Page 18 of Do You Ship It

I’m not avoiding Anissa at college, but our paths naturally don’t cross very much. There’s no strict assigned seating in classes, and this far into term everyone’s picked their spot for the year, so in the classes we share – art and history – we both gravitate to our usual seats, but I smile her way and she says ‘hi’ when we see each other around.

It’s a small shift, and while it feels nice, I’m also horribly, selfishly aware that the others might think it’s weird I’m suddenly friendly with an outcast like Anissa, and I know they’ll definitely judge me for building a bit of a bond with her over Of Wrath and Rune , of all things.

My emotions about OWAR have become a tangled mess without me even realizing it. I thought I was just in this for Jake – it was a means to an end, a necessary evil, hours inevitably wasted learning the ins and outs of this series all in the name of romance.

But now I’ve genuinely started to enjoy it, beyond thinking of Jake or even proving to horrible Max that I am committed to this fandom. I look forward to getting home and finishing up homework so I can watch another episode, staying up late to watch some more if one ends on a cliffhanger, even rewinding scenes to watch again and trawling through the fanfiction for more heart-warming, squeal-worthy Silversmith content …

It’s fun . I like it .

And I even feel like I know some of the others on Discord a bit more now. @wizeguy is twenty-six and Greek Cypriot; he’s gotten his grandma into the books and helps her learn English with them. @fauningforhim is a stay-at-home mum of three who likes to tell us about ridiculous things her young kids have said, and claims that fanfic and this community was a lifeline when she first moved to South Wales for her husband’s work. There’s @sirmoonypants, aka Sam, who has a wicked-sharp sense of humour and has just started studying a PhD in economics; and of course, @silversmithhh, the first-year law student and fellow romance-afficionado whose name I’ve learned is Heather.

I know it’s all online, and I don’t actually know any of them, but … in Discord, it feels like they’re my friends just as much as Daphne and Nikita and everyone are at school.

Anissa and I chat in Discord too, sometimes about day-to-day stuff or college, and sometimes about the show. I notice she’s quite active in the main chat and gets into a heated debate with someone in one of the theory threads, posting even while we’re in class.

People leave casual messages in the main chat about things going on at work or school, or send photos of a book haul they just bought, send memes and links to TikTok videos they want to share. It’s not all obsessing over characters and theorizing – although I have started to delve into those channels a little bit too, interested in ways the show has deviated from the books and what storylines I might be missing out on.

It’s a different kind of friendship – low stakes and no pressure, nobody minding how little I know about the fandom or if I have silly questions about the lore of the show I don’t quite understand. I don’t feel like I have to work so hard to cultivate it, or to keep my place there. They’re always there , whenever I want to be part of it.

It’s nice.

It even goes a little way to filling the gap left by Jake’s unexplained absence, although it can’t distract me completely from it.

My best friend hasn’t exactly dropped off the face of the earth – every few days, he sends me a funny post he’s seen on Instagram, and he does reply to some of my texts, but I still get the sense he’s holding me at arm’s length, avoiding me somehow. The Discord private chat has been dead since his last too-brief reply in it.

I don’t know whether I’m more upset or worried; if something was really wrong, wouldn’t he tell me? His sister Ginny’s Instagram posts are all very normal – her out with friends, sharing memes, cute outfit pics – so I don’t think anything’s up with his family … Whatever it is, it must be personal.

Would it be too pushy to just message Jake and ask him what’s going on, if something’s wrong? But I don’t want him to just brush me off … Should I try phoning him? That seems better than showing up uninvited on his doorstep, but what if he doesn’t answer? Could that missed call become the nail in the coffin for us?

I hate that navigating my crush is making our friendship suffer, but it’s so hard to let go of it.

He’ll tell me when he’s ready.

He won’t just disappear on me. He wouldn’t .

Would he?

It doesn’t help that things at home have also been weird, and I’m dying to talk to Jake about it. I don’t want to bring it up with the girls – their families seem so uncomplicated, and it’s kind of nice pretending mine is, too. It’s nice having that escape where I can almost convince myself there’s nothing going on worth talking about.

But Dad’s been over more and more, including for more of these weird, too-civil ‘family dinners’ where he and Mum seem to be getting on , and Mum’s out with friends a lot more, so Dad keeps staying over in the spare room, and his toothbrush has appeared back by the bathroom sink, so I can’t shake the horrible feeling that he’s moving back in, and they’re trying again.

I know I should be happy about that, but it feels like it’ll only blow up in their faces – and mine – before long. It has every other time. And I’m so exhausted by it. I’m so tired of being caught in the middle.

Jake would understand. Or rather, he’d be a good sympathetic ear to vent to about it all, which is really all I need. But as he’s not really talking to me, it feels selfish to dump all my shit on him when we’re like this, so I keep it to myself and distract myself with more OWAR episodes and Discord and my new fanart projects.

When another Wednesday comes and goes without our weekly watch-party, I ache with how much I miss Jake. His easy laughter and quick smile, his warm hugs, all of him. I even miss Max – if only because seeing him meant spending time with Jake, too.

Maybe I need a bit of an icebreaker in Discord to get us talking again. Maybe if we can talk about OWAR, it’ll lead to deeper conversations about us ? That’s worked before, with both of us opening up in there, all those late-night, honest conversations where we moved on from talking about the show and messaged for hours.

I miss those conversations; I think I miss them more than I do hanging out with him in real life.

I’m up to the season three finale, and go ahead and watch it on my own, but first I open up the private chat that’s been dormant for the past ten days.

@mythicwitch

Just wanted to let you know, I’m up to the s3 finale. Think I’ve finally got my head around the plot better too now. Will let you know my thoughts after …

I leave it with a ‘dot dot dot’, though I debate for a good long minute about that or a question mark; an exclamation mark feels too happy-go-lucky after the long gap between this and his last message. At least not using a question mark means I don’t have to worry about a lack of response, and can double-message without it being so weird. And I hate that I’m thinking so hard about these tiny things, when it’s always been so easy to talk to Jake – and I’ve never had to think twice about anything I’ve messaged him over Discord before, even less so than I do via text, where I try to be a little more flirty.

I hate that things have changed.

It’s not even about The Plan anymore, or feeling annoyed and sorry for myself that Jake can’t see what a good match we are or how much I like him – I’d give up on The Plan altogether if I could just get my best friend back.

It’s not very long before I’m double-messaging @runicrascal, then triple-messaging, and then basically sending a live feed of my thoughts throughout the entire episode. I’ve heard that this is a big one, with a dramatic twist for Roach, Rogdan and the rest of the Rascals; a main character death; Daxys confronting some of his old brothers-in-arms who are still guards for the evil royal family; and – the part I’ve most been looking forward to – Lady di Silver and Devon sneaking into a masquerade ball at the palace. Sir Grayson, the Moonwalker, is at the ball in disguise, too, and it’s the first time in the entire series that they meet.

I watch, gripped, phone in hand ready to pester Jake with my reactions – whether he replies or not.

‘ I’ve heard much about you, Lady Adanna. ’

‘ How did you –? ’

‘ You give yourself away. ’ The Moonwalker spins her across the dance floor, and when he draws her back in, he ensnares her in his arms with a smirk, his finger tapping her bracelet, the one with the di Silver crest. ‘ And is that a dagger you’re smuggling beneath your dress, or are you just happy to see me? ’

‘ Careful, sir; I thought knights were supposed to be noble, and you are being very ignoble right now. ’ She spins again, and this time when they come back together she gives him an arch look, and the Moonwalker’s eyes flash behind his mask. ‘Now I believe our interests are aligned, are they not, Sir Grayson? Perhaps you should tell me what you know, and we might stop wasting our time squabbling instead of seeking answers. That is what you are here to do, isn’t it? ’

‘ They warned me you’d take no prisoners. ’ He grins, though it’s sharp as a knife, and the pair watch each other as if weighing an opponent, and then Lady di Silver smiles, like she’s relishing the challenge. The song ends, and the Moonwalker bows deeply. She watches him go.

I betray myself, because I kind of like the dynamic they have going on, and I can see why people ship it.

@mythicwitch

UGH as if the Moonwalker and Lady di Silver had THAT MUCH chemistry. I’m offended that I enjoyed that scene so much

@mythicwitch

WAIT THAT’S IT? She’s just going to interrogate the prince?

@mythicwitch

WE HAVE BEEN ROBBED

@mythicwitch

WHAT THE HELL

@mythicwitch

YOU’RE TELLING ME she mentions dancing with Devon but WE NEVER SAW IT????

@mythicwitch

THE SHOWRUNNERS ARE BIASED

@mythicwitch

THIS IS SILVERSMITH SLANDER

@mythicwitch

NOOOO THEY CUT AWAY TO DAXYS. I mean. I know, plot, more important, etc, but !!!! We could have had them DANCING TOGETHER! I needed an entire episode just for the ball!

@runicrascal

I am just catching up on all of this but wow. Wow. Someone’s deeply invested …

@mythicwitch

Someone’s deeply upset and stunned rn that’s for sure

@mythicwitch

Also, hi. It’s been a while x

@runicrascal

Okay, you finish the episode (there can’t be very long left), I’ll catch up on the 87 messages you’ve sent about it, and then we’ll talk

@runicrascal

Also, hi back

I’m a mess. A puddle. Jelly. Totally wrecked.

My whole body is buzzing with adrenaline from the excitement and immediate let-down of the masquerade ball, and it spikes my heart rate all over again when I finally get a response in Discord – and a promise to talk.

I don’t know if I’m relieved or nervous or what. I also don’t know if my heightened emotions are more down to the show or the chat.

I don’t bother pausing to try and puzzle it out, because there’s only sixteen minutes left in the episode – in the season – and there feels like way too many character arcs and plotlines to try to contend with in such little time.

And no offence to Jake, but if he’s kept me waiting for him to feel like talking for almost two weeks, he can bloody well wait another sixteen minutes for me to focus on something else. Something I only even started watching because of him.

I’m not surprised when, sixteen minutes later, the finale ends and leaves me feeling irked and unsatisfied, and eager to dive straight into the start of season four – which only aired last year and is the most recent.

But season four will have to wait.

@runicrascal

Wow okay so you had a LOT of feelings about s3 haha (and yes, Daxys being persuaded back to the royal guard was … a lot. A moment for Roach getting arrested and sacrificing himself for the rest of the Rascals though! That’s a GREAT scene)

@mythicwitch

A Silversmith dance Roach’s moral quandary, pls

@runicrascal

Haha

@runicrascal

It’s a shame we didn’t end up having a watch-party for this one

@mythicwitch

Yeah … Where’ve you been lately? You’ve been quiet

@runicrascal

So have you

@runicrascal

You never messaged last week, and after Comic Con I thought

@runicrascal

Well you just seemed kind of off, when we left

@runicrascal

I figured you weren’t very interested in talking much

@mythicwitch

I figured YOU weren’t very interest in talking much

@mythicwitch

To tell you the truth I thought *you* were a bit off with me after Comic Con. I don’t know. Maybe that was all in my head lol. I’m sorry if I did something to upset you though, and made you feel like I didn’t want to talk

@runicrascal

How come you didn’t end up wearing the costume?

@mythicwitch

Is that what this is about?

@runicrascal

It’s just a question

@runicrascal

You seemed really excited about it. I could tell you were lying when you said it ‘didn’t work out’

@mythicwitch

The honest truth? No judgement?

@runicrascal

Rascal’s honour

@mythicwitch

I don’t know that I can be the kind of person who makes being a fan of something their whole personality. Or at least, shows so much of it, so openly. It just felt really weird, and I feel icky saying that, and I’m not trying to dunk on the people who do cosplay

@mythicwitch

But it’s still … niche? Weird? Generally very very very far outside of my comfort zone

@mythicwitch

I know that sounds really silly because, if anything, I should be cool with cosplaying so that I fit in better. I basically do that anyway with my friends, matching my style to theirs and trying to just do what everyone else is doing so that I ‘belong’ or whatever, but …

@mythicwitch

Sorry, I think I accidentally turned this into a therapy session. The short answer is, I was too much of a coward to be seen in public like that

@runicrascal

Putting on my best, most amateur therapist hat, sounds like you spend a hell of a lot of time worrying about what other people think

@mythicwitch

Don’t you?

@runicrascal

Why should I?

@mythicwitch

Doesn’t it … I don’t know, narrow the pool a bit for finding friends? Generally make you less respected by others? Make you kind of an outcast? Not YOU personally, obviously, but … in general

@runicrascal

Who cares? If someone’s going to write me off or disown me as a mate for liking something different to them, or wanting to spend my free time doing something they don’t care about, they’re not worth my friendship anyway. I don’t want to surround myself with people who are going to make my life smaller just so I can say I fit in

@runicrascal

I like the things I like, I have friends who matter to me, and, frankly, idgaf what anyone else thinks of that

@runicrascal

Even if sometimes that does make me a bit … defensive

@mythicwitch

Defensive?

@runicrascal

Sometimes I can be a bit on my guard when I think someone’s trying to belittle the stuff I’m into. Like with OWAR. I know people think it’s just ‘some stupid fantasy series’ but it’s not, it’s so much more than that. It’s finding characters you relate to and people you connect with and new perspectives. New inspiration for artwork …

@mythicwitch

Yeah, I’m starting to understand that now

@mythicwitch

So is that why you’ve been off with me? You thought I was belittling your love of OWAR?

@runicrascal

The 87 messages I missed earlier would suggest I was wrong. I’m sorry

@mythicwitch

I’m sorry, too. It’s been sort of an adjustment for me to try and move from ‘some stupid fantasy series’ to ‘this is becoming part of my personality’

@runicrascal

Truce?

@mythicwitch

Truce!

@runicrascal

@runicrascal

And I saw you’ve tracked down another irl OWAR friend! Anissa?

@mythicwitch

Yes! She clocked my Téiglin fanart in class haha

@runicrascal

What’re you working on now?

@mythicwitch sent 3 photos

@runicrascal

Holy shit. That’s AMAZING. Cerys, that’s really beautiful

@mythicwitch

Thanks! I’m really proud of this one. Also, peep the dandelions near the bottom left … Some may say they’re ‘just dandy’ ;)

@runicrascal

Oh, God

@runicrascal

… It’s me, I’m some.

@runicrascal

Very dandy though haha

@runicrascal

So aside from you making new fandom friends and creating magickal artwork, what else have I missed? Things still rough with your parents?

@mythicwitch

UGH don’t even go there. Feels like any day they’re going to turn around and tell me the divorce is off, and I’m dreading it. I think I almost preferred it when they were fighting compared to this weird truce they’ve got going on … At least I knew where I stood then. Thanks for asking though, I appreciate it Kinda needed someone to talk to about it lately. But we can get back to that later lol. How about you?

@runicrascal

Ugh, the usual. Bogged down with coursework, stressing about uni applications and exams even though they’re still ages off. We’re doing well in the local league for football though, so that’s something! Got another match on Sunday

@mythicwitch

Oh, good luck!

@runicrascal

Should be a good one!

@runicrascal

Worried about my dad a bit. He’s been super focused on me getting into a good uni and stuff, but I think once I’m actually gone, he’s going to find the whole empty nest thing really tough. My sister was meant to be coming home soon for reading week but she said she might just stay there with some friends, and he was pretty upset

@mythicwitch

Oh no! That must be hard for him – and stressful for you

@runicrascal

Eh, could be worse. Preaching to the choir here

@mythicwitch

Haha, don’t I know it

@mythicwitch

I’m glad we’re talking again I missed these chats x

@runicrascal

Me too, Cerys x