Page 6 of Die for You (Kiss or Kill #2)

It’s the push I need as I slide my finger under the seal and open the envelope. I unfold the piece of paper and take a deep breath.

It’s an address with a date, a time, and a name.

Madam Gazella.

That’s all.

No further instructions.

It seems I can only outrun my past for so long.

The silence was nice while it lasted.

I barely slept because every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was that address. I gave up on sleeping and decided to go for my morning run. Halfway through, however, I turned back because my legs felt heavy, and I wanted to throw up again.

Once upon a time, I enjoyed the silence, but now, it grates on my nerves.

I really could use Google Maps right now because I have no idea where I’m supposed to meet whoever I’m meeting at the provided address. The meeting is tonight at eight o’clock.

My serenity is long gone, and my stomach is in constant knots. My hand trembles as I fill a glass with water from the tap.

What is this response I’m experiencing?

I’ve not been taught to feel, and now it seems as though all those repressed feelings are bursting at the seams. Has everything I’ve done, everything I’ve experienced, finally caught up to me?

I feel Father Merry’s mouth and his hands all over me.

I see my mother’s terrified face when she saw me. She saw me as nothing but a monster.

But at the forefront, I remember saying goodbye to the man I love with every beat of my heart.

I’m so fucking broken, and I don’t think I’ll ever be healed. I’m merely holding on to pieces of myself in hopes that I don’t fade away.

Nausea tackles me once more, and I race to the bathroom with my hand over my mouth, only just making it in time. I heave and heave, hoping to dispel some of this bitterness within. But it only burns.

Tears cascade down my cheeks as I slam my fists against the toilet bowl, screaming in agony.

My head and heart battle against each other because I don’t want to feel; I’ve been taught not to. But my heart has ruptured, and each memory tears at my core.

“Don’t care whether you live or die? Think of this moment whenever you fool yourself into thinking that is true.”

Memories of Lenny holding me underwater assault me, and I finally understand the lesson he wished for me to learn. I had switched my emotions off for so long, and now the switch has been flicked, and I can’t turn it back off.

“I hate you.”

“No, tesoro mio , you hate yourself that you don’t.”

I sob uncontrollably, allowing myself to grieve for the first time in my life. I cry a lifetime of tears because this is the only way to move forward.

I purge myself until nothing is left to give, and only when my tears dry do I lift my head from the toilet bowl.

My throat and stomach are raw, but I feel better.

I will never be healed from what I’ve experienced, but I must say goodbye to the old Valentina because I am no longer that person.

What my future holds, I do not know.

What I do know is that I am stronger than the things that tried to beat me. I have the scars to prove it. I need to let go of who I was and who I loved and embrace this new life. I’ve been given a second chance. This is my new home.

This is the new me.

Flushing the toilet, I wearily stand and look at myself in the mirror. I vow to my reflection that from this day forward, I’ll never forget who I am and the power I hold.

I am Valentina Ricci.

And here, I will rule.

Lenny’s reflection stands beside mine, those eyes pulling me in as they always do.

But to move on, I also must let him go.

He is the past. And no matter my love for him, love will never be enough.

I turn the faucet to hot and watch as the mirror fogs up. Lenny’s face fades by the second.

“You cannot forget me, tesoro mio . I am a part of you.”

“I can try,” I reply to make-believe Lenny, watching as his image is nothing but a ghost.

The pain in my heart is unbearable, but I think the pain will forever be there as a reminder that Lenny was real; that what we had was real.

The pain is a reminder that, for a small fraction of time, I loved and was loved in return.

And what a bittersweet memory it’ll forever be.

I swipe my palm down the mirror, wiping Lenny away.

All I see now is the face of someone I was always destined to become.

I dress and feel remotely better. Perhaps this is what closure feels like.

I still have no idea how I’m going to get to where I need to be tonight. It’s time I rejoin the land of the living and get myself a cell. Or at least access to a computer.

Until then, I need to rely on a Good Samaritan.

I slip into my white sandals and tie back my hair as it’s a warm night. My appearance is that of any other girl my age. But I am nothing like them.

The moment I step outside, I tip my face to the heavens and inhale the clean air. If I’m going to live life as a criminal, then what better place to be?

I realize this is the first time I’ve left the property. The land my home is on is big enough for me to run circles around and still not cover the entirety of it. So as I get closer to the steel gates, a sense of anxiety overcomes me.

But I quash it down because I have a job to do.

Once out of the gates, I scour my surroundings and commit everything to memory. The street is dead quiet, and as for neighbors, there are none. However, I continue my journey because Nico has to live nearby. He is the only person I know, so hopefully he can help.

Even though everything is unfamiliar, I don’t feel displaced. Perhaps it’s because with a new place comes new memories, ones where no one knows who I really am.

I follow the gravel road for what feels like miles until I hear the revving of a motorcycle. I follow the noise, hoping that my hunch is right.

Nico comes and goes on foot, which means he must live close by. Not to mention Lupo wandered into my yard like he owns the place. This must be his neighborhood. And when I stand at the bottom of a driveway and peer at the small but charming farmhouse, I’m glad I trusted my gut.

Nico is tinkering with his motorbike, oblivious to me admiring his very naked chest. I wasn’t expecting him to be packing that six-pack and broad shoulders. But I guess that’s because I wasn’t really looking.

However, now that I am, I’m not sure I can look away.

Lupo gives me away as he barks happily.

Nico peers up to see what the noise is about, and when he sees me, he waves with a smile.

I stop gawking and wave back before walking up the driveway. The brick house is modest, but the fruit trees surrounding it are simply beautiful. I assume by the farm machinery that this is Nico’s work and residence. I wonder if he lives here with his family. Or a partner.

“ Ciao ,” he says, wiping his greasy hands on a rag. His chest is slathered in smudges of oil.

“ Ciao ,” I reply, ensuring I keep my eyes on his.

Our inability to converse soon loses its charm, and I decide to use Google Translate ASAP.

Reaching into my pocket, I show Nico the note with the address.“Can you take me here?”

He looks at his watch and nods.

A relieved sigh leaves me.

He makes a hand gesture that he’s going inside.

I gesture back that I’ll stay here and wait for him.

We stand staring at one another, both openly checking the other out.

He is tall, dark, and Italian—of course he’s handsome. But he doesn’t set every part of me alight with a look alone.

I quickly look away, embarrassed and feeling guilty for looking at another man.

Baby steps , I remind myself because my love for Lenny won’t disappear overnight. But when Nico walks inside, I wonder if my love for Lenny will disappear at all.

I pat Lupo as I wait for Nico. I feel uncomfortable all of a sudden, which proves I fooled myself into thinking I could try this normal on for size.

Nico returns a moment later. Thankfully, he had gone inside to put on a shirt. He offers me a helmet. I look at it, then back at him, confused.

He gestures that the helmet is to be put on my head, as he believes my confusion stems from not understanding the role of a helmet.

“No car?” I ask, mimicking turning a steering wheel.

He shakes his head.

He gets on the bike and looks at me, waiting for me to sit behind him. But honestly, I don’t know what to do as I’ve never ridden a bike before. He extends his hand, and his eyes reflect nothing but kindness.

I read no ulterior motives. I really need to arrive at this meeting on time.

After putting the helmet on my head, I place my hand into his and accept his help as he guides me onto the back of the bike.

I don’t know what to do with my hands or body, to be honest. Nico guides my hands to rest around his waist and encourages me to shuffle forward and press my chest to his back.

He rubs his fingers over my knuckles kindly, assuring me that I’m safe.

Once I’m settled, the engine roars to life, and he turns with precision.

Giving the bike two revs, he zips down the driveway, gravel spurring up under the wheels.

Lupo barks excitedly, following us until Nico turns onto the street and roars down it.

I grip him tighter because I can now see why he encouraged me to hold him like a spider monkey.

Holding on to him is literally the reason I haven’t fallen off.

I didn’t realize how much you need to trust the driver because it’s what stands between you and death.

Nico takes the turns with ease, and once I no longer fear for my life, I appreciate this beautiful landscape before me. Sicily is abundant with fruit trees, the vibrant colors standing out against the backdrop of dormant volcanoes in the island’s mountainous landscape.

As we drive down a narrow road that wraps around a mountain, I close my eyes and grip Nico tighter. His abs ripple from his laughter. I like the way that feels.

If I didn’t need to hold on to him, I would let him go because I don’t like these feelings he’s evoking in me. It feels like I’m betraying Lenny.