nodded enthusiastically.

“Okay. Go have fun.” The man looked over at me, ruffling my hair with his hand. “Thanks for intervening. That was nice of you. You’re a good kid.”

Pride made my chest swell. It’d been a long time since I’d been complimented, other than by The Brandt’s, Jason’s parents. But I’d known them since I was five, so they didn’t count.

I watched the man walk away. I wish I had a dad like him. I rubbed a hand over my chest, my heart hurting.

“You’re going to pay for that,” Jacob hissed to pumpkin. Her eyes were as wide as saucers as she stared at the evil smirk on his lips.

“No, she isn’t.” I leaned close to Jacob, ensuring no one else could hear me. “Or you’ll deal with me. And you don’t want that, Jacob. I can promise you that. I’ll make your time here a living hell if you even think about touching her.”

Jacob’s eyes widen, his face pale once again, before he runs off, heading to the opposite end of the playground. I watch him as he gets on the merry-go-round, his eyes locking with mine before he ducks his head, averting his gaze.

Pumpkin’s small hand wraps around mine. “Thank you, dark eyes. Jacob’s mean to me.” Her lower lip trembles. “I don’t know why he hates me so much.”

I squat down in front of her, still holding her small, warm hand. “Some boys are mean to little girls because they feel threatened by them. You must be better than he is at something.”

Her face lights up, her brown eyes animated. “I’ve been taking dance lessons at Annabelle Martin’s dance studio. He’s one of the male dancers. I got chosen for a lead role for the upcoming recital and he’s been mad about it ever since. He says I’m too young.”

I laughed. “Sounds like he’s jealous because you’re a better dancer than he is.”

Her smile grows larger. “You’re nice, dark eyes. One of the nicest boys I’ve met since Dad started bringing me here.” She looks down at her feet, then back at me. “Thank you for saving me before my dad came over. Jacob is good at pinching me and leaving bruises.”

A frown is on my lips as anger rolls through me at the thought of him hurting her. “How about you swing beside me? Jacob won’t bother you if I’m around.”

“Really?” Her eyes are huge as she releases my hand, clapping excitedly. “Okay.”

With a huge smile on my face, I stand. Holding her hand, we walk over to the swings. She climbs on one and starts swinging, biting her lip in concentration. “I know I can make this thing go higher,” she mutters.

“Here. Let me push you and get you started. Then I’ll give you some pointers.” Standing behind her, I push her, and she giggles from excitement as she goes higher, kicking her legs delightedly. I laugh and give her pointers because she’s slowing herself down and swinging erratically from how she moves her legs.

“That’s it, pumpkin,” I say as she gets the hang of it. “I’m gonna get on the swing beside you, okay?”

She nods, laughing. “I’m going to swing as high as you.”

“Oh yeah,” I chuckle. I know that isn’t possible, but I don’t voice it, fearing she’ll try it and end up falling off the swing and getting hurt. Instead, I don’t swing nearly as high as I was, letting her go higher.

We spent the rest of the day playing together. There was just something about this sweet little girl that made me forget about all my problems at home. And she told every kid who glanced at us that I was her “dark hero.” It made me feel so good inside and kids patted me on the back, talking and laughing with me.

I’d never fit in with others before, often being a loner. Jason and Abigail were my only friends. But I only hung around Abigail when I was with Jason.

But this little girl ensured I was included, which meant the world to me.

When her dad came over, telling her it was time to go, she looked at me with the saddest eyes. “Maybe I’ll see you here next time?”

I nodded, a lump in my throat. “Maybe I’ll swing higher than you next time.”

Her eyes lit up, a smile lighting up her face. It was like standing in the sun. “I’m going to keep practicing so I can beat you.”

I laughed. “You do that.”

She gave me a wave. “Bye, dark hero. I’ll see you next time.”

“Bye, Pumpkin. See you next time.”

As she walked away, holding her dad’s hand and chattering a mile a minute, guilt made my skin itch, like bugs crawling over it. I was nearly positive there wouldn’t be a next time. I’d ask my dad to bring me back here, but considering this was the only day I’d seen him sober in months, it seemed highly unlikely.

“Goodbye, pumpkin,” I whisper as she climbs into her dad’s car. “Thanks for making me feel… worthwhile.” Tears were in my eyes as I turned and trudged back to the swing, my head hanging low.

As I sat on the swing by myself, I sighed. The other kids ignored me now that pumpkin left. But I don’t feel like interacting with them, anyway.

When I hung around pumpkin, I felt happy. The last time I felt like that was when my mom was alive.

The sun went behind the clouds, making me shiver. I looked at the gray sky and hoped my dad would get here before it rained on me.

Standing in the sunshine for a little while was nice with my new friend, pumpkin.

But I feared I’d never see her again.

M addie’s tears drip into my hair, then onto my face as I look into her honey eyes. Her eyes widen with wonder as she stares at me. “Oh my God. You… You’re my dark hero.”

Although it wasn’t a question, I nodded, confirming it. “I heard you tell Ashlynn about the boy at Falls Creek Park when you were staying with her and how you’ve wondered for years what happened to the ‘dark hero’ you met that day.”

“I looked for you every time I went to the park.”

Heaving out a sigh, I say, “It was a long time before I was able to go back. My dad was too stoned or drunk. But Jason’s parents took me about seven weeks later. You weren’t there.” A pang of disappointment goes through my chest as I remember how much it hurt that she wasn’t there.

“That was a Saturday, wasn’t it?”

I nod.

“I was at a dance recital. The one I told you about.” Her eyes sparkle as she says, “Your words stuck with me. I worked my ass off. Right before I walked on the stage, I thought of you. Then I lost myself in the music, pretending you were in the audience and I was dancing for you.”

Tears fill my eyes, and I squeeze her tighter. “I was thinking of you while you were thinking of me.” My hand strokes her hair. “Destiny.”

She nods, running her fingers through my hair. “Kismet.”

“Why did you stop dancing?”

“Two reasons: boobs and knee injury. Most dancers were flat-chested, but well, I’m not. I was criticized for it, and my dance instructors constantly tried to make me ‘minimize them’ as they liked to call it. Taping them down, making me wear two very tight sports bras. I could barely breathe sometimes because it felt like I was in a straitjacket.”

“Jealous flat-chested bitches.” I nuzzle her breasts. “I happen to love them. And it’s a good thing I wasn’t around, or I would have told them where they could shove the tape and sports bras.”

She giggles. “While it was uncomfortable, you know I’m defiant. One day, I went out there with no tape or sports bra. They were furious.”

Tilting my head up, I growl at her. “People saw your tits?”

“Jagger.” She playfully shoves me. “Yes. That was kinda the point.” Maddie laughs as I glower at her. “It was the knee injury that did me in. I landed wrong and tore a ligament in my knee. It was awful. I had surgery, which fixed my knee, but dancing was too painful. It swelled up something awful every time I tried, and I got tired of sitting with ice packs, crying until the pain meds helped.”

“Sorry, baby girl.”

She nods. “I know. But it was worth it. I danced for twelve years. And it led me to you.” Her blinding smile makes my heart beat faster. “My dad took me to the park as a reward for getting chosen to dance the lead. As a result, I met you.”

“Worth it, baby girl.” Heaving in a breath, I work up the courage to tell her the one thing no one knows except me. “You saved my life that day.” I peek at her, watching her face transform from bliss to stunned.

Maddie blinks rapidly, her face guarded, as though she dreads what I’m about to tell her. “What do you mean?” Her voice is a whisper that wraps around me, making me feel shame. But I can’t back out now.

“When my dad left me alone at the park, I knew he would do something bad. The alcohol and pills were wrecking him, and he flipped out when the doctor wouldn’t give him more. I knew he was going to find something else…” My voice cracks, and I pause, swallowing and getting control over my emotions. “I had trouble making friends, especially after my mom died. Kids were cruel, everyone in school knew what happened to her. When he left me alone, I was defeated, knowing I’d be surrounded by others yet completely alone. I planned on swallowing pills and ending things once he came back. I was tired of living like that, with no one saving me.”

Her loud sob draws my attention as tears pour down her face. “Oh God, Jagger.”

My arms tighten around her. “Then I saw you. I don’t know what made me intervene since I generally stayed away from other kids. But you… were different. Something drew me to you. And after spending time with you at the park, even though I was crushed when you left before me, I knew I couldn’t go through with it. I had to stay alive for the chance to see you again.” My heart squeezes inside my chest. “No matter what happened to me, the abuse and hell I endured, I wasn’t going to give up. I had one thing to live for—you.”

“Jesus.” She grabs me, tugging me up her body. “I can’t believe you almost… The thought of you not being here….” She soaks me with her tears that I frantically try to wipe away, hating that I’m causing her pain.

And then she says something that changes everything. “I love you, Jagger.”

I still, waiting for the walls to close me in, my deep-seated fear to overwhelm me and cause me to do the one thing I promised her I wouldn’t. Leave her.

But it doesn’t happen.

Instead, I stare into her honey-brown eyes, seeing the truth she spilled from her lips. She loves me. She’s loved me for a while.

I open my mouth, expecting something quite different to come out than what I say. “I’m in love with you, baby girl.”

Her face is guarded as she stares at me, as though she’s wondering if she heard me correctly, listening carefully to see if I’ll somehow take back what I say.

Instead, a smile lights up my face, euphoria filling my body. Cupping her face, I say, “God, I love you, baby girl. You’re my fucking world.”

She glows, her smile breaking over her face like the sun from behind the clouds.

Then I kiss her, forgetting about my terrible nightmare. My past. My trauma.

She consumes me. Even as a little girl, she’s always consumed me. During the darkest time of my life, she gave me hope and something more—the will to live.

Everything has changed. I can’t deny the way I feel for her any longer. The way I’ve felt for Maddie for years, although I didn’t know her name.

My monster roars inside me. What does that mean for all we’ve planned?

I can’t answer because I have none to give.