Page 11 of Do You Ship It
By Sunday evening, I’m listless and bored . I’ve done all my homework, I’ve done my chores, there’s no work shift to distract me, and I’ve read all the ‘Of Love and Books’ fanfiction that @silversmithhh sent me.
Mum is out with some friends for ‘book club’, although I’ve yet to see her pick up a book for it and she usually comes back tipsy; Dad is here again, out in the garage mucking around with her car. Polishing it or checking the oil or something.
And I’m stuck in my room, bored out of my mind. I drop a message in the group chat that I’m now a part of, but the only responses are a photo from Evie looking melodramatically pained while she watches a BBC drama with her family, and Chloe saying she’s bogged down in all the homework that’s due in this week which she neglected in favour of her dressage classes. The others must be busy, because they don’t respond.
I have to tell myself that they aren’t ignoring me, that there isn’t a secret group chat I’m not in and this one is just to humour me. That’s too paranoid, even for me.
It’s just … strange , making new friends. I’ve never had to worry too much about this before. Friendships just happened – they were down to circumstance and proximity and shared experience and … Well, and mainly, they were down to Jake.
Of course he didn’t have any trouble making friends at his new college. He’d already joined a local football team, so he had built-in mates like Max by the time college started. And anyway, it’s different for boys, I’m convinced of it. They don’t have to worry about being mocked for wearing the wrong lipstick or not knowing what sort of bag we’re all using for school this year. Or being too quiet and having bad haircuts, like Anissa.
Thinking of Jake is threatening to send me into a spiral, and the romcom I’ve put on in the background – Red, White and Royal Blue – feels mocking, somehow. The Plan has gone wildly off-piste, and I need to find a way to bring it back. If he hadn’t been busy with the football boys this afternoon …
I cast a glance towards my bedroom window. It’s dusky outside, the sky a deep grey smudged like charcoal, rain pattering at the windowsills. I lament that I won’t turn seventeen til April to get my driver’s licence. Being so reliant on the bus is a pain, and trekking an hour across town this late in the evening isn’t very appealing, even if Jake was free to hang out.
My doodling – an antique vanity with a mirror crowded with flowers and vines and antlers – falters, and I sigh as I toss my pencil aside, reaching for my phone instead as I slump back against the pillows.
It must say something about how phenomenally, colossally bored I am that watching a few more episodes of OWAR seems like the perfect solution right now. I’m almost annoyed that I have to wait until Wednesday to watch more. It’s definitely boredom driving me, and not any sort of sincere excitement for the show. It can’t be; I’m still not even sure what this elaborate plotline to search for the Eldritch King is all about – can you be that into a show when you can’t really describe what’s going on?
I open up Discord, and my private chat with Jake is there. I didn’t text him earlier – careful not to come off as too clingy or needy – but texting first in the confines of this fan forum feels … different. Less pressure somehow, more casual. This is just bland nonsense about the show, it’s not real that way.
@mythicwitch
So on a scale of 1–10, how fangirl is it of me to be super excited for Wednesday and want to watch the next episodes already?
He’s online almost immediately, and my heart somersaults to see him typing a response.
@runicrascal
Like a 5
@mythicwitch
Only a 5!!! Have I earned no bonus points for finally giving in and getting into the show?
@runicrascal
Nah, a real fan would have binged through them already, pre-planned watching schedule with friends be damned ;)
@mythicwitch
Touché. I am tempted though … But it feels like it’s more fun to share that experience in person?
@runicrascal
Based on how you reacted to the end of ep3, I’d agree
@runicrascal
And there’s some really fun stuff to look forward to in ep5 and 6 this week, characters beginning to interact with each other and such – that’s more your thing than the swordfights, right?
@mythicwitch
Right. But at least between us we’ve got a well-rounded appreciation for the show!
@runicrascal
Haha true
@runicrascal
How’s your weekend been?
@mythicwitch
Not too bad. My shift was a drag but I’d rather that than any drama or stress with customers and stuff! I’d like to say I’ve had lots of super exciting super fun totally brilliant plans, but really I just got a lot of schoolwork done
@mythicwitch
How about yours? How did the match go today?!?!??
@runicrascal
We won!! 3–1
@runicrascal
Our goalie bunked off with his girlfriend in the second half so we had to bring in one of the subs lol. He’s benched next week now, but that sucks for the rest of us more than it does him really
@mythicwitch
Is that Alfie? Ugh, I thought he’d split with his gf? I thought it turned into a whole mess that had them arguing at college?
@runicrascal
It did haha, but guess they patched things up. True love conquers all! Or something like that, right?
@mythicwitch
‘Until the end’?
@runicrascal
Coming in hot with the big quotes! Congratulations, your fangirl score has just increased to a solid 6/10
@mythicwitch
What can I say? I’m a sucker for a good love story …
The hours slip away as we message back and forth over the Discord chat.
When I ask what else he got up to this weekend, he mentions how his dad drove his older sister up to uni yesterday; he asks me how things are with my parents, and I appreciate it. It feels different talking about it in Discord. Secret, almost, like I can put it away and erase it if I ever wanted to, and it wouldn’t ever be part of our real friendship, our real life. It makes it a bit easier to talk about, so I say everything that’s on my mind. Until …
Mum arrives home, calling to someone outside, ‘Thanks, Naomi!’ and then staggering up the stairs to bed singing ABBA’s ‘Waterloo’ with a slur in her voice, and I hear Dad follow her upstairs, the two of them chatting – still with that annoyingly reasonable and polite new tone. Is he staying in the spare room again ? That’s a recent development only slightly less horrifying than if he was staying in their room. Mum even giggles at something, and I pull a face, slumping lower against my headboard.
Am I going to have to, like, reverse- Parent Trap them? I can’t cope with the whiplash if they call off the divorce. Whatever’s going on, it can’t last.
Even though I meant it when I told @runicrascal I’m a sucker for a good love story, my parents’ relationship brings out the cynic in me.
I turn back to my phone, reading through our Discord chat for comfort. His replies are more thoughtful than usual. Jake’s always been valiantly sympathetic for me, but I know he gets a bit awkward about deep stuff, using silly jokes to make me feel better when he can’t really relate. His dad – his stepdad, technically – has been in his life since Jake was three, and Jake, Ginny, and their big brother love him. He and Jake’s mum have been happily married – and soppily, disgustingly in love – since before Jake can even remember.
So while Jake has always been there for me, and is a great sounding board and always has a hug and a joke ready to cheer me up, he doesn’t really know how to help . But behind the screen name, and the weird sense of anonymity we have in Discord, he takes extra time to type out his replies, talks about how stressful and tricky it must be, and asks if I want to rush off to uni just to be away from it.
It feels really nice.
And maybe he feels the same way? That this is separate, a space that exists away from everything else, where we can be a little bit more honest.
And I like that when I tell him I don’t really want to talk about my parents anymore, he changes topic to tell me about some inane writers’ room drama behind the scenes of OWAR. It’s a bit silly and dramatic – at least in Jake’s version – he even embellishes the story with screenshots of old Twitter threads and digs made in the comments of Instagram posts – but it’s enough to take my mind off things for a while longer.
It’s pitch-dark outside by the time my eyes begin to droop, and I’ve moved from slumping against my headboard to being curled under the covers, still in my leggings and sweatshirt from that morning, and when I check the time I’m startled to find it’s gone midnight. We’ve been talking non-stop for hours.
@mythicwitch
I should probably get some sleep, it is a school night
@runicrascal
Damn, I didn’t notice it had gotten this late! I’m holding you personally responsible if I don’t manage to finish my physics homework before class tomorrow, I was meant to get to it tonight
@mythicwitch
You’re a terrible procrastinator. It’s very rascal-y of you
@runicrascal
Haha! I do suppose I’ve got a reputation to live up to
@runicrascal
See you Wednesday?
@mythicwitch
Can’t wait x
@runicrascal
Me either
@mythicwitch
Night!
@runicrascal
Goodnight, Cerys x
And even though I ended the conversation, it’s impossible to sleep when, even after I plug my phone in to charge and leave it on my nightstand, I’m busy replaying the conversation over again in my mind, smiling to myself and with butterflies in my stomach.
I fall asleep daydreaming about kisses, and wake up the next morning from dreams of dark, intense eyes and a low voice saying my name like a prayer.