Page 7

DAISY

I wake up to the slow rise and fall of something warm shifting under me, and when my fingers curl into whatever it is to investigate, it’s warm and soft, yet firm.

I’m very confused in my half-asleep condition. I crack one eye open and realize with surprise that Mav is still in my bed.

I remember asking him to stay. He said he’d come back but I didn’t really think he would. I watch him in his unguarded state. He’s on his back and I’m half lying on his chest. His skin is silky under my fingers, and I can’t help the way my hands slide along his pecs. He’s so big and everything on his body is hard yet yielding and so pleasurable to feel on some fundamental level.

I wouldn’t usually touch anyone like this, but then again, I’m not usually in bed with a guy either.

I stroke down Mav’s abs, relaxing at the feel of him, but then I remember what Blake said to me last night when I put my hand on his shoulder, and I freeze.

He was very angry about it. I mull it over again in the light of day, trying to figure out what I did. I’m trying not to be upset. It must have been my fault. I don’t like it when other people touch me without warning, so maybe he doesn’t either. I should have known better, but here I am doing it again.

I frown and I take my hands off Mav completely, embarrassed that I keep making the same mistakes. Maybe it would be best to try not to interact with the three of them except when absolutely necessary. This is a minefield, and it doesn’t escape me that, after ten whole years at The Heath, I still have no idea what’s going on in other people’s heads, or why they do what they do.

Cured my ass.

Stoke was so focused on making sure I looked normal– sat up straight and didn’t bite the skin around my fingers or talk out of turn and make odd noises– that he seems to have neglected many things that would actually have been useful for me to understand.

But I suppose that I seem unremarkable to those around me, at least. If it wasn’t for the rumors about me, I don’t think anyone here would have looked at me twice, which is a far cry from how people treated me in middle school.

It’s fine, I seem fine…so long as no one takes a longer look.

The Heath was supposed to be helping me, but coming out into the world, seeing what everything’s really like, what I’m really like, I’m starting to wonder if there was any point to it at all.

Fundamentally, I’m still the same inside. What did Stoke and The Heath actually do for me besides teach me to appear normal so as not to upset John and those like him? And what price did that come with? Fears and panic. Nightmares about long gray corridors and insidious entities in white uniforms. They slapped a veneer over the parts they found difficult and pretended I was better. They made me believe it too, but the longer I’m spending out here, the more it feels like I’m on an iceberg. I can only see the surface and there’s so much beneath the water that I can’t even fathom.

‘Why did you stop?’ Mav mumbles from next to me, breaking me out of my dark thoughts.

‘I...I thought you might not like me touching you,’ I reply.

He smiles a little sleepily. ‘Why wouldn’t I want you touching me, Tulip?’

I frown, feeling suddenly exhausted as I recall Blake’s reaction to me last night. Why is it so at odds with how Mav is acting now? I thought it was some social rule I’d missed, but that doesn’t make sense if Mav... I don’t get it.

‘I don’t know.’

It’s a cop-out answer, but what’s the point? I don’t understand and I don’t think I’m going to.

When I look over at him, he’s staring at me quizzically.

‘You look confused.’

I stare into his face and count to seven instead of five just to see if I can. I do it. Easily. I’m definitely better with some things than I was when I got here, at least with Mav, Blake, and Shade.

Maybe Mav can just tell me what I want to know.

‘Can I ask you a question?’

‘Shoot.’

My finger strokes the blanket in circles. ‘Should I have waited for you to be awake before I touched you?’

‘No.’ The space between his eyes wrinkles a little and he turns toward me, propping himself up on his elbow. ‘Why?’

I move away from him, laying on my back and staring up at the ceiling with a sigh. I don’t even know what questions to ask to get what I need. It’s like the answers themselves are grains in a mountain of sand. Every time I scoop some up, other bits cascade down the side, all the tiny pieces covering each other, hiding each other in a mass of information I just can’t access.

He touches my face, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. It tickles and I shake my head a little, making it come loose again.

‘Is this about Blake?’

How does he know about that?

‘Sort of.’

‘You can talk to me,’ he says, brushing the same piece of hair back from my face again.

‘Can I?’ I whisper, wondering if I should just take the risk of him using what we talk about against me later.

‘Of course. Whatever we talk about in here, I won’t speak to anyone about it.’

I glance at where I know the camera is and his eyes narrow at it.

‘It isn’t great with audio. It won’t pick up murmured words.’

‘I... Do you understand why I was in England? Why John put me in that place?’

I wonder if he’s going to bring up Mike Larson, but he doesn’t, thankfully.

He lets out a deep sigh. ‘Because you’re autistic.’

‘Yes, but do you know what that means for me? Like in real terms?’

‘Sort of. I mean, I see how smart you are. I’ve noticed some sensory stuff, that you can’t talk sometimes when you’re upset. Sometimes you sit and stare at nothing for long periods of time.’

‘There are a thousand examples I could give you, but the biggest one for me at the moment, I suppose because I’m getting close with you guys, is that I miss a lot of social cues. I can’t read expressions well in general, and all those little rules you normies seem to just know, I don’t. It makes things hard for me sometimes. Hard for you, too.’

‘Like with Blake?’

I nod.

Something dawns in his eyes. ‘Last night. The way he was when he got back. Is that what this is about?’

I nod cautiously. ‘He seemed upset, and I asked him what was wrong, then I touched his shoulder. Lu’s done that with me when I’ve been upset before. I thought it was all right,’ I babble, realizing I’m close to crying. ‘But when I touched him, he yelled at me. He spoke to me the way he did...before.’

I sit up. My breathing hitches and I blink back tears, swallowing hard so I can keep explaining. I worry the edge of the blanket with my fingers rapidly.

‘I thought he wouldn’t be like that anymore.’ I look away, knowing I’m revealing too much, but unable to stop now that I’ve started. ‘Because I work in the lab now. I proved that I should be here. I thought that would...help him want to be my friend, I guess.’

‘Oh, sweetheart.’ He sounds sad.

I don’t look at him.

‘Last night was…bad for him. Sometimes he’s like that. It’s no excuse for how he treated you, but when he got back from his... errand , he wasn’t himself. He was in a dark place. He lashes out when he’s in that space in his head. At me, at Shade. Depends on who’s there. I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have left you in his room. I didn’t think. It’s not your fault, Daisy. It’s his for not keeping his shit together.’

He leans closer.

‘But,’ he caresses my cheek and waits until I look at him, ‘you can touch me whenever you want. Anytime. No rules apply. And you are our friend, okay?’

I nod, giving him a wan smile. ‘Thanks. That was actually quite helpful. I think I understand better now.’

‘I’m glad I was able to assist,’ he rumbles with a grin. ‘And you can always ask me if you have a question. I might not be able to answer every time, but I’ll do my best.’

‘Okay.’ I give him a more genuine smile.

Mav glances over at the clock. ‘I need to get up soon.’

‘What happened last night? With the results, I mean.’

He flops back into bed with a loud groan. ‘Failure.’

‘All the groups?’

He hesitates, maybe trying to figure out what he can tell me about their secret project, and what he can’t.

I wait, practically with bated breath. I wasn’t trying to get information out of him, but maybe he’ll say something I can use.

‘Yeah,’ he finally answers. ‘Every. Single. One. I need to analyze the data today and figure out next steps.’

‘Can I help?’ I ask, already knowing he’ll let me.

He doesn’t know I know about Envy, and I can pretend that I think I’m working on the non-opioid.

He cracks an eye and looks at me. ‘We’re not supposed to take data from the lab, and you’re supposed to stay off your feet for a couple more days at least.’

‘Please?’

He gives me an indulgent look and I almost feel bad, especially after he’s helped me this morning. I don’t feel nearly as upset and frustrated and sad as I did a few minutes ago. But the new Plan B needs to be something real and that means doing what I must.

Besides, what I’m planning isn’t going to be anywhere near as brutal as how they treated me up until recently. It’s not retaliation . I’m not trying to get even in some twisted way. At least I don’t think I am. But I’m not going to feel bad for saving myself. No one else is going to do it. White knights aren’t real.

‘I’ll see what I can do but,’ his eyes narrow on me playfully, ‘what will you do for me?’

I can’t help my chuckle as I hide my sudden nervousness. Last night was... Well, things were different in the middle of the night. My cheeks warm as I remember basically ordering him to give me an orgasm.

Jesus. What was I thinking?

I start to move away, embarrassment flooding me, but he’s quick. He takes hold of my hand, stopping me.

‘Not so fast, Tulip.’

‘But I?—’

He hushes me. ‘Red.’

‘Pardon?’

‘I think that there needs to be a new rule. If you don’t want me to do something or you want something to stop, that’s what you say, okay?’

He leans back, taking me in as I make the barest incline of my head.

‘Do you need to say it now?’

‘No.’

‘Good.’ He pulls me toward him. ‘My price is you go back to petting me like you were when I was just waking up.’

I laugh in surprise. ‘Did you like it?’

‘Mmmm,’ he rumbles, leaning toward my ear. ‘Do it for a few minutes until I need to get up and I’ll give you some lab homework,’ he whispers.

‘Promise?’

‘Promise.’

‘Deal,’ I murmur.

I let my hand slide over his chest the way that I’ve been wanting to do since I stopped, if I’m honest. He sighs heavily, closing his eyes, he seems to relax into the bed as if he’s really enjoying my fingers moving over his skin.

I touch his chest, learning his muscles, and then move up and down his arms, feeling how thick his forearms are.

‘How much do you work out?’ I ask softly, watching his face.

His lips curl up a little. ‘A couple hours a day, five times a week usually. Sometimes more.’

‘Why?’

He shrugs. ‘I like being strong. I like knowing that I’m bigger than nine out of ten guys I meet. I like the difference between how big and strong I am and how small and puny you are.’

He cracks an eye and looks at me, laughing at my expression.

‘I can’t help being short, but I’m not puny. Besides, what I lack in physical strength, I make up for in brain power.’

I stick my tongue out at him for good measure. He laughs and my hand moves lower without me meaning it to. I gasp as I touch something hard that bobs beneath my hand beneath what I assume is his underwear.

He startles and lets out a harsh breath as my wide eyes fly to his. I rip my hand away.

‘I’m sorry!’ I squeak. ‘I didn’t mean to?—’

‘It’s okay,’ he says, closing his eyes again and letting out a relaxed breath. ‘It’s not a big deal at all. Like I said, touch me whenever you like.’

‘Even there ?’ I whisper, and my eyes can’t help but flick down to where my hand was, though the blanket is covering everything.

‘If you want.’ He chuckles. ‘I can tell you’re curious.’

‘Yes,’ I whisper truthfully.

‘You’ve never touched a dick?’ he asks, looking at me.

I shake my head. ‘No. I’ve only really seen one. Blake’s. That night when he...’

Mav frowns. ‘So, you’d never even seen a guy’s…and Blake went and came all over you like an animal.’

He pinches the bridge of his nose.

‘Awesome,’ he mutters.

‘Are you being sarcastic?’ I ask.

‘Yeah,’ he sighs. ‘I just can’t believe he pawed at you in a room full of dudes, then spurted all over your tits while I ate you out. That was your first experience of anything. We should have... Why do you want to be friends with us?’

I shrug. ‘I don’t have many other prospects.’

He barks a laugh, looking surprised at my joke, but I can see he’s serious. He’s concerned that what they did has messed me up, or something.

‘I don’t need you to handle me with kid gloves,’ I say.

‘What does that mean?’

‘Um. You don’t have to be careful. I’m not made of glass. I won’t break.’

He touches my cheek. ‘I think we all know you won’t break, Daisy,’ he murmurs, his eyes looking at me with regret.

‘So, I can touch… it ?’ I ask, changing the subject.

He nods, looking suddenly wary. ‘If you want to. I mean, don’t pull it off or anything.’

‘I won’t,’ I snigger, but my smile melts away pretty quickly as assuaging my longstanding curiosity regarding man parts becomes a prospective reality.

My eyes not leaving his face, I move the blanket away and then look down. His black boxers cover him, and I glance up. He lets out a breath and pulls them down a little so I can look at him.

It’s long and thick. As I stare at it, it seems to lengthen. My fingertips caress it hesitantly, finding it silky, softer than his pecs even. I draw them back quickly when it bobs at my touch.

‘It’s okay,’ Mav murmurs, amused.

‘It’s like it has a mind of its own,’ I mutter, half horrified.

He snorts. ‘Yeah, it seems like that to me sometimes, too.’

I glance at him inquiringly, but he doesn’t elaborate, just waves a hand for me to continue my exploration.

I grip the shaft and squeeze gently. Mav’s breathing stutters.

‘That’s nice,’ he breathes. ‘The pressure is perfect.’

I watch as some wetness leaks from the tip.

He puts his hand over mine, and moves my hand up and down, pumping him slowly.

‘Fuck,’ he whispers. ‘Just like that, sweetheart.’

I keep doing what he showed me, my eyes going between what my hand is doing and his face. I want to learn how to make him feel good the way he did for me. More wetness leaks from the tip and, not second guessing myself, I lean forward, pressing my tongue to it.

He jumps with a low exclamation, urging my head away gently. I look up at him and search his face.

‘Did I do something wrong?’ I ask quietly. ‘I know it’s a thing…’

I glance down at his dick, my hand still moving on him. ‘You did similar for me, and I’ve seen people do it. I’ve heard people mention it too. Do you…not like that?’

He swallows hard, and he uses his hand to stop my hand’s movements. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to jerk like that. It felt great, and, yeah, I do like it, but where did you see it, Daisy? And who mentioned it? Blake?’

‘No, well I saw him and Jolie in the library once…and there were a couple of guys back in England. Residents, like me. They would do it to each other late at night, after lights out when they thought no one would find out. And then, at Halloween…’ I wince, wondering if I shouldn’t say it in case he doesn’t like the rest of my answer.

‘On Halloween,’ he prods.

He’s trying not to show that he’s getting upset, but I can see it in the way his jaw pulses.

I sigh.

‘It was one of the guys that night. He said something about wanting to lay me partly off the pool table so my head was bent back, and he could use my mouth. So, I thought you might like something like that, too.’

Mav curses under his breath and, before I know it, he’s pulled me up his body. He hugs me tightly.

‘Jesus, Daisy,’ he whispers. ‘Some of the stuff you say… Like you’re talking about the weather. It fucking wrecks me.’

‘Sorry,’ I mutter against his chest. ‘It’s not supposed to.’

He holds me like that for a minute or two. ‘More playtime later if you want, okay? I need to get up.’

I nod and he kisses my forehead. ‘Stay in bed. I’ll get Shade to bring you something, okay?’

I nod, watching him move around the room as he grabs his clothes. He picks Shade’s robe up off the floor and puts it on the bed for me.

‘So, I wanted to ask you,’ he says, not looking at me as he pulls up his jeans.

‘About what?’

‘You mentioned some notes. On Halloween. When I was patching you up.’

My heart begins to pound, and I wonder if he can hear it. I’m sure I can. It’s practically wailing in my ears like a death whistle.

‘Did I?’

How is my voice so steady?

‘Yeah. You said you hoped it wasn’t me.’

I feel myself shrugging. ‘Weird. I don’t remember. Must have been a dream, or something.’

He regards me for a moment, and I cover my nervousness by grabbing the robe and throwing it on. I stand carefully and I hope nonchalantly, stretching in place.

‘Oh, hey, where did these come from?’

‘What?’ I ask, hopping around the bed and feeling inordinately glad that he’s accepted my lies.

He’s holding up a pair of crutches that I hadn’t noticed.

‘Where were those?’

‘By the door.’

‘Who brought them?’

Mav shrugs. ‘Probably Shade. He said he had some things to get yesterday. I’ll bet he brought these for you. Here. Try them. See if you can get down the hall by yourself.’

I nod and he puts them in my hands. It takes me a second to work them out, but once I do, it’s not hard to get around.

Mav leaves, giving me a kiss on the cheek and promising he’ll be back as soon as he can.

I make it to the bathroom by myself for the first time in two days and it’s nice to have a little of my autonomy back. On the way back to my room, I see Blake leaving. He stops short when he sees me, his eyes taking in the crutches that I’m using.

‘Daisy, I?—’

I shake my head a little, mostly at myself.

Although Mav explained, I can’t help but remember what Blake said, how it’s made me feel. He must see it in the way I look at him, look through him.

I go past him quickly, hoping he doesn’t try to stop me as I go back into my room to hide like a coward.

He doesn’t follow me, and I let out a sigh. It’s short-lived though because, as I practice with my crutches, I notice something on the desk. A white envelope. My heart sinks as I approach it. I sit down in my chair and lean the crutches against the desk.

I pick it up. It’s not sealed.

I scan it quickly. It’s longer, more like a letter than a note.

Time’s ticking, retard, or don’t you want to know who had it in for your mom, who has it in for you?

Maybe spend less time partying. I thought I was gonna watch you get what was coming to you on Halloween, but then you got away. Pity. That would have been an entertaining watch.

At least I got to see you limping around the campus half naked. Reminded me of a dumb lemming running off a cliff.

P.S. Check your emails

I feel sick as I crumple the note and put it in the back of my desk drawer with the others. I was in the bathroom for five minutes and I don’t think it was here before that. Whoever it is was in my room.

Who’s doing this? Is it Blake? He was just there.

The cameras.

My eyes narrow. They don’t know I can check them. I’ll be able to see who it is.

I stand up, but just as a I do, there’s a knock on my door and Shade enters without waiting for an answer. He’s carrying a tray with a white China teapot and a muffin on it.

I wonder where the teapot came from. I haven’t seen it in the kitchen anywhere.

He stops as he sees me. ‘I thought you might be in bed. Mav asked me to bring this. How are you feeling?’